Cuss June 2011

JUNE 2011

WE SPEND THE MORNING IN JEPPESTOWN GETTING TO KNOW THE MAN IN BLACK

EDITORIAL

Organically changing from issue to issue, the zine has strongly influenced the way we’ve seen the present, and the way we want to represent it. the focus so far has always been about broadcasting our world as we see it, and through this months instalment, elements of that materialised with ‘Tshepang and the city’ (page 4), a socially styled editorial serving as a homage to the shops that clothed kwaito and the people that saw south african culture and embraced it. Cultural diversity revisited in another story titled ‘The future’ (page 14), a piece by Jana + Koos dealing with spiritual diviners and our personal quests for forthcomings. Other taboos featured, specific to traditional zulu culture are brought to the surface by Jamal Nxedlanas performance, ‘Imbala yocasini’ (page 18) the stills displaying the arrangement of bodies emphasises the lack of discourse on a social level which sometime exacerbate situations. this is the dialogue that cuss aims to promote. we at cuss hope your action speaks louder.

Cuss team

CREDITS EDITORIAL & CREATIVE DIRECTION: Jamal Nxedlana, Ravi Govender ART DIRECTION & DESIGN: Zamani Xolo

CONTRIBUTORS

Layla Leiman words. tshepang and the city

Richard De Jager a retrospective in stills

Nikki Comninos video, runway to heaven

Jana & Koos submission, the future

Sanele Xolo Art Direction

on location: cuss june 2011, cover shoot

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CONTENTS

DRUMMING ON ABOUT THE PAST AT CITY HALL NOSTALGIA, ALL-PANTSULA CLASSICS THE GREAT BRAND OF ALASKA AND TSHEPANG FROM BLK JKS

submissions The Day of Rapture passed.

Now what? and more importantly, how does it affect business?

IMIBALA YOCANSI VANSA Western Cape

On the cover.

Dagicorp kitchen suit - R150 Strachen beanie - R80 Converce Pro Star - R300

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COVER STORY

TSHEPANG AND THE

DRUMMER HIGH ROLLER LOVED BY ALL ESPECIALLY WOMAN

WORDS. LAYLA LEIMAN PHOTOS. JUSTIN MGGEE

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Durbeg jacket - R895, Aliport sneakers R500, Jane Alexander - R350, Woolrich Classic cap - R250, all items available at City Hall – – CUSS JUNE 2011

COVER STORY

9am quickly becoming midday.

We’re waiting for tshepang to arrive, even though we’re

standing outside his building. Apparently he’s in the shower.

Almost an hour later he drives passed us, waves and carries

on driving. Where the hell is he going? For breakfast someone says. We carry on waiting.

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Alaska overall - R270 Alaska basket hat - R80

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COVER STORY

INSIDE CITY HALL Tshepang is nonchalant, waiting. His eye catches a stand of bright-patent coloured loafers. “Porsche design” he says, “These are the shoes we used to wear in the hood back in the days”. He taps them affectionately, reminiscing ”Amapeanuts, RM” he says pointing at the label on the back.

“Eish, do you have some black patent ones?” he asks no one in particular. Jam and Ravi have started their stylistic consulting, black jacket or print? Two-tone alligator golfer shoe or black leather sneaker? The process is organic, happening in the moment in relation to the merchandise.

Tshepang makes his own enquires about black berets.

Finding a hat that’ll fit over the cycad that is his hair is a problem. He shrugs sympathetically. Finally a flannel lumberjack flattop is balanced precariously on top like a maraschino cherry. It works.

Tshepang walks out of the telephone booth cum change room transformed into a swaggering gentleman. He hoists the trousers up even higher than they naturally sit, does a Madiba-esque shuffle dance and pompously says “Ah Jamal, go and fetch my wife at the airport, I took her on holiday to Mauritius. You can take the Benz”. Tshepang is completely natural in the outfit; just another suave gentleman in Jeppestown on a Saturday morning trying on a few casual looks.

CITY OUTFITTERS I Tshepang stands and waits while the styling consultation process is repeated. A two-piece Dajicorp kitchen suit (on the cover) is chosen. The shop is small and busy. Everyone’s in everyone else’s way. Two guys are picking up and scrutinizing different pairs of sneakers. “Check these guys” Tshepang says, “they’re real Pantsula”. He shakes their hands, laughing. Do they know who he is? Do they care? It doesn’t seem like it, they’re interested in one thing only – sneakers.

