1 minute read
HALMONI AND ME Jessica Tadokoro
from ROOTS - DAY USC
by dayusc
Our relationship is complex. a towering wall stands between us and no matter how many times we cry out to each other, english slams into brick, korean collides with concrete and they never quite reach the other side. i face the mocking wall before me: korean characters flash in nonsensical patterns before my eyes, incoherent phrases and intonations ring in my ears, taunting me as i drown in guilt, isolation, shame, and anxiety.
Our relationship is complex. but maybe not as complex as i thought! ten-year-old me was so transfixed on that daunting language barrier, so blind to the cracks hiding in that seemingly impenetrable wall, so deaf to the Love that squeezed through those crevices. but now, if i shut my eyes, open my heart and focus, i can hear my halmoni’s determined, never-ending affection reaching me in whispers, wrapping me in Love even though i’m standing on the other side of the wall.
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i don’t have to speak korean to know her Love.
i feel it in every embrace: her strong hands firmly patting my back, her small frame enveloping my own in such strength.
i see it in every encouraging smile: the proud, adoring glow lighting up her eyes as she gazes at her granddaughter.
i taste it in every mouth-watering meal she cooks: her mandu stuffed with meat, vegetables and care, her tteokguk bursting with flavor and warmth.
i hear it in every phone call: audible kindness fills the gaps in her broken english and joy radiates from her gentle laugh. all along, this is how she was saying “jessica, I Love You.”
Our relationship is complex. yes, that battered wall still stands today but it’s crumbling, crumbling, crumbling: soft clay disintegrates in my outstretched fingers, fragmented rubble piles at my feet. 18 years later, the barrier is finally tumbling down.
18 years later, i realized our relationship is characterized by Love: the one language we do share and the most powerful one of all. it extends across generations and shatters mountains of stone and it’s the one that will never fail my halmoni and me.
