Ewes World
FR
EE
!
of the
Issue 1
April/May ‘13
It’s just a load of bollocks really
for the people of Wales and everywhere else
Hi. I’m Derek and I’ll be your host for today
FILTH!
Sam Warburton: Exclusive Interview
Hay Festival: The Final Chapter?
GO LEIGH HALFPENNY Wales full-back Leigh Halfpenny was awarded the Freedom of Honey Farm after winning the Player of the Tournament in this year’s Six Nations
inside
3 5 8 12 16 18 20 22 news
letters
interview
a pint with
quiz
competition
top brekkies
lads’ page
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Welcome Croeso Well hello and welcome to the official launch issue of Ewes of the World. As you know, it’s technically the second issue as there was a pilot issue but we’ll keep that between me and you eh? There’s plenty to feast your big poppy eyes on this issue. First up, we’ve spoken to Weathersheep fan Sam Warburton, who talks about his career highlights over the last few eventful years. If you think that you’re good enough to go to heaven, you might want to check out our quiz first on page 16. You might need a reality check. We’ve got a quiz where you can win the county of Cornwall and we’ve even got an interview with a boring chess player. If you like what you read, and would like a FREE, regular, bi-monthly issue of Ewes of the World, please spread the word. On current figures who visit my website, I’m estimating that over 250,000 people will read this magazine a year. And if you’re a business who would like to place yourself where the kids hang out, contact me on the email below for some rates and dates. Hope to see you in Issue 2!
Derek the Weathersheep
CONTACT e: derek@weathersheep.com w: www.weathersheep.com While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of the contents, the publisher cannot accept any responsibility for errors or omissions, or for any matter in any way arising from the publication of this material. Photographs credited where possible. Copyright Derek the Weathersheep 2013. Ewes of the World is an independent publication.
Advertising booking and copy deadline for Issue 0222nd May 2013. Issue 2 publication date - June 1st 2013. Ewes of the World is published bi-monthly. Contributors: Derek the Weathersheep, Grumpy Cow, Kathryn Allen
LIVING MAGAZINES CELEBRATE We are celebrating our 5th birthday this month. Our first issue was published in November 2007!
FAT BOY KIM TO OPEN HONEY FARM JAZZ FESTIVAL
news news
England thrashed by Welsh Dragons
Long-faced rugby player celebrates his try
POSH ENGLISH CADS BEATEN OFF THE PARK BY BRAVE PLUCKY WELSH LADS Fat Boy Kim, leader of the majestic Socialist People’s Republic of Cornea, has agreed to open the Honey Farm Jazz Festival in August this year. He told Ewes of the World “I love music. My favourite bands are UB40 and Black Lace. I think they’re some of the best jazz musicians in the world.” Fat Boy Kim will also be bringing along some inflatable tanks and intercontinental ballistic missiles for the kids to bounce on. Farmer Honey told Ewes of the World: “We’re chuffed to bits to have such an esteemed politician to open our festival. Year on year, our visitors have doubled and this year, we’re hoping for at least four people. With Fat Boy Kim on site, we may even open the horseburger van although I fear he may eat the van too.”
The people of Wales went APESHIT in March when Wales regained their Six Nations trophy, totally THUMPING the English side in the process. “It was fantastic.” said one fan.”Yeah, it was nice.” said another. Wales, who needed to win by at least 8 points, decided to stick 27 points on their English rivals instead. Their day was made easier by good-looking ref, Steve Walsh, who gave Wales penalties whenever he felt like it. “To be honest, they were
talking too posh at one breakdown so I pinged them. Then I caught one of them with a silver spoon in their mouth so I blew up for that.” said Mr Walsh. Wales went on to win the game 30-3, taking the title, and condemning England to another Grand Slam choker.
