another AGAIN
David Janssen, Jr.
another AGAIN
David Janssen, Jr.
for when you are alone or much too close
Cleaned the house today. Found a shirt that isn’t mine under our bed. I can’t wait to tear into you when you get here. I will make dinner and pretend like everything is fine. I will wait until we are done having sex. You always want to fuck after I do something romantic, like make dinner. I am sure you will try to slither your way out of this one too. You hate accusations. You love arguing though. I can tell in your eyes. That forked tongue spits some evil shit every once in awhile. I know for a fact it isn’t your shirt. You don’t wear a size small. It doesn’t smell like you. It smells like some other guy. It’s not your brothers either so don’t tell me that shit. It’s not for a project. Someone was here in this house while I was gone. I feel so alone even when you are here in this room with me. If it’s the sex just tell me. I told you when we got together that at any moment you aren’t happy anymore that you can tell me and we can go our own ways. *T h i s i s n ’ t w h a t I w a n t e d *
I APOLOGIZED FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU. It was low. I hope this isn’t payback. I wonder how long this has been going on. We have a life together now. What did I do wrong ? This is so fucked up. Maybe instead of making dishes I will break everything in the kitchen. You love to clean up after me. You’re like a fuckin’ rat. You wait for me to make mistakes so you can tell everyone how hard we are trying and that things are getting better. E VEN MY FRIENDS DON’T LIKE ME ANYMORE. I wonder if I should just wait to say anything until later tonight. I might wait til you go to sleep. I will put on my clothes, drink a glass of water, leave you a nice note on the bathroom mirror and then just start walking. maybe
i
go
to
the
bar.
try
to
find
someone
else.
PUKEINTHEALLEY.CALLYOUINAPANIC. THEREISTHISSTRANGEFEELINGWHENYOUGETTHISLOW.
TESTING YOUR LIMITS TO SEE WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE YOURSELF
STAY THE NIGHT.
You opened like a letter and closed like one too.
If I breathe hard enough I can almost see you through the snow. When we stand together I can almost feel our frozen breath. When I get near the glass I can almost taste you through the ice above me.
Fireflies are out tonight. We walked through a few wheat fields and then stopped. You held my hand and started to cry. I could have died in that moment and would have paid anything to stay there with you. Later that night was the first time you said that you loved me. The fireworks were amazing. I have never seen anything like you and the way those lights hit the sky. That cucumber melon perfume you had on was driving me crazy. I know we haven’t been together long, but I hope you don’t get tired of me.
OMG. U FUCKIN LEFT ME HERE! WTF? i should have never went out tonight. ur such a dick. fuck u. for real. u are such a let down…
i wont be home for days i dont want to talk to you we need to talk
i have something i need to tell you. when can we meet?
you up?
XOXO We chose each other with all the unknowns. We made oaths and signed our names. We crossed our hearts. We pinky swore, with our fingers crossed. We marked our walls with large black Xs. We multiplied our lives together. We were Xs and Os. You searched for what was safe and I found what wasn’t. We made oaths and signed our names. We crossed our hearts. You multiplied your life by mine. My lights went out and at times it felt like ecstasy. We crossed our hearts and I felt like dyin’. I was north and south. You were east and west. I marked your hands and you never got in. You took my tests and answered wrong. There was a spot in our hearts where we intersected. Now looking back, we were only ever just Xs.
CALL THEM. I DARE YOU.
see what happens.
The Woods Every once in a while, you come to the front of my mind, then you disappear into the woods again. I only notice you were here, because I was then. When I feel the fog, that’s when I remember. As it gathers at my feet, you slowly turn away. The edge of that yellow dress follows you into the woods. I can feel your eyes on me as I search for you. I watched the fog behind your eyes billow. You are near me now. I hear that laugh and the crunch of the leaves. First in front, then behind. Side to Side. I sharpen my knife because you are still in my mind.
(fill in a name. use large + bold letters.)
you are my best friend.
MY MIND-SE T MAKES YOU UPSE T. YOU KEEP WONDERING WHAT'S NE X T. SHE WAS TRYING TO BE HER BES T.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN BOTH JUS T BE ? ALL THE THINGS YOU DO, HIDDEN IN ME. SHE WOULD HIT HIM AGAIN JUS T TO SEE HIM FALL TO THE FLOOR. HER FACE SO RED, LIKE THE L ACE BEHIND HER JE ANS.
