Teaching Kids Consent
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How to talk to children of all ages about appropriate and inappropriate touching By Bethany Braun-Silva
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s parents, we naturally try to compensate for our kids’ shortcomings. My son is painfully shy around people he doesn’t know, a fact I often tell people before they have a chance to make assumptions about him. However, with family I tend to compensate in the other direction and insist that my son give Aunt So-and-So a hug when we leave family events. However, I recently learned this is not recommended as a parenting technique: Our kids need to learn consent and how to set boundaries themselves. Though you can guide them, they will ultimately have to decide for themselves. If my son doesn’t want to give his aunt a hug, then she will just have to accept that—and so will I. Here are some helpful tips for discussing consent with your kids and helping them to establish their own boundaries.
Young Children
Teaching “no” and “stop”: Empower your children to say no when they don’t want to have physical contact with another person, including relatives. “When kids can speak up about what kind of play and affection is and is not okay with them, even under emotional pressure to please someone, they are far better prepared to handle sexual pressure as they get older,” says Irene van der Zande, founder of Kidpower, a nonprofit that teaches kids and adults skills for child protection, positive communication, and personal safety. Teach empathy. Very young children don’t understand their actions have consequences. Teach them that if they hit, the
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February 2017 | nymetroparents.com
person they hit gets hurt. Ask them how they would feel if they were hit. Keep the tone kind and casual, so you don’t induce shame in your child. Help children understand facial expressions and body language. Being able to read another person is a great way for children to understand consent and also to be able to react appropriately. They can learn to back off if they are overwhelming a friend or offer kind words if they notice a sibling is sad. Help them recognize when something feels strange. Teaching kids to honor their gut instincts is a great way to teach consent and awareness. If something doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. Teach your children to speak up in uncomfortable situations. Talk to them on their level. When discussing issues like touching and consent with young children, keep conversations short, very focused, and to the point, says Lisa Cassidy, Ph.D., a psychologist who practices on Long Island.
Big Kids
Encourage kids to check in with each other during playtime. Imaginary worlds can sometimes be consuming to children at play, and it’s important to remind them to take a timeout now and again to make sure every one is okay. Encourage your child to be more mindful. Did he see bullying on the playground? Did she say something hurtful unknowingly? Ask your kids how they would handle the situation