Hanover Review Inc. P.O. Box 343 Hanover NH, 03755
Volu m e 3 6 , Is su e 7
Mond ay, S e ptemb er 1 9 , 2 0 1 6
THE FRESHMEN ISSUE
CHARLETON HESTON, MITCH MCCONNELL, AND A GUY ON A RAFT read The Review. Do you?
Songs of Old Dartmouth Sandor Farkas Editor-in-Chief
The Dartmouth Review is proud to keep the music of Dartmouth alive, despite many attempts by the College administration to purge it from the public memory. Many of Dartmouth’s old songs contain references to the College’s mascot, the Dartmouth Indian, and have been deemed “culturally appropriative,” and therefore unacceptable for the modern student to sing. Others reference the days gone by when Dartmouth was an all-male institution. The College prefers that we pretend this was never the case. As a public service to our ‘shmen, The Review has reprinted a few old favorites, including “Men of Dartmouth,” now known as the “Alma Mater.” In 1988, the College changed the original to reflect coeducation. The second verse, which had been sung in wartime and at memorials, is rarely heard at present. Richard Hovey, autthor of the lyrics to “Men of Dartmouth,”
was also the man behind many other Dartmouth favorites. The famous “Hovey Murals,” painted by Walter Beach Humphrey and now hidden beneath FoCo, depict scenes from his work. Men of Dartmouth by Richard Hovey ’85 & Harry Wellman ‘07 Men of Dartmouth, give a rouse For the College on the hill For the Lone Pine above her And the loyal sons who love her Give a rouse, give a rouse, with a will For the sons of old Dartmouth The sturdy sons of Dartmouth Tho’ ‘round the girdled earth they roam Her spell on them remains They have the still North in their hearts The hill winds in their veins And the granite of New Hampshire In their muscles and their brains And the granite of New Hampshire In their muscles and their brains They were mighty men of old That she nurtured at her side Till like Vikings they went forth From the lone and silent North
And they strove and wrought and they died But the sons of old Dartmouth The laurelled sons of Dartmouth The Mother keeps them in her heart And guides their altar flame The still North remembers them The hill winds know their name And the granite of New Hampshire Keeps the record of their fame And the granite of New Hampshire Keeps the record of their fame Men of Dartmouth, set a watch Lest the old traditions fail Stand as brother stands by brother Dare a deed for the old Mother Greet the world, from the hills, with a hail For the sons of Old Dartmouth The loyal sons of Dartmouth Around the world they keep for her Their old chivalric faith They have the still North in their souls The hill winds in their breath And the granite of New Hampshire Is made part of them till death And the granite of New Hampshire Is made part of them till death
> FEATURES PAGE 8
A Review of the Radical Santiago E. Cisneros Staff Writer
Another year at Dartmouth, another Disorientation Guide. Our esteemed colleagues at The Dartmouth Radical (which has not published a print issue in approximately two years) and The Action Collective have come out with a new rendition of their beloved classic, this time in a campus-wide email. The Review thought that this would be an opportune time to review their pamphlet, especially from the perspective of a queer person of color. The Disorientation Guide contains some useful nuggets of insight, such as Safety & Security’s number. However, true to its name, most of the publication is spent on disorienting fresh-
men with factually untrue, nonsensical, or patently absurd writing. For example, take “A Year of Mourning” by Gabrielle Bozarth. On faculty diversity, it states that: My undergraduate teaching has suffered under the instruction of a homogenous group of white people. There is only so much you can learn from someone with the same life experiences of whiteness, wealth, ability, and heteronormativity—regardless of the subject. A subject is not unbiased when those teaching the subject are always white—it does not make the research objective, more removed, or refined in academia, but
> FEATURES PAGE 11
THE CASE FOR CONSERVATIVE DISSENT ON CAMPUS
BEST AND WORST PROFESSORS
EDUCATION AT DARTMOUTH
Why conservative students feel the need to speak out on America’s college campuses.
Your guide to Dartmouth’s best and worst scholars choose your classes wisely!
Review founder Jeff Hart helps you make the best of your Dartmouth career.
> EDITORIAL PAGE 3
> FEATURES PAGE 7
> FEATURES PAGE 10
2 Monday – September 19, 2016
The Dartmouth Review
TABLE OF CONTENTS
FRESHMEN WRITE
WORK
For thirty-five years, The Dartmouth Review has been the College’s only independent newspaper and the only student opinion journal that matters. It is the oldest and most renowned campus commentary publication in the nation and spawned a national movement at the likes of Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and countless others. Our staff members and alumni have won many awards, including the Pulitzer Prize, and have been published in the Boston Globe, New York Times, National Review, American Spectator, Wall Street Journal, Weekly Standard, Village Voice, New Criterion, and many others. The Review aims to provide a voice for any student who enjoys challenging brittle and orthodox thinking. We stand for free speech, student rights, and the liberating arts. Whatever your political leanings, we invite you to come steep yourself in campus culture and politics, Dartmouth lore, keen witticisms, and the fun that comes with writing for an audience of thousands. We’re looking for writers, photographers, cartoonists, aspiring business managers, graphic designers, web maestros, and anyone else who wants to learn from Dartmouth’s unofficial school of journalism.
PONTIFICATE
CONSERVATIVE
SAFE space
“Because every student deserves a safe space”
– Inge-Lise Ameer, Vice Provost for Student Affairs
Meetings held Mondays at 6:30 PM at our offices at 32 S. Main Street (next to Lou’s in the lower level office space)
INSIDE THE ISSUE Songs of Old Dartmouth
Finding an Education at Dartmouth
The Review offers a few historic songs for your singing pleasure ............................. PAGE 1
Some words of wisdom from Review founder Jeff Hart....................................................... PAGE 10
A QPOC Reviews the Disorientation Guide
The Review Answers Common Questions
A unique perspective on the unapologetically liberal publication ............................. PAGE 1
Questions about life on Dartmouth’s campus? Look no further ............................. PAGE 11
Traditions Not Taught at Orientation
Fact & Fiction: The Truth About the Review
Samuel Lawhon looks back at some historical traditions unknown to most students ............ PAGE 6
Much of the liberal buzz surrounding the Review is, indeed, meritless ................. PAGE 12
The Best of Dartmouth’s Professors
A History of (Re)Activism
The Worst of Dartmouth’s Professors
The Dartmouth Glossary
The Review offers its insights on the best scholars the College has to offer ........................... PAGE 7-8
Alas, not all professors at the College live up to our undergraduate teaching prestige .............. PAGE 9
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Joseph Torsella looks back at some of the “protests” of recent years........................ PAGE 13
Heard an unfamiliar term used around Hanover? We might be able to help ........ PAGE 13
CHURCHILL READS THE REVIEW. DO YOU?
The Dartmouth Review
Monday – September 19, 2016
3
MASTHEAD & EDITORIAL EST. 1980
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win great triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to takerank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.” —Theodore Roosevelt
EDITORIAL BOARD
EDITORIAL
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
The Case for Conservative Dissent On Campus
SANDOR FARKAS
EXECUTIVE EDITORS BRIAN CHEN JACK F. MOUROUZIS
MANAGING EDITORS SAMUEL W. LAWHON JOSHUA L. KAUDERER MARCUS J. THOMPSON
BUSINESS STAFF PRESIDENT
MATTHEW R.ZUBROW
VICE PRESIDENT ROBERT Y. SAYEGH
ADVISORY FOUNDERS
GREG FOSSEDAL, GORDON HAFF, BENJAMIN HART, KEENEY JONES
LEGAL COUNSEL
MEAN-SPIRITED, CRUEL, AND UGLY
BOARD OF TRUSTEES
MARTIN ANDERSON, PATRICK BUCHANAN, THEODORE COOPER-STEIN, DINESH D’SOUZA, MICHAEL ELLIS, ROBERT FLANIGAN, JOHN FUND, KEVIN ROBBINS, GORDON HAFF, JEFFREY HART, LAURA INGRAHAM, MILDRED FAY JEFFERSON, WILLIAM LIND, STEVEN MENASHI, JAMES PANERO, HUGO RESTALL, ROLAND REYNOLDS, WILLIAM RUSHER, WESTON SAGER, EMILY ESFAHANISMITH, R. EMMETT TYRRELL, SIDNEY ZION
NOTES Special thanks to William F. Buckley, Jr. “...it’s like Bible fan-fiction.” The Editors of The Dartmouth Review welcome correspondence from readers concerning any subject, but prefer to publish letters that comment directly on material published previously in The Review. We reserve the right to edit all letters for clarity and length. Please submit letters to the editor by mail or email: editor@dartreview.com Or by mail at:
The Dartmouth Review P.O. Box 343 Hanover, NH 03755 (603) 643-4370
Please direct all complaints to: editor@thedartmouth.com
Contrary to popular belief, being even violence, everyone’s intellectual a conservative on a college campus freedom is at stake. does not mean hating every conceivMany students also believe that all able minority group. Conservative conservative students are alike. They students do not hate women, they do ignore both the demographical and not believe the student body should ideological diversity of the conservainclude fewer minority students, and tive population at Dartmouth. The Rethey do not threaten any individuview has had Editors-in-Chief that al or group’s safety. The essence belong to almost every group of being a campus conservaconsidered “oppressed” tive has nothing to do with over its thirty-six-year hishate or bigotry and surtory. For every plank in the prisingly little to do Republic and libertarian with specific national platforms, you can find at issues. Campus conleast one conservative Dartservatism, in its most mouth student who disagrees basic form, is an atwith it. tempt to pursue moral So, if being a consertruth through a study vative on campus is of tradition and a realnot about hate or being ist examination of our a straight white male Sandor Farkas times. who believes in every As a vocal conservative at Dart- last Republican tenant, then what is mouth, I have been the subject of a it about? It means believing so firmly wide range of criticism from my fel- and so truly in the perfection of man low students. An editorial in The Dai- that you refuse to accept anything that ly Dartmouth called me entitled, dis- falls short of excellence in his endeavrespectful, and ignorant in regard to ors. This entails a willingness to critiminority issues after I wrote an article cize man, his beliefs, and his actions. that consisted mainly of quotations Tradition, the voice of the cumulative from radical students. My mere pres- wisdom of mankind, should be at the ence at progressive events on campus center of this conversation. A study, often elicits everything from mumbled grounded in reality and divorced from insults to shouted condemnations, outlandish ideologies, of human affairs and many of my fellow conservative is the logical next step. The concept of students experience the same thing. human dignity, supported by religion Being conservative at Dartmouth is and Ayn Rand alike (albeit in differeven more difficult for women, who ent forms), should be the foundation face intense social pressure to conform of any theory or action. As students, to progressive standards of morality. this belief drives us to seek not only Many conservative women choose to personal achievement, but the ameliokeep their opinions a secret lest they be ration of the human condition. denied entrance into sororities or steConservatives students are vocal reotyped by men. While Dartmouth, as about their beliefs not because they an educational institution, should be hate others, but because they want to a place where intellectual diversity is help others realize their own potential. encouraged, there are professors who We hold the free exchange of ideas to actively discourage and even penalize be fundamental to the operation of a students who disagree with them. just society because we respect each This negative attention is all because and every person. We reject identity conservatives dare to be critical of the politics because we recognize that man way that some of their fellow students is greater than the sum of his indicomport themselves and because they vidual identities. Human dignity and attempt to engage in real dialogue re- freedom are inseparable. Conservative garding their opinions and beliefs. students attack the administration beWhen students state that they believe cause they believe its bloated bureauabortion is wrong, they are told that cracy and constant overreaches into they are threatening women’s bodies. student life limit students’ potential to When they criticize affirmative action, learn and grow as humans. You could they are called white supremacists. If even say that to be a conservative on they dare to support Israel, then they an American college campus is to rebare called dirty Jews Zionists. In a el against the suffocating acceptance world where disagreement is consid- of mediocrity that is the prevailing ered an act of hatred, oppression, and mindset.
