Every Woman Wants a Bailey Box Locally Owned and Operated Since 1948 Greenville’s Lynndale Shoppes | 511 Red Banks Road | 252.353.3434 | www.baileybox.com
252.752.4715
633 Red Banks Rd 252-321-7000 www.RobinsonJewelers.com
Now Accepting New Appointments We Accept Most Insurances
252.565.8985
www.VinsonDental.com
At Vinson Dental, our Winterville location is convenient for all your family’s dental needs. We offer comprehensive dentistry to patients of all ages. Please visit our website for more information, or call our office to make an appointment today! t 8IJUFOJOH
t %FOUVSFT
t 1SFWFOUJWF $BSF t #SJEHFT t 7FOFFST
t 1BSUJBMT
t *NQMBOUT
t (VN %JTFBTF
t &YUSBDUJPOT
t $SPXOT
t $PTNFUJD %FOUJTUSZ t 3PPU $BOBMT t 0SBM 4FEBUJPO
January 2019
ON THE
COVER Amanda Natividad endured years of emotional and physical abuse before deciding to live a life full of joy. Read her story on page 18.
Her magazine is published by The Daily Reflector and Adams Publishing Group.
Meet our team
From the editor I don’t think I ever really understood just how
Mackenzie is the editor of Her magazine, Mixer magazine and Greenville: Life in the East. She loves a lot of things, but specifically: beer, The Grateful Dead, and her rescue lab, Ficklen.
brave, courageous and scary sharing your story publicly is until I got asked to share part of mine. I thought long and hard about it. The ladies in this magazine are continuously vulnerable with me, so I think it’s only fair I am vulnerable with you guys. So here goes nothing. I had a relationship with a man when I was in
Mackenzie Tewksbury Editor
college that ended flatly — with no warning, conversation, justification or acknowledgement.
Molly is a recent RCC photo grad, Carolina Panthers fan and cat enthusiast. Her favorite thing to photograph is sports.
I was “ghosted.” I was pissed. But one day, he called and texted me saying how sorry he was and asked if he could come over to apologize in person. For some reason, I let him. When he arrived, I quickly realized talking was the last thing on his agenda, and he was relentless.
Molly Mathis Photographer
I should’ve kicked him out, but I didn’t. I should’ve told him that “no” does not translate into “convince me,” but I didn’t. I was young and stupid, but more importantly, I did not really realize what was happening as it happened. All I really knew is that after he left, I didn’t want to talk about it. Now, I know that’s nothing compared to what some of these women have faced, and I had a hard
Amanda Parmalee Contributor
Amanda is a former journalist who currently spends her days working as the Community Outreach Director for a local nonprofit. She loves pitbulls, coffee, the mountains, but mostly pitbulls.
time classifying it as a form of assault until I recounted the events with a friend. But, as I told her, I realized that experience was not OK, and that I think almost every woman probably has an experience similar to this, which is also… not OK. I am so grateful for the ladies in this magazine who shared their story with me and the world, because I now know it is far from easy. I hope this issue shows women that they are not alone. That there is hope. That there’s light, love, acceptance and happiness on the other side.
Jennifer Klutz Contributor
Jennifer is a Registered Dietitian, wife, mother, treasure hunter, and animal lover. Her passions include helping people lead happier, healthier lives, digging up treasures in thrift shops, cuddling on the couch with an animal and a good book, and belly dancing.
Sam is the graphic designer for Her Magazine, Bro Magazine and Greenville: Life in the East. His interests include strong coffee, long naps and soft cats. Contact him at Samuel Alvarado salvarado@reflector. com. Designer Christina is an Ad Rep & Hot Dish writer at The Daily Reflector, a freelance writer, award winning poet, and creative writing instructor at Pitt Community College. In the past, she has served on the board of the Family Violence Program and is Christina Ruotolo a current Pamlico Writers Contributor Member.
Christy, also known as Coach Chris, is a Greenville life and business coach. Contact her at coachchris4success@ gmail.com or www. coachchriscompany.com. Christy Jones Contributor
Kristin is a digital media specialist, wedding videographer, former journalist, Elon Alumna and mom to four rescue dogs and a cat. Kristin Zachary Contributor
Contents Contact Her
Mackenzie Tewksbury | Editor | 329-9585 John Powell | Advertising | 329-9632 Samuel Alvarado | Designer | 329-9604 Email: tellher@reflector.com
Mackenzie Tewksbury — editor
Meet Her
Food
#MeToo
Inside
18 Amanda Natividad 6 Shivering in Silence 12 Real Women Real Stories 17 Battered 22 Reducing Domestic Violence
28 Nutrition 11 26 30 31
Puzzles Her Panel Coach Chris Domestic Violence Resources
Shivering in silence Navigating the domestic violence minefield
By Kristin Zachary
6
Her — January 2019
Photos by Ben Seidelman via Flickr Commons
WARNING: STORY CONTAINS GRAPHIC CONTENT AND LANGUAGE
Each gust of wind howled
I wasn’t wearing a watch
between the porch posts
but knew hours had passed
and lashed against the
between hearing the famil-
trailer’s siding. Out in the
iar click of the lock and the
yard, blades of brown grass
shock and anger in Mom’s
peeked out from a snow
voice when she returned
blanket.
