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For a while I couldn’t say divorce without crying. I associated so much guilt with the word and I was ashamed to utter it in front of strangers. My whole life I had spent searching out and mastering every task I was given, but now I felt that I had failed in the most significant role I had, wife and mother. I was at risk of letting the demise of my marriage erode my confidence and conviction in the other areas of my life where I was, and I remain, a success; my role as a mother, friend, mentor, coworker, fierce advocate, and perpetual student-of-life. So I set about rebuilding and trying to get a handle on this new unscripted life for me and my now family of three.
Rebuilding
I threw myself into training for marathons in what I believed to be a lessthan-obvious escape from the pain. Eventually, I stopped running and dealt with reconstructing what was left of my perfect little life in this perfect little town. After holding a ridiculously large mortgage over my head for far too long, to secure the family home to maintain stability, I finally sold the property and bought a more sensible cottage for my children and me. The children had nightmares and struggled, although I moved just a few blocks away and kept them in the same school. After the house was sold, I began interviewing for a new position after 13 years at my firm. I joke that the only thing I didn’t change during this short time was my hair color. It’s 6:30 a.m. on a chilly beach morning and Ema is putting her new earrings on from Claire’s, and Jacob is putting two different socks and shoes on. Jacob is going through a mismatch stage. I am convinced that his teacher believes I don’t own one pair of matched shoes or socks or that I have a severe allergy to laundry. In a charcoal suit, full make-up and heels I am funneling wet dog food into a dog dish. It globs into the dog dish with a slush, and I pause to think why is it my dogs beg for this, as if I am handing them the world. Then
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