Tshepang disappears to change, and comes out, his black painted fingernails do strangely complement the black silky two-piece. He remains unconvinced. They go shoot down the street, in the middle of the road. This is Tshepang’s neighbourhood, his streets. He’s completely at home here, on location and in front of the camera. He switches in and out of character seamlessly. Pointing his painted fingers at the camera, slouching casually, moving amongst the people who watch on and wonder who he is. He’s sure of himself, confident, relaxed, easy to work with.

CITY OUTFITTERS II For the final look, red Alaska jump suit, yellow hat and Vans sneakers, Tshepang morphs into yet another character. This time he’s Ryu from Street Fighter, shooting invisible fireballs into Justin’s camera lens. These characters are comprised in part by the outfits and part from his own performance character.

It’s a wrap. Tshepang disappears without a trace.

We disperse back the way we came.

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COVER STORY

FAMILY SHOPPING City Hall on McIntyre Street in Jeppestown.

A

bdul (pictured above), our inside man, tells me that his grandfather started the store in 1931 when the family immigrated to South Africa. Things were different then, his grandfather had to get special permission as an Indian to trade and live in the area. He tells me that the store began as a general dealer, selling necessities to the local community. Sometime along the way it morphed into a specialized exclusive gentleman’s outfitters and imported US brogues, Panama and Stetson hats, and pleated trousers replaced the paraffin, vegetables and home supplies. “You see in my father’s day, men dressed up” he tells me, “even if they were coming home from the mines on a Friday night, they’d go home and get dressed up for the weekend”. Today, three generations later, City Hall sells the same niche lifestyle apparel, steeped in nostalgia for trout fishing, polo and golf. “We’re not like any other store,” Abdul assures me, “we sell one of a kind American Classic originals. Those in the know, know where to find us. We try to keep it that way”. A smatter of elitism? Definitely, but congruously so. The exclusive product range caters to the very discerning gentleman, with expensive taste and a somewhat flamboyant panache.

The store’s an institution, in the area and in the country. It’s a time warp that transports you back to a time that never existed.

But that is the point, it’s the nostalgic idea that is important, and what City Hall customers have been buying into for the past 6 decades. The shop is a living archive of these bygone eras, with cash registers, typewriters and coffee machines dating back across the spectrum of decades. Abdul is proactive about the past; things must be recorded and collected, he believes, so that a legacy remains. He has been compiling a collection of classic sneakers for his children, like his father did for him. “Maybe they’ll appreciate it one day, like I did” he says. He has also been recording the history of the store, right back to the original trade agreements.

He frames these records, and either displays them in the shop or retires them to his private study. The history of the store runs parallel to the family’s history, tracing a dual story.

Next-door City Hall is City Outfitters, the sister store which caters specifically to the Pantsula market. The shop’s small, jampacked with brightly coloured merchandise. There are too many things to look at; it’s a sensory overload. Just up the road is City Outfitters 2, with a Converse sneaker chandelier hanging from the turquoise pressed iron ceiling, apparently made by Abdul in his youth. This is the sister-sister shop and spill over. Like the mother store, the City Outfitters shops have their own specific look and reputation. During the 90s, City Outfitters’ in-house brand Alaska clothed kwaito. The brand fed the craving that young Panstulas had for American work-wear style. ‘Alaska’ became adopted as the name of a Kwaito outfit, the members all having worn the brand before forming the group. The bright colours and US low-fashion flavour of the brand established an entire scene in Johannesburg.

Jeppestown, City Outfitters was where you shopped if you were in on that scene. Today, not too much has changed. It’s still the place people come for their Converse, Vans, Dickies, whatever, because they know that City is the place with the freshest stock.