from errands and found me
On the back porch, I sat on my hands, trying in vain
shivering on the porch. Mom had told him no
to keep warm. A coat and
drugs in front of me. My step-
gloves would have helped
father’s solution? Party inside
but my pleas to grab them
with his friends; let Kristin
had been met with a sharp
wait outside. Mom confront-
“no” when he rushed me
ed him; he slapped her.
out the door.
Her — January 2019
I was 11, maybe 12.
7
This was nothing new. The fighting, the coldness.
a nice couple picked us up
Not quite a year earlier, I
and took us to their home so
shivered in the back seat of
we could get warm. I played
the car on the way home
with their kittens. A hour
from dinner, my newborn
or so later, I reluctantly got
sister asleep to my right.
back into their car so they
“What time is it?” I
could take us home. We
quietly asked, speaking
pulled in the drive and saw
without thinking first, as I
my stepdad laughing on the
was quickly learning had
front porch with his friends.
consequences.
They all were drunk and
The car grew colder with his voice. “I bought you a fucking
high. These instances of abuse are among many I witnessed
watch! Why don’t you wear
and suffered between the
the god damn thing?!” he
ages of 10 and 13.
roared. Mom told him not to speak to me that way. “Tell me what to do again,
One time, I stood in the doorway, frozen with fear but desperately wanting to do something, anything, to
and I’ll shove my fist down
help Mom while she lay on
your fucking throat,” he
the gravel in the drive after
shot back. He pulled over
being shoved.
and told us to get out. I
8
We walked awhile, then
Kick, kick, kick. He drew
watched the taillights fade
his foot back again, then
until we were left in the
paused when he heard me
pitch black of night. Miles
unlatch the door. He looked
from home. No cellphone.
in my direction and seemed
Mom carried the baby.
amused by the sheer panic
I carried the car seat and
and terror on his 11-year-old
diaper bag.
stepdaughter’s face.
Her — January 2019
the case, with us temporarily staying with family or Mom telling me we had nowhere to go but the women’s shelter. Eventually, he would apologize and convince us to come back. It was never long before it happened again. One afternoon, I was doing homework with my door closed. He took out the trash, and because I did not have a new bag in the trash can by the time he came back, he burst into my room screaming. “Take a picture,” he laughed. “It’ll last longer.” Countless times during those three years, I watched him knock her to the ground
caused his anger. “It’s my
Part of my punishment
fault,” I whispered to no one
during my monthlong
as I cried myself to sleep at
grounding was to take old
night.
scissors each day and trim
One Sunday morning,
the grass and weeds around
and kick her. Throw things
Mom wanted to take my
the trailer. I was not allowed
at her. Punch, shove, scream.
sister and me to church.
to wear gloves and would
He even took a baseball bat to her once. Often, the beatings came because she took up for me. And I blamed myself. I
“Tell Jesus to find you a
come inside hours later with
god damn place to live,” he
my hands blistered and
shouted in her face while we
bloody.
were getting into the car. And just like that, we
He told me I was worthless. I was trash. I would
asked the wrong question.
were homeless – one of the
never make anything of my-
I did the wrong thing. I
many times that would be
self. I was stupid. I would
Her — January 2019
9
never be good enough. Twenty years later, the memories linger, still fresh. For a long time, I hoped they would fade as I grew older, that they wouldn’t keep such a hold over me, such an influence in my life. But those scars, though not visible, will always remain. Those three years in his home robbed me of my childhood. And the same thing, and unimaginably worse, is happening each day to children across the nation, across the world.
DON’T JUDGE. DON’T CAST BLAME. JUST HELP.
Across the street. That’s the thing about
gladly give that memory up
or that it stops? Absolutely.
McDonald’s because I was
if I could erase any of the
But what’s a little discom-
olence. Many are too scared,
the holdout. He bought me
others.
fort when you could save a
too ashamed, too fill in the
a milkshake and told me ev-
I encourage everyone in
blank to come forward.
erything would be different.
this community – urge you
child abuse and domestic vi-
Those closest to me had no
He had us meet him at
But I was done. I told
life? And, please, never give
– to learn the signs and keep
up. It took us three years
idea. I learned to close my
Mom I was not going back.
a vigilant watch. Friend has
to leave. From the outside
mouth and paste a smile on
Ever. And I meant it. For the
another black eye? Don’t
looking in, it’s easy. But for
my face, and I developed
first time in three years, I
laugh along when she jokes
women who have had ev-
solid skill in pretending
mustered the courage to say
about her clumsiness. Look
erything taken from them by
everything was right in my
no and somehow that stuck.
past the pasted-on smile.
their abuser, the easier route
world.
