PROLOGUE Life can be a bit funny sometimes, can’t it? One minute everything seems like it’s going exactly how you’ve planned it, and the next moment your world can be turned completely upside down. Don’t get me wrong life isn’t always that way but when it is, it really changes your outlook on a lot of things. For me, it was all the fault of an awful addiction- gambling. This is my story…
REALIZATIONS I was really young when I first met Jackson, in fact, we went to school together so I guess you could say we were high school sweethearts. Mind you that was back when life seemed simple, and perhaps I was a bit naïve now that I look back at things. I remember when I was about 14 or 15 I used to tell my mom that I couldn’t wait until I grew up and could live on my own and not have to answer to my parents. One time she told me that, I was in too much of a hurry to want to grow up and that one day when I would wish that I was back at home in my “
living my comfortable childhood life.” You know what, she was right. I do wish my life was as simple as it was when I was a kid; I had no real problems. The only issue I had then was the stress of studying for exams. I wish I had spent more time enjoying my youth and living in the moment rather than being in such a hurry to become an adult, but then again what teenager doesn’t do that? Jackson and I were inseparable; we were always together. When I wasn’t studying or doing homework I was with Jackson; we were just friends in
the beginning because I was a bit timid and my parents didn’t really want me to date, even though they really liked him. However; it was just a matter of time before the inevitable happened. I soon started developing these feelings for him; you know that puppy love kind of feeling you get when you’re a teenager and your hormones are racing with madness. Thankfully he felt the same, but he didn’t show how he felt for quite some time. Finally, one day he finally came to his senses, and we became a couple. We stayed together for years, through the thick and
thin, but things turned horrid because of his addiction. LOVE Relationships are rather challenging especially when you’re in a long-distance one. After high school, Jackson and I went to different Universities miles away from each other. It was touch and go at times, but we made it work because we loved one another so much. Eventually, after school, we moved to the city and got our first place together. We both had good paying jobs in our educated fields; life was pretty good at the time or so it
seemed. After a while, we had a son, our one and only child, Adam. I can remember thinking how perfect things were in my career, my marriage and now in motherhood. But things soon after started to change. I’m not sure exactly when I noticed a shift in Jackson’s behavior which probably doesn’t sound good considering he was my spouse and I should have picked up on the little things that were different about the man I was in love with- perhaps I was in denial, I’m not sure. I do know though that in any relationship that I have in the
future I’ll be a lot more observant that’s for sure. It’s weird how when something drastic happens in your life, how years later you look back at it and try to depict everything that happened. In an attempt to figure out what went wrong, you slowly piece together all of the little things. However; in saying that, there isn’t too much you can do about it after the fact, now is there? But still, we do this, perhaps it’s something that’s built or programmed into us that in a way torments our minds over and over again. I wracked my mind so much,
with how I missed the signs of Jackson’s addiction, it was nonstop! I think if I had to pinpoint when I noticed something it was probably about six months after he started his job at the law firm, but it wasn’t a big enough change for me to do or say anything. DESTRUCTION I can remember quite well, how excited Jackson was about his first “big” case he didn’t really talk too much about it, other than the fact that it had to do with some embezzlement scheme. I thought he was working too hard and a bit
fixated on the whole thing. He swore to me that he just had to work overtime to make a name for himself at the firm, but I secretly wondered if that was 100% true or if it was something else but I never said anything. Sometimes I think that perhaps if I would have asked him then if something was going on if it would have changed the outcome of our future together. However; in saying that, I now know what an ugly addiction gambling is, and I doubt that my commenting on odd behavior would have altered how he felt or thought about the things he