W A I T
O U T S I D E
U N
I ONLY WANT YOU BECAUSE YOU NE VER WANT ME. ALL THIS TIME ON THEIR KNEES, JUS T WAITING TO SEE.
E VERY WHERE YOU WANT TO BE AND NOWHERE IN BE T WEEN.
GRAB HIS EARS AND YELL AT HIS HEAD AGAIN.
T I L
T H E
T H U N D E R
C O M E S .
WHO KNEW THIS MUCH HURT COULD BE THIS MUCH FUN.
middle finger in the air. D E S T R U C T I V E
S T A R E .
EVERYTHING IS A FIGHT AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU BRING ME FLOWERS JUST BECAUSE .
It started raining before I woke up today. The rain could have gone on forever because I was inside and warm with you. I fell in love with you again. I watched you singing in the kitchen. You didn't know I was there. I smiled, put my hands in my pockets and wished for an encore. I've made a lot of mistakes but you still love me and help me through it all.
TELL THEM ALL YOUR SECRETS. TAKE THEM TO THE TREASURE. GIVE THEM ALL YOU GOT. FOREVER
&
EVER
Let’s split an Arizona Iced Tea. There is some change in the ashtray. We will get out of this place someday. Until then, let’s sit on the curb, because it's too hot in that house. Let’s wait until we get paid again to buy a new fan.
Talk about our dreams and things that we would change if we could.
Really lovin’ this summer with you.
My head is spinning. I bet you’re at work right now putting on that smile like you do. I put food in your mouth and clothes on your back and this is how you repay me? I can’t fuckin’ believe this shit. I might be drunk when you get home. I am going to come home early from work and catch you with him or her. Yeah, maybe it’s a chick. This shit isn’t fuckin’ funny. You’ve said that shit in the past. I bet you finally acted on it. FUCK. I will find the owner of this shirt and break my hands on them. I heard the door open downstairs. Just the neighbor kids. I would do anything to play basketball and not give a shit about any of this anymore. I wish she wouldn’t have left. I get too lonely on these summer days. No one has text me in a few days. Fuck it. I am going to start drinking. I know it’s only 9am. Get off my back. There is something about this bottle to my head that I like. Wait a minute. There was more whiskey in here earlier today. Am I drunk already? No. Fuck. I am drunk. No. I can’t be. I just woke up. You are gone because your shoes aren’t by the door. YOU’REGONEFORSURE. Y o u r c a r i s n ’ t h e r e . I can’t handle another phone call asking me if I am oka y since she past. She wa s t o o yo u n g . 7. W hy ? You said you would be there but you had to work . I w e n t t o t h e f u n e r a l w i t h o u t y o u . I can’t go to the f uck in’ supermarket w ithout seeing some k id and break ing down in the aisles. I need to know whose f uckin’ shir t t his is . I can’t handle this any more. I am going to go to w here you work and ask you. I don’t care if you think I am craz y. I feel craz y.
MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. SWEEP THE FLOOR. MAKE DINNER. MAK DINNER. IMAKE DINNER. DINNER. MAKE am seeing shit andMAKE can’t sleep. I just want to beDINNER. fucked upIS all THIS the NORMAL MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. THROW OUT THAT CONDOM time. I hear you DINNER. laugh, andMAKE I want to punch a fuckin’ wall. I keep WRAPPER.praying MAKEthat DINNER. DINNER. MAKEYou DINNER. WASH THE DISHES it will beMAKE over, but it never ends. fucked some other MAKE DINNER. MAKE MAKE DINNER. DINNER. MAKE DINNER guy; I know it. IDINNER. won’t do anything dramatic ifMAKE you just tell me. You MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. DINNER. MAKE DINNER shouldn’t tell me, becauseMAKE I will find him. All MAKE I have isDINNER. time to look MAKE DINNER. FLOOR. MAK right now.MAKE When DINNER. she passed MAKE it really DINNER. fucked withSWEEP my head.THE I don’t DINNER. MAKE MAKE DINNER. MAKE MAKE want toDINNER. be your friend anymore. I just want DINNER. you to be at home,DINNER. IS THI NORMAL?soMAKE DINNER. MAKE MAKE make DINNER. OUT THA I can see you when I want.DINNER. I know it doesn’t sense.THROW I just CONDOMwant WRAPPER. MAKE MAKE DINNER. DINNER. WASH TH you there. I don’tDINNER. want to talk about anything.MAKE I just want to DISHES. MAKE DINNER. MAKE MAKE DINNER. MAK be quiet. I NEED MAKE YOU toDINNER. understand that. IDINNER. am so pissed off and DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE MAKE angry ALL THE FUCKIN’ TIME. If you touchDINNER. me like that I am DINNER. MAK