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FASHION

WELCOME TO JEPPESTOWN PANTSULA CULTURE IN THE PRECINCT

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SUBMISSSION

THE FUTURE WORDS & PHOTOS. JANA HAMMAN & KOOS GROENEWALD

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I

t’s probably appropriate to start by saying that both of us are, and always have been quite cynical, pragamatic, no bullshit kind of individuals. We work in the advertising, design and ideas industries (yes, there is such a thing), and we’re busy people, which doesn’t leave much time for fairies, spirit guides, chakras and aura’s, or ‘the other side’ in general. Maybe, as Afrikaners, this has something to do with the bitter taste that 9 or so years of NG Kerk sondagskool ‘leer die boeke van die bybel voorentoe en agtertoe en onderstebo en se dit hardop vir die res van die klas’ left in our mouths. Maybe we’re just too busy dealing with the here and now and the ongoing effort to get rich (or die trying). We’re like the magicians of the creative industry; the ones that shape beliefs and make the magic, and subsequently the ones who control what happens behind the scenes and know that it’s all just smoke and mirrors. So, when we started asking around about psychics, sangoma’s, tarot and palm readers and the likes, understandably we were met with shock, surprise and a whole lot of confusion. ‘Have you guys lost the plot?’, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’ or ‘nee sies man dis duiwelsdinge daai’ were some of the responses. We consider ourselves to be open minded, and we bore very easily, so we thrive on challenging ourselves and our convictions, and having recently started our own company we thought it would be an interesting project to ‘see what lies in our stars’, so to speak. So off we went. To see a soul psychologist and psychic, a sangoma, a three in one crystal tarot and number reader, and aura chakra analyst/ therapist.

MICHELLE SOUL PSYCHOLOGIST AND PSYCHIC First we’re off to visit a psychic in Northriding, not technically in JHB, more like the Lost City, (very far away and hard to find). Michelle is waiting for us when we arrive. “Haaaaaai guuuuuys! Did you find it alright?” No not really, but here we are. She specialises in seeing people’s auras and connecting with her clients on spiritual soul issues, and she does this in her healing room, which is a room with a teal couch, a mesmerising painting of a woman with, well, spiritual-like things around her on the wall and a large array of crystals and a pile of notes protected by a Buddha. We sit and talk shit on the couch for a little while asking questions about how seeing auras actually works. Can you switch it off? Does it change colour? And can you see someones aura if they are hiding from you, like in a grocery store for instance? No, yes, yes and she can make a spiritual connection over the phone, or on radio and does so often. Impressive. But enough small talk. Michelle suddenly looks over to Koos, with wide open unblinking eyes. She’s looking at him, but not directly in his eyes, more like through him. We’re not really sure what is going on as the silence and staring continues. Tell me, she says, do you like music?

KOOS Uhm yes, he likes music. Doesn’t everyone? No, she says, I mean do you ‘really’ like music? There is a lot of sound around you. It’s also your healing power, it calms you. Michelle grows excited as she examines Koos. You little shit! You’re an indigo child! Very difficult, and full of shit. Is he moody, Jana? Jana laughs and nods her head profusely, finally some proof. She had always put it down to him being a Gemini. “Yes indigo”, she repeats, but also some elemental. This means that you’re an indigo (from the stars) and touch of elemental (from the forests). You indigo’s like to do things your own way and you possess an intelligence that can’t be quantified in a classroom. Lateral thinkers. Still a little unsure of what is going on, this does confirm Koos’ deep rooted belief that he is indeed a genius. It seems fortune telling and ego stroking go hand in hand. But wait don’t be too happy with yourself. Your heart space is very closed, you know. You don’t let anyone in, and you need to open up. You need to make yourself more accessible in the heart space. When you keep changing your mind like that, you are very hard for us girls to read, and it hurts us. So stop with your mind games. Okay... Koos says, although that felt a lot like a backhanded compliment. Do you like football?. No. Michelle is seeing red and white. England? He’d recently been. She’s seeing a name. Bennn, Benji, Brian...Benjamin? Does that ring any bell. Benjamin? Nope, no one that he can think of. That’s interesting, maybe it’s the name of your child, you should look out for that name in your future. There’s more staring and silence. Jana and Koos try hard not to look at each other. Michelle starts talking, still fascinated by Koos’ aura. Your new cycle is coming up. You’ve been exploring a lot of creative avenues and the next four to six years is about you mastering one of them. Your great ability is art-directing or design. Is that right? Atmospheric design. She sees a piece of art, it’s funky and busy, black and white faces, with splashes of red here and there.

Apparently Koos is far more talented than even he realises (and he thinks he’s pretty talented). There’s lots of success waiting for you and your input is very valuable.

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Yes, he nods, he thinks so. And then the last thing that she has to add is that she can see Koos has a higher spiritual knowledge. Even though he doesn’t know this. It’s a higher consciousness way of thinking. You see things differently, spiritually-with foresight and insight. You must start engaging and activating, you have to wake up dude! Ok cool, got it. Lets move on to Jana.