news
March the Coldest on Record
TARQUIN ON SUICIDE WATCH Honey Farm posh-boy Tarquin remains on suicide watch after being arrested for selling triangular flapjacks to school kids
Young Farmers Decide to Build M4 Relief Road
Brecon (Honey Farm Division) Young Farmers have submitted plans to build a relief road THROUGH Newport to help ease congestion on the M4. The month of March has use to lie on sometimes so I Chairman Dai Mitchell told been the coldest on record wrapped myself up in that.” Ewes of the World: according to some people. said Debbie Reiner, 42. “All this poppycock talk of Two couples in mid Wales Elsewhere, moaning about roads around Newport. Why not even got snowed into a car how cold things are has bulldoze a road right through when they were out and become a national pastime. Newport, have done with the about in a Kwik Save car park Greengrocer, Freddie Evans place once and for all, and late one night. has set up a group for people ease congestion on the M4 in “We like to go to the car park to come and moan about the the process? I’ve got a tractor late at night to see our friends. weather. and my mate Ben’s got a few They meet at Abertillery shovels and bag of cement. Working Men’s Club at 10am I don’t see how the Welsh on Tuesdays. Assembly can over look this project.” But critics have pointed out flaws in the plans. Eve It’s a nice place to go but this DoGood, President of the one night, the snow came Oppose Everything Lobby, told down really heavy. To make Ewes of the World: things worse, we’d all got really “We oppose this project. Dai’s hot in our cars as our heaters got a tractor yes, but he hasn’t had been stuck on ‘Hot’ so got one of those scoop things we’d taken all our clothes off. that can pick stuff up with. As a Luckily for me, I had an old result, this project should never blanket in the boot which I get off the ground. We’d like see some lads with bigger Fifteen Shades of Red: Grand Slam to tractors do the job. Newport’s a big place.” put on hold The third and final put on hold for another two book in Derek the months: Weathersheep’s “I really, really can’t be arsed Fifteen Grades of to write it.” says Derek after a Hay trilogy has been three-month delay.
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If you’d like to get in touch, you can email at derek@ weathersheep.com
letters
MIDDLE FINGER MAYHEM
Why is it that middle-aged people feel the need to use their middle fingers when texting from a mobile ‘phone? Why can’t they use their thumbs like us normal people? I exasperate at this as it makes them look very incompetent with their hand held devices. I suggest that the Government provide free training courses for these middle to elderly people. Timmy, email (aged 4)
CRAP COPPERS
What is it with the police? Why do they think that they know it all? I was driving to work yesterday, doing my knitting as I always do. All of sudden, this cop flies up behind me, flashing his lights and hooting at me. I tried to ignore him in case I dropped a stitch, so he drew up alongside me and motioned to me to wind down the window. “Pullover.” he says. “No. It’s a scarf.” Why don’t they read up on the facts before they go mouthing off to use mortals? Ranger Barth Canada
POINTLESS PENGUINS Last night, my wife and I sat down to watch the BBC’s
MAGAZINE MOANER
I would like to complain about the quality of this magazine. I signed up for this magazine, expecting to get a proper read about proper things. I shall be writing to my local MP when he gets his arse round to his office, and I shall badger him to get this
publication banned. It’s rubbish . Tina Ystrad Mynach
BARRY SCOTT LUST
I like to play the game of Barry Scott Rodeo when I ride my boyfriend. The rules are quite simple – just as I reach my climax, I scream out the name of Barry Scott, the man from the Cillit
A penguin yesterday
Planet Earth programme. We watched the one with all the penguins on. They keep warm by standing in a huddle, taking it in turns to go on the outside of the huddle so that they all get a turn in the warm middle. If they’ve got the sense to do that, then why haven’t they got the sense to move somewhere warmer? Talk about bloody-mindedness. And they’ve got the cheek to call themselves birds! Any sensible bird would get out of that dump pretty sharpsih! Gareth Jackson Colwyn Bay Bang adverts. This causes my boyfriend to try and dismount me but I cling on for dear life. Do any of your readers have better times than this? Kylie Merthyr
I loves banging
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m a S
Wales captain Sam Warburton talks to EotW about the World Cup, the Six Nations and his bardy shoulder His rise through the ranks of Welsh rugby has come as no surprise to those who have been keeping tabs on the 24 year-old. But this year, Sam Warburton collected his second Six Nations winners medal in just four years. In 2011, he led Wales to the semi-finals of the Rugby World Cup. His performances were lauded and he became a household name. But his game was cut short by an infamous tackle on a Frenchman. “I saw Clerc coming at me. At the time I thought it quite cheeky that he would try and attack my channel but I knew I had to stop him. We’re always told to tackle at a 45 degree angle as this takes a lot of the power out of the hit. But most players would also try and run through me; most of the time I go back in the tackle. But not Clerc on this occasion. It’s almost as if he wasn’t wanting the collision. I came in hard as I always would. But Clerc’s sudden unwillingness to make contact meant that he took the full hit upwards. He’d chickened it. At the time, I thought nothing of it but then as I got up, there was a bit 6
of handbags. And then I got shown the card. “My mind went numb. There was nothing I could think. It was too big to take in. It was only when I sat down on the bench and looked at the replay, that I realised how bad it was. I couldn’t blame the referee because as the rules go, that was a red card. Neil Jenkins, who was acting as waterboy came over to me, oblivious to the red card: “What’s up Warby?” “I’m off.” I replied. “What? For ten minutes?” “No. For good.” Neil smashed one of his water bottles to the floor in anger. Then he burst into tears. “The boys didn’t let it affect them too much though. They came in at half-time still talking about winning the game. There was a genuine belief that we could win it.” Sam holds no grudges against Alain Rolland, the referee who sent him off. “He was just doing his job. Things like that happen to all players in their careers. I just hope that it all equals out and that I get something positive happen that’s as equally dramatic.” In an ironic twist of fate a
