April 2014
GOOD HUMOR While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.,” * * * * *
GOOD HUMOR As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked. My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them. * * * * *
QUICK THINKING A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, “Oh, pun the door!” * * * * *
GOOD HUMOR A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in battle. “We must get help,” said the king. “I know,” replied the leader of his army, “but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once.” “Is there not another animal he can ride?” demanded the king. “What about the mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man.” “No, no,” pleaded the army leader. “The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.” * * * * *
MANAGED CARE Three social workers were sitting in the waiting room outside the pearly gates when St. Peter called the first one up to the desk. “So, what have you done to
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deserve to come in here, my dear?” asked the old gatekeeper. “Well, I was a psychiatric social worker at the local hospital. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and helped to save many lives,” she said. “Come right in then, and make yourself at home for all eternity,” St. Peter told her. When asked what she had done to deserve to walk the streets of gold, the second social worker replied, “Well, I was a social worker at the local mental health clinic during my lifetime. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and helped the team save many lives.” “Come right in then, and make yourself at home for all eternity,” replied St. Peter. “Now, tell me what you have done to deserve to sing with the angels,” he asked of the third social worker. “Well, I worked for an insurance company during my lifetime. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and I helped to save the company a lot of money,” she beamed. St. Peter looked puzzled for a moment, but then said, “Come right in and enjoy the wonders of heaven. But don’t get too comfortable... you can only stay for three days!” * * * * *
GOOD HUMOR • The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery. • The old man didn’t like his beard at first. Then it grew on him. • Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds. • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! • Broken pencils are pointless. • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. • England has no kidney bank, bit it does have a Liverpool. * * * * *
HORSERADISH SHORTAGE IN SPAIN With Passover soon upon them, the Jewish community in Madrid found themselves in a desperate situation. There was an acute shortage of horseradish. You probably know that horseradish is the key, if not the only ingredient of that fiery condiment for gefilte fish that is known and chrain.
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A hue and cry arose and the entire community was mobilized in an effort to prevent this shonda (shame, tragedy). All the European Union countries gave the same reply, “Sorry, we have none to send.” In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight. Two days before Passover, a crate of grade Aleph, tear-jerking, Israeli horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto El Al flight 789 to Madrid, and all seemed to be well. Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid airport to claim the horseradish, he was informed that the wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days. As a result, The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane. Happy Passover! Submitted by Mel Weinrach * * * * *
GOOD HUMOR Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. Winnie: Me! Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? Glen: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are. * * * * *
GOOD HUMOR Y’all kin say whut y’all want about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North. * * * * *
GOOD HUMOR Due to current economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. * * * * *
GOOD HUMOR I will never be Over the Hill. I’m too darned tired to climb it.
Someone sent me an email about using Vodka for cleaning around the house. It worked! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked! * * * * *
GOOD HUMOR A beautiful, curvacious woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in Minot, North Dakota. The taxi driver, good old Ole, an Old Norwegian man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. She said to him, “What’s wrong with you honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before? Ole said, “Lady, I’m not staring at you., I am telling you, dat vould not be proper vair I come from.” She said, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?” Ole looked at her and said, “Vell, I’m lookin and I’m lookin, and I am tinkin to myselfs, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride?” Submitted by Mel Weinrach * * * * *
JEWISH REASONING The nice Jewish mother-in-law comes over and finds her son-inlaw furious and packing his suitcase. “What happened” she asks. Eli screamed, “What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. I send an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I go home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage. I’m leaving!” “Calm down!”, says the motherin-law. “There’s something odd about this story. My Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened.” Moments later, the mother-inlaw comes back with a big smile. “You see, I said that there must be a simple explanation... Rachel never received your email.” Submitted by George Fried