DINNER. MAKE MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. SWEEP going toDINNER. lose my mind. I don’t feel strong anymore. I am tired of theTHE FLOOR MAKE DINNER. DINNER. MAKE game. IMAKE have this shirt in my handsDINNER. and I am MAKE using it DINNER. to cry into.MAKE My DINNER IS THIS NORMAL? MAKE DINNER. MAKE OU eyes feel like theyDINNER. are going MAKE to explode. If you did this DINNER. to me, that THROW is THAT CONDOM WRAPPER. MAKE DINNER. MAKEAND DINNER. WASH it. We are done. NOMAKE MOREDINNER. SWEET KISSES ON THE CHEEK THE DISHES. MAKE HOLDING DINNER. HANDS MAKE .DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER NO MORE MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. SWEEP TH I feel like walking out to the field and letting myself go. I don’t want FLOOR. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAK to see you anymore. You can’t see me like this. I will put on a mask DINNER. IS THIS NORMAL? MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER when you come home and act like its all okay. THROW OUT THAT CONDOM WRAPPER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAK DINNER. WASH THE DISHES. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER Kiss her on the mouth when she gets here. Help take her jacket. Tell her you had a SWEEP THE FLOOR. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAK DINNER. MAKE DINNER. IS THIS NORMAL? MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER great day. Tell her all the things that you did. Tell her about wanting to have a better MAKE DINNER. THROW OUT THAT CONDOM WRAPPER. MAKE DINNER. MAK DINNER. MAKE DINNER. WASH THE DISHES. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER relationship with her dad. NO, fuck that. You hate her dad and her dad hates you. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER That would never fly. She will know something is up. MAKE DINNER. SWEEP THE FLOOR. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAK DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. IS THIS NORMAL? MAKE DINNER MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. THROW OUT THAT CONDOM WRAPPER. MAK DINNER. MAKE DINNER. MAKE DINNER. WASH THE DISHES. MAKE DINNER
COME.
COME TO BED.
COME BACK TO BED.
COME BACK.
do me a favor and be me, so i can be free kiss my heart and light it on fire watch the ash drift towards the sky that’s where i wish to be
THEY AREN’T SO BAD THEY AREN’T SO BAD ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW THEM. T H E Y A R E N ’ T S O B A D
I SHOULD TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. IF THE LANDLORD SEES ME AND SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW I LOOK, I AM GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT. DON’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU KNOW THAT WILL HAPPEN. JUST STAY HERE. JUST STAY HERE. JUST STAY HERE. JUST STAY HERE. JUST STAY HERE. I NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER. WHERE DID THAT CARD FOR COUNSELING GO? JESUS. JUST KEEP DRINKING AND IT WILL ALL GO AWAY. THIS WILL BE OVER SOON. OR IT WON’T BE. WHOSE FUCKING SHIRT IS THIS?? I SWEAR. SHOULD I MAKE DINNER? YEAH. I WILL DO THAT. NOTHING LIKE FROZEN PIZZA TO SAY I LOVE YOU. THIS BOX IS TOO RED. I DON’T LIKE THAT. SIT ON THE BED. HOLD THAT SHIRT AND KEEP CRYING. JUST 7 MORE HOURS UNTIL SHE IS HOME. YOU CAN SOBER UP SOON. TAKE A SHOWER. GET NAKED AND WALK AROUND. I can’t explain this to you. It’s so hot here. Where did that shirt go? Where is it? Its was just here. Calm down. No. Keep getting upset. Okay. There it is. Who moved it? It was here; now it’s over there. What the fuck is going on? This fan on the ceiling doesn’t work. I wonder what kind of mess it would make if I tore it down. I miss my family. I wish things were how they used to be. If I have to go to another funeral I’m going to die. What is that like 10 now? I am going to die soon? No. Why would I? How many dishes do we need in this fuckin’ house? Why do you keep asking questions? I have a good one for you. How long would it take for the police to come if you threw yourself out the window? Stay inside. Put the drink down. Take a shower. Think about what she is doing at work.
i am going to break those plates your mom gave us.
YO U N E E D A S O L I D GA M E P L A N . WHERE DID THIS FUCKIN’ SHIRT COME FROM? YO U S H O U L D N ’ T H AV E D R A N K T H AT MU C H . I S H O U L D B E I N C L A S S R I G H T N OW.