was doing, but I’ll never know, now will I? All these strange things started happening and one time, in particular, was when I was in labor with our son Adam. For the life of me, I couldn’t reach Jackson, and I figured he was at work, my sister thankfully was with me. Otherwise, I probably would have freaked out even more than I did. Here I was about to give birth to our child, I was young and scared, and I couldn’t reach my husband. I had no idea at the time, but when the truth finally came out years later, I found out that while I was in labor, being
rushed to the hospital, he was sitting in a casino, spending our money. At the time, I just assumed he was in court, or at the office, so once again I said nothing. Mind you I was overjoyed with the whole birthing process and seeing our son for the first time, even if I had known, I most likely wouldn’t have said anything. LIES The first year of my son’s life was absolutely incredible, watching him grow into this amazing little being was like no other experience. I had just wished that Jackson had been
around more often to see and experience the same things I had when it came to our son. He was always working at the office putting in a lot of hours, or at least, that’s what he convinced me that he was doing. Around Adam’s first birthday I went to our bank to take some money out for his birthday party, and I found that there were thousands of dollars missing that was unaccounted for. Silly me, I thought the bank had made a mistake, so I went to the teller and to my surprise they handed me a bank record of all our recent transactions, and that’s when I seen that
Jackson had been taking money out, without telling me. I was really hurt, and I still didn’t really say anything. I was in denial, I thought that if I just ignored it, the problem would go away, and I was right, well…kind of. About a week later, I went to make a deposit on our account, and the $30,000 that was previously missing appeared back into our account. I said nothing. I often wondered, what was going on, where was this money going and how did it just “magically” reappear. There
were just so many things that made me question what was going on. He was just so different; it felt like the man I once knew was slowly slipping away before my very eyes. He would wake up in the morning very early to help me with Adam and then leave abruptly. He seemed so anxious all the time, and his behavior was always up and down, and I wasn’t sure why. He came home late all the time, at all hours of the night. Then there was the money, and still even with all of these signs I said nothing for a very long time
until one day the truth came out. BLAME I’ve always found myself to be somewhat of an introvert, ever since I was a child I was quiet. If something happens in my life, I have always tended just to let it roll off of my back and not say anything, regardless of how much it may have bothered me. I have to admit, that I’m a bit naïve, in the way that I believed everything my husband ever told me, and why wouldn’t I? He was my partner, my bestfriend, my everything. Perhaps that’s why all of his lies and
deceit were so hard for me to bare. I‘ve always believed that if you love someone you share everything with them, your triumphs, your struggleseverything. One afternoon George, Jackson's boss called to see if he was feeling okay. I found it so strange because to my knowledge Jackson was at work but according to his boss he left feeling really sick. I, of course, was frantic because I thought something terrible had happened to him. I even called our doctor’s office to see if he was there; he wasn’t. That night the truth came out, and not
because he finally decided to be “honest “with me, but because I caught him in his lie. I was absolutely mortified when he told me that he had been unfaithful to me. It made sense; it explained the late nights, the odd behavior but even so it still wasn’t the real truth. I told him to leave the house immediately because I couldn’t even stand the sight of him. It wasn’t until much later on that he explained to me that he had a mistress, but it turned out that this mistress wasn’t another woman. He told me he was always faithful to me, but his mistress was something much
worse and much more expensive than a fling could ever be. It was a gambling addiction, and he told me that he was finally getting help for this problem. I could see the hurt in his eyes when after all of these years he was keeping this awful secret from me, and I could only imagine how hard it was for him, keeping the secret from himself. But for me, I was completely floored, there he was telling me about his addiction, one that he's had for years, and this was the first time I heard about it. Words can't even begin to express how I felt.