few days later, Sam found himself sat next to Vincent Clerc, the French player he’d tackled and been redcarded for on the flight out of Auckland. “There must have been about ten flights out of there that day. I’d had to stay behind for an IRB dinner. But the chances of me sitting next to him were thousands to one. But that’s what happened. I didn’t particularly want to speak to him. It was quite awkward anyway but to make it worse, he spoke broken English. He joked about getting a massage, we briefly spoke about our immediate plans once we got home. Then I stuck my headphones on and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the journey.” Sam was quick to move on from. “The last thing I was going to do was blame the referee and drag the whole thing out for longer. Blaming the referee is not something I’ve been taught as such - just the way I’ve always played the game.” Sam’s attitude, both throughout the World Cup, and after, drew plaudits from across the world. It was perhaps quite fitting then that
interview
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Lifting the Six Nations trophy was a problem
he should pick up the Rugby Union Writers Club’s Personality of 2011, beating off the likes of Graham Henry and Shane Williams. “I didn’t know too much about it to be honest. My agent rang me up and told me that I needed to be at an awards ceremony in London as I had a good chance of winning. So I went up, thinking it’d be a small affair. When I walked in, there were about 500 people sat there - people like Jonny Wilkinson and other well-known faces. I read the list of past winners and thought ‘they’ve got this wrong’. The names on there read like a Hall of Fame - Jonah Lomu, Francois Pienaar and Gareth Edwards. I nearly fell of my seat when I was announced the winner. I genuinely thought there had been a mistake and
that I should have been in some kind of newcomer’s category.” Despite Sam’s success with the Welsh team during 2011, it was perhaps the Welsh Grand Slam at the 2012 Six Nations that defined him as a national hero. “Lifting the trophy was a bit of a problem to be honest. It wasn’t long into the final game against France that my run of bad luck with them struck again. I was in absolute agony with my shoulder. I wasn’t sure when I’d hurt it exactly but during a break in play, I happened to put my hand on my shoulder and it was then that I realised that it was a serious injury. I had to go off in the biggest game of my life and I wasn’t happy about it one bit. “I went for a scan after the game. I had an MRI
scan. I was lying there in the chamber, expecting to hear the consultant on my headphones when a voice came through to me: “‘Warby, you faggot. There’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve got some man-up pills in the car for you.’ It was Ryan Jones.” There was no Grand Slam in 2013, but there was a thrilling and bruising contest against England, putting them to the sword and snatching the Six Nations title for a second successive year. “I agreed with Rob [Howley] that I didn’t want to be captain in that final game. I wanted to focus on my game. It was such a big one. And such a great one.” 7 7
t s e b e h t w o n k o Want t p e e l s , k n i r d , t a e place s to ? f f i d r a C n i t i s and vi
Eat Drink Sleep Visit Shop
www.ilovecf.com
y a H The l a v i Fest What are the dates for the Festival in 2013? Thursday 23 May through to Sunday 2 June 2013 Where is the Festival? In a tented village in Hayon-Wye, on the edge of the beautiful Brecon Beacons National Park. It’s bang in between Hereford and Brecon just off the A438. How do we get there? Trains to Hereford from North, Midlands and South are met by festival buses. It’s a beautiful but exciting bike ride, and a stupendous drive from any direction. Where do we stay? There’s spectacular and reasonably priced camping all around. B&Bs and hotels tend to get booked up year on year by regular visitors, but there’s a festival bedfinder service who’ll make the many many calls to get you a roof for the pauperly fee of £10. Call your friends and family for the number of anyone with a spare bedroom within 40 miles!
How much does it cost? There is no charge for entrance to the main festival site, you just buy tickets for the events you want to see. And there are lots of free events. Most ticketed gigs range from £5 to £19 (for household name comedy and music). It’s free for students though. Student applications can be made from 1 May by calling the box office. How did it start? Some say big bang, some believe in a freak poker game... more likely there were a bunch of friends round a kitchen table wanting something to do of an evening. How are the writers chosen? The Festival invites the writers and performers (great writers work in all media) they most admire. They try to bring the greatest contemporary practitioners and the most exciting new voices. The directors talk to publishers, writers and a huge range of
welsh stuff
Photo: Finn Beales
Photo: Jeff Morgan
Photo: Finn Beales
advisors – including many of the festival-goers. Who goes? Well, according to the survey results... Hay-goers have very little socially, economically or politically in common other than the festival. Debate results suggest they are sceptical about monarchy and religion, not much bothered about hunting, very bothered about illegal invasions of other countries conducted with no medium and longer term planning, and passionately engaged with the environment, good food and having a good time. Writers say they’re exceptionally well read and pretty smart. They’re all fairly gorgeous too. Singletons? Give it a go. There are thousands of people here to make friends with. They’ve had 29 weddings of couples who met at the festival.
