Opinion
SEX AND
THE CITY This column was originally intended to be a humorous list of the best public places to have sex in Dunedin, ushering my readership into a new era of fornication more exposed than Jennifer Aniston’s nipples on the last few seasons of Friends. To this end, last weekend I took the selfless step of attempting some research on the topic. What followed was the earthly embodiment of everything that is wrong with sex in our city. Ever the pedagogue, I therefore offer you a handy Vice-style-but-not-really-because-Viceis-lamer-than-whoever-spends-hours-
creating-pastel-chalk-murals-for-StudentLife-Lounge selection of Dos and Don’ts of Dunedin-style Drilling. DON’T: Have a penis with a pronounced curve in it. Admittedly this is a purely hereditary affliction in the manner of curly hair (trust me - it’s a disease), but just as for the frizzily endowed among us, I hear GHDs work a treat. DON’T: Be unable to get it up for hours then finally get half-hard and insist on having sex with your by now utterly disinterested FFT (fuck for tonight) so she has to endure being penetrated (and I use the term loosely) by what feels like a particularly mushy peeled banana. The smelly, more-bruise-than-banana kind with lots of stringy bits that the mature student sitting next to you at the library inevitably begin languorously unpeeling, causing you to retch into the keyboard of your MacBook Pro (hopefully) or Dell Notebook (probably). DON’T: Put up your results from first year law on your wall like a 5-year-old who just received his first ever award for Effort in Creative Writing. Particularly if you only got a B+. DON’T: Stab painfully at your FFT’s punani with a half-closed fist causing her to have eerie flashbacks to the prison-rape scene in
Let’ s get out of
this Country
Heidelberg
I’d imagine anyone who actually went through with the travelling I’ve advised would be pretty tired by now, and keen to head home for a nap. This is in no way a good idea. If you don’t end up staying there for good, you at least owe yourself a decent visit to Heidelberg. Known for stealing people’s hearts, Heidelberg is the sort of place which could very easily become your new, more exciting home. Whether you want to take your hard-earned nap, to continue your studies or to keep travelling, this place is the ultimate base. It has a river far cleaner than the Leith, beside which you can join summer BBQ
American History X. DON’T: Respond with “Um, a girl who’s up for anything?” when asked what your fantasies are, then be incapable of articulating precisely what you would do with this woman. Possibly because it would consist of the aforementioned rotten-banana-penetrache followed by prison-rape vag-stabbing followed by some cosy post-coital chat comparing your marks for LAWS101. Well what do you know, they’re all Don’ts. Dunedin – I love you. Well, sometimes. Once every couple of weeks, maybe. But there is something wrong with sex in this city. Please, don’t be part of the problem, be part of the solution. Embrace your kinks (except the ones in your penis)! Stop simply occupying Vagistan and start nailing some Orgasma Bin Ladens! But always keep in mind one final tip, equally applicable in bed and in life: DON’T underestimate the inherent vileness of humanity. From the vast reservoir of tragicomedic dialogue dished up by that terrible Thursday, one particular nugget stands out: “So, you’re not going to, like, put this in your column are you?” “Um, no.” – Mrs John Wilmot
parties and upon which there are ships which have been converted into nightclubs. If you’re looking for a modern city, you’ll feel right at home among the high-rises on the northern side of the river, while those looking to get into the medieval spirit(s) can surround themselves with buildings older than our country on the southern side. Regardless of who you are, what you do and which language(s) you speak, there is accommodation, a job (/uni course) and friends-to-be waiting for you there. Heidelberg has no downsides. The housing is old but warm, the population is international yet holds on to traditions in a non-offensive way and the American army base is very hospitable towards drunken Kiwis who get lost and accidentally trespass there. If you shout abuse at a German in the street and throw a snowball at them, chances are they’ll throw one back and you’ll find yourself in a friendly snow-fight. If you want to get away from the amazing people (perhaps you’ll find yourself too happy), you can head up to the castle overlooking the city, and sit on a big bench by a statue of Goethe to do some pondering while squirrels frolic around nearby and respectful tourists wander by. From Heidelberg you have easy access to Germany’s main airport, and you’re only a short drive/train ride from France, Switzerland and Austria. Its cobblestone streets will have nothing to offer you but good memories and misplaced euro cents, and eventually you will lose your heart in Heidelberg - if you dare to hang up your travelling hat and stay. – Bridget Gilchrist
Critic Issue 13 –
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