4 Monday – September 19, 2016
The Dartmouth Review
WEEK IN REVIEW UGA REFUSES TO RECOGNIZE U.S. CONSTITUTION AS COMMUNITY GUIDELINE “How about ‘freedom of respectful speech and expression’?” asked my undergraduate dorm advisor. That was his way of amending the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. Orientation had just ended; the residents of two freshman floors were gathered to draft a “Community Living Agreement” that would outline a general code of conduct for the year to come. Students began by proposing guidelines including “respect each other” and discussing topics such as “how to handle a ‘triggering’ situation.” I raised my hand and proposed that we include the guideline “respect for constitutional rights, specifically the First Amendment.” Throughout high school, I had heard about college as a place where conservative views are not fully accepted, and I wanted to make sure that our dormitory section would be open to ideas across the whole political spectrum. Yet when I proposed the idea, I was met with a perplexed look followed by a prolonged silence from my undergraduate advisor (UGA). He was still wrapping his mind around the apparently controversial idea when a girl mentioned the “clear and present danger” standard, which was adopted by the Supreme Court to limit freedom of speech when it poses a legitimate danger, such as when speech incites violence. Our UGA then happily shifted the conversation away from my request. After a few more comments, I decided to make one last effort to return to my original request. I made the case that we can be aware of people’s feelings while still recognizing our basic rights as Americans as outlined in the First Amendment to the Constitution. I once again met with disappointment. He shot me the same look he did before and, after another brief silence, asked for clarification. My response was simply that we should guarantee “freedom of speech and expression.” At that point, when he realized I would not back down from my request, he suggested a modified version which everyone could agree with. He proposed “freedom of respectful speech and expression” and then proceeded to write a community guideline that defended “open dialogue, as long as it is respectful to ALL members of the floor and the community as a whole.” He then proceeded to clar-
ify that statement, adding that anything included in his definition of “open” discussion would have to first pass the “clear and present danger” test, or at least his version of that test. From that point on, I knew exactly what life in my dormitory would be like for the rest of the year. If anything I say is deemed dangerous, whether mentally, emotionally, or otherwise, I would be held in violation of our official community living agreement.
HANLON FORCES THE HOUSE SYSTEM DOWN STUDENTS’ THROATS Over the course of crafting the Moving Dartmouth Forward initiative, it became apparent to the school that students have suffered from a lack of community since varying D-plans constantly shuffle people in and out of different buildings. Consequently, students are not in close enough proximity with a single group in order to form lasting friendships. The six new communities are designed to ameliorate this by locating members in the same region on campus. Therefore, students can be surrounded by familiar faces when they have to change rooms after off terms and study abroad experiences. While the communities are well intentioned and may prove to have positive results, it is crucial that they be accepted by the student body and be codified into Dartmouth tradition if they are to have successes similar to those at Harvard or Yale. As a result, we are witnessing the administration’s relentless push to inject the housing communities into Dartmouth life. This effort began with free house swag provided in the winter to upperclassmen and to the 20s during orientation. The College spent millions constructing residences for house professors and shared house community structures. Fallapalooza is now a housing community kickoff event. Campus dormitories are decorated with house colors. Clearly, the administration is heavily invested in the success of its new program and is spending the money to prove it. What it cannot buy, however, is student involvement and enthusiasm in its project. That must arise organically. In order for that to happen, students will need to make the housing communities their own and envelop the program into Dartmouth tradition. It remains to be seen how students will react to their housing communities. However, students
have generally been skeptical of the expensive effort thus far. The only thing we know for certain regarding the communities is that some adventurous student will climb to the roof of the recently constructed School and Allen House building via the convenient wood siding. It is simply too tempting.
BAKER TOWER CONSTRUCTION TO CONTINUE The ongoing restoration of the iconic Baker Library Tower has shocked new and returning students alike as they arrived for fall term. The tower was certainly due for some work. According to the Dartmouth Office of Planning, Design & Construction (OPDC), Baker Library Tower has stood, unrenovated, since its construction in 1928. Structural concerns prompted the project, but the renovation is also being used as an opportunity to update the building with energy efficient lighting and USB charging ports in the popular Tower Room. Broadly speaking, the renovation aims to “retain the Tower’s architectural significance while updating components and preserving its original structure to ensure continued prominence on the Dartmouth campus,” says the OPDC. The good news is that the project is nearing completion. Program manager Patrick O’Hern reported that the project was “on time” and “on budget”—a remarkable feat considering the College’s general administrative and operational incompetence—and should be done by Homecoming Weekend. A preconstruction timeline on the OPDC website suggested that the Tower Room could open even earlier. There has been quite a bit of talk, especially among the 20s, about “Faker,” the huge pictographic screen known as a “scrim” that currently encases the building. While the image might make the construction less glaring on a clear day or look objectively ridiculous at night or in the rain, the scrim has a higher purpose, says O’Hern. The cover, he explained, keeps dirt, dust and debris within the job site and helps protect construction workers from the wind. Carl Jay, preservation director for the company running the project, Shawmut Design and Construction, added that the scrim reminds both workers and the greater community that Baker Tower “is a building we really care about enough to maintain carefully, with respect to its historic value.
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The Dartmouth Review
Monday – September 19, 2016
Webb Harrington
LAURA INGRAHAM ‘85 SPEAKS AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION Laura Ingraham ’85, former editor-in-chief of The Dartmouth Review and an influential conservative political commentator and national radio talk show host, gave a primetime speech during the Republican National Convention this past summer in Cleveland. Greeted by enthusiastic chants of “Laura, Laura, Laura,” Ingraham said that her mother, who waited tables until she was 73 years old, and her father, a World War II veteran who owned and operated a car wash, instilled in her the values of hard work and patriotism. Ingraham, a former speechwriter for President Ronald Reagan, declared this election the most important since 1980. She lamented the decline of traditional values as well problems facing Americans such as “stagnating wages, skyrocketing healthcare costs, the doubling of the debt, the threat of ISIS, and the rise of China.” She also called for unity within the GOP. “I want to say this very plainly. We should all—even all you boys with your wounded feelings and bruised egos… and we love you, we love you—but you must honor your pledge to support Donald Trump now,” Ingraham said as the crowd rose to its feet in thunderous applause. This statement seemed to be directed at members of the Never Trump movement as well as Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who refused to endorse Donald Trump at the Republican National Convention despite signing a pledge early in the race to support the eventual GOP nominee. Ingraham concluded with a call to action that echoed the populist theme of Donald Trump’s campaign. “Let’s send the consultants, the pollsters, and the lobbyists packing. Let’s give the power back to the people,” she said. Ingraham’s speech was one of the most popular of the night.
Peter W. Schroen Jack S. Hutensky
year: black, white, first generation, international, financial need, et cetera. Most of these statistics from last year are on the Dartmouth website. He then led a theatrical performance of short portions of the essays that incoming students used in their application to this school, with the goal of showcasing the diversity of the student body and how different all of the students are from each other. Curiously enough, even as the performance proceeded, one very important word was never mentioned. In all the short blurbs by which we were recognized, not once was the word “God” included in a quote. According to the statistics published by Sunde himself and the rest of the Admissions Department, a whopping 13% of the incoming class to Dartmouth, which amounts to nearly 150 students, came from religious schools. Surely not all of these students are very religious themselves, but just the same, some surely are. Similarly, it is obvious that many of the students who did not go to religious schools are themselves quite religious. 40% of Americans ages 18-29 say that religion is very important in their lives according to Pew Research. Regardless of the significant number of students at Dartmouth for whom religion has played an incredibly important role in shaping their lives and who they are, Dartmouth seems not to care. In fact, only once was the religion of a person mentioned as a possible “source of diversity.” During the shared academic experience, Professor Sienna Craig reminisced about her first college roommate, a deeply religious girl from the South. This received a lot of
Erik R. Jones Rushil Shukla
boisterous laughter. Professor Craig suggested that she could have learned a lot from her roommate, and admonished her younger self for ignoring such a valuable opportunity to learn from true diversity and difference. This received little if any applause. It seems that to Dartmouth, diversity is measured only by counting all that are not heterosexual white men, and disregarding people who really are.
CARTOON
DIVERSITY AND RELIGION AT ORIENTATION In many ways, much of orientation this year was a celebration of Dartmouth’s “diversity,” as Dartmouth attempted to signal to students and other schools alike that Dartmouth is part of the “tolerant elite.” In reality, however, orientation only made more obvious the narrowness of Dartmouth’s view on diversity. The ball got rolling with the very first all-class meeting on September 6 th. It started well; President Hanlon got up on stage and talked about the essential qualities a Dartmouth student must have to get the most of their tuition dollars. After all, even if Animal House might suggest otherwise, academics remain of the utmost importance. Seeking out people of different opinions than yourself with the intention of further self-education was singled out as an admirable trait that President Hanlon encouraged the entire Class of 2020 to take on as part of themselves. However, as soon as Hanlon left the microphone, virtue-signaling, buzzword-dropping, and diversity-touting quietly became the main focus of orientation. Paul Sunde, the Director of Admissions at Dartmouth, also spoke. He began by making sure that everyone in the audience understood that a person is not a label. He declared forcefully that no person can be understood by a single word or catch-phrase, that we are something more. He proceeded to list many of the one-word boxes that the student body had managed to check off while applying to Dartmouth this
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“The Baker Tower renovation reinforces unhealthy standards of phallic symbol beauty.”
CARTOON
“Am I the only one left wondering just what was wrong with the old Hood Museum anyway?”
6 Monday – September 19, 2016
The Dartmouth Review
FEATURES
Traditions Not Taught at Orientation Samuel W. Lawhon News Editor
Editor’s Note: The following are obscure aspects of Dartmouth history and tradition that have an observable impact on the College in the present day. It is in no way a comprehensive list. Rather, the select few following episodes are designed to entice students to learn more about their institution’s extensive history. The Lone Pine The Lone Pine is an enduring symbol of the College. The first report concerning the old tree was an improbable legend. In 1833, undergraduate Jacob Gale recounted a story about three Native Americans singing a farewell song around an ancient pine. However, later investigations showed that three Indians never graduated at the same time in the early history of the College. Jas. F. Joy, (18)’33, later reminisced that there were stories circulating in his day about a graduating class singing ‘Auld Lang Syne’ around the tree before leaving the College. These occurrences likely evolved into the legend. Ten years later, the Pine was
in the early eighteenth century, though, the tree was old. Records indicate it likely dated back to 1783 in origin. In 1887, the Old Pine was struck by lightning, and in 1892, its main branch was broken in the wind. Finally, in 1895, the tree was cut down. Its stump remains there to this day. In 1967, the tradition was revived in a different form. The Class of 1927 planted the Dartmouth Pine near the entrance to the BEMA. They transferred stewardship to the Class of 1967, who later passed care of the tree to the Class of 2007. Dartmouth Canes Canes have a long history at Dartmouth. In the eighteenth century, canes were a status symbol among students. Only sophomores and upperclassmen were allowed to carry them. But freshmen would frequently try to assert themselves by flaunting their canes. In response, older students would wrestle them and seize their canes in a tradition that came to be known as cane-rush. Cane-rush reached its greatest proportions in 1883. That year, freshmen took off their
“Some of us would occasionally, when out for recreation, sing a hymn which tradition told us the three Indians composed and sang.” widely known and respected. An alumnus of the class of 1840 said “Some of us would occasionally, when out for recreation, sing a hymn which tradition told us the three Indians composed and sang.” A member of the class of 1845 wrote “We, like other classes, had many meetings around the ‘Old Pine’ for gossiping, story-telling and music and some other exercises. One of these ‘other exercises’ was a tarring and feathering of a man charged with crime.” After General Winfield Scott’s nomination, the class of 1852 celebrated with a cannon salute. They were stopped by Professor Hubbard, who complained that his house had been struck by a stone the students fired. A few years later, the tradition developed that graduating classes would celebrate under the tree. From 1854 to 1895, with few exceptions, students would celebrate by singing, giving speeches, smoking a peace pipe, and laying mementos around the Old Pine. Even Mr. Lawhon is a sophomore at the College and News Editor for The Dartmouth Review.
shirts and covered themselves in olive oil for a pitched battle with the sophomores. The freshmen stationed themselves on the Green in a protective formation around their prize: a hickory cane. The sophomores rushed from their base in Reed Hall, which began a two-hour battle. A student at the time wrote that freshmen who had been knocked unconscious were dragged from the fray by juniors and revived with buckets of cold water. Undeterred, many ran back in. The class of 1887 eventually lost when the sophomores dragged the prized cane back to Reed Hall. Over time, the brutal tradition fell out of favor and cane-rush died out. As one cane-related tradition died out, however, another began. When the class of 1887 graduated, they bought or made canes to commemorate the occasion and encouraged their friends to carve their names into them. In 1899, Charles Dudley crafted the first Indian head cane, which became the predominant senior cane until 1974, when the Indian head symbol was banned.