www.hayfestival.com 9
FREE
Hob Clean with every booking
Sister s n o t g n i h s Ga Fashion Page One of the reasons I joined the convent a few years ago was the social minefield that is fashion. The fact that I’m a bollock-chopped munter who had no success with men was another reason….but for now we’ll concentrate on the clothes. I discovered that a habit can hide a multitude of sins and you don’t even have to brush your hair. To totally contradict the Gospel of Who Gives A Flying Fok Anyway? I’ve listed a few of the classiest clothing sins there are. Use it like a checklist, the more it resonates with you, the more you should consider giving up and just wearing an oversized quilted nightie every day. On the other hand, there are those that are happy to live in slight discomfort and I don’t want to condemn their poor taste and ill-fitting clothes – this is ok too, God really does love you all.
Crop Top Ah the crop top, originally designed in the 80’s for the ironing board stomached variety of gymbunny – now worn by every stretch-marked pot bellied Naffa that also shares the Snow White delusional mirror. For the record, that extra bit on a standard T-shirt is there for a reason and it’s not to wipe sick from the corners of your mouth. Even better is the slogan crop top like “Good girls are bad girls that haven’t been caught yet”. REALLY? Caught by what? Genital warts? Caught by the realisation that a longer T-shirts would sympathetically spare everyone from seeing your corned-beef flesh?
The Four-Tit Bra First you have two tits (if you’re lucky)...not satisfied with two? Then get a bra two sizes too small and hey presto! The four-tit bra. Four tits does means twice as much fun and twice as much to grope – like co-joined twins in lace. The downside is it really confuses men and there are still only two nipples…unless of course you fashion another pair from chewing gum or something.
Skinny Jeans There’s a clue in the name...and it’s not just referring to your ankles.
Embedded Knickers Some people get their kicks walking around like this – that mildly uncomfortable clench – because for some reason you have to. It’s not enough that a handful of material has wedged itself in your arse crack, no……you clench in an attempt to somehow shake it free. Brazilian shorts look really sexy, unless they’re cutting into your arse making it look like a litter of puppies in a sack. Last year six people were admitted to A&E with their knickers wedged so far up their arses forceps had to be used to remove them. Just give up wearing knickers for fok’s sake – it makes peeing in the gutter is so much easier. Next Month: Camel Toe
A Pint With... Ed Byrne What day is your bin day? Friday. But it alternates between recyclables and non-recyclables and I can never remember which one we’re on. Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? No. I hear it’s very good though.
What did you have for tea last night? Lamb. A roasted shoulder. Many people prefer the leg but the shoulder is tastier, if a little hard to carve. If you get into a taxi, do you get into the front or the back? With a black cab you have no choice but in a mini cab it depends. It’s quite a mine field. If they’ve got stuff on the front seat then I’ll get in the back. If I’m in a bad mood I’ll get in the back. Other times I’ll get in the front. I’ve gotten in the front a few times in the past, though, and could really feel that the driver wasn’t comfortable with it. Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yeah. Brilliant film. I love the scene when he’s going on the date with Andy Mc Dowell again and again till he gets it just right. Did you make love last night? My girlfriend is away at the moment so I got down and dirty with myself. What the Profanisaurus calls, a ‘oneymoon’.
How Sexy Are You?
Follow this Ewes of the World Chart Thing to Find Out
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real life
Cleavage of the Month Tina Leathercrotch from Ystradgynlais
Tina Leathercrotch normally keeps her remarkable cleavage to herself but after reading the last issue of Ewes of the World, she thought she’d get in touch and let the world know about her splendid spuds. “To be honest, I’ve always seen myself as a bit of a sex goddess in my town. I often get men leering at me when I go down SuperCigs and when I’m out down the RAFA Club, I always get drinks bought for me if I get my tits out. The nights out I’ve had without spending a penny!” And for boyfriend Darren, having a supermodel girlfriend brings great pleasure to his life.
“Yeah, to be honest, I don’t have nothing much to do in the day time, so I sometimes go out down the park and have a look at the squirrels down there. They sort of run around and pick up nuts and things down there. It’s nice knowing that when I get back home, Tina and her tidy cleavage will be there waiting for me. It adds an extra dimension to my day.” Tina is now hoping to go onto bigger and better things now that she’s been featured in a free online magazine: “I’m hoping to go onto bigger and better things now that I’ve been featured in a free online magazine.” she says.