Everything is too heavy right now. Nothing feels real. Is she here yet? Her lips. The rain helps. Makes me feel like nature understands. I just need an outlet for all of this. Nothing is helping but drinking. It just makes the lights go out but I always wake up and it starts all over. I prayed the other day but nothing happened. I prayed at her funeral. This shit really fucks up the family dynamic. I can’t believe she was only 7. Should I have kids? No. Not now. You would be a terrible dad right now. You can’t even tell what day it is. Who would trust you to watch a baby right now? You haven’t even got out of the house in like 4 days. Pathetic. It’s okay. It’s still early.
WHERE IS YOUR DRINK? OKAY. ON THE SINK. I AM SO DISAPPOINTED THAT IT’S ONLY NOON RIGHT NOW. SHE COMES HOME SOON. ORGANIZE THE SHOES. YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES.
FUCK.
WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE REALLY IS RIGHT NOW?
WORK?
THAT’S FUNNY. She is probably with who ever owns this shirt you found. I hate her sometimes.
Is this how people “get over” stuff ? Fuckin’ a. I wish my hands felt better. I guess I deserve that pain.
You can’t go throwing your fists around and not expect to not hit something. Stay away from the bars.
You’re on one right now. Don’t dare leave the house. Wait for her. She can help you. Stay angry. Make her feel as bad as you so she understands. I hate these pants. What is burning? Is something burning? What is that smell? SH!T. Grab the alarm off the ceiling. Take the battery out nicely. Don’t smash this one. You can’t afford a new one. OKAY GOOD. no big deal. You fuckin’ idiot. You’re too trashed to know what’s going on. Hope you like eating popcorn again. That was your last frozen pizza. She is going to be pissed. Clean your glasses, you child. Don’t hold back, let it out. FEEL THAT RAGE. LET IT HAPPEN. Let it happen. You’ve been crying for hours. Shaking and stumbling around this little apartment. Call your Dad. fuck that. Don’t call him. He can’t hear you like this. It’s not going to help anything. You should get in the car and drive. Too bad you probably won’t make it down the stairs, you asshole.
WHY WHY IS IS EVERYTHING EVERYTHING SO SO BLURRY? BLURRY? WHERE DID YOU PUT YOUR GLASSES? JESUS CHRIST. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THIS THIRSTY BEFORE? GET OFF THE FLOOR AND GO TO THE KITCHEN. GET SOME WATER. NOT WHISKEY. WATER. YOU FUCKIN’ JERK. HOLY SHIT. YOU’VE GOT TO GET IT TOGETHER. PUT ON SOME MUSIC. NOT BIGGIE.
Her music taste is shit. It’s okay though because she does like heavy metal. Maybe put on some oldies. ARETHA. Always Aretha. There you go. Calm down. I think I saw something in the bedroom. Go check. Nothing. Okay. Cool, now I think I am seeing shit. You are seeing shit. You are. You. Are. Close your eyes again. What if you don’t wake up? What if this is just a dream? What if it’s not? Is the oven still on? I shut it off.
Me and My Bitch SOMETHING THAT SHE WILL LIKE.
I A M S O H E AV Y N OW . W hy c a n’t I m ove ? WA K E U P AGA I N ! W h a t h a p pe ne d t o A r et h a !
?
where!sthatfuck!ngsh!rt
STAY IN THE SHOWER
UNTIL IT'S OVER
You need some water. Look out the window. What is that guy doing? Is he looking at me? Fuck that guy. He doesn’t know me. I smell terrible. Did I even use soap earlier? Jesus. Guess not. Take a shower with soap this time. Great. No more clean towels. Use those sweatpants. Awesome! You are dry now.
MOTHERFUCKERS. I can’t stop sweating. Maybe I should call someone. Cool, I am sweating for no reason and I can’t figure out who shut off the music. Where is that fuckin’ shirt!? I had it right here. I am inches away from losing my shit again. Yell. That will help. Scream. That feels awesome. My face is so hot now. Kick over that table in the kitchen. You never liked it any ways. Remember that argument you got in with her when you were moving it in? Remember how we fucked on that table a few hours later? That was awesome.