Secret society canes are the last vestige of Dartmouth’s long history of cane-related traditions. Every year, approximately twenty percent of graduating seniors carry canes to represent the secret societies with which they are affiliated. The Ledyard Bridge John Ledyard came to Dartmouth in 1772. Ledyard loved theater and was a good student, but he was restless; he found the pace of college life too slow. Seeking adventure, Ledyard cut down a tall tree on the banks of the Connecticut River and made it into a log canoe. With his newly made vessel, Ledyard set out to explore the world with only four items: a huge bearskin, a poem by Ovid, the New Testament in Greek, and some bread. One hundred and fifty miles downstream in Hartford, Ledyard called on a relative, who was surprised to find his nephew not quietly studying to become a missionary. He studied theology in Hartford for a time, before his boredom overcame him again. He became a common sailor on many different voyages; he travelled to Gibraltar and London. After a few years, Ledyard entered the British naval service and sailed under Captain James Cook. However, he always remained loyal to his native land and refused to fight against the U.S., and after many years, Ledyard returned home. John Ledyard was never any good at staying in one place, and just a few months later he was plotting his next adventure: a trading journey to the northern Pacific. The venture failed to attract sufficient funding. But he succeeded
in attracting the attention of Robert Morris, a prominent Philadelphia merchant, who gave Ledyard money and letters of introduction. Eventually, the explorer ended up in Paris, where he met Thomas Jefferson, then ambassador to France. For his next feat, John Ledyard decided to journey around the world on foot. He arrived in St. Petersburg just seven weeks later. His journey was cut short while traveling across Siberia, on suspicion that Ledyard was an American spy. When he returned to London, Ledyard found employment on a journey to explore Africa, but died of an illness in Cairo soon after, in 1788. The Ledyard Bridge was first built in 1859, near where the explorer cut down the tree to start his first adventure. One Dartmouth tradition related
would remove to let their cattle graze on the field. The students resented the practice, however, because the cattle made their field a far worse playing area. The College informed the townspeople the practice must stop. The next time cattle were caught grazing in the field, infuriated students drove them into the basement of Dartmouth Hall and sealed the entrance with stones and dirt. The townspeople formed a mob and advanced on the College to demand their cattle returned. The ensuing standoff was perhaps most damaging to the cows, who were trapped in confined quarters on a hot September day; one report describes them as “wet with perspiration and crowding as if they had been in a mill-pond.” Eventually, the students let the cattle go. In order to deter future
“The freshmen stationed themselves on the Green in a protective formation around their prize: a hickory cane. The sophomores rushed from their base in Reed Hall, which began a two-hour battle.” to the bridge is the so-called Ledyard Challenge, where students attempt to swim across the Connecticut River naked and streak across the bridge as they return to their clothing. In some ways, the tradition is an appropriate one for John Ledyard, who consistently flouted convention through bold adventures. The Senior Fence In the early nineteenth century, the Green was primarily used as a football field for students. In those days it was enclosed by a set of flimsy railings, which the townspeople
grazing episodes, the campus set up a sturdier fence, which bordered the Green until it was torn down in 1893. In response, the class of 1897 sponsored a Senior Fence, which runs to this day along parts of the southern and western borders. Only Seniors were allowed to sit on the fence; when younger students tested this policy, they were soaked with water from a nearby trough. These privileges began to erode during World War II, and by 1960, they had disappeared entirely. Today, all students are free to sit on the fence, without fear of water-based reprisal.
VLADIMIR PUTIN READS THE REVIEW. SO SHOULD YOU.
The Dartmouth Review
Monday – September 19, 2016
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FEATURES
Best and Worst Professors The Dartmouth Review Editorial Board
G.K. Chesterton once said, “He is a very shallow critic who cannot see an eternal rebel in the heart of a conservative.” Perhaps that is why The Review persists in our tradition of listing Dartmouth’s best and worst professors despite the objects of numerous faculty members. We prefer to believe that this feature exists because we, as students who invest heavily in a Dartmouth education, hold our faculty to an elevated standard. We designate faculty members as “Best professors” not because they are easy, but because they are hard. We look for those who have a sincere desire to inculcate in their students a thirst for knowledge and the means to pursue it. While original and important research influences our selection, we place the most importance on teaching. Our “Worst Professors” are far more difficult to choose. We strive to take every ameliorating factor into consideration before we apply this label to a member of the faculty. Our worst professors generally fail to inspire their students, do not tolerate dissenting opinions, teach “layups,” or conduct research of a caliber not fitting for a Dartmouth professor. Our best professors are more than professors: they are legends. Meir Kohn—Economics
Something of a legend in the Dartmouth Econ Department (a commonly traded tale—of questionable veracity—notes that an “A” in Kohn’s class translates into an instant job offer on Wall Street), Kohn is the maestro of Economics 26, a.k.a. “Money for Dummies.” He is one of the most feared professors at Dartmouth, and his classes, conducted in an intense Socratic question-and-answer format, force students to analyze economic questions at a level above simply parroting back textbook information. Ask him sometime about his experiences on an Israeli kibbutz. Paul Christesen—Classics
And his lectures provide compelling evidence for the importance of classics; he has a firm grasp on the value of understanding Western civilization’s development. Christesen is a wise choice for beginning or continuing any liberal arts education. Listening to his lectures, one gets the impression that Christesen has tailored his lessons for challenging and interesting the specifically undergraduate mind. (We mean that in a good way.) David Lagomarsino—History
Russell ment
Don Lagomarsino has been on The Review’s list of best professors either since he began teaching at Dartmouth or since The Review was founded in 1980. No one can remember which came first. His specialties include the history of Spain’s Golden Age, a flagrant disregard for political correctness, and a notorious wit. Only by a miraculous shift in the winds has he avoided President Hanlon’s Inquisition. It may not be possible to graduate without having taken a course with Lagomarsino. Barbara Will—English
Muirhead—Govern-
Professor Muirhead, a former Rhodes Scholar, is one of those rare teachers of political philosophy who can argue with equal passion for the merits of Locke, Rousseau, Mill, and Marx. He is fair-minded and highly skilled at structuring the West’s big ideas in ways that are relatable to anybody. Each of his lectures will leave you with a whole new take on broad, fundamental concepts. It’s not for nothing that, as a young up-and-comer at Harvard, Muirhead won a prize for the best teaching on campus. No matter what your major or interests are, you won’t go wrong with his classes. Pamela Crossley—History
nese terms and drily humorous asides, makes the whole thing worth it. Erich Osterberg—Earth Sciences
Professor Osterberg is a relative newcomer to Dartmouth, but many already consider him to be one of its best professors. A fantastic lecturer with an impressive ability to link the sociopolitical with the scientific, he teaches the ever-popular EARS 2 each winter. If you need a SCI distribution credit, Professor Osterberg is not to be missed. Richard Wright—Geography
A leader in one of Dartmouth’s fastest growing departments, Wright is known for his ability to facilitate challenging discussion and offer dazzling lectures. A British native, he is an expert on immigration, migration and mixed-racial geographies. Rumor has it that Wright brings gelato to one of his lectures in his Economic Geography course to structure a class discussion. Melanie Benson-Taylor—Native American Studies
Professor Will provides a savvy, critical analysis of postmodern literature without getting bogged down in the jargon of literary theory. Her teaching style is refreshingly straightforward, and she has the rare talent of making dull-seeming topics interesting. Marlene Heck—Art History
One of the most popular in the department and a Dartmouth alumnus to boot, Professor Christesen is also the most popular advisor to Classics majors.
History Department stand out for their ability to contextualize art, architecture, history and culture in their time, weaving each together to give a complete picture. Her class on American architecture (Building America) is a must-take, as is her Writing 5 course on the Founding Fathers. Professor Heck’s passions for America’s origins, Thomas Jefferson, and colonial architecture are infectious. Professor Heck and her art history classes will change the way you look at the world.
Professor Heck is one of Dartmouth’s most beloved professors. Her classes in the Art
The department’s resident expert on China, the incredibly knowledgeable Professor Crossley is also an authority on methods in global history, a fluent speaker of East Asian languages (including Manchu!), and a developer of educational software. She is famously strict with her classes—students must reserve comments and questions for the end of the period rather than interrupting lectures; she guards her coveted “A” grades closely; and relentlessly quizzes students on their knowledge of the reading during discussions – but those willing to work hard find that watching Professor Crossley lecture without notes, all-the-while with flawless Chi-
Professor Benson-Taylor is one of the most talented professors Dartmouth has to offer. She is open to any idea or interpretation of the books discussed in her classes and works tirelessly with students to help them understand the material and create the best papers possible. She is constantly available to her students and is a brilliant scholar in her own right. Any student of hers will feel like her top priority. Furthermore, her in-class lectures suggest unique and
eye-opening interpretations of both literature and history. Faith Beasley—French
Professor Beasley specializes in seventeenth century France, and teaches courses focusing on salons, the Enlightenment, and the intersection of literature and history. She teaches everything from introductory courses to senior seminars and is always known to devote personal attention to each student, both during discussions and while editing papers. She almost always invites students to her home for a meal and to meet her family. No student interested in French should miss a class with Beasley. Douglas Irwin—Economics
After the anti-WTO protests in Seattle, Irwin took to the pages of the Wall Street Journal to defend WTO trade policies and criticize then-President Bill Clinton for “caving in to pressure from labor interests.” Irwin is an undeniable expert in free trade, having quite literally written the book that is used for trade economics courses at Dartmouth. Not only is he blessed with technical expertise, but he is also an engaging and passionate teacher. Andrew Samwick—Economics
Professor Samwick’s litany of accomplishments is too long to list here, so we will recount just a few key highlights. He was Chief Economist of President George W. Bush’s Council of Economic Advisers from 2003 to 2004. He was named the New Hampshire Professor of the Year in 2009. He has run Rocky for over a decade. Samwick embodies the archetypal scholar-teacher, making plenty of time available for students despite his impressive research and significant administrative responsibilities. He has a quirky sense of humor and is easy to talk to, providing advice and mentorship for all who seek it.