Tina Leathercrotch
AROUND THE HOME Derek the Weathersheep’s Guide to Doing Stuff Around the Home
#1 Ironing Something (Part 2) 1. The iron should now be switched on. 2. Place an item of clothing onto the ironing board and make it as flat as can be. 3. Lift the iron up and place it flat onto the item of clothing. Rub the iron back and forth over the item of clothing until it has been ‘ironed’. 4. Keep on doing this all over the garment until you achieve desired results. Next month: How to hang washing on a washing line.
Figure 1 13
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The UK Tour
...some of the most titanic riffs I have heard in years.
the vocal presence of Maria was nothing short of goddess-like
www.theconsortiumtour.co.uk
We are a Charity that collects tools from across Wales and sends refurbished tool kits to rural community groups in Tanzania. We fund this work by selling quality tools from our workshop in Crickhowell and at other events in Wales
LOVINGLY REFURBISHED TOOLS FOR SALE Quality Spades, Forks, Axes, Billhooks, Hoes, Rakes and Thousands more Tools Workshop open: Wed – Fri : 10am – 2pm Sat: 10.30 – 1.00pm Upper House Farm, Standard Street, Crickhowell, NP8 1BZ 0330 355 0122
www.tfsrcymru.org.uk
Registered Charity No: 1055483
Advertise here. Over 250,000 online readers expected every year. Your advert linked directly to your website from this page Email: derek@weathersheep.com for your free Media Pack
quiz
Will you go to heaven? You think you’re righteous right? Well, you might not be as righteous as you think you are. Take Derek the Weathersheep’s ‘How Holy Are You?’ Quiz here to find out! 1. You are crossing the road when you spot an frail old lady with a small dog waiting to cross the road. Do you? a) Approach the elderly lady and ask her if she needs assistance crossing the road, taking her arm in yours and helping her to the other side of the road, all the while asking her questions about life and family? b) Dash across the road quick without a thought? c) Stroll up to the old lady, boot the dog up the arse and into the path of an oncoming Number 52 bus? 2. A small child trips in front of you spilling their sweets and grazing their knee. Do you? a) Offer first aid, before taking them to the nearest sweet shop, and replacing their sweet supply and gently patting them on the head to comfort them? b) Step over the child as you continue on your way? c) Place a large sack of potatoes on 16
the small child to prevent them from getting up before stealing their supply of Haribo and running off in an easterly direction at a moderate to fair pace? 3. You find a purse while you’re waiting for the number 62 bus. It’s wodged full of cash but also contains some ID belonging to a little old lady. Do you?: a) Take the purse to the woman, along with a small dog and some teabags to keep her happy? b) Hand the purse into the local police station- I haven’t got time to be farting round. c) Get yourself down the local and get absolutely off your tits, before heading down to the local offy,and using your new found credit cards to the max on booze, fags and munchies?
4. The local church is looking for new lead that has been stolen from their roof. Do you? a) Hastily arrange a jumble sale, and parading round the town in a large chicken suit to drum up support? b) Leave it to other Christians- they’ve got bigger pockets than me. c) Sell the lead you nicked off their roof back to them, and head down the pub with the tidy little profit that you’ve made? 5. Songs of Praise write to you telling you that they’re coming to your local church to film. Do you? a) Buy a new suit, and get your hair cut, before setting up a Christian rock band with your two mates, called Three Steps to Heaven to play on TV? b) Buy a new suit, and get your hair cut, before setting up a Christian rock band with your two mates, called Three Steps to Heaven to play on TV? c) Buy a new suit, and get your hair cut, before setting up a Christian rock band with your two mates, called Three Steps to Heaven to play on TV? 6. Your best friend stuns you when they tell you that they are no longer a believer. Do you? a) Force them to the confessional box and throttle them until they change their minds? b) Remind them how rubbish their life is without religion? c) Murder them there and then on the spot so that they can see first hand what a bad mistake it was.
7. What’s your reason for being a Christian? a) I want to go to heaven. b) They wear fashionable accessories. c) All the other religions don’t allow me to do what I want to do, and then ask for forgiveness afterwards. 8. What’s your favourite bible story? a) Paul on the Road to Domestos? b) The one with the car chase? c) Any one as long as it’s got lots of ‘begatting’ in. Are you going to Heaven? Mostly As - Probably Mostly Bs - Dunno Mostly Cs - Probably Not
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competition
Win Cornwall!