JANA Jana sits next to Michelle on the couch gets the full blown stare up close. It takes some time to pin down the exact colour of Jana’s massive aura, but finally we learn that she is a violet baby. Witchy and maverick and very good at manifesting when they set their minds to something, but runs the risk of focusing and manifesting on fears with some very unproductive results. Do you like animals? Not reaal....maybe? says Jana. Not like I would want to become a vet, but ja, maybe. Horses? Oh hell no! not horses (she really doesn’t like horses). You need to spend more time with them and get back to grassroots, as well as nature. Holy shit! Wait what is that?! Michelle is transfixed by a something and moves right up close to Jana who is not sure what to do with herself. I’ve never seen that colour in an aura before. It’s like a bright-yellowgreen-lime luminescence. What is that? Shit! You know what! Its innocence! There’s a childlike innocence about you. Koos loses the battle to try and keep the snot from laugh-squirting out of his nose. There’s more chance that the yellow luminosity is some remnant of a shroom induced coma from the game farm weekend than any innocence. But this is the spiritual, not the physical, he gets told. Fine, lets wipe the snot off the camera and move on. Furthermore Jana is of the type that carries energy in body weight. Michelle asks her if she ever finds that she gains a lot of wait around the stomach area. Yes, she laughs, when I eat too many burgers. Michelle is distracted by the aura and gives no response. Look out for when you put on weight. You have to be physical. Your body is energy sensitive and this is the reason why it fluctuates. Your giving and receiving isn’t balanced. Cardio is good for you, and will also ground you. Jana also has a guardian called Rose who sits high up above her channel and who is there to guide her creativity. Reconnect with her, she has a strong sense of divine feminine power and she is very warm but hard when she needs to be. She wants to help you receive creative ideas and guide you through business decisions and ideas. You need to call on her for this. Ok? Okay. Both Jana and Koos struggle to imagine Jana praying bedside to her personal jesus called Rose but now there’s no laughter. This is the serious part of the reading.

When asked about our compatibility to work together and function as a company, Michelle seems to think that energy wise we are definitely compatible although we might bump heads and step on each others toes at times. It’s very important for us to have the right systems in place so that we don’t get screwed over by people stealing our ideas. If anyone of the two would leave, it would be Koos. He will get the moer-in and bugger off. Interesting. She also sees a short vibey young black girl who functions as a bridge into markets and people for us to work with. We can’t think of anyone who is doing that right now. But if you are, or if you want to be that person for us, please send us a mail.

MARTHA SANGOMA One nge-R120, two for R240 and the man goes first.

This is important.

We have to take our shoes off before entering the back of the zulu chemist shop. Martha has built herself a little

cavern behind an old shoe shop counter. She has removed one of the little drawers and uses this a peephole to see who enters. This is how we meet her, as an ominous voice bellowing with a cough from nowhere, greeting two white kids entering a traditional medicine shop with rows of potions that, some of which will ‘give any woman a strength for sex’. We pay upfront, mostly because we’re nervous, and don’t really know what to say in this situation. But Martha is cool as she tells us to sit down on her matt across from a little shrine built from candles, beer bottles, alcohol bottles filled with a brown solution, newspaper clippings featuring her, and a Nokia cellphone on top of its original box.

The first thing you realise is that this isn’t your GP and that this process can’t be rushed. It’s a process to get connected to the forefathers and everything relies on this. We are connected to the past as we are to the future and can not have the one without the other. In our collective memory the order of the process runs as follows: a bowl with some kind of grass is lit in the middle of the floor, a pipe is smoked with some more herbs unknown to us but with the vague smell of kakibos, the smoke from the pot is taken into the ears one at a time, about four minutes of chanting (at which point our laerskool habits kicked in and we automatically closed our eyes as if in prayer), a tablespoon full of snuff in one nostril (enough to make a grown man pass out, we’re sure) and a final warning that her voice might change to an old man’s.

Jana is freaked out as Koos tries hard not to be. As sy soos ‘n ou man begin praat fokof ek sommer sonder my skoene hier uit, she whispers nervously. And off we go. A springbokvel bag is handed over for us to blow into, hit four times on the chest, once on each knee and once on each footpoint which we assume is the ankle. The bones are ready to be thrown.