Maybe she’s not at work. Maybe she left and you don’t remember. I bet that’s why your eyes hurt so much. Not from the crying. Take a walk outside. I don’t think I can make it down the stairs. I really don’t want to. DO IT. No. I’m really okay. No you’re not. That’s so fuckin’ laughable that you think you are. Trashed. That’s what you are. Everything you are a part of is trash. Everyone leaves you or dies. She is going to leave too. You will be alone again. Why do you push back?
Go down the stairs you fuckin' pussy. O p e n t h e d o o r .
LLooookk i inn t thhee hhaal ll lwwaayy. . HHeer r sshhooeess aar ree ggoonnee. . * go back inside *
ALL I NEED TO KNOW IS IN THE WAY YOU LOOK UP AT ME AND SAY I LOVE YOU
S
L
L
O
I
W
K
L
E
Y
F
A
L
L
I
N
A { fill in the blanks }
{ hint: He loves me, He loves me not }
You ever meet someone and understand them right away? When you believe you’ve said all the same things to them in another time before. When you dance around each other to music that feels so important to you both.
Sharing the same ideas and vision for your lives. The intimate moments. The days. They just understand. You feel no motivation to do anything if it doesn’t somehow make your lives better. Not questioning the motives. You believe with all you have that they care for you. The safety in knowing.
All because of them.
NOT GOING OUT TODAY. Fine. Punk. Close the door. Lock it. Double check. Double check. Double check. Double check. Get a drink. I hate this feeling. It’s been like this for awhile. I’m lost. I just want you here. Nothing makes it better but you. You always make it worse. Help is on the way. I can’t breathe. Drifting away now. Where are you? Whose shirt is this? It’s over. It’s beginning again. Here comes the anger. BREAK SOMETHING NOW! You will feel so much better. Pull out those drawers. Throw all the clothes. Lay down for a while. Try to be calm. I can’t believe you would do this. Why? Who is here? Look out the window. No one. You’re hearing things again. Make it stop. Do something. Help me. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Soak it all in. It’s over for you. It’s over. Over. Somehow I am on the kitchen floor. I smell someone grilling outside. Look out the window. I can’t sleep without the sound of traffic and trains. she is in here with me and i can feel it.
MAKE A WISH & FORGET A BOUT IT
TOO
TIE ME to
TH E BE D
STO P S E N D I N G M E TH E S E F U C K I N ' S Y M B O LS A N D E M O J I S
TH EY D R I V E M E C R A ZY. TH AT ’ S W H Y. G O D I H ATE YO U .
BA D
E
D
I ’ M G O I N G TO B EAT YO U R A S S LATE R .
F I R S T
I AM AFRAI MOST GOOD TH THAT HAPPE ME BECAUSE PARANOID THAT I LOSE THOSE G THINGS. I AM AF OF MOST G THINGS THAT HA TO ME BECAUSE PARANOID T
ID OF HINGS EN TO I GET WILL GOOD FRAID GOOD APPEN I GET THAT I
It’s mornings like today when I wonder what would have happened to my life if I had just stayed far away from you. Resisting your charm and warm touch. I need to get out of this situation. I don’t know what to do. You keep saying that you like it when I hurt you
but that really scares me.
I’m not into it. It doesn’t turn me on like it does for you. I won’t put my hands on you. You have changed so much since we first met. I thought you were innocent and sweet.
I’M REALIZING HOW WRONG I REALLY WAS.
Let me just stay here. Let me just be finished today. When did it get so dark outside ? There must be a storm coming.
GONE. GONE. GONE. It will all be over soon. I get so nauseated around you. Yeah, I do too. She is in here. I can smell her. I can see her. Where is she ? I can’t stop sweating, and I can’t stop crying. My chest hurts and my head hurts. There isn’t enough I can do to make it go away. Everything seemed better when you are around. I am so into you. I hate you. I just need to keep painting, so I can get out of here someday. That’s all I have to offer. It’s all that I feel good at. Saying goodbye to me would be the greatest gift you could give me.
i need some room to breathe.
A QUICK ANSWER GUIDE 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.
NOTHING JUST FRIENDS LOVERS FUCK–BUDDIES TOGETHER MARRIED PARTNERS HOOKING UP FACEBOOK OFFICIAL JUST GETTING STARTED FALLING APART NOT PUTTING LABELS ON IT JUST TALKING JUST TEXTING JUST HOLDING ON DATING GOING STEADY BROKEN FIGURING IT OUT SEEING EACH OTHER
21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40.