Yes, you read that right! You could be the own the lovely sleepy region of Cornwall all to yourself! Think what you could do with it - you could go there, stay there, leave, go back again. In fact, you can do whatever you want to it by answering this very simple Tina Turner based question: Q: What is Tina Turner’s real name? Answers by email to our usual email address, quoting ‘Anna Mae Bullock’ in the subject line by May 30th 2013. * This competition is subject to Derek the Weathersheep being able to buy Cornwall from its current owners. This may not be possible, in which case, the winner will be allocated a substitute prize of a framed photo of a pirate.
Cornwall is famed for its pasties and people that talk funny. In Cornwall, you can go here and there, or you can just stay put. Most of it is surrounded by water and pirates. Not like the Somalian ones. Just the ones you see in the films. Like Johnny Depp.
Winner of last issue’s ‘Person Who Looks Like Peter Kay Dressed Up as Michael Ball’ Competition The winner of last issue’s ‘Person Who Looks Like Peter Kay Dressed Up as Michael Ball’ Competition is Michael Ball from Bromsgrove. He told Ewes of the World: “I’m chuffed to bits. After ‘Love Changes Everything’, things went tits up but now I’m back where I belong!”
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Michael Ball looking like Peter Kay dressed up as Michael Ball
Actors need something witty, pithy and fun to read. Working actors can read Private Eye whilst travelling first class on the train. Resting actors can read Ewes Of The World whilst watching Judge Judy in their pants.
David Garland Jones, Resting Actor
sport
15 Things You Never Knew About Football 1. Football was invented in 1207 by Percy Football. The game was first played with a dead pig, but the leg injuries sustained by players kicking a dead pig around, meant that they had to take the pig’s bladder out and kick that round instead. It was very fun, especially if the pig had been out on the lager the night before. 2. In 1467, the first football team was formed. I forget what they were called now. It was a long time ago. 3. The first football pitches were in fact round. This caused many problems, especially when players were awarded corners. After playing on round pitches for over 100 years, someone quite important decided that they should be played on rectangular pitches. 50 years later, dead pigs were dropped in favour of the aforementioned pig’s bladders. 4. Football teams have varied in size throughout history. Some were big and some were small. And some were medium sized. 5. Eleven players now make up a football team.
Oh, I do hope this looks terribly dramatic as I sail through the air with a pained expression on my face.
With the FA Cup Final not far away, Ewes of the World looks at some at some of the lesser known things about football
6. Plus a manager, who by law has to chew chewing gum. 7. Football is always played on a Saturday, except for those games played on other days of the week. 8. Some famous people have gone on to play football. David Beckham was once famous for being the Milky Bar Kid and Pele, the most famous footballer in the world, took up the sport at the age of 49, after a successful singing career. 9. Many songs have been invented to honour the sport. In 1992, there was a song released. But it wasn’t very good. 10. Football players are now paid lots of money for not doing very much. They are means-tested: how much they are paid depends on several factors including how far they can spit, how far they can dive, how many times they can roll across the pitch when another player accidentally brushes their right arm, and how long they can lie on their back clutching their shin and their shin pad. 11. Football injuries are unfortunately commonplace. These include: slightly squiffed up hair style, broken false nails, mud on the shirt and of course, shinpad pain. 12. The FA Cup will this year be played between two football teams. 13. FIFA, the governing body of football, are considering banning all games that result in a 0-0 draw. “They’re a complete waste of everybody’s time.” said a spokesperson. 14. The current World Cup holders are a football team. 15. Football is available to all people with a football.
www.ilovecf.com
Top 5 Cardiff
Hangover Breakfasts Ramon’s Cafe
Leading the way, the legendary Ramon’s on Salisbury Road has long been the first port of call for those in need of a slap up brekkie. For those who like a challenge, the city’s favourite café now boasts the ‘Mammoth Breakfast’. The price of this belt-busting breakfast (£17) gives you some indication of the meal. It consists of eight sausages,
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eight rashers of bacon, six eggs and four beefburgers, as well as hash browns, black pudding, beans, tomatoes, mushrooms, fried potatoes, omelettes, toast and four slices of buttered bread. All this can be washed down with a builder’s mug of tea or coffee and a pint of orange juice. If that doesn’t sort your hangover out, then nothing will. A: 64 Salisbury Road, Cathays, Cardiff CF24 4AD T: 029 2039 03910
K2 Coffee House This coffee shop is run by husband and wife Kevin and Kim (hence the K2 name!) on Llandaff’s busy High Street. Their small team serves up a varied selection of light meals and snacks but it is perhaps their breakfast menu that draws the punters in. A haunting place for BBC Wales weatherman Derek Brockway, breakfasts are served up with a smile and for a small amount extra, a piping hot pot of tea. Tidy. A: 23 High Street, Llandaff, Cardiff CF5 2DY T: 029 2056 3637
Hayes Snack Bar Well-known to citydwellers, the Hayes Island Snack Bar sits outside St David’s Hall. Plenty of seating outside means that visitors can dine alfresco on sunny days, but the cabin is usually the first place that early morning city workers head to for a hot breakfast bap on a rainy morning. A: The Hayes Cardiff, South Glamorgan CF10 1AH T: 029 2039 4858
Fino Lounge, Whitchurch
