LONELY, I HAVE NOBODY, I’M ALL ALONE

Hello beautiful people, I hope you have had a wonderful time growing in your discovery of who you are as a child of the Highest God. I do pray that since our first article you have been able to enjoy the freedom that it is supposed to bring you. If you are reading this going ‘huh’ do look up last year’s copy of Living in Victory Nov/Dec issue article on Living Single. We laid down some truths about who we are and how we should be seeing ourselves as complete individuals who do not lack anything and so should not feel the pressure to get married, just because everyone else is getting married but should instead be glorying in singleness until such a time we are no longer single. Haven’t you ever thought how crazy it is that in a world where divorce rates within the church are almost the same as divorce rates in the world, we are still falling into the pressure and desperation trap to be part of a pair, when for many are not ready and some possibly not even wanting it. We often feel the need to conform to the norm. Remember in the Bible there are those who were called to singleness/celibacy and those who chose not to marry, which meant singleness for their entire lives, Jesus points this out in Matthew 19 verse 12, and he also does say it will be hard for some to accept.

I have found one of the major reasons that causes us to fall into this feeling of desperation for a relationship is, we are lonely. I have gone through a period of intense loneliness, and I was so desperate for attention I got into a relationship to fill that void and it did feel good, having someone to call ‘my person’. I don’t know why but it felt like I could now face the world more bravely, even if the person did not really do anything profound for me. This reminded me of a song from around the early two thousand, called Lonely from Akon, it resonated with so many people the world over peaking at number one on several country billboard charts, because even people who were in relationships resonated with this song’s chorus, myself included. It speaks into the deeper truth of where our feelings of loneliness stem from and what we need to do to be able to ‘not be so lonely’. I say this because loneliness is unfortunately not a preserve of the single but also affects the married. The need for having constant companionship is an indication that our lonely feelings could never be filled by any human being. Here is why, on searching about being alone and lonely you realize there are two different things according to research and the key difference between them is emotional attachment, being alone is a state of being, while loneliness is a feeling. This explains why we have many people who are lonely and yet surrounded by people, and in the world people will, sadly, try to fill that void with many destructive things, and for us Christian singles we will usually think getting married is the answer.

Let’s however consider the life of Jesus, our ultimate example, he was never married and lived alone until he was crucified for our sins. I have always wondered if he did not get lonely as the Bible does talk of the disciples and particularly some of the twelve having wives and family, Luke 4:38-40. So in between times they may have gone home to be with their families, meaning he was left alone, was he not lonely? The only time however we can talk about him expressing feelings of loneliness was when the Father turned away from him as he bore our sins on the cross then he cried out, ‘My God My God why have you forsaken me?’ Mathew 27 verse 46. This verse is also found in the Psalms 22 verse 2 where David being on the run from Saul lamented and cried out to God about being constantly hunted by Saul. Jesus like David at that moment felt not only alone but totally abandoned, no one can ever possibly know the depth of the distress this caused. David’s dilemma showed us the things that would in a way happen to Jesus, for as with Jesus’s innocent suffering, David was innocent of all that Saul wanted to kill him for. David’s emotional feeling of, ‘what wrong have I done why am I going through this’, caused distress, it was a feeling of separation from God’s grace, many of the Psalms speak on this issue. Do you see that it was not so much being alone that caused the distress, as David had a whole band of men with him, instead it was the feeling of separation from God. Yet we regularly believe ourselves to be so lonely because we lack a human partner, and we will almost do anything to not be alone. This is when we find ourselves in situations where we rush into relationships to avoid what we think is loneliness, but we still feel lonely even in a relationship.

A theologian is quoted as saying, there are two sides of man’s being alone, there is “loneliness” which expresses the pain of being alone, and there is “solitude” which expresses the glory of being alone.” Jesus experienced the extremes of being lonely, God’s abandonment, which is when no one can help you with what you are going through. Yet he is also one person who throughout His ministry sought solitude many a time leaving the disciples to be alone to commune with God, Matthew 14 verse 23, Mark 1 verse 35. This is where we are missing it, our loneliness does not stem from needing human interaction but is our hearts cry for a deeper connection with be under the same amount of pressure to find the proverbial better half. You will be at peace as you wait on the Lord. You will find that you will be able to enjoy life more with both married and unmarried friends without feelings like you are lacking or missing out. I confess that being human though it is a struggle to get there as we have wired ourselves to want more of the worldly things than seeking after God, yet when we learn to seek Him more, He will fill the void in our lives, and we will find total satisfaction in Him. A spouse will simply be a wonderful ‘add on’, when he or she comes, rather than a completion of you.

I was so lonely after my husband passed and spent many nights crying to God about how lonely I was. I was not seeking Him though, I simply wanted Him to provide me with someone and believed this would relieve my loneliness, how wrong I was, I was still lonely deep down and even crying for my husband whilst in this other relationship. I took up a challenge, that encouraged me on Matthew 6 verse 33. I know this verse seems to be dealing with the physical needs spoken of in previous verses, but it is way deeper than that when you get to the core of it. God is never just surface level, God is always deep and as I spent this time seeking his Kingdom, He has not just provided the physical needs he has provided spiritual fulfillment, that has left me satisfied just being me, alone, a one that is by itself. I have now realized more often than not my feelings of loneliness will manifest when images of happy couples are part of my immediate surrounding, then I also want to have someone, or when I get questioned about a partner, or at times when I feel I need male perspective on certain things and it’s not readily available, then I feel a bit of a gap in there and feel like, oh poor me I have nobody, I’m alone. This external pressure should not make me feel lonely, and even if it does, I now know where to take it and I have a great community of Godly men who will hear me out when I need a male perspective with no strings attached and that is wonderful. Above all however I have a growing and deeper relationship with God as I am continuing to seek him and his will for my life more than anything else, knowing that whether there will be another man who becomes part of my life or not, I will be okay in the arms of my loving God. Seek Him first and He will add all the necessary things to you including a husband or a wife. He really does know what you need, even before you ask, so trust God, to fill that void and you will not endure loneliness.

God which we try to fill by connecting with other people and we wonder why we are still not satisfied. We are created for relationship with God, and I am sure you have heard this saying before, that each one of us has a God shaped void/hole in our hearts, which means it can only be filled by God. When that void is filled, one thing I know and can testify to is you will not

Until we meet again in the next issue, stay content, and stay growing. xoxo Rutendo.

By Shamiso Patience Mbiriri