DIVORCED EXES ENGAGED ENRAGED SNEAKIN’ AROUND CELEBRATING OUR LIFE TOGETHER JUST FUCKIN’ AROUND NOTHING SERIOUS JUST WORKING TOGETHER SENDING A LOT OF TEXTS BACK AND FORTH CASUALLY DATING JUST HOMIES IDK WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT? CALLING IT QUITS JUST LIVING TOGETHER FINALLY MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME DRINKING BUDDIES DTF IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE WE ARE HAPPY
COMMIT or keep sending nudes to each other for awhile and stay noncommittal so that way you don’t have to take any responsibility for your feelings
I HAD TO TAPE THOSE BRUSHES IN MY HANDS THIS WEEK BECAUSE OF HOW BRUISED THEY WERE FROM THE WEEKEND. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER WENT OUT. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET MYSELF WIN. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER KISSED YOU. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LIED TO YOU ABOUT WHAT I AM. I AM HURT. I AM. I TRIED TO HIDE THIS FROM YOU BUT IT WOULD SLIP OUT IN MOMENTS. SITTING AT APPLEBEE'S IN THOSE SHITTY BOOTHS. HEARING THE KITCHEN, THE STAFF, THE PEOPLE. I SLAMMED MY HANDS AND BROKE THE PLATE. YELLING AT STRANGERS IS MY FAVORITE THING TO DO. I WANT THEM TO REACT SO I CAN REACT. I PROVOKE. I INTENSIFY UNTIL THERE IS NO WHERE TO GO. I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
I
f e l t
t h a t
i n
m y
h a n d s
a n d
l e t
I just need to get to the studio.
then I am gone again.
I only come down when you hold me,
I hate that moment cause it takes all day, all week.
s h i r t
m y s e l f
g o .
You wear those shirts with the top three buttons undone. Maybe we can get out of here. Maybe it wont be like this forever. You let me put my hand on your thigh when I drive. Its one of my favorite things. I DON’T CARE IF IT’S CLICHÉD.
I FUCKIN’
LOVE
THAT
M
O
M
E
N
T.
Every night I close my eyes every problem we ever had is just replaying in my mind. Everything I have done wrong goes back and forth. Someone teach me how to know what’s going on with me. I CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT.
FUCK ! After we have sex, I immediately regret it. But I don’t feel like that during. I like to drink until I can’t anymore.
FUCK IT!
GET THE FUCK OUT. TODAY IT STOPS. WHEN YOU GET BACK, IT’ S OVER. I HEAR YOU COMING UP THE STAIRS NOW. I HEAR YOUR KEYS ON THAT LANYARD AND THE SHOES HITTING THE WALL. I HATE THE WAY YOU KICK OFF YOUR SHOES. HOW DID WE GET TO THIS POINT ? YOU MAKE ME CRINGE. THE ROOM IS JUST SPINNING. I WANT TO RIP THESE FUCKIN' PICTURES DOWN SO BADLY.
I wish I could keep a fuckin' job so I could get her the things she wants. If I shut my eyes, I can almost see us together forever. Almost. Everything wrong is because of me. Everyone leaves me. I understand. I am a lot to handle. Is that my fault? I am so hungry. She’s making popcorn. I hate the way this couch feels. Her friend gave it to us. I hate her friend. I can help her with that necklace. Sure. My hands are steady enough. Oh no. Not the hand on my chest. I am all warm and emotional now. I am not okay but she keeps asking. She wants to know what I did today. Her friend gave it to us. I hate her friend. I can help her with that necklace. Sure. My hands are steady enough. Oh no. Not the hand on my chest. I am all warm and emotional now. I am not okay but she keeps asking. She wants to know what I did today. Her friend gave it to us. I hate her friend. I can help her with that necklace. Sure. My hands are steady enough. Oh no. Not the hand on my chest. I am all warm and emotional now. I am not okay but she keeps asking. She wants to know what I did today.
No chaser. Straight from the bottle. Putting her hands under my shirt. She’s trying to get the real me to come out. I feel the switch. She is a vixen when she wants the truth. How can you let her do t his? WH Y!? O h no. TH E SH IRT. S he sees i t. W hy are you c r ying dude? Get your shi t toget her. O ne moment you are abou t to lay t his woman down on t ha t bed you can’t a f ford and t he next you are star t ing to c r y like a c hild.
PUNK ASS.
MANTHEFUCKUP.
LOOK AT HOW ANGRY HER ASS IS WHEN SHE WALKS AWAY.
IDON’TWANTTOBEHEREANYMORE.
THAT NOISE THE CEILING FAN MAKES, MAKES ME SO SICK .