KOOS Now regardless of how much you know about cold reading and believe that you don’t believe in anything, when someone who doesn’t know you from a bar of soap throws an assorted bag of bones, dominos, coins, shells and stones on the floor and tells you something that only you know about yourself, you can’t help but shit yourself just a little. And so we learn that Koos likes drinking. That he drinks too much and that this is making him tired. He also likes money a lot and that he has a tendancy to eat his money. The first of many Martha’isms that take some repetition to get true meaning of. There are pains in the body, specifically the lower back and all this thinking and working so hard in the brain is poisoning the blood, causing the blood clots that Koos has been un aware of until this moment. But all in all the first throw of the bones are good. The black dominos, the grandparents from the father side, are behind and close by. Also near are the white dominos, from the mother side. Less close, but not far away. The dirty shadows are behind, and have no intention to go into the future. Good, good, good. Look all the bones are open. And they are putting the bad things far away.

Far behind. Two shells lying on top of each other indicate good luck to be held in the hand, but with the warning that one must look after oneself. Success and wealth it seems are in the bones, and there is good possibility of becoming a millionaire in the next three years. But again, accompanied by the warning of not succumbing to the urges of the drink and eating of your money.

Just work hard in little bits. Not too much at once. You must love your money and your money will love you back.

The next throw is the throw of love. This is troublesome though. The heart is closed she says. You must make your heart open to love and not be so scared. Scared? No not scared, you mustn’t be so just this way or that way with girls. She points to four shiny little bones indicates the choice of four girls. Are they all pretty? How do you choose? With a long metal rod and ball Martha points to one little bone amongst the jumble. You must choose the one with nice inside. The one who makes a point when she talks. Telling you to do good things. And not to help

you spend money on disco’s and drinking. One who can look after your stuff. Some more good news then. But not without the customary warning. This isn’t going to happen soon. Maybe only in three years time. Not to worry though she says, you are a real man. Not sommer just a pgggfft man. I can see this clearly. It’s hard not to feel slightly smug about that.

JANA Being a woman, Jana goes second. She takes her place on the mat and yawns. This isn’t a quick process as once again the smoking and the sniffing and the listening to the smoke takes place.

Luckily for Jana, no voices of old men have manifested. Where do you want to go? I want travel, says Jana. Yes I can see this. You are here and there. You will go all over the world, but this is good because you will have house here and overseas. I can’t tell you where, but it will be overseas. This is a good start, go on.

More good news follows as the scattered bones, for the untrained eye a bad sign, reveals a lone little rock that has rolled all the way to Jana’s leg. Ooooh this is very good, do you see that diamond? Uhm yes, do you mean this little purple crystal thing. Yes, the diamond. You will be very rich. Jana’s cynicism starts to wane. As a silence falls over the shop, Martha looks through her peephole and asks her son who appears from nowhere for a glass of water. She tells us that she is not only a Sangoma but also a domestic worker. Because she knows the value of working the little things. Its strange to hear this as we try to imagine our Sangoma doing laundry. But we aren’t given much time to wonder as she looks to the bones and asks why Jana has to fight with her boyfriend so much. You are getting angry a lot lately because he has a short temper and can be a little bit stubborn, but you mustn’t fight with him so much. You love him very much, and he loves you very much but he is very afraid that he will lose you and thinks you will leave him every time we argue. But you don’t like it when he ignores you.

Martha never waits for affirmation. She doesn’t need either of us to confirm what her bones are telling her. Next she looks into the mind and can see that Jana’s mind is never not busy. That she never stops thinking. And that she loses things that aren’t lost, she has just thought about them too much and they are hidden, misplaced in her brain. If anyone has ever met Jana, they’ll know that this a blueprint for her brain. Koos sits in another corner laughing, thinking about all the things of his that have gone missing in Jana’s brain. But there’s no time for jokes.

The bones also say that you like it when people know that you have done something, even if its small.

And you want everyone to know this. Even the whole world. It’s becoming more an more evident that Jana has the urge for worldwide domination. But you have lots of stress now from work. And its in the veins in your neck. You like to just lie down and do nothing, and must do this. This will make your success come. And there is lots of success for you. You must just make your shoes fast. Neither of us have any idea what this means sitting there barefoot in herb smoke with a kombers covering the window. But we like it. We will try our best to make our shoes fast.