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They Were the Best of Professors... > CONTINUED FROM PAGE 7
Nina Pavcnik—Economics
Professor Pavcnik is an incredibly knowledgeable and accomplished economics researcher, yet she is also an extremely passionate and effective instructor. She deeply cares for her students and is able to guide them to reach their potential in a variety of settings, both for lecture and seminar courses. Her courses are both educationally enriching and personally rewarding, as students are challenged to use economic principles in real-world applications. She also gets bonus points for being on the committee that denied Aimee Bahng tenure. William Fischel—Economics
Professor Fischel is an urban economist and one of the leading scholars on the economics of land use regulation (i.e. zoning). He is the prolific author of five books, including the highly influential Homevoter Hypothesis, which submits that local governments should be viewed as municipal corporations in which homeowners are the shareholders. Another one of his books, Regulatory Takings, was recently cited in Justice Kagan’s dissenting opinion in Koontz v. St. Johns. We recommend his course on zoning, Economics 38, as a hidden gem of the economics department. Furthermore, Fischel has done significant work on the history and evolution of the American public school system and advances rather peculiar arguments against charter schools. Udi Greenberg—History
Professor Greenberg is one of the history department’s rising
stars and a perennial favorite of majors and non-majors alike. Although his area of specialty is late nineteenth and early twentieth century German history, his courses on the Second World War, Nazism, and the European intellectual tradition are not to be missed. A demanding teacher who is wont to assign long blocks of reading for each class, he holds his students to a high standard, but with good reason: it is impossible come away from a term with Professor Greenberg without an intimate understanding of the material presented. For this reason, more than one Reviewer has referred to his courses as “life changing.” Julie Kalish—Writing As a lecturer in the Writing and Rhetoric Institute, Professor Kalish consistently ranks among undergraduates’ favorite teachers. A member of the Class of 1991 and an expert on constitutional law and the first amendment, she brings an unparalleled level of expertise to each lecture and inspires some of the best debates on campus with her question and answer-style. Her class on the Supreme Court in American Society is considered by many to be the best Writing 5 course available, but prospective students beware: it fills up quickly. If you can’t get off the waiting list, consider taking her class on writing and speaking in public policy come spring. Robert Ditchfield—Chemistry
An expert in theoretical chemistry who did his post-doc with Nobel laureate J.A. Pople, Ditchfield is one of the chemistry department’s most senior and respected scholars. He knows every student’s name by the first day of class, holds frequent and helpful office hours, and explains challenging concepts in quantum chemistry with great thoroughness and clarity. Anyone interested in Chemistry 6 or 76 should choose to take it with this jovial British professor. Feel free to ask him about British tea. Alan Li—Chinese Professor Li is widely praised for the vast amount of knowledge he brings to his classes. He evinces an incredible grasp of the logistics of English and its interactions with Mandarin in his classes, which range from beginner to advanced Chinese. While the Chinese track is notorious for hitting students with a torrent
of information to memorize, Li finds ways of making it manageable. Michael Herron—Government Professor Herron teaches Government 10, a popular introductory statistics class. Tall and lanky, Michael quickly won over the classroom on the first day with his warm, if slightly gawky, demeanor. He keeps students engaged with a Socratic-style teaching method that uses in-class Q and A to drive lectures. Herron’s passion for his work—as it pertains to both the educational and statistical realms—makes attending his lectures an eagerly awaited treat rather than a chore.
of James Bond in the Classics Department. Every morning when he strides into class, Bradley sets his pocket watch down on the desk and then proceeds to lecture for an electrifying hour—or sometimes, if the students are lucky, two. Besides, as a true patriot, he makes sure that veterans do well in his class and helps them transition to life at an elite college.
Susannah Heschel—Jewish Studies
Edward Miller—History
Her father, Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, has been called the greatest Jewish thinker of the twentieth century for his theological innovation and work on the Civil Rights Movement. Professor Heschel will tell you about growing up in a home where Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was a regular guest, but she will not readily tell you about her own work on topics ranging from Jewish feminism to Jewish-Muslim relations, which other scholars often cite as inceptive and authoritative. No one invests as much energy and care into making Dartmouth an intellectual hub. Like her father, she will be known as a contradiction in terms: an orthodox innovator and an intellectual activist.
Gordon Gribble—Chemistry
Gordon Gribble is the most senior faculty member in the entire College, and his experience shows. Having authored close to 400 papers and taught organic chemistry for nearly 50 years, he is incredibly entertaining and trollish in class, expertly covering not only the curriculum but also “special topics” such as chemical warfare and insect chemical defenses. He once had secret-level security clearance and consulted for the Pentagon on chemical weapons. Gribble is a modern Renaissance man, and one faculty member described him as “a walking encyclopedia.” Indeed, he knows everything there is to know about chess, winemaking, World War II, and the Civil War in addition to organic chemistry. He has also reportedly claimed that he will only stop teaching when he drops dead, so we hope that he will be here for some time to come. Try not to be intimidated by the fact that his Chemistry 52 class has two syllabi, both over a hundred pages. Edward Bradley—Classics
Emeritus Professor of Classics Edward M. Bradley is called into Dartmouth every now and then to teach Latin. He’s the equivalent
Professor Miller is the leader of the Dartmouth Vietnam Project and also teaches a course on the Vietnam War. Unlike most courses, which usually focus on the American War in Vietnam, Professor Miller’s course focuses on the First, Second, and Third Indochina Wars to give students a better understanding of the Vietnamese perspective across the 20th century. Professor Miller is a demanding teacher who uses a reverse-lecture format; he asks students to watch his lectures online before class, so that students can have plenty of time for discussion during class. Reading assignments can be dense, but in-class discussions give students the opportunity to learn in depth and enrich their academic experience. Paul Musselwhite—History
Professor Paul Musselwhite is the History Department’s resident expert in early modern America. Hailing from Wales and educated at the University of Oxford and the College of William & Mary, Professor Musselwhite’s courses in empires and the American Revolution interrogate the material from all perspectives. He brings tremendous passion to his lectures: it is not uncommon for him to be out of breath by the time class expires. Despite his unfortunate support for the Liberal Democrats in his native United Kingdom, he is one of the Review’s favorite professors for his seemingly endless archive of knowledge, his obvious talents in the classroom, and his accessibility outside of it.
Michael Lurie—Classics Michael Lurie is an excellent up-and-coming professor in the Classics department. An expert in Greek theatre and intellectual history, Professor Lurie’s lectures are theatre themselves: they are highly entertaining and his enthusiasm is infectious. Professor Lurie is an original thinker who encourages his students to critically analyze existing classical scholarship. He does not hesitate to lavish praise on or ruthlessly criticize the opinions of venerated classicists. His lectures will change your perspective while deepening your capacity to think critically. The Review highly recommends his courses, which represent the best the liberal arts have to offer. Cecilia Gaposchkin—History The wife of another excellent Dartmouth professor, Professor Gaposchkin has a love for medieval history that rubs off on her pupils. Her lectures are captivating and informative. More importantly, her classes provide students with the skills needed to be successful outside of academia. She makes every attempt possible to meet individually with her students, in whom she takes both an academic and a personal interest. She does not just demand excellence, but she provides each individual with the feedback necessary to develop and improve analytical abilities. She embodies the ideals of a liberal arts education, and her classes are a must for any student wanting to get the most out of his or her Dartmouth experience.
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...They Were the Worst of Professors Aimee Bahng—English
Professor Bahng is beloved by a certain type of student, but students often go astray in understanding what is best for themselves. Professor Bahng is nothing more than an ideological hack, passing off the usual identity politics drivel as serious scholarship. She does not tolerate dissenting opinions in her classes and preaches to the choir with courses such as Black Lives Matter. Furthermore, she invited to campus and refused to denounce notorious anti-Semite Jasbir Puar, a “scholar” most infamous for making unsubstantiated claims that Israelis are harvesting Palestinian organs.
to get through the class period. A frequent feature of said lectures was students pointing to simple mathematical errors, which would lead to minutes of silence as Professor Wallace puzzled through how to resolve the mistake. Thanks to her confusing and often impossible assignments riddled with typos, dozens of students would spend the wee hours in Novack, hurriedly rushing between tables, attempting to see if anyone knew how to solve the problems. It got so bad that the befuddled TA had to begin walking through students through each problem during office hours, essentially giving them the answers. Her classes are a truly unfortunate experience for any student interested in pursuing mathematics. Joseph Bafumi—Government
Dorothy Wallace—Mathematics
Professor Wallace may be the worst mathematics teacher that our contributors have ever encountered. This particular department is famous for picking professors far more interested in research than in lecturing, but Professor Wallace is beyond even that excuse. In Math 23: Differential Equations, the department combined two sections together so that she would only have to lecture once. But of the seventy students, few ever knew what was going on. Often, she would wander into class late with a frazzled look on her face and then struggle
Professor Bafumi is not a bad teacher. He’s just incredibly easy. He covers material at a very shallow level, particularly in his elections class, which tends to focus more on reading RealClearPolitics than on any particular academic literature. Of course, few of the athletes or Greek members who crowd his classes actually do the reading. During one particular section, Professor Bafumi had to threaten and finally institute reading quizzes simply because he grew tired of the dull and uncomprehending faces that stared back at him during each lecture. If you are looking for a fairly easy course, then Professor Bafumi’s unassuming and happy-go-lucky style may be perfect for you. Given Dartmouth’s ever-increas-
ing price tag, however, this appears to be a foolish decision. Phillip J. Hanlon—Mathematics
Professor Lim would design a course consisting of not much more than “a bunch of blog posts by partisans and ideologues.” This course, rather than even mention radical Islamic terrorism, focuses on attacking Republicans, the National Rifle Association, law enforcement, Donald Trump, “phallagocentrism,” and “Islamaphobia.” Steer clear. Reiko Ohnuma—Religion
ing his basic economics in college from Janet Yellen herself, and after countless years of delivering perhaps the most boring and difficult-to-follow lectures in the entire school, Professor Scott could really use a government bailout. Few, if any, students report having learned anything about basic economics in his class. If one is looking to pursue serious study of economics at the College, avoiding Scott’s Econ 1 is the first step to success. Annabel Martin—Spanish
Though we certainly appreciate the effort President Hanlon puts in to spend time teaching students, those who have had the misfortune of actually sitting through his Math 11 class can testify to his ceaseless lethargy, which makes Jeb Bush and Ben Carson look like high energy individuals. As a testament to this, his lectures are often affectionately referred to as “Moving Dartmouth Boreward.” One source recalls visiting his office hours only to be drowned out by a squad of protesting scoundrels who threatened President Hanlon with “physical action” if he didn’t meet their demands. Rumors of the hard alcohol ban being violated in his classroom remain unsubstantiated. Eng-Beng Lim—Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies
Professor Ohnuma, a specialist in South Asian Buddhism, makes the list for one reason: some ridiculously thoughtless posts she put on her public Facebook profile in 2008. In a status update, she recounted how she was using Wikipedia to hastily put together a lecture. “Where is Wikipedia when you really need it? The Wikipedia article on modernity SUCKS. [emphasis Professor Ohnuma’s]” Then, “Yeah, I saw that page already. Thank f****** God for the Internet.” Strong language for a Religion professor. To a friend she then said, “I’m now going to shamelessly plagiarize your language.” The very next day she publicly bragged, “Reiko faked it with aplomb.” Remarkably, this supposed scholar is still teaching at the College. John Scott—Economics
In the wake of the recent terrorist attack on a gay nightclub in Orlando, Professor Lim designed a course entitled the “#Orlando Syllabus.” Upon seeing this syllabus, another faculty member expressed incredulity that
Despite his claim of learn-
In addition to being an Associate Professor of Spanish, Professor Martin is director of the Gender Research Institute at Dartmouth (GRID). Through her role at GRID, she, along with Aimee Bahng, was responsible for inviting notorious anti-Semite Jasbir Puar to campus. Hosting Puar was disconcerting enough, but it was Professor Martin’s actions during the event that earned her a place on this list. After a student attempted to record the lecture, Professor Martin threatened him with force. In corroborating the student’s story, Professor of Anthropology Sergei Kan described her as “very hostile.” In addition, writing about the Freedom Budget occupation of 2014, she stated, “The students are asking for a sign of solidarity in their struggle and work towards making Dartmouth safer, more inclusive, and ultimately, freer.” We question whether Professor Martin knows the definition of the word free. Needless to say, we do not recommend taking classes with professors who would threaten students and who have trouble understanding basic English.