We never went back.
Make your concerns known.
sometimes is going back
Ask, “Are you OK? What
into the same hopeless situa-
can I do?”
tion. Don’t judge. Don’t cast
Until the last time. They
As much as the bad
fought. He beat her. He
memories linger, that one
kicked us out. He apolo-
sticks out just as much.
gized. He said he would
That’s because it’s one of my
to address it than to ignore it
change. He begged us back.
proudest moments. But I’d
and hope it isn’t happening
10
Is it more uncomfortable
Her — January 2019
blame. Just help. Offer hope, offer light, offer warmth.
Clues Across
Clues Down
1. Class
39. Level
1. Form a whole
31. “No __!”
6. Husband or wife
40. Computers
2. Indicates position
33. Soap
12. All the same
41. Where spiders live
3. Moves in water
36. Chop or cut
16. Exclamation of surprise
43. An enemy to Batman
4. Diminutive
38. “Atonement” author
17. Lived in
44. Mineral
5. Old English letter
McEwan
18. Hawaiian entertainer
45. Body part
6. “Save the Last Dance”
39. Bullfighter
19. Of I
47. Give
actress
41. Of the universe
20. Belonging to me
48. Atomic #21 (abbr.)
7. Dab
42. Founder of Babism
21. One thousandth of an
50. European tax
8. Digits
43. Not good
inch
52. Bleated
9. Female cattle’s mamma-
46. Large, flightless bird
22. Midway between south
54. Capital of Norway
ry gland
47. Punitive
and east
56. Pa’s partner
10. Yes
49. Makes less messy
23. Article
57. Stephen King’s clown
11. Improves
51. Belts out a tune
24. Pitchers have them
tale
12. We all have one
53. Aboriginal people of
26. Steps
59. Atomic #50
13. Book of Esther antago-
Japan
28. Mars crater
60. Military policeman
nist
54. An eye protein
30. __ route: on the way
61. One quintillion bytes
14. Invests in little enter-
55. Broad sashes
31. Diego, Francisco, Ansel-
62. Where impulses man-
prises
58. Actress Spelling
mo
ifest
15. Organs that produce
60. Distribute
32. A baglike structure in a
63. Offers as a candidate
gametes
64. Unpleased
plant or animal
66. Spielberg film
25. Mediterranean city
65. Body art
34. These three follow A
67. Great job!
26. Peter’s last name
68. Midway between north
35. Frail
70. Live in
27. Unhappy
and east
37. Platforms
71. Cares for
29. Swollen area within
69. Overdose
tissue
Solutions on page 16 Her — January 2019
11
story
WARNING: STORIES CONTAIN GRAPHIC CONTENT AND LANGUAGE
W
hen I decided to tackle this issue, I put out a few social
media posts asking people to share their stories with me. What I got — while heart-wrenching — was extremely inspiring, powerful and therapeutic. I am in awe of these women. I am in awe of their bravery, courage and strength. They have been left anonymous for their own privacy and safety, but that doesn’t make these women’s stories any less real or powerful. I hope you find something that serves you from these stories; maybe even your own strength or healing. I’ve always said that if my work touches at least one person, then it was worth it. Mackenzie Tewskbury Editor
12
Her — January 2019
THE LAST NIGHT
“
We were friends all throughout college, it was our last year together and while I didn't graduate until the spring, he graduated in December. He'd told me he got a job in New York for a news station, which meant I wouldn't be able to see him anymore. So as both a celebration and a goodbye, we decided to go out and get drinks together one last time. Though we had invited a few friends, it had ended up being just us which I didn't mind. We stayed at the bar until it closed, then decided to walk back to his place where I could call an Uber.
the street. Somewhere along the line the conversation shifted and he started talking about how amazing I am. How he always really liked me and had strong feelings for me. Throughout our friendship there had been times where I thought that he may have feelings for me but the feelings weren't mutual
a relationship at the time. I didn't really know what to say because I didn't feel the same way. Next thing I know he spins around and kisses me in the middle of the street. I was so drunk, so I reacted SO slowly when I pulled away. I told him I didn't feel the same and that I was in a relationship which he knew and even though he said he understood he preceded to kiss me a second and third time. By the second and third time we
saying goodbye to his dog. I was sitting on the ground when he comes over and sits in front of me kissing me again. I told him I didn't want this and he continued by moving closer and closer until he was on top of me. When he was leaning over me he kissed me again. By this time, I had told him no multiple times and that I was trying to leave. I was actually genuinely scared because he really wasn't listening and I was so drunk, I'd never been put in this kind of position before. Every time he kissed me everything was moving so slow and I didn't