I ha v e t o ge t m y shi t t o ge t her. Why does this happen? Do you know why? She was so lit tle. I can’t believe she’s gone. crayons everywhere. all I hear is that little voice.
i wish I c ould ha v e sp en t m or e t im e wi t h her.
I don’t know if I should have kids. Should we get married? NO. You are awful at everything. no one will ever find you good enough to marry. PROBABLY RIGHT.
H e he l d him c los e unt il t he s t ars came ou t E ver y gl are s t ung like t he sun A ll t he t e ars t ha t f e ll ma d e t heir mar ks in t he s and H iding a wa y w here i t ’s col d Ke ep wai t ing f or t he moon H e w ill b e here s oon
Whose is it? Tell me! SPIT IT OUT! BULLSHIT DON’T LIE TO ME.
GODDAMNIT!!!!!!! just run away. you can make it to your parents from here. it would only take like 2 days. you were never good at math. i still can’t believe how young she was.
7
it really made me break. i’m in and out everyday.
I CAN’T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT
BREAKING DOWN.
That playground behind our house isn’t helping things either. I just get so sad. What will it take for me to get some help? I feel like losing it all. I might have already lost and didn’t know it. Maybe. I DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO GET HELP. I have too many things going on right now.
HIDING AWAY FROM ALL OF IT. ABOVE ME. I NEED RESCUED. I WANT TIME FOR ME. I DON’T MIND BEING ALONE. IT’S JUST SO MUCH BETTER IF YOU WERE HERE. FADED. I JUST CAN’T STOP ON A DIME. EVERYONE I TELL LOOKS THROUGH ME. I CAN’T BE HELPED. THIS REALLY HURTS. KEEP STUDYING. IT WILL TAKE YOUR MIND OFF ANYTHING. KEEP PAINTING. I WONDER IF THE STUDIO IS OPEN. SOMEONE WILL UNDERSTAND THIS ALL SOMEDAY. THIS REALLY HURTS. KEEP STUDYING. IT WILL TAKE YOUR MIND OFF ANYTHING. KEEP PAINTING. I WONDER IF THE STUDIO IS OPEN. SOMEONE WILL UNDERSTAND THIS ALL SOMEDAY.
LOOK AT HER. THAT SHIRT IN HER HAND.
what would we resolve first?
anger. trust. abandonment. anger. rage. confusion. WHAT’S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF ME? IS THERE A VERSION OF ME THAT IS OKAY?
THAT’S CONTENT? THAT DEEPLY FEELS? SO FUCKIN’ EDGY AND POETIC WHEN YOU DRINK.
Screaming at you for the mess you made. Everything is numb. I just want to throw everything through that wall behind her. Just tell me whose fuckin’ shirt this is? Are you cheating? Leave me please. Don’t stay here. I don’t want to work this out. Maybe she will leave this time. Am I real? Is she here? Why does it always come to this? We will fight and throw our hands around until our eyes lock like they do. You say stop but neither of you do. The switch turns on and we kiss. She will bite your lip. She will put her hands on you.
YOU WILL
R IP HER SHIR T OFF.
You both have set rules for this kind of thing. Only if it’s a shirt that she has more than one of. You know all the things she owns because you counted everything today for fun. To really build that case. That’s how you know that shirt isn’t yours or hers. You will both cry. Her hands will go underneath your shirt again. You will both confess how bad you want each other. Its so predictable at this point. You will keep fighting each other until you both give in. She will arch her back and look back at you like you are someone else. Maybe you are. There she goes putting everything she has down onto you. Over and over again. This will go on all night. You take breaks and start over. Her eyes pierce into you, you wipe those tears. She loves this. She has you just the way she wants and you hate that it has to be like this. You have zero control. This rain will pour. Another again. It's always the same.
GRAB HER FACE,
CLASP YOUR HAND UNDER HER CHIN,
SQUEEZE HER FACE,
PRESS IT TO YOURS.