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Finding an Education at Dartmouth Jeffrey P. Hart Founder
Editor’s Note: The following article originally appeared in The Review’s Dartmouth Guide, a collection of advice for incoming Dartmouth students. We hope you find it just as illuminating today. Who are you? If you are part of Western civilization, your cultural ancestors are a tiny monotheistic desert tribe of Israelites and a small city-state in what we now call Greece. Even if you are unaware of this dual heritage, it influences your life every day. The political philosopher Leo Strauss discussed Western civilization’s foundations in his important essay “Jerusalem and Athens” contained in his collection Studies in Platonic Political Philosophy. The tradition designated “Athens” is associated with philosophy and with critical exercise of the mind. The tradition associated with “Jerusalem” is associated with monotheism. The two traditions interact, sometimes fuse, and there exists a dynamic tension between them. Many have argued that it is just this tension that has rendered Western civilization so dynamic down through the centuries. On the side of “Athens” you will want to learn something about Homer, who in many ways laid
worked its way out in history. The scriptures, like Homer’s works, have their epic heroes, and, like the Greek tradition in some ways they refine and internalize the epic virtues. “Athens” and “Jerusalem” interact and much flows from the interaction. You will follow all of this down through the centuries,
an emergency. I had transferred to Columbia in 1950 and had never taken Humanities 1-2. Even worse, the semester had already begun, and my section of Humanities I had begun without me (such was the disorganization of the English Department). I had never read the first book assigned, Homer’s Iliad. Thinking fast, I
If you are part of Western civilization, your cultural ancestors are a tiny monotheistic desert tribe of Israelites and a small city-state in what we now call Greece. Even if you are unaware of this dual heritage, it influences your life every day. through Virgil and Augustine, and Dante, in Shakespeare, Cervantes, and Montaigne, Moliere, Voltaire, Goethe and on to modernity. “The best that has been thought and said,” as Matthew Arnold called it. The mind of Europe as T.S. Eliot put it, “from Homer to the present.” I had never heard of the Athens-Jerusalem paradigm in 1956 when I got out of the Navy and returned to Columbia for my PhD. I had graduated from Columbia College in 1952. I was wandering around in Hamilton Hall getting my course cards signed when Lionel Trilling emerged from his office and asked if I would like to teach freshman English. I said yes, and soon had three
met the class, said hello, outlined Aristotle’s description of tragedy as set forth in his Poetics, and survived by discussing the nature and goals of tragedy and comedy, not acknowledging that this class right now was a perfect example of both. Teaching the two-semester Humanities 1-2 from 1956 to 1963, when I accepted a position at Dartmouth, led to the publication of my Smiling Through the Cultural Catastrophe, a trip through the Columbia Humanities 1-2 syllabus, with analysis and commentary. This book about Western Civilization came soon after 9/11, so Osama bin Laden became my promoter, and he turned out to be a very good one in fact. Everyone
HART Emeritus Professor of English Jeffrey P. Hart. The Review was founded in his living room in 1980. essary books, but also that they are not read. As Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn has said, “A people that no longer remembers has lost its soul.” The ORC, Dartmouth’s course book, has the necessary ingredients to avert such a crisis.
the ultimate reality: time. The main job in getting a college education is to make sure the large essential parts are firmly in place, after which you can build upon them. The courses you need are right there in the ORC and
“The main job in getting a college education is to make sure the large essential parts are firmly in place, after which you can build upon them.” the basis of Greek philosophy, and you will need to meet Plato, Aristotle, the Greek dramatists, historians, architects and sculptors. Over in “Jerusalem” you will find the epic account of the career of monotheism as it
sections of freshman composition and a section of Humanities 1-2, required of all freshmen, and consistently voted by Columbia alumni as the most valuable course they had taken at the College. But that fall, in 1956, I faced
wanted to talk about Western civilization, which was under attack, and I did on CNN’s “Book Notes,” from its TV studio in Washington, D.C. The title Smiling Through the Cultural Catastrophe means that we have all the nec-
In Smiling Through Cultural Catastrophe, I added “Faust in Great Neck,” or, The Great Gatsby, to the core books of the Western canon. James Gatz pushes towards American possibility, re-invents himself as Jay Gatsby, and tries to defeat
are often surrounded by nonessentials and even outright garbage. Dartmouth will not tell you what the right courses are to get a college education, but then that doesn’t matter—because I have just done so.
“THE 11TH COMMANDMENT: HYDRATE THYSELF, FOR SOON WINE TOO WILL BE BANNED”
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A QPOC on the Disorientation Guide
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capitalizes on a binary of otherness where Blackness and non-whiteness are always subject and whiteness the observer. Few would deny the advantages of having a diversity of perspective and thought in both the faculty and the student body. Alas, as usual, the radical left runs afoul of reality with its post-structural theories, making a farce out of actual issues in the process. Miss Bozarth, rather than making an actual case for diversity, seems intent on attacking white people--particularly white, straight men, the recurrent boogeyman of the identitarian left. She displays a shocking arrogance in her assertion that she has little to learn from some professors simply because their race is not to her liking. Furthermore, her attack on white professors as wealthy and straight is troubling, especially because neither of those traits have very much to do with the competence of an instructor. It is clear that a certain racial animus is motivating this so-called movement for “faculty diversity.” This is all before she takes Mr. Cisneros is a student at the College and a staff member of The Dartmouth Review. He is a queer person of color.
an incomprehensible aside into racial (and racist) theories. The so-called “binary of otherness where Blackness and non-whiteness are always subject and whiteness the observer” is simply of her own invention. In short, Miss Bozarth’s commentary shows the dangers of falling down the rabbit hole of obsessing about identity rather than acquiring knowledge, a problem that her vision for faculty diversity is unlikely to solve. True faculty
ing taken place. Although The Review would love to take credit for the courageous display in Collis honoring our law enforcement officers for National Police Week, we must correct the record. The Review, as an organization independent from the College, does not have rights to reserve space in Collis. The College Republicans were the responsible organization, and despite conspiracy theories from the authors of Disori-
diversity would support alternative viewpoints, including those of conservatives, libertarians, and evangelical Christians. In addition, much of the content that is actually comprehensible either tends to be disturbing or wrong. For example, when discussing the infamous Black Lives Matter protest of November 2015, an article addresses widespread criticism of the profanity and violence at the protest by stating that “no reports were filed [sic] to the college or otherwise to corroborate.” Notice the peculiar wording and the lack of an express denial; this is because participants in the protest, including then-campus NAACP President Jonathan Dikawana ‘16, have already admitted to profanity and harassment hav-
entation Guide, the bulletin board was booked months in advance and has nothing to do with Black Lives Matter or Aimee Bahng. As an example of some truly questionable content, consider “Classic Comebacks” by KWill. In response to the suggestion campus protesters should be held accountable for facing the consequences of their actions, it states:
“True to its name, most of the publication is spent on disorienting freshmen with factually untrue, nonsensical, or patently absurd writing.”
Cool. Then all white people should serve life imprisonment for the mass murder, genocide, and enslavement of black and brown bodies. I’ll serve my sentence when you do. For a supposedly anti-racist publication, the Disorientation Guide sure enjoys painting a
broad racial and factually untrue brush about white people. Quite simply, no one alive bears personal responsibility for slavery, which makes the Disorientation Guide’s “comeback” laughable. Moreover, even during the height of slavery in America, only 1.4% of the white population owned slaves. Since the majority of today’s non-black Americans descend from immigrants who arrived in America after the Civil War, less than 6% of white Americans bear any sort of generational ties to slave owners. Of course, the Disorientation Guide never lets history, facts, context, and the proper perspective get in the way of feeling oppressed. In the same article, in response to the suggestion that minorities may not be easily offended by microaggressions and triggers, KWill suggests that: White supremacy is functioning in your assertion of non-offense. If you are a person of color, you are probably identified as such before you ever open your mouth upon meeting anyone in AmeriKKKa. While I am not offended by “microaggressions,” I am certainly offended by the Disorientation Guide’s statements. Hypocritically enough, KWill implies white prejudice when he is the one being prejudiced.
As a person of color, and a queer person of color at that, I will not fall prey to the collectivist and emotionally fragile mindset of the Disorientation Guide. I refuse to blame some nebulous idea of white supremacy for issues in my own life when taking personal responsibility is the adult thing to do. It would not only be disrespectful to myself, but it would also disrespect the sacrifices of my parents, who immigrated to this country because it was far more free and less oppressive than whence they came. I consider the author’s affront to America, the only nation in the history of the world founded not upon a common culture or heritage but a common idea of freedom, an affront to my own person. And I am especially contemptuous of the claim that I somehow cannot think for myself because my mind is colonized by white supremacy. In fact, I wholly reject the Disorientation Guide precisely because I am a critical thinker who does not credulously believe every emotionally appealing argument that I hear. To suggest otherwise is incredibly condescending and disrespectful to all people of color. With all the problems of the Disorientation Guide, at least it is an improvement from the previous version. This year, there is no article titled “F*** Your White Tears.”
The Review Answers Common Questions Breaker Morant Staff Writer Editor’s Note: This feature is a response to The Dartmouth Radical’s “Disorientation Guide,” which features a number of hypothetical question-and-answer type articles that instruct the reader on appropriate responses to questions and statements. Why do you support a symbol of genocide and oppression like the Dartmouth Indian? A: I fully acknowledge that Native Americans have been the target of countless massacres, atrocities, and crimes. However, genocide is the deliberate mass murder of a group of people, and disease (not intentional murder) was the primary reason for the loss of many Native communities. Regarding the symbol of the Dartmouth Indian, I believe that it repMr. Morant is a freshman at the College and a staff writer for The Dartmouth Review.
resents Dartmouth’s renewed commitment to educate Native students. While the promise to educate and proselytize Natives in Dartmouth’s charter was largely a funding ploy and did not achieve the desired results, the College re-affirmed this mandate around forty years ago. I think a respectful depiction of a Native American is a suitable way to honor both our history and our future. Why do you hate [insert racial, gender, religious, or sexual identity]? A: Just because we disagree on [a given issue] does not mean that I hate [the given identity]. Why do you insist on singing Men of Dartmouth and not the Alma Mater? A: Lest the old traditions fail. You’re going on Birthright? But don’t you know that Israel is an apartheid state? A: Kind of like Abbas’s Palestine, which would be completely judenrein? Or more
like al-Husseini’s, which would have been an ally of Nazi Germany?
sacrifice? No thank you!
ISM, plain and simple.
Educate yourself!
Can you call me ‘they’ from now on?
A: I am. I am taking Economics, History, and Classics courses this term. How is your Women’s, Gender, and Sexualities class going? Have you memorized all the buzzwords for your critical theory test? I know tests do not count toward your “grade,” but it can be difficult to memorize the professor’s exact opinion.
But racism equals power plus prejudice!
A: While I will not go out of my way to insult you by calling you something you do not wish to be called, I believe in using correct grammar and will therefore refrain from using the plural form ‘they’ when a singular ‘he’ or ‘she’ should be used. Can you call me ‘zhe’ from now on?
Do you give affirmative consent for us to engage in sexual intercourse?
A: That is not a word, so no. However, if you Chinese, your last name is Zhe, and you prefer to be called by your last name, I will acquiesce.
A: No, I am saving myself for marriage. Also, it is your turn to serve.
Check your privilege!
A: Of course it does not! The whole concept of reverse racism, reverse sexism, and other reverse bigotry is stupid. When someone is being racist, sexist, or bigoted toward another person, regardless of whether the target is white, male, heterosexual, or cisgendered, that is RAC-
A: Is that like check-in at the beginning of the term? Will I be fined fifty dollars?! Decolonize your mind! A: And have it return to human
Reverse Racism doesn’t exist.
A: You cannot just make up definitions for words and impose them on other people. You are racist because America is founded on racism, the genocide of native peoples, and black slavery. A: Enjoy your BMW, Fanta, aspirin, VW van, IBM computer, Random House book, and Hugo Boss jacket. How can you support the militarization of our campus through the continued presence of ROTC? A: I hear the University of Mosul is now accepting transfer students. You will be happy to learn that they are completely untouched by the U.S. military’s imperialism. F**k your white tears. A: No means no.
