You Can Handle Them All Even They Say...I Don't Wanna and You Can't Make Me!

By Linda Mace, Associate Director Alt Ed, Behavior Supports, Norman Public Schools

As we all know the brain is a wonderful, powerful thing!

Effective management of behaviors begins with a basic understanding of the brain - yours as well as your students. We fluidly move through three states of the brain: Executive, Emotional, and Survival. The brain works together as a whole and all three states are needed, however the Executive State (Prefrontal Lobe) is where we need to operate and where our students are when they feel relaxed and safe. When adults are in the Emotional or Survival State of the brain they cannot assist a child….remember, dysregulated adults do not help create regulated children!! When we learn to effectively communicate by avoiding trigger words such as “no” we are able to avoid power struggles and non-compliance.

In our work with students who have experienced trauma, thanks to COVID 19 100% of our population has had a traumatic event in their life (students and adults), we utilize key strategies and tools to not escalate and to get the behaviors we expect students to have in the academic settings. These tools and strategies also work for parents in their homes.

The first and most important strategy is to be in the Executive State of the brain! The adult must remain calm and stay in this state AND create an environment to support a student to be in the Executive State of the brain. A student must feel calm and safe in order to access this area of their brain. A few ways to help a student or staff member feel safe and calm is by greeting them when you see them, calling them by their first name (or preferred name) pronounced correctly and telling them you are glad to see them, having a morning check-in routine that allows for connection to emotional feelings (awareness) and other SEL strategies woven into the day. Keep in mind these 2 questions that students and staff are asking just by showing up each day: 1. Do you see me? 2. Do you care?

The second strategy is to provide students and adults clear, simply stated expectations given to them positively and reinforced with positive specific praise. A positive specific praise example, “Thank you for sitting at your desk in the ready to learn position” vs. “Good job”. This will change 80% of the unwanted behaviors in a classroom or school. Teachers only give positive specific praise 6.25% of the time. This makes the support staff, custodian, cafeteria staff, and anyone else in the building your culture changers. Focusing on providing positive specific praise for what you WANT to see will make it happen! Try giving this positive specific praise to your staff for what you want from them this school year and see it come to fruition as well.

The third strategy is for avoiding the power struggle. We have 5 tools for your toolbox under this third strategy. These all address students' noncompliance and the common thread is” how you deliver the message”. Two important key factors of working with at-risk students and/or non-compliant students are, use fewer words and use words they are unable to twist into an argument or a cycle.

Remember, how you respond to a student/adult behavior will determine if that behavior will happen again! An escalating student is trying to gain control of the situation (aka take the power). If the adult escalates with the student (goes into the Emotional State of the brain), the student will only go up as well and could end up in the Survival State of the brain. The adult must stay calm, remain in the frontal lobe (Executive State) and utilize the tools.

Tool #1:

Take back your power by making a statement and NOT saying something you cannot follow through with. Don’t make me, vs. I’m going to stop reading until everyone is ready. Then stop reading and wait in SILENCE (fewer words!). They will comply if you are patient.

NEVER ask a potentially noncompliant student to do anything in the form of a question. For example, do you want to get started on the assignment? We all know their answer. Instead say, let me help you get started I see you have…..this is next…and so on.

Tool #2:

Two positive choices. Only choose choices for the student YOU want them to have. You may have this or this. Then wait for them to choose (silently). They will eventually choose. Note their choice so you get an idea of their interests. For example, you may sit at this desk or on the carpet during the whole group discussion. Don’t offer them to leave class because that will ALWAYS be their choice.

Tool #3:

Yes I will! This is by far my most favorite!!! Using the word YES at the end of a request will get a yes answer in response. I do use this on my spouse. Honey, we are going to “restaurant” for dinner tonight, yes? His response is yes before he even knows he has said it. Another example is when asking a middle school student to go somewhere they may not really want to go. You are going to the buddy teacher’s classroom this hour, yes? They will respond yes without hesitation.

Because the word “no” is a trigger to the Emotional State of the brain for anyone who has had a traumatic event in their past, using the word yes in response to their request keeps this from happening. This doesn’t mean you are granting every request a student or staff member has! If a student asks to go to the restroom while you are teaching and it’s not the time, your response is “ yes, in 10 minutes”. Think about how you can use this with your staff as well when they are making requests, “yes, when we are able to complete the process first”.

Tool #4:

Use of one liners. These are short statements that give the student nothing to twist and create an argument cycle. Examples: I understand, no thanks I have a banana, that’s not okay, we’ll see, etc. I am sure you too can think of some one liners to use when a student has started escalating. However, to access those one liners you must be in that Executive State of the brain!

Tool #5:

Let me get this right. This tool is especially useful when working with escalated students who need to tell their side of the story. You ask them to start talking while you are writing. Then you stop them, read what you have written, they will correct you, and you make the corrections. After you make the corrections you re-read it and then you ask clarifying questions. What you are doing is de-escalating without joining the story telling or giving “your version”. You are controlling the pace as well so the student does de-escalate. I have also used this with a staff member who was escalated over a student situation and needed to vent it all out first before we could really talk through the situation.

As a recap, always remember, you are an adult and must remain calm so you can access the Executive State of the brain when working with challenging students, staff and/or situations. Keep the expectations simple, positively stated and practical. And lastly, avoid those power struggles that are so easy to fall into by utilizing one of the five tools now in your toolbox and reshaping the delivery of your message. ■