DEAR DOCKET | BY LISA GERBER
Dear Docket, Valentine’s Day really ticked me off this year. Maybe because I’m still single. What should I do?
A Practical Guide to Being Single in 2020 1. Be careful chewing your food. Otherwise you could choke and die, wearing God knows what.
4. Tell your neighbors you have a “long distance” significant other. You don’t want them thinking they’re better than you.
2. Ask friends to set you up. The apps are a fun sort of headache that provide the illusion that you’re being proactive about your personal life. But it’s a rat race. A hamster wheel. A real bait n’ switch, see? And now that they’re all married up and a tad stir crazy, your friends’ matches for you will be surprisingly on point. Your life is their romance novel. Take advantage.
5. Stop caring what your neighbors think.
3. Make a lot of money. This is a good idea for anyone, but especially the single. Money keeps you warm, you see. In all sorts of ways. When it’s not providing you the societal validation you’re missing by being in a couple, you can literally sew it into a blanket or something.
7. Enjoy your life. Be here now. Dance like no one is watching. All those memes are true. We attract people when we know we’d be okay alone. Not just “I have my routine and I’m fine” okay, but actually tickled to be in the flow of life.
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THE DOCKET
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6. Do something you’re passionate about. You’ll most likely meet your person doing something you love. Not like at the bank or the car wash. And definitely not at the grocery store. Contrary to what you’ve heard since the 90’s, no one has ever met anyone at the grocery store.
F E B R U A R Y/ M A R C H 2 0 2 0
8. Learn to fill exactly two bags at the grocery store. No more, no fewer. One isn’t enough food for the week, and three requires another trip to the car. And who has time for more trips to the car? I needn’t remind you that time is precious and fleeting. You know that better than anyone. 9. Avoid taking advice from single people. Except for me, of course. 10. Don’t order too much Thai food delivery at once. You think you’ll eat it tomorrow, but you won’t. And for goodness sake, don’t chew it too quickly, or tomorrow may never come. Send your Dear Docket questions to hmartinez@cobar.org