and orange juice. Our particular favourite parts of the meal were the sausage patties and although the plate doesn’t look full when it arrives, you’ll definitely leave feeling better than when you went in. A: 49 Merthyr Road, Cardiff, Wales CF14 1DB T: 029 2069 2616
The Plan You can find The Plan sat right in the middle of Morgan Arcade. Of its two floors, the ground floor is generally the busier. Breakfast is served between 9am and 11am, and ranges from bacon and eggs in a bap to a more healthy selection of fresh fruit and yoghurts. Renowned for its top quality coffee and its wide range of beverages, The Plan is well worth a visit at any time of the day. A: The Plan, 28 Morgan Arcade, Cardiff CF10 1AF T: 029 2039 8764
Fino opened in September 2008 having previously been a Blockbusters video store. Fino is one of the largest of ‘the Lounges’ comprising of a massive ground floor trading area and a smaller area upstairs. The place is usually frequented by young parents meeting for a coffee and a chat. Their breakfasts are well worth the £5 or so and includes a cup of tea or ‘proper’ coffee 21
E G A P ’ S THE LAD g out n a h n a c s d a l re The page whe talk about ‘lad’ stuff together and
Guaranteed Bird-Puller
Celebrity Interview with a chess player
How to Head Spin
Derek: Hi Chess Player: Hi Derek: What’s it like playing chess? Chess Player: It’s nice Derek: What do those prawn ones do at the front? Chess Player: They move forward one square, but they can move forward two squares on their first move only. And when they take an opposing player’s piece, they have to move forward diagonally. They can’t move sideways or backwards at any other time. And they’re call pawns, not prawns. Derek: Oh. 22
Step 1: Stand on your head. Step 2: Twirl round and round quite fast. Step 3: Keep on going until either your hair falls out or some bird asks you to take her home.
Step 4: Be careful not to catch bystanders with your big daps as you fly around. They could sue you and you could end up on the front of the local newspaper crying like a baby.
How to Tell If a Bird Fancies You As we all know, it’s easier to understand a Chinese man with a stutter and a lisp than women. They say yes and mean no and things like that. So how are we supposed to know when a bird fancies us? Well there are a few clues. Here are a few of them: • They’ll tell you that they love you and that they
want to have children with you. • They’ll open their legs for you. • They’ll throw you on the floor and sit on your face. • They’ll tell you that they don’t fancy you, except what they mean by that is that they do fancy actually fancy you.
DID YOU KNOW?
Not many people know this but your car has a secret device on it called an ‘indicator’. If you look at your steering column, you’ll find a secret stick, which will activate a flashing orange light on the outside of your car. It flashes to let other drivers know in which direction you are thinking of fakking going.
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When I’m not being famous on the telly, I like nothing better than to read Ewes of the World. Ruth Wignall, Newsreader and Weathergirl
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We look forward to meeting you at Perfect Image! LA Tanning Company
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Planning for your family ’ s future need not be stressful or expensive
The Bad News It’s not surprising that few of us have considered what the effect might be on our savings, our investments – even our homes, if we ever needed residential care later on in life. But unless careful arrangements have been made, our assets could be taken to pay for residential home fees.
Advertorial Currently, anyone with assets in excess of £23,250 (this includes the family home) may not be eligible for state help with their residential care fees. The result? Anyone who owns their own home is unlikely to receive such assistance. Family homes are being sold to pay for care fees, that on average, top more than £700 a week! On top of this, around 70% of Britons do not have a Will. This is bad news for families and good news for the Treasury. Why? If you died tomorrow and hadn’t made a Will, your children could be taken into care. If you’re not married, your surviving partner may not get anything at all!
The Good News Get A Will Today can help. There is a way to protect your family’s future. Get A Will Today’s specialist knowledge combined with their ethical standards means that your family’s future can be secured. One of their friendly Will consultants can visit you in the comfort of your own home, and help put your mind at rest. Call your local representative Kevin on 07850 977267 today to get your affairs in order and give you and your family total peace of mind. T: 07850 977267 E:kevin.mullane@getawilltoday.net
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problem page
ask doris Doris is here to sort out those problems in life that you can’t be arsed to sort yourself
Grubby Hubby I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter. I’m 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I’d leave him. He was made redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed
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and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him any more. Can you please help? Sandra St Asaph Doris Says: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it’s clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
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A Loving Gift My boyfriend, Emyr and I have been going out with each other for over a year now. This morning, he said he would like to give me a pearl necklace. I said I would think on it, but I am not in favour of the idea. They are rather dated and I would rather have a nice romantic break in Llangefni. Clara Criccieth Doris Says: A pearl necklace. Every girl’s dream! AND every man’s dream…… I think you might need to get out your copy of Roger’s Profanisaurus in case he was thinking of something else. PS – If he has a spare pearl necklace, I would be interested. Please let me have his phone number.