REPARATION After he had left that evening, I went from feeling sorry for him to being enraged with him. How could he have kept this terrible thing from me? We had been together since we were kids and I just didn’t understand how he could hurt me like this. How could he ruin our family all for some stupid game? I just didn’t get it, to me I felt like it was a form of weakness. I was so disappointed in him because I always looked at him at being this strong-minded man, who could do anything. A provider, a
loving husband, and father. Then I find out he’s been a gambler for years and worse than that- a liar. How could I ever get past this betrayal, I just didn’t know how we would ever be able to have a relationship again. I wasn’t entirely sure that, was what I wanted, all I knew was that we needed help. Counseling was the only thing that I could come up with that could potentially save us and our marriage. So, we finally did but to me, it turned into a counseling session about his addiction and not so much about our relationship. Our therapist seemed to be more
on his side then on “ours”. Well, it seemed like that at the time, but I think it was just me not really understanding what addiction actually meant. It was a lot extensive than I ever knew. To my knowledge, up until that point, I always thought of a gambling addiction as someone that succumbed to a game and couldn’t stop playing. I didn’t realize how in depth it could be. Like I said I just thought it was a form of weakness, but the reality is it’s really like a disease that takes over your mind, and body. I could only imagine what it was like for him; I could see the hurt
on his face, and in his eyes as we sat in these counseling sessions but still I couldn’t get past the fact that he did this to our family whether it was intentional or not. COPING I’ve learned over time how awful it is for someone with a gambling addiction, but even more so how terrible it can be to be on the other side of addiction. That side is the side of a spouse, and it has destroyed my life. I used to be happy; I thought my life was perfect. Then one day it was destroyed by this sickness, this
disgusting disease. I know that probably sounds bitter, but I guess I am still bitter even though so much time has passed. Having your life turned completely upside down does that to a person. With that being said, I have learned a lot about me and my life and what I want out of it. I’ve learned to work through the pain that Jackson caused our family, and I know now that as much as I wanted to blame him, it wasn’t entirely his fault. I know that sometimes, things happen, and we do things out of character and in his case that was the first
day he walked into a casino for the first time. He once told me when we were in counseling that he compared his addiction to gambling to that of one like cocaine. He always was waiting for that next "high. “If he wasn’t gambling he was thinking about it, it literally took over his mind and overall well-being. I felt so ashamed not just ashamed of him but myself. I remember when the word got out, and my friends discovered he had a dependency to gambling, it was embarrassing, to say the least. My friend Janet once asked me how I couldn’t have known,
“didn’t you check your bank accounts, and didn’t you notice anything out of the ordinary”? She would say. Well, this made me feel even worse and I felt, even more, foolish than I already did. After that, for a long time, I ended up avoiding people in general, the only time I left the house was when I took my son to school or get groceries, but other than that I stayed inside for fear of being humiliated again. CURVES The best advice that I can give anyone who has a spouse with a gambling addiction is that it’s
okay for you to feel the way that you do, your feelings are justified. It’s not all about the gambler; it’s about you too. Addictions affect the lives of so many people, whether you're the addicted person, the spouse, child, friend or even employee. It no doubt disrupts lives. All of the anger, disappointment, sadness, and humiliation that you feel is completely normal. The most important thing to remember is that no matter how bad things get, you need to talk to someone whether it’s a counselor, a friend or a coworker. I wish that I would have
talked to anyone, so try not to let shame stand in your way, you need help too. I’ve compiled a list of things that I’ve learned over the years that I hope will help you deal with everything that you may be going through. 1. Look for the warning signs, they usually consist of erratic behavior like uncommon mood swings, restless and become easily bored 2. Secretive behavior 3. Coming and going at all hours
4. Money problems 5. Lying I made a mistake, and that was that when I finally figured out that something was going on, I assumed it was Jackson having an affair and demanded that he leave the house. In hindsight what I should have done was that I should have been more assertive and listened to what he was really saying, and I should have asked questions. However; I just assumed what I thought was the worse at the time. I think that looking back on things I would have been more forgiving if his affair would have actually been with a
woman rather than a casino. I think it would have caused less damage. I know it definitely wouldn’t have put us in so much debt that we almost lost the house. But it’s not all about the money, it’s about dishonesty. WISDOM I tried to forgive Jackson, I really did. I wanted so badly for us to work on things so we could get our family back to how it once was. However; as time passed and we were getting help in our counseling sessions I soon realized that even if I could forgive him that this wasn’t
what I wanted anymore. I knew that in the back of my mind I would always have doubts about him, and that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us in the long run. So, I did what I thought was best for both of us, and I told him I loved him and only wanted what was best for him, but I wanted a divorce. It turned out to be the best decision I could have ever made. Jackson has since gotten help and the last time we spoke he seems to be on the right path, he seems happy for the first time in a long time. For me, well I’m back working in the dental practice, and I started a
group for spouses of gambling addicts. At first, the group was just me and one other woman, and now we have twenty regulars. We meet once a week and talk about anything that’s on our minds; it doesn’t always have to be related to the effects of gambling, though. It’s really a safe place for people to talk about whatever is troubling them. I also think that I'm finally ready to start dating again after all these years. Life is a learning curve; it has so many ups and downs and kinks along the way. I used to think those kinks were the roughest parts of life, but now I look at
them as being part of a road to self-awareness and improvement. I hope that in reading my story that you take away the most important parts that stick out to you, ones that you perhaps can relate to, and that can help you in your recovery.