'I have struggled with body dysmorphic disorder for approx 20 years' It's an illness whereby the sufferer thinks some aspect of their appearance is deformed, ugly or defective. I am plagued with obsessive thoughts & compulsive rituals. I get trapped in the mirror for hours applying make-up in an attempt to hide my flaws & imperfections. It’s exhausting; like having to paint a fine art masterpiece every time I want to leave the house. I have difficulty viewing myself objectively. My perception is warped; my vision magnified. It can be extremely debilitating & interferes with my ability to function on a daily basis. I am self-conscious, desperately trying to normalise my appearance so I will be accepted by others. I feel my blotchy, uneven, unhealthy complexion makes me look like a meth addict. It feels as if I am unclean, dirty, diseased, like parasites are crawling under my skin. And I don't always get chance to fix my hair or apply eyeliner / lipstick. Sometimes, I think doing so will draw 4
attention away from my complexion but other times, I think it's like putting perfume on a pig. I tell myself I am repulsive, gross, disgustingly unattractive, hideous, which is dreadfully harsh & cruel. And the fact my dermatillomania is focussed on my face seems a particularly destructive, sadistic form of self-harm because it is constantly exposed; at least you can cover up / hide your body. Out of frustration, I often feel like ripping my face off or wearing a mask. And after an episode, I am punished further by having to work twice as hard camouflaging the damage I’ve caused or being housebound waiting to heal. A vicious cycle. I often wonder what I could accomplish if the majority of my time & energy wasn't devoted to BDD. It's a life half-lived. I would probably still have difficulty with anxiety & depression because I am a sensitive soul but it would be such a weight lifted. ANONYMOUS
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