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It’s OK to teach your kids to fight back
DISPATCHES » Auditions for “How I Learned to Drive” – Carmel Community Players is holding auditions for “How I Learned to Drive” April 18 at 6 p.m. at the Carmel Community Playhouse (14299 Clay Terrace Boulevard #140). Rehearsals will be throughout May with performances June 3-13. For more information, visit carmelplayers.org/auditions. » Grand opening ceremony – Northview Church will hold the grand opening of its new 2,000-seat auditorium April 17 and 18. A special service is planned, which will include a surprise guest performance. Services are 5 p.m. and 7 p.m. on April 17, and 9 a.m. and 11 a.m. on April 18. » Mayor’s breakfast for scouting – Reservations are being accepted for the annual Mayor’s Breakfast for Scouting April 22 at 7:15 a.m. The breakfast will be held at the Mansion at Oak Hill. There is no charge for the event, but donations are encouraged. To make a reservation, call 317813-7127 by April 15. » Postcard Collecting & Appraisals – On April 170 at 3 p.m. in the Carmel Clay Public Library Program Room, Harley Sheets, president of the Indianapolis Postcard Club, will give a postcard presentation on the hobby, history and value of postcards. After the presentation, he will take questions and give free appraisals. The program is free, but registration is encouraged. For details, call 317-844-3362.
Commentary By Danielle Wilson You know what absolutely drives me crazy? When my kids complain about how their siblings or friends aren’t playing nice: “My brother called me stupid!” “My sister hit me!” “My best friend is being mean!” It’s become so common around our house that, barring blood or the use of the “F” word, my husband and I have declared a moratorium on parental intervention. “Don’t be a victim!” we cry. In other words, stick up for yourself and don’t let others take advantage of you. And for the love of Diet Coke, stop expecting Mommy and Daddy to fight your battles! The first time we took this approach was when our oldest was around five. His BFF was a little older and a bit bigger. Our son used to come home in tears after being bullied. We were certain his friend wasn’t intending to hurt him, but just didn’t know his own strength or our son’s sensitive nature. He was five also, for goodness’ sake. So we told our son the next time his friend hit him to punch him back as hard as he could. And guess what? They’ve been best friends ever since and we’ve never had another incident. It seems that as soon as his friend realized he couldn’t push our son around without getting himself hurt, bullying wasn’t worth it. Both our boys have done pretty well with the “Don’t be a victim” approach, but we haven’t had as much luck with our daughters – could be the natural tendencies of girls and boys, or maybe just their personalities. Regardless, our girls continue to run to us for a ruling and sentencing rather than handle it on their own. But now when my youngest comes crying about how her butthole sister just hijacked her favorite skirt, we listen politely and then say, “Don’t be a victim, Maddie! Go get that skirt back!” And she does.
I think my older daughter is struggling because she’s receiving mixed messages. Her elementary school has been drilling students with the “no fighting” rule pretty hard over the last few months. Contrary to what we say, she’s supposed to find an adult if she gets hit or called a name. And I do agree with this rule in most circumstances. But if a teacher or a parent isn’t around, I believe she has the right to defend herself. If somebody pushes her down, I expect her to fight back. If someone calls her a name, I hope she returns a zinger. Basically, I want my daughter to have the confidence of knowing she can handle situations on her own and that she’s strong enough, emotionally and physically, to stand up to bullies. Because the reality is, there won’t always be someone to save her. Since our Don’t Be a Victim campaign commenced, we’ve noticed a few unexpected results. For one, our kids have begun accepting responsibility for their own roles in confrontations. Without Mom and Dad around, they’re forced to consider how their actions contributed to that retaliatory slap or name-calling and they think twice before prolonging the conflict. Our kids are also figuring out that fighting back proves more of a deterrent than tattle-tailing, and that working it out amongst themselves is more beneficial to everyone in the long run. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If we can get our kids to believe that, to know that they don’t have to be victims, then I think we’ll have done a good job as parents. Peace out.
Danielle Wilson is a Carmel resident and contributing columnist. You may e-mail her at danielle@ currentincarmel.com.
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