12 Monday– September 19, 2016
The Dartmouth Review
FEATURES
Fact & Fiction: The Truth About The Review Nicholas P. Desatnick Editor-in-Chief Emeritus Editor’s Note: The following article was drafted as a response to one of many misguided criticisms hurled toward our paper. Naturally, our esteemed former editor seized the opportunity to set the entire record straight. In one of the more memorable anecdotes from last term’s “What’s So Great About America” debate, an audience member questioned Dinesh D’Souza about The Dartmouth Review’s record on gay rights in the early 1980s. As part of his response, Mr. D’Souza corrected what he called “an urban legend history” of this publication and remarked that “the Mother Jones recapitulation [of The Review’s actions] over the last 30 years bears no resemblance to [its actual coverage of the Gay Student Alliance and the group’s misappropriation of College funds].” Although his answer successfully addressed these particular misconceptions, it seems that the Mother Jones’ version of events continues unabated, often times in direct contradiction to the facts at hand. Witness The Daily Dartmouth’s March 28th edition of The Mirror and a story it ran on the College’s history over the last half century. In a section that chronicles campus social developments throughout the 1980s, its authors devote nine full paraMr. Desatnick is an alumnus of the College and an Editor-in-Chief Emeritus of The Dartmouth Review.
graphs to describing the “slander, destruction, and lawsuits stemming in large part from The Dartmouth Review” and its “[disillusionment] with the direction the College was taking.” Unfortunately, in order to support this simplistic interpretation of events, the article’s authors rely on a selective presentation of the period’s history and render a highly exaggerated account of The Review’s actions. There are six explicit and implied distortions that need to be addressed: Distortion #1: “In 1983, The Review ran a story describing [former Professor of Music William Cole]… as looking ‘like a used Brillo pad.’” Fact: In 1983, this paper ran a series of articles that criticized three classes for their “deficient academic standards” and failure to comply with departmental requirements. One of those was Cole’s Music 2 course, whose syllabus was three lines long and whose lectures often had little to do with the American musical tradition. In her initial report, editor Laura Ingraham cited anecdotes from Cole’s racial musings on the first day of class and interviewed a number of students about their perceptions of his teaching style. One individual described Cole as “[looking] like a used Brillo Pad,” an anecdote that was subsequently quoted in one of Ingraham’s editorials. The Review neither originated nor condoned this description; it simply reported it as part of its journalistic due diligence. To suggest that we described him as such is therefore dis-
ingenuous and inaccurate. Distortion #2: “Cole subsequently sued The Review for slander and though the case was ultimately settled outside of court, the tension between Cole and The Review did not subside.” Fact: Professor Cole lodged a $2.4 million libel suit against this publication and three of its student editors. He charged that their report on his classroom behavior caused him severe “mental, emotional, physical, and financial distress,” yet he failed to specify a single inaccuracy in the entire story. After two years of legal proceedings, Cole was forced to drop his claims against all four defendants because his legal representation was unable to substantively dispute any of the details in Ingraham’s article. Distortion #3: “In February 1988, several staff members of The Review entered Cole’s classroom with cameras and tape recorders. A scuffle ensued, which resulted in Cole breaking one of the cameras.” Fact: Three years after the lawsuit had ended, The Review published a follow-up issue on classes whose academic requirements were persistently substandard and included an article about Music 2. Entitled “Bill Cole in His Own Words,” the piece consisted almost exclusively of direct quotes from one of Cole’s lectures. Prior to publishing the issue, The Review acted on the advice of its legal counsel and sought comment from Cole, first over the phone and then in person. Upon seeing the
George W. Bush Reads The Review
Do You?
staffers enter his classroom, Cole exploded, calling them “g*ddamn-f*ck*n-*ss-whiteboy-racists,” tearing the flashbulb off of photographer John Quilhot’s camera, and telling John Sutter to “come and take” an apology from him. The implications furthered by The D’s use of “scuffle” suggest that Cole’s physicality was somehow reciprocated, which as the reports of eyewitnesses confirm, was not the case. The Reviewers departed the classroom immediately following Cole’s outburst.
ducting a fact-finding mission before assuming that the Hitler quote was a deliberate ploy. The Wall Street Journal even went so far as to call the incident “Dartmouth’s Tawana Bradley case,” and quoted Dinesh D’Souza as saying it made “Mr. Freedman the Al Sharpton of Academia.” Such a momentous controversy was undoubtedly one of the more eventful episodes in the recent history of the College and deserves more than the accusatory and one-sided synopsis that The Mirror provided.
Distortion #4: “Cole ultimately left the College in 1990, claiming that his clashes with The Review ‘totally blackballed him.’”
Distortion #6: “In Summer’s opinion, this action by Freedman [sic] allowed campus to focus on progressive academic changes. Among these turnof-the-decade changes were the creation of the minor, the culminating experience as a distributive requirement, the Presidential Scholars program, and the expansion of the Collis Center.”
Fact: Cole left the College a full two years after his last run-in with this publication. His mixed reputation on campus was the direct result of his disregard for the College’s academic standards, his proselytizing in the classroom, and his predilection for racial epithets like “honky.” The Review simply exposed these facts for what they were and in no way set out to deliberately “blackball him.” Distortion #5: “At the beginning of the 1990s, over 2,000 people joined in a Dartmouth United Against Hate rally in an attempt to kindle campus unity and condemn The Review.” Fact: In 1990, much of the campus did indeed participate in a “Rally Against Hate” directed against this publication; however, The Dartmouth’s account of events makes no mention of either the Rally’s impetus or its repercussions. That fall, an unknown saboteur slipped an excerpt from Mein Kampf into this paper’s credo, sparking a campus-wide uproar. When The Review discovered the subterfuge, it immediately retracted and destroyed all outstanding issues and Editor Kevin Pritchett issued a public apology. Rather than comply with Prichett’s request for help in conducting an internal investigation, however, the Freedman Administration publically censured the paper and organized the “Rally Against Hate” to protest its anti-Semitism. After subsequent studies from the New Hampshire Human Rights Commission and the Anti-Defamation League of B’Nai B’irth found The Review’s staff (which was at the time over a quarter Jewish) to be free from “any hint of bigotry or prejudice,” many alumni and national media outlets were critical of President Freedman for not con-
Fact: The problem with this statement lies not within its specific content (or its grammatical errors), but in its efforts to put a neat and tidy end to the apparent turmoil of the 1980s. While The Review was considerably weakened by the Hitler debacle, the controversy was by no means the end of its involvement on Dartmouth’s campus. Since then, the paper has played an instrumental role in a number of important debates, including President Wright’s Student Life Initiative and the role of alumni in College governance. The fact that one of The Review’s earliest correspondents, Peter Robinson ’79, could later be elected to Dartmouth’s Board of Trustees testifies to the paper’s ability to affect public opinion and have a lasting impact on trends at the College. That influence continues to this day. Although The Review has undoubtedly changed since the 1980s, its mission remains the same: to serve as Dartmouth’s only independent journal of critical thought and positively impact campus discussion. We like to think that the controversies of yesteryear helped us mature in our orientation to the issues before us and that we can fulfill an important role in the debates of today. It is with that end in mind that we want to encourage anyone with an interest in the paper’s history to view our past issues at their discretion. Our archives, much like the publication as a whole, are always open and ready to serve the campus. All you have to do is give them a read.
The Dartmouth Review
Monday – September 19, 2016 13
FEATURES
A History of (Re)Activism
PROTESTORS incur the wrath of prospective students at Dimensions 2013.
THE DARTMOUTH REVIEW Staff The history of recent protests at the College can be summarized by a quote from its most famous alumnus: “from there to here / and here to there / funny things are everywhere.” If they were not so telling of the present direction of the College, the events of recent years would seem comical. Many of the recent events can be described as postLohse fallout. In March 2012,
hazing, substance abuse, and sexual assault, some specifics of which cannot be described by this paper. The fallout was enormous. More importantly, it heralded a change in tactics for many of Dartmouth’s activists. They began targeting Dartmouth where it would really hurt: admissions. In April of 2012, activists circulated a petition reading “I am concerned about the Greek System at Dartmouth” among prospective students during the dimensions period. Fore-
“F*** you, you filthy white f***s!” -Black Lives Matter Protestors Andrew Lohse, a former SAE member, came out with allegations about hazing practices at that fraternity. After the College suspended him for cocaine use, Lohse decided to go to the press with an axe to grind, and his accusations appeared in Rolling Stone Magazine. The next few years would see debate about the fraternity system ramping up on campus, culminating with The Dartmouth’s front-page editorial calling for its abolition. But it was the visceral description of fraternity culture – “demonstrably untrue,” according to SAE’s lawyer – that was so polarizing. Lohse described, among other things,
shadowing what would come a year later, they also interrupted a panel to deliver their message, which, according to the organizer Nina Rojas ’13, called for “structural changes by administrators that will fundamentally alter the way the culture works”. According to her, this could be as drastic as abolishing the Greek System altogether. But, even though this was a very visible event, it was the events taking place one year later that would be known as the “dimensions protest”. RealTalk Dartmouth, a group formed in early 2013, had planned to hold a kind of info session for prospec-
BLACK LIVES MATTER protestors harass and threan students while they study for finals in the library.
tive students in April of that year. When they saw “low prospective student turnout,” the group blamed, “the suppression of dissent at Dartmouth,” rather than the obvious lack of interest. In response to this, they decided to crash the final dimensions show. “It happened last year, it’s happening this year, and will hopefully happen every Dimensions until the College changes.... And by the looks of it, I think it’s working,” said one student about the protest. Shouting claims of homophobia and racism on campus, they pushed their way into FoCo, injuring one student at the door, and stopped the show. They were finally shouted down, perhaps surprisingly, by prospective students shouting, “We love Dartmouth.” After significant uproar on campus, some disparaging comments about the protestors on the website “Bored@Baker,” and the protestors disrupting a faculty meeting on the topic, classes were cancelled for a day. Over the next year there were a few notable protests. In one instance, a group of students led by former professor and career instigator Russel Rickford staged a “die-in” at a speech by former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, accusing him of war crimes and other atrocities. Ironically, Olmert is known for his far-left politics and his corruption. In February, activists released what they called the “Freedom Budget” with the goal of “redistributing power and resources in a way that is radically equitable.” Specific proposals included establishing a minimum required percentage of students of color for each matriculating class. The students demanded the administration respond in one month. Even though they had re-
ceived a response from President Hanlon, they occupied his office in early April, demanding that he lay out “first steps to enact the budget.” They stated, “Our bodies are already on the line, in danger, and under attack at Dartmouth. We are now using them to occupy the President’s office until he accords us the basic respect of serious, point-by-point, actionable response.” Needless to say, the occupation ended two days later without such a response. Another protest that made national news came a year later, when activists found out that they could attack frats and cultural oppression at the same time. Pursuant to this, they protested a “Derby” party at KDE, accusing it of racism, and got into a shouting match with the student body president, a black man. The next year, KDE changed the theme. This trend of agitation continued as fall moved into winter, culminating with the infamous invasion of the Baker-Berry library in November. After a sparsely attended vigil on the green, student activists (The Review uses that
refused to listen to or join in their shouting were shouted down: “Stand the f*** up!” Although the protest was negatively received on campus, the protestors achieved at least one of their goals. Apathy on campus regarding BLM definitely went down, although at least some of this apathy was replaced by contempt. After news of the library invasion spread, the college suffered a PR nightmare. Angry at the lack of disciplinary consequences for the BLM activists, alumni began making angry phone calls to the college and withholding donations. President Hanlon even reputedly received an earful at a Manhattan fundraiser. Most recently, the Dartmouth College Republicans put up a bulletin board at Collis drawing attention to national police week. The day it was put up, Black Lives Matter activists tore it down and put up a replacement in violation of Collis policies. No students were punished for this act, and it was again reported on in the national news media. Such behavior would be disturbing in isolation, but when
STUDENTS responsible for the Freedom Budget occupy Parkhurst. term loosely) affiliated with Black Lives Matter felt that something had to be done to change the apathy and disinterest on the part of the rest of student body, who were engaged in studying for finals. It is perhaps telling that the BLM activists felt no need to do the same. Regardless, clamorous BLM protesters poured into the library, justifying their disruptive protest by arguing that their emotional safety trumped any right that the studying student had to peace and quiet. Chanting and shouting, the protest soon devolved (or depending on one’s perspective, showed its true colors) into intimidation. Protestors surrounded students and harangued them, reportedly reducing at least one student to tears. Undisguised racial hostility pervaded this action, and protestors shouted things like, “F*** you, you filthy white f***s!” and, “Filthy white B****!” Students in the library who
they become an accepted and even expected form of student activism, they threaten the Dartmouth community and its climate of free debate. It is not difficult to see why the campus left continues to pursue these tactics: they work. The left knows that the liberals in the administration are made uncomfortable by student activism and will make concessions in order to secure short-term calm. But in doing so, the administration has allowed its policy to be dictated by the radical elements in our student body. He who shouts the loudest is afforded the most influence, given the greatest chance at serving on college policy commissions, and accorded the most respect by administrators. It is deeply ironic that the aftermath of these events is always a call for more dialogue and discussion. Dialogue, at least as the Review understands it, always requires more than one party.
