Crack the Spine - Issue 73

the bigger sphere beyond. It is like a self-induced brain-freeze of sorts; a mind trap that I set, and then step into.

The thought of what is out there.

If we live, here on this earth, and we all know that we are going to die, then when we die we go to heaven or hell, but are not reborn like the people in one steeple say, then we float in heaven or hell forever and there is no dying there, so there is nowhere to go after that and then that means we are stuck there, we can’t get out of the place that we’re not even sure exists and we have to stay there for all of eternity?

It would be around this time that thinking becomes like punching myself in its own head.

Oh, but after the punching comes petting.

Maggie creeps in.

Maggie normally creeps in to wish me goodnight. She will tell me not to worry about all of that ‘bigger stuff’ and to just take life “less seriously.”

“We are only here for a little time Jakey (she calls me Jakey) we should just love and spend it being happy.”

That Maggie. She’s got a way to make everything seem like it is bouncing around in a pink skirt, wielding pom-poms and shirts with one big letter on it that fits too tightly.

Imaginary Maggie will sit with her back up against the fence of the tennis court and she will let me sit in front of her in-between her legs. I’ll use her for a back rest; something to lean on. And she’ll run her fingers through my hair and every now and then when we’ve slouched she will pull me up under my ribs closer to her like a small child. Imaginary Maggie tells me how happy she is that she has someone to talk to and that she likes me just the way I am.

Just like me. Just plain old Jakey.

But after the self-inflicted-thought-punches and the Imaginary Maggie swoons, I remember Maggie’s big strong blonde Richy-Richard boyfriend and roll over on my pillow, glass in my bed pricks my legs a little as I try to finally fall asleep. It’s probably like 3 a.m.

Today [the next day] is Cory’s birthday and she told me that she would “‘love’ to spend it with me,” even though she didn’t want to “ever see me again.” I wish people in this world still meant what they were saying when they spit words out of their stupid little mouths. Like how ridiculous the little gerbils sound when they are standing in the lunch-line and they lean into their friends and toss back their silly hair and mutter, “ughhhhhhhh there is literally nothing to eat today, ughhhhh damnnn ittttt.”