R IP HER SHIR T OFF. YOU BOTH HAVE SET RULES FOR THIS KIND OF THING. ONLY IF IT’S A SHIRT THAT SHE HAS MORE THAN ONE OF. YOU KNOW ALL THE THINGS SHE OWNS BECAUSE YOU COUNTED EVERYTHING TODAY FOR FUN TO REALLY BUILD THAT CASE. THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW THAT SHIRT ISN’T YOURS OR HERS. YOU WILL BOTH CRY. HER HANDS WILL GO UNDERNEATH YOUR SHIRT AGAIN. YOU WILL BOTH CONFESS HOW BAD YOU WANT EACH OTHER. IT’S SO PREDICTABLE AT THIS POINT. YO U W I L L K E E P F I G H T I N G E A C H O T H E R U N T I L YO U B O T H G I V E I N . S H E W I L L A R C H H E R BAC K A N D LO O K BAC K AT YO U L I K E YO U A R E S OM E O N E E L S E . M AY B E YO U A R E . T H E R E S H E G O E S P U T T I N G E V E RY T H I N G S H E H A S D OW N O N TO YO U. OV E R A N D OV E R AGA I N . T H I S W I L L G O O N A L L N I G H T. YO U TA K E B R E A KS A N D S TA R T OV E R . H E R E Y E S P I E RC E I N TO YO U. W I P E T H OS E T E A RS . S H E LOV E S T H I S . S H E H A S YO U J US T T H E WAY S H E WA N T S A N D YO U H A T E T H A T I T H A S T O B E L I K E T H I S . YO U H AV E Z E R O C O N T R O L . T H I S R A I N W I L L P O U R . A N O T H E R A G A I N . I T ' S A LWAY S T H E S A M E .
She makes you feel like a king, then like a brick you want to throw through a window. The only control you have is what she gives you. She tells you how she wants it, you fulfill every need. You will do this again. The only time you feel anything positive is when your bodies touch. When she pours out of whatever she is wearing and spills onto you. You are convinced this is true. No one can tell you different. They see it but you don’t. How could you? With everything that has happened to you? You are caught in her vines. She’s in yours too. So don’t play that pity party bullshit. You’ve played her too.
I CAN’T BELIEVE THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TO HER. YOU’VE MADE HER FEEL LIKE LESS SO YOU CAN FEEL LIKE MORE. THE AMOUNT OF TIMES SHE HAS WORRIED FOR YOU AND YOU DIDN’T CARE. WHEN SHE SAYS SHE WANTS FOREVER, BUT YOU KNOW YOU DON’T, BUT SMILE AND SAY OKAY INSTEAD. YOUR BODY IS ON FIRE. LAYING THERE IN BED TOGETHER. I JUST WANT SIMPLE. I WANT TO BELIEVE THE THINGS SOMEONE SAYS TO ME. I WANT TO LIVE A MOTOWN SONG.
THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW REALLY SUCKS.
I AM NOT HAPPY HERE. NOT WITH YOU AND NOT WITH ME. I HOPE THE ROOM STOPS SHAKING. I HAVE DREAMS ABOUT HAVING A DAUGHTER.
WHAT WOULD I TELL HER ABOUT LOVE? LUST?
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE? I C A N ’ T B R E AT H E . I C A N ’ T S L E E P. WHAT DID YOU DO TO DESERVE THIS? H E R S K I N L O O K S S O R E D U N D E R N E A T H
T H A T
S H E E T .
IT’S SO FUCKIN’ HOT IN THIS APARTMENT. LOOK AT YOU.
SHE’S SLEEPING.
CLOTHES EVERYWHERE. TAXE ANOTHER SHOWER.
DON’T WAKE HER UP.
LOOK COMES
AT
THE IN
WXY THROUGX
THE
STREET THAT
LIGHT
WINDOW.
I WXNT THIS KIND OF PEACE WHEN WE ARX AWAKE
WHERE DID THAT SH
snea x around in the dxrk and s
WHEN YOX FIXD UNTIL SHE WAKES ANXWERS YO
WAKE! HER! UP!
NO
i can feel i Know what would be exe
Rip those closet doo trashy axx sliding
DO
SLAM THE LEA
X
t a k e
a
w a l k
a n d
d o
HXRT GO?
se e if you x an find it.
D IT, STAY UP ALL NIGXT UP, THEN GET THE OU’RE LOOKING XOR.
NO W . x x
here it xomes again .
it boilixg . why does this feel so good? en better?
ors oxxf! doors .
RIP THEM OFF! DO IT! FUCK THE NOISE.
THE DOOR AND V E . n
’
t
e v e r
c o m e
b a c k
X
The design and contents of this book were carefully crafted and curated by David Janssen, Jr. All artwork and writing in this book is Š David Janssen, Jr. Artwork and writing in this book may not be used, modified, or duplicated without expressed permission of the artist. For more heavy�hitting statements and other colorful work please visit davidjanssenjr.com