14 Monday – September 19, 2016
The Dartmouth Review
FEATURES
The Dartmouth Glossary Sterling C. Beard, Sandor Farkas, Jack F. Mourouzis
Senior Editors ACTIVISM: Express mild disparagement to make yourself feel less earnest as you participate. The point is good feeling, not efficacy. APATHY: Thunder against. AUTHENTICITY: What you say in public is an act. What you say in private is authentic. AWKWARD: Like “random,” except twisted and violent to your sense of self. May be accompanied by a symbolic turtle. BLACK LIVES MATTER: The most important organization currently on Dartmouth’s campus. Fighting for truth, justice, and the American way. In no way inflammatory or controversial. BLUE LIVES MATTER: Hate speech. BODIES: Don’t say a frat is dangerous; instead, declare “This space is not safe for black/female bodies.” BUDGET CUTS: Lament that they are necessary. Admit you don’t understand statistics and don’t have data. Then thunder against anyway. CALL-OUTS: Instead of arguing a point, call out individuals for possessing objectionable views. Observe verbally that you are calling them out. CHUBBERS: The listserv of the Cabin and Trail sub-club of the Dartmouth Outing Club. Neither negative emotions nor rides to hitch exist there. CLOSE-MINDEDNESS: The condition of being wrong. “Why must everyone be so close-minded?” CO-EDUCATIONAL FRATERNITIES: like fraternities or sororities but with less administrative scrutiny. Now know as Gender Inclusive Greek Houses, because, The Patriarchy. CULTURAL APPROPRIATION: A crime of the highest order. Remember: if it’s not YOUR culture, you are not allowed to even think about it. DAILY DARTMOUTH, THE: The world’s oldest college newspaper, purportedly founded in the late Neolithic era. Widely known for its journalistic integrity and quality articles that capture both the collective will of the student body and articulate important issues for the masses. It enjoys unparalleled access to the Greek System. A bastion of original thought, grammatical errors, and self-important executives. DARTMOUTH: Conservative by naMr. Beard is a member of the Class of 2013 and Editor-in-Chief Emeritus of The Dartmouth Review. Mr. Farkas is a senior at the College and the current Editor-in-Chief. Mr. Mourouzis is a Junior at the College and an executive at The Review.
ture. An intellectual wasteland before 1972. DARTMOUTH ACTION COLLECTIVE: One of the many names for the committee (of course) behind the Dis-Orientation Guide and other acts of activism. Occasionally holds “Resistance Workshops,” where they rail against racism, imperialism, and “colonism,” whatever that is. DARTMOUTH DINING SERVICES: An institution that lies somewhere between a Communist control economy and a Capitalist monopoly. They provide the best food at Dartmouth for the best prices, because theirs is the only food and theirs the power of price control. (See King Arthur Flour) DARTMOUTH EXPERIENCE: A précis of no more than a paragraph printable in college brochures or alumni newsletters. Must focus on a quirky interest, such as the semiotics of yodeling. DARTMOUTH FREE PRESS: Progressive, school sponsored alternative publication. Famous primarily for its profane, anonymous back-page rants. Articles appear to have been printed with a minimum of copyediting to achieve a “guerilla” feel. Now defunct. DARTMOUTH OUTING CLUB, THE: like a fraternity, but with flannel shirts and Carhartts instead of Vineyard Vines and salmon shorts. Everyone wishes they had been more involved during their time at Dartmouth.
FOREIGN STUDY: Useful for finding yourself, not so much for learning. Afterwards, post pictures on Facebook of yourself posing with the fascinating foreign people you encountered. FRATERNITIES: Large, brick devices used to oppress people. No members of minority groups have ever been admitted to them, sadly. Frequent these and make yourself feel better by joining progressive Facebook groups. FREE SPEECH: Of course you’re for it. “Duh.” But where do we draw the line? FREEDOM BUDGET, THE: Unrelated to freedom; also contains no dollar figures and is therefore not a budget. GREAT BOOKS: “Who says? By whose standards?” THE GREEK SYSTEM: Used to separate people by sex and class. Purveyor of alcoholic beverages and oppression. HARD ALCOHOL BAN, THE: A system cleverly designed by the administration to improve Dartmouth’s image and neutralize those students who will likely create negative PR problems. HAZING: Starts with DOC Trips, ends at Commencement. HOSTAGE SITUATION: When you barricade yourself in someone else’s office and lack chargers for your Macbooks. HUFFINGTON POST, THE: A publication that exists solely to report on Dartmouth’s drinking habits. See ROLLING STONE.
of everything that is right. Or a wizened alumnus who spends his time exposing the dirty secrets of the administration from his castle in France. KING ARTHUR FLOUR: a band of plucky socialist partisans fighting the fascist DDS. A favorite of basic white girls and anyone else willing to publically admit that they love those damn cupcakes. They also make good crème brûlée. LIBERTARIAN: Less annoying than conservatives. Won’t get thrown out of an Upper West Side cocktail party for their politics. THE LINE: Speculate about where to draw it when you panic and can’t think of anything else to say. LUNCHBOXES: Apparently only good for carrying vomelettes. Now banned. MALE-DOMINATED: popular.
Anything
OFFENSE: A subjective phenomenon that does not need explanation or rationalization. OLD THINGS: Treat as kitsch. OPAL: Dartmouth’s Office of Pluralism and Leadership. Function unknown, but likely a black hole for tuition dollars. OPPRESSION, OPPRESSIVE: When you barricade yourself in someone else’s office and the pizza delivery is too slow. Obviously, Ramunto’s must be a racist, sexist, xenophobic institution of hatred and patriarchy.
IRONY: Self-contradiction. Hints at towering smarts within. For good measure, occasionally thunder against.
PANEL: Where intellect and discourse, and especially intellectual discourse, go to die.
DELINEATE: Use improperly. “We must delineate between progressive and hurtful laughter.”
ISRAEL: If only Dartmouth would divest from it, all violence in the Middle East would cease instantaneously.
PATRIARCHAL: Most things in life. Institutions are everywhere.
DICTATORS: Compare your rhetorical opponents to mustachioed masterminds of twentieth-century genocides. Do this as often as possible.
IVY LEAGUE: Acceptance to a member school validates the way your parents raised you no matter how much you loathe them as a result.
DIVERSITY: Ethnic diversity. An end in and of itself. It is our strength.
JIM YONG KIM: Like many students, came to Dartmouth an idealist, left a banker.
YOURSELF:
The
FEELINGS: Must be protected at all costs. For what does it benefit a campus community to gain the whole world but hurt its feelings?
JOKES: Should serve a cause, like subverting the patriarchy. Dangerous when used to hold people to normative standards. JOSEPH ASCH: The cloaked defender
RIGOR: To be avoided. ROLLING STONE: A publication that exists solely to report on Dartmouth’s latest hazing scandals. SOCIAL SPACES: Notwithstanding AMARNA, Panarchy, Alpha Theta, Phi Tau, Tabard, every sorority, Aquinas House, Edgerton House, the Green, Moosilauke Ravine Lodge, Sarner Underground, Top of the Hop, etc., they do not exist outside of frats.
SPECIESISM: The newest trend in social justice. Deals with alleged prejudice against animals.
THE INDIAN: The apex of racial ignorance; insult and/or assault passersby who wear it.
EXPRESSING point of life.
THE RIGHT TO YOUR OPINION: “You have the right to your opinion, but…”
OCCUPY DARTMOUTH: Defunct.
DARTMOUTH REVIEW, THE: Make highly original quips about using it as a doormat. Never admit to reading it regardless of how much you agree with it. Has produced a Pulitzer Prize winner. We hear he now has a doorman.
ELITISM: Thunder against, however ironically.
RELIGION: Always “organized.” Spirituality is better, particularly if it doesn’t place any restrictions on enjoying nightlife.
SPEAKING OUT: Always necessary. Feels good, but typically ineffective.
DARTMOUTH RADICAL, THE: The successor to the DFP. Publishes, on average, once every year or so. Occasionally entirely handwritten.
JUAN CARLOS: A humble brother of the late Alpha Delta Fraternity for Men who went on to lead one of the world’s foremost educational institutions. Known for his undying sense of loyalty and visionary leadership.
REALTALK: Defunct.
NEOCONSERVATIVE: A useful epithet for undesirable things.
IDENTITY: The most important part of a human being in modern society. Violating someone’s identity, whatever that means, is essentially murder.
DOC TRIPS: Usually the best part of your Dartmouth Experience. Certainly the most innocent.
Nod gravely and smile grimly. Never forget to remind people to “check” said privilege.
THE OTHER: Use this term instead of “others “or “other people.”
PATRIOTISM: Creepy. “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.” THE PAST: Was populated by various racists, misogynists, bullies, twits, and prudes. All else is superfluous. PEOPLE’S COALITION: Defunct. PHALLIC SYMBOLS: Profound. If you haven’t done the reading, flip to a random page and point one out in class discussion. Must be taller than it is wide, e.g. toothbrush, skyscraper. Smirk and/ or giggle while presenting your point to underscore the political mischief of it all. POLITICALLY CORRECT: The best kind of correct, even when it isn’t. PRIVILEGE: Denigrate your own privileged status to everyone around you. “We ALL benefit from privilege.”
THE SELF: Tack onto paper titles when you are desperate, e.g. “Late Capitalism and the Self.” SELF-CENSORSHIP: Your staunch refusal to say what’s on my mind. SELLING OUT: As a joke, refer to your taking a financial job as “selling out.” Placate yourself by reading mediocre poetry. SEX: An opportunity to demonstrate your broadmindedness. Fraught with political meaning. Make sure to obtain written consent in triplicate beforehand, though. SOLIDARITY: Standing with the oppressed peoples of the world. Has nothing to do with Lech Wałęsa. STEREOTYPES: Point them out in class discussion if you can’t think of anything to say. All are false and deeply hurtful. STUDENTS STAND WITH STAFF: Defunct. TENURE: Status given to exceptional professors. At Dartmouth, given exclusively to white males and intentionally withheld from everyone else. TRADITION: Sing about it wistfully, do your best to end it. TRIGGER WARNINGS: What The Dartmouth Review would have in its masthead if The Liberals got their way. Avoid all classes whose professors give them. UPTIGHTNESS: Ponder aloud why everyone is so uptight.. WHITE TEARS: Fornicate with th em.
The Dartmouth Review
Monday – September 19, 2016 15
FEATURES
Lost Songs of Old Dartmouth ev’ry land Dear old Dartmouth bless her name A Son of a Gun I wish I had a barrel of rum and sugar, three hundred pound; I’d put it in the College bell and stir it ‘round and ‘round, Let ev’ry honest fellow drink his glass of hearty cheer, For I’m a student of old Dartmouth and a son of a gun for beer. (Chorus) I’m a son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a gun for beer. I’m a son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a gun for beer. Like ev’ry honest fellow I like my whiskey clear, For I’m a student of old Dartmouth and a son of a gun for beer.
FRESHMEN study a book of Dartmouth songs and traditions, published by the Green Key Society, while wearing their customery green beenies.
> CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 Eleazar Wheelock by Richard Hovey ’85 Oh, Eleazar Wheelock was a very pious man; He went into the wilderness to teach the Indian, With a gradus and a Parnassum, a Bible, and a drum, And five hundred gallons of New England rum. Fill the bowl up! Fill the bowl up! Drink to Eleazar And his primitive Alcazar Where he mixed drinks for the heathen, In the goodness of his soul. The big chief that met him was the sachem of the Wah-hoo-wahs. If he was not the big chief, there was never one you saw who was; He had tobacco by the cord, ten squaws, and more to come, But he never yet had tasted of New England rum. Eleazar and the chief harangued and gesticulated; They founded Dartmouth College and the big chief matriculated. Eleazar was the faculty and the whole curriculum Was five hundred gallons of New England rum. Pea-Green Freshmen Where, O where are the pea-green freshmen? (3 times) Safe at last in the soph’more class. They’ve gone out from Pollard’s smut class. (3 times) Safe at last in the soph’more class. Mr. Farkas is a member of the Class of 2016 and Editor-in-Chief of The Dartmouth Review.
Where, O where are the gay young soph’mores? (3 times) Safe at last in the junior class. They’ve gone out from Fergies’s physics. (3 times) Safe at last in the junior class. Where, O where are the drunken juniors? (3 times) Safe at last in the senior class. They’ve gone out from Foley’s hist’ry. (3 times) Safe at last in the senior class. Where, O where are the Grand Old Seniors? (3 times) Safe at last in the wide, wide world. They’ve gone out from their Alma Mater. (3 times) Safe at last in the wide, wide world. Where, O where are the funny, funny faculty? (3 times) Safe at last in their trundle beds. They’ve come back from Leb and the Junction. (3 times) Safe at last in their trundle beds. Dear Old Dartmouth by Rollo Reynolds ’10 & Walter Golde ’10 We will shout Wah-hoo-wah We will shout for old Dartmouth Once again at her feet We another vict’ry lay We will shout Wah-hoo-wah Strong her fame we are building For it’s Dartmouth’s Day Dear old Dartmouth Dear old Dartmouth Bless her name Whether in defeat or vict’ry We are loyal just the same Then we’ll sing to dear old Dartmouth ‘Tis for her we fight for fame And we’ll shout her praises loud in
And if I had a daughter, sir, I’d dress her up in green; And put her on the campus to coach the freshman team. And if I had a son, sir, I’ll tell you what he’d do. He would yell “to Hell with Harvard” like his daddy used to do. (Chorus) As the Backs Go Tearing By by John Thomas Keady ’05 As the backs go tearing by On their way to do or die Many sighs and many tears, Mingle with the Harvard cheers, As the backs go tearing by Making gain on steady gain Echo swells the sweet refrain Dartmouth’s going to win today Dartmouth’s going to win today As the backs go tearing by. Dartmouth’s in Town Again by H. Armes ’12 & Robert Hopkins ’14 Dartmouth’s in town again, Team, Team, Team, Echo the old refrain, Team, Team, Team. Dartmouth for you we sing, Dartmouth the echoes ring, Dartmouth we cheer you. Wah Who Wah Who Wah! Down where the men in Green, Play on play, Are fighting like Dartmouth men; We have the Dartmouth team, And say, Dartmouth’s in town again. Hanover Winter Song by Richard Hovey ’85 Ho, a song by the fire; Pass the pipes, pass the bowl. Ho, a song by the fire With a skoal, with a skoal. Ho, a song by the fire; Pass the pipes with a skoal, For the wolf-wind is wailing at the doorways,
And the snow drifts deep along the road, And the ice gnomes are marching from their Norways, And the great white cold walks abroad. (Chorus) But, here by the fire, we defy frost and storm; Ha, ha we are warm, and we have our heart’s desire. For here, we’re good fellows, and the beechwood and the bellows; And the cup is at the lip in the pledge of fellowship. Oh, here by the fire, we defy frost and storm; Ha, ha, we are warm, and we have our heart’s desire. For here we’re good fellows, and the beechwood and the bellows. And the cup is at the lip in the pledge of fellowship Of fellowship Pile the logs on the fire; Fill the pipes, pass the bowl. Pile the logs on the fire With a skoal, with a skoal. Pile the logs on the fire; Fill the pipes with a skoal, For the fire goblins flicker on the ceiling, And the wine witch glitters in the glass, And the smoke wraiths are drifting, curling, reeling, And the sleigh bells jingle as they pass. Oh, a God is the fire; Pull the pipes, drain the bowl. Oh, a God is the fire With a skoal, with a skoal. Oh, a God is the fire; Pull the pipes with a skoal, For the room has a spirit in the embers, ’Tis a God and our fathers knew his name, And they worship’d him in long-forgot Decembers, And their hearts leap’d high with the flame. Eleazar Wheelock Must Be Turning In His Grave Eleazar Wheelock must be turning in his grave Oh, Eleazar Wheelock must be turning in his grave Oh, Eleazar Wheelock must be turning in his grave As we go marching on Glory, glory to old Dartmouth Glory, glory to old Dartmouth Glory, glory to old Dartmouth For this is Dartmouth’s day Dartmouth Touchdown Song by Winsor Wilkinson ’10 & Moses Ewing ’13 Come stand up men and sing for Dartmouth. Cheer when the team in green appears. For naught avails the strength of Harvard, When they hear our mighty cheers! Fight, fight, fight for Dartmouth, And tear on down the field. Touchdown,Touchdown, Dartmouth, For the old Crimson’s strength must yield.
Glory to Dartmouth Glory to Dartmouth, Loyal, we sing. Now, all together, MAKE THE ECHOES RING FOR DARTMOUTH! Our team’s a winner, We’ve got the stuff! We wear the Dartmouth Green And that’s enough! DARTMOUTH, DARTMOUTH, TEAM! The Dartmouth Song by W.B. Segur ’92 & H.R. Wellman ’07 Come fellows, let us raise a song, and sing it loud and clear, Our Alma Mater is our theme, Old Darmouth, loved and dear. (Chorus) Dartmouth! Dartmouth! challenge thus we fling! Dartmouth! Dartmouth! Hear the echoes ring! Thy honor shall be ever dear, Old Dartmouth green without peer, as long as we can give a cheer, For Dartmouth! Wah-hoo-wah. Let every care be now withdrawn, while this our song we raise; From Freshman gay to Senior grave, For Dartmouth and her praise. (Chorus) Whatever battles we may meet, in courage, brawn or brain, The world will never have to call, On Dartmouth men in vain. (Chorus) They name we’ll cherish all our lives, Thy honor we’ll hold up! And wish that we were back again, Within they classic fold. (Chorus) Dartmouth Undying by Franklin McDuffee ’21 Dartmouth, there is no music for our singing No words to bear the burden of our praise Yet how can we be silent and remember The splendor and fullness of her days Who can forget her soft September sunsets Who can forget those hours that passed like dreams? The long cool shadows floating on the campus The drifting beauty where the twighlight streams? Who can forget her sharp and misty mornings, The clanging bells, the crunch of feet on snow, Her sparkling noons, the crowding into Commons, The long white afternoons, the twilight glow? See! By the light of many thousand sunsets, Dartmouth Undying, like a vision starts. Dartmouth, the gleaming, dreaming walls of Dartmouth, Miraculously builded in our hearts.
16 Monday – September 19, 2016
The Dartmouth Review
THE LAST WORD GORDON HAFF’S
COMPILED BY MARCUS J. THOMPSON
“You have to be a man before you can be a gentleman.” – –John Wayne “A man is one whose body has been trained to be the ready servant of his mind; whose passions are trained to be the servants of his will; who enjoys the beautiful, loves truth, hates wrong, loves to do good, and respects others as himself.” -John Ruskin “It’s war that makes generals”
–Seth Godin
“Virtually every tribe in the march towards civilization developed its tailored made initiation practices. In America, sports are part of the test for a young man’s initiation into manhood.” -Kilroy J. Oldster “I was Born a Heathen and Brought up In Heathenism, till I was between 16 & 17 years of age, at a Place Calld Mohegan, in New London, Connecticut, in New England.” -Samson Occom “It is, Sir, as I have said, a small College, And yet, there are those who love it.” -Samson Occom “At Dartmouth, we make you into a man by allowing you to remain a boy.” -John Dickey “Here in New England, the character is strong and unshakable.” -Norman Rockwell
“Some Ministers began to visit us and Preach the Word of God; and the Common People all Came frequently and exhorted us to the things of God, which it pleased the Lord, as I humbly hope, to Bless and accompany with Divine Influence to the Conviction and Saving Conversion of a Number of us; amongst whom I was one that was Imprest with the things we had heard.” -Samson Occom “New England has a harsh climate, a barren soil, a rough and stormy coast, and yet we love it, even with a love passing that of dwellers in more favored regions.” -Henry Cabot Lodge “Because there is very little honor left in American life, there is a certain built-in tendency to destroy masculinity in American men.” -Norman Mailer “We do not admire the man of timid peace. We admire the man who embodies victorious effort; the man who never wrongs his neighbor, who is prompt to help a friend, but who has those virile qualities necessary to win in the stern strife of actual life.” -Theodore Roosevelt “Without an adversary, virtus shrivels. We see how great and how viable virtus is when, by endurance, it shows what it is capable of.” -Seneca “If unwilling to rise in the morning, say to thyself, ‘I awake to do the work of a man.’” -Marcus Aurelius
BARRETT’S MIXOLOGY
“Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. “Being an adult means accepting those situations where no action is possible.” -John D. MacDonald “Yet there be certain times in a young man’s life, when, through great sorrow or sin, all the boy in him is burnt and seared away so that he passes at one step to the more sorrowful state of manhood” -Rudyard Kipling “You can’t just be. You have to become.” -Dominic Riccitello “Here is the manliness of manhood, that a man has a good reason for what he does, and has a will in doing it.” -Alexander MacLaren “A man’s got to have a code, a creed to live by, no matter his job.” -John Wayne “The monsters were never under our bed, but in the forest our future.” -Crystal Woods “For me, The Dartmouth Review embodied the Dartmouth spirit: A hard-working and highly intellectually stimulating atmosphere that nonetheless always found time for barbecues, cocktails, and croquet..” –Thomas “Harry” Camp
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The Worst Mixo Ever Ingredients
• 2 parts someone else’s vodka • 1 part salty tears of fratless living • 1 case of warm, cheap beer
It’s day 12 and morale is running low. Rations, scarce to begin with, are severely depleted. There is rumor of plenty over in the Choates, but distance, darkness, and roving bands of S&S officers, identifiable only by their reflective bike uniforms in the night, make the journey far too treacherous for all but the bravest and most desperate of freshmen. Word is trickling in over Snapchat and other such forms of millennial communication that elsewhere across the country there are beacons of light far from this desolate frontier in the mountains of New Hampshire. Friends and compatriots in colleges and universities across the country spend their Friday and Saturday nights engulfed in the warm embrace of Bud Light and Jim Beam, but here, here we are left only the cold nothingness of House community gelato, which though delicious, fails to truly fire the soul with the same vigor of a well—or even poorly mixed drink. Suddenly, an opening! Hope on the horizon in the form of a simple text message: “Lit in the fays. Come thru.” After many flights of steps, and a dogged, frenzied search for the correct room number the promised land is reached. Three knocks. Silence. A door unlocks- and reminiscent of an old Chicago speakeasy cracks open the smallest amount and then, after a pause, swings wide open. Alas! The promised land! A pregame! Yet there is no game. There is nowhere to go after this. Only desolation, the Mowglis and endless awkward House community socials. Through the dormitory window, campus spreads out, dark, empty, closed to us lowly freshmen. Luckily there’s a plastic handle of cheap vodka to help us forget, shotglasses for everyone—provided we share, and a backpack full of warm beer, which along with our salty tears might help cut the taste of Stoli as we bide our time. If we don’t make it past homecoming, inexplicably late this year and extending the ban to 7 weeks I ask one thing of you—dear 17s, 18s, and 19s. Remember our plight and take pity on those poor wretched, housebound souls of next year’s worst class ever.
— Keg Norman