In terms of our combined effort and business, the bones look good, she says. See these steps, as she points to a domino and a shell on its side, they will make you go up. At first there will be lots of people, as proven by her rod pointing to a jumble of shit all bunched up, but then you will come out and stop talking and be rich. This sounds good. We spot a huge gap in the steps, but this doesn’t worry her. No, it’s not a gap, and that settles it. Anything that we should be careful of or keep a look out for?, Yes, two short people will come along. One man and one woman. They will seem like they want to guide us. But they want to take our money and fame. That’s all. We think about every short person we know, but she reads this and says No! sternly, not now, in the future! And with that the end of our future.

We get up, put our shoes on and take polaroids with Martha, one for us and one for her.

She laughs as they appear slowly, and says that she has never seen this before. It’s like magic.

She takes the polaroid and puts it next to a picture on the wall of her and ZZ top.

See, she is the official Sangoma of ZZ top. And when they come to Africa, they have their bones read. (It looks a lot like ZZ top, or a guy with a long beard. Either way we are impressed).

INCLU ZZ TO PIECE OF IN YOUR AND SO CALL BANJA

HESTER AURA PHOTOGRAPHY / THERAPIST Hester is Afrikaans, sixty years old but looks fifty five, with four children and nine grandchildren. She’s a therapist and takes pictures of Auras in her spare time as a hobby. Having your

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aura photographed is much like taking a passport photo except that you have to touch a plate with some brass dots on while you think of something that makes you very angry, and then very happy. And Boom! Two minutes later you can see your aura.

JANA Jana goes first for a change. Her Aura is red. Very very red. Deep red is the denomination for her specific aura type. With this photo you get a twenty one page word document that explains your aura to you and helps you understand what’s happening inside and around you.

And so Hester takes a hard look at Jana’s photo and shakes her head a little. “You’re a difficult one aren’t you?” Ooooh you deep reds she says, extremely busy minds “jou koppie raas verskriklik” ,you are prone to anger and rage and throw tantrums. But worst of all you don’t express what you want properly and expect people to understand what you mean, while you think they’re all idiots. Hester doesn’t break eye contact with Jana for a long time before she slowly looks over to Koos for affirmation. Koos is shit scared of Hester and her dreamcatcher around her neck and dutifully agrees although Jana has never thrown a tantrum in her life other than one laugh attack on a roller coaster. The second picture we look at is the different chakra’s starting with one in your crotch, the main ground chakra. Apparently they have to be nicely small and perfectly round. Jana’s isn’t. It more resembles a piece of spookasem. This, Hester says, can be attributed to the fact that Jana is very stressed right now, working on too many projects at once. You can see her aura shows that she is not very energised and is using up her internal battery (none of her chakras are higher than 20%). Ja nee, in desperate need of a holiday. She suggests a simple trick. Write down the things that you need to focus on to get your chakra balance back on a small piece of paper, and put it in your undies (say what?) and carry it around with you. Confusion. Hester thinks for moment and asks whether Jana had anything happen to her around the age of ten? Anything traumatic? Not that I now of, ten is a very long time ago. Hester doesn’t look convinced, like she’s waiting for the admittance of early childhood molestation, and the key to all the troubled people in the world. Hmm.. says Jana. No, still nothing. OK well keep thinking, it might come to you, and with that she pinches Jana in the heart area and says “jy moet regmaak wat hier binne aangaan”. Jana is wracking her brain, but the most traumatic thing that happened to her in her childhood was when her parents lied to the Mike’s Kitchen staff and pretended it was her birthday, leaving a mortified 6 year old blindsided by all the singing and sparklers.

UDING OP, A F PAPER UNDIES OMEONE LED AMIN

KOOS Next it’s Koos’s turn. Who has now been shat on twice by Hester for trying to sneakily take pictures of other people’s aura photos that are pinned on the wall. This is highly frowned upon, and if you ever get this opportunity, don’t take it, Hester is watching you with her minds eye. Koos has to put his hand on the brass ball thing at least four times before it eventually makes a reading. This doesn’t calm Hester’s fears that Koos is a little shit, and she squint her eyes while taking the picture.

Deep green is colour that comes up for this photo. Ooooooh says Hester again. Lekker raaskoppie. How you two get along is a wonder. Koos is as mad as Jana is full of shit. At this point Hester still thinks we’re lovers and feels the need to give us pointers on how to handle each other, sexually, you know. Interesting, yet useless. So the thing about deep greens are that they are: balanced, social, teachers, love people, nature and animals with a strong connection to mother nature and the material world. Also having some healing abilities to channel divine energy. You are a calm focal point in any company, radiating peace, faith and hope. Again fascinating if not completely un-true. But Hester pulls a recognisable card. My seun, you have a blocked heart center and a need for personal healing. There are intense emotions that may have accumulated in your heart and your relationships are straining. You must stop having unusually high expectations in relationships-most which can’t be fulfilled and stop looking to others for qualities you are missing and ultimately find that no one can deliver those qualities except you yourself.