I never take anything else to the toilet with me. Bennett Arron, Comedian and TV presenter
h c a e r o t t n a W
S D N A S U O TH ? s r e d of rea
• 4,000+ Facebook followers • 1,500+ Twitter followers • 250,000+ unique visitors a year to www.weathersheep.com and growing every day! ! D L R O W E H T F O S E E IN EreW , on your e n o h p r u o ADVERthTaIS y n o , e lin t you can ad on r free! e
ad - all fo A magazin lo n w o d n e v e r o le d iPad, tablet, Kin ge directly a ss e m ss e n si u b r u o A new way to get y ople in Wales and beyond! to thousands of pe ional s s e f o , ull, pr For a f ia rate card med il me at eep. ema
ersh h t a e @w derek com
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byInvitation Ewes of the World at Wales’s best social events because all the other ones are shit
GLENDA’S SEPARATION
Guests gathered to celebrate Glenda Harper’s separation from overbearing and controlling boyfriend John Price.
Tony Allcock
Sam Warne and Gaynor Mallard 28
Glenda’s neighbour Tom
Darren Burke and Gemma East
Terry Hall
Glenda and friend Linda
Glenda’s mum Doreen
Dai Jones
byInvitation Ewes of the World at Wales’s best social events because all the other ones are shit
TERRY’S PRISON RELEASE
Friends gathered at Terry’s house to celebrate his release from HMP Bridgend Helen and Joanne Rees
Rachel and friend
Nittin Jones
Tracy Brown
Sharon Sutcliffe and Jo Barnes
Terry at the bar
Laura Crane
Darren Hipkiss 29
horoscopes YOUR FUTURE IN THE STARS By Enog
ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 20
The moon, rising up into Uranus is causing you terrible indigestion this month. Luckily, Neptune, the planet of digestive relief is having a positive effect on your health. Still. That doesn’t mean you can go eating any old rubbish. Lay off those pickled eggs if you can. You’re not making many friends and you keep disappearing in a green kind of haze.
TAURUS Apr 21 - May 21
You decide to open your own pub this month and after splashing out £450,000 on a franchise and refurbishment, your grand opening night falls rather flat when just two people turn up - and only as their car had broken down and needed to use the phone. Unlucky celebrity act to book this month – Bernard Matthews.
GEMINI May 22 - Jun 22
Gemini, by your very nature, you are a flirtatious person. You just can’t stop eyeing up the opposite sex, trying to see if you’re in with a chance. But this can get you into all sorts of trouble this month, especially when you try it on with your best friend’s boss.
CANCER June 23 - July 23
The sign of the crab. Diddums.
LEO July 24 - Aug 23
Oh Leo. If only there were enough superlatives in the English dictionary to describe you.
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23
Virgo, you really do need to get a grip on that body odour situation. It seems that your inability to wash is losing you a lot of friends. Even the dog sits down the other end of the settee these days. Get yourself down to Superdrug and stock up on some smellies – it might just be the best thing you’ve done all year.
LIBRA Sept 24 - Oct 23
Pluto, the planet of heavy workloads, brings its delightful presence to your chart this month. And you thought you had it tough working 80 hours a week. Yes, unfortunately, things are about to get even tougher. However, Neptune, the planet of light relief, moves into your chart at the end of April, and with it, a day off.
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22
Sexy Scorpio. So sexy, that even the Church Warden wants to have an affair with you. Be careful who you share your juices with this month Scorpio – that looker you pick up from the church fete has got a ‘wart problem’ downstairs and you could be implicated in a church scandal. Evil.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 - Dec 21
Nothing much to shout about this month Sagittarius. In fact, if I were you, I’d write off April and get started on May a month early.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 20
Capricorns can expect a varied month in April. There’ll be some good days and some bad days. There’ll be some days in between and some days that are more days that are better than the bad days and some days that will be badder than the better days. I know I said this last month, but that’s what the chart says.
AQUARIUS Jan 21 - Feb 19
That goes for you too.
PISCES Feb 20 - Mar 20
Pisces can expect a lot of love this month with the arrival of Venus in your chart. It means that you will have to start washing again and also brushing your teeth wouldn’t be a bad thing either. Be careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings though – mouthwash should do the trick.
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