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November 19, 2013
VIEWS
Current in Zionsville
www.currentzionsville.com
Once more: Buy my book
little l bblack Dress D sEason
Commentary by Danielle Wilson
We are on the brinx of the holiday season and I haven’t yet put in a shameless plug for my book. (Gasp!) But no worries, I’m going to do it right now, leaving you plenty of humor time to make a huge dent in your shopping list and put some muchneeded ca-ching in my bank account. So without further ado … buy my book! Titled “Peace Out!”, this uniquely named anthology retails for an amazingly low, low price of $15.99, making it the perfect gift for friends and foes alike. Didn’t know I’d written one? Well now you do, so buy it. You can easily order 10 or 20 authentic copies at either Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com, and still have time to get your kids to basketball practice. What’s it about? Me, of course. Along with my bald husband and crazy kids and a since-deceased gecko, among other things. In a nutshell, “Peace Out!” is a collection of the best articles from my first three years of writing for Current. That means for most of you, it’s brand new hilarious material, including but not limited to, how Doo came to be called Doo and my infamous observations of a certain 2007 PTO fundraiser which nearly got me fired. Even if you’ve had the honor of reading my stuff since the beginning (lucky you), my book will be a glorious walk down memory lane. (Who can forget the time my 3-year-old dropped trow in the main lobby of the
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library to the absolute horror of a sour-faced old biddy? That’s pure comedy, people.) But wait, there’s more. If you order now, you can also have the pleasure of reading my favorite hate mail, which I have conveniently collected for you in an easily accessible appendix. Still not convinced? How about this angle: You’d be helping out a public school teacher who is currently working 10 hours a day without a contract. No? Nothing? Well, if not for me, then think about how many of your out-of-town friends and family who would just love to come home to a real, honest, highly entertaining look at parenting and marriage, but sadly cannot because they don’t receive Current. It’s a disgrace, certainly, but now you can help. Buy my book and send some Christmas/Hanukkah love their way. What’s a measly $15.99 (plus shipping and handling) when it comes to the happiness of your peeps? Bottom line, folks, the last check from my publishing company, Dog Ear, was only $3.79, profit from my total book sales in October, and I only have a few weeks until Santa is scheduled for a drive-by. Consider helping a gal out during this holiday season through the purchase of my book: Peace Out! (Now available!)
Danielle Wilson is a contributing columnist. You may e-mail her at danielle@currentincarmel.com.
There’s something strange in my inbox Commentary by Mike Redmond
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I’ve been getting some peculiar e-mails lately. I realize this does not set me apart in any way. Let’s face it, if you have access to a computer and the Weird Wide Internet humor thingie – and that takes in about 85 percent of us – you’re going to get some e-mails that raise your eyebrows, with subjects ranging from untold riches awaiting in Nigerian bank accounts to methods of enlarging (or diminishing) various body parts, to faucets. No kidding. I get a lot of messages about faucets. It all comes back to something I’ve repeated at the dinner table every Thanksgiving for the last (mumble) years: Give us humans an amazing piece of technology, and we’ll find a way to abuse it. Invent the car, we’ll run it into a tree. Put the telephone in widespread use, and immediately someone will start calling during supper to ask for money. Come up with TV, and you’ll get 600 channels with nothing worth watching. We can’t help it. We are attracted to shiny things, but our first impulse always seems to be figuring out ways to take the shine off of them. It should be apparent that I am used to a certain amount of weirdness in my inbox. In fact, I may be more accustomed to it than most, just by virtue of not being wired the same as an average human. Even so, occasionally something
comes in over the transom that is unusual, even for me, and that gets me back to the beginning: I’ve been getting some peculiar e-mails lately. I open my mailbox and there they are. The sender: “Bra.” That’s all it says. Just “Bra.” The subject: “Buying a bra? Check out these tips.” Wow. Did they get a wrong number. I feel like writing back: Dear Bra: Thanks so much for your recent e-mail. It was very thoughtful of you to assume that I would need some tips about buying you, seeing as how I am a guy and can honestly say that this is one thing I know absolutely nothing about purchasing. However, upon reflection I have determined that I would like to keep it this way. Your pal, Mike. P.S. If you see your friend Faucets, tell him that I’m not interested in what he’s selling, either. Thanks. That should do it, don’t you think? Then I can go use the one feature of e-mail technology that I have come to appreciate most deeply – the delete button. But not before I claim all those riches awaiting me in Nigeria. Mike Redmond is an author, journalist, humorist and speaker. Write him at mike@ mikeredmondonline. com or P.O. Box 44385, Indianapolis, IN 46244.