We don’t want to kill the dream for Hester by admitting that we aren’t actually dating, but try to steer her in the business partnership direction, to find out whether we are compatible.

Yes and no, when we argue we need to sit next to each other and address the problem, rather than keeping the problem between eachother and fighting over it. A final tip? Lie down on the grass in a quiet space, imagine you’re holding two milk buckets in each hand, now imagine that a root is growing from your base chakra and going deeper, deeper, deeper into the earth,

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until it can’t anymore and then turns into a little hand that grasps the earth. Now say this: Oh divine spirit I take back the energy that belongs to me and is rightfully mine. You will feel the buckets filling up with spirit juice, as proven by Hester pressing down on both our knees gently. Koos has no idea what the fuck a milk bucket is, and Jana can’t stop thinking about a baby hand growing out of a root, but lying on the grass does seem like a nice idea right about now.

STROLY 3 IN1 CRYSTAL, TAROT & NUMBER DECK READER Last stop is Stroly and her velvet covered table and crystal ball.

She reads cards, tells you your future and little bit more about yourself. We don’t have much money left so we take the 15 minute option for R100, hoping this enough to get some crystal ball action. Jana asks her about her balls, because she has an array of sizes. Stroly seems very proud of them and tells us that the big one was a present and costs R30 000 and that she could never afford it, but the rest she bought herself. Stroly takes two decks of cards with her long silver nails and hands a pack to both Jana and Koos. Now touch the cards and shuffle them, so that you can bond with the cards. Now choose twelve each. We’re not sure if Stroly is concentrating or trying to read some more aura, but she is very watchful and looks at her new customers with squinty eyes from behind her crystal ball. Koos feels like its a test and that he must try his best to choose the right cards.

The cards are dealt around the Crystal ball. She opens a bag and signals that we take out six stones from the bag and place them in random order around the cards, on the colourful part of the board. Fifteen minutes isn’t a long time to get your entire future read and so Stroly hurries the process along. She starts with the cards nearest to her. Hmmmm okay, she says. This is one of my most favourite cards. The card features some naked woman huddled together and apparently means a birth, or pregnancy and in the time period 3 indicating 3 months or days from now.

But its good, even though she cant say which one will be pregnant as the birth might also be spiritual. What? Lets move on she says. The next card reveals that there is an older man who is very malicious and that we should be careful of this guy and his motives for our business. A next combination of cards featuring a ladder and a huge spider, a seemingly bad omen, turns out to be very good indeed. There is lots of success for us in the future, but only if we climb the ladder slowly and don’t rush. You will travel in business and its going to be very successful. There is a jealous young girl with very bad intentions for both of you, or Koos. Be careful. And then you are going to go through a bad patch in 10 months time. Time is almost up. But Stroly wants to still read the stones we put down. She picks up a crystal and puts it to her forehead. Jana, you must open your mind’s eye. Its very closed. A yellow stone indicates that Jana will be a mother, and a rough black one that she says yes too easily, without thinking things over. A milky white crystal near Koos indicates that he is a very soft person, And a small grey one tells Stroly that he doesn’t open up. Theres the closed heart thing again. But she also sees that Koos is much more complex than he seems from outside, not that that stops him from being a little ray of light and uplifting for others. And bam, time is up. Good luck with everything.

Call me if you want to read your cards telephonically. You can do that? Oh yes. I can even do it on TV In summary? There is no denying the fact that there are some golden threads here. Koos’ heart is a rock (good luck girls) and Jana’s brain is about to explode (good luck Koos). On the upside, at some point all the hard work will pay off and we will be rich.

The whole experience was certainly an eye opener for us, and we can’t deny that we suddenly feel the need to start yoga or something, you know, just balance things out between mind, body and spirit a bit. The right now? We both need a holiday (tell us something we don’t know...

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IMIBALA YOCANSI

by Jamal Nxedlana performed at VANSA Western Cape, photographed by Chris Saunders

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A CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS Email. cuss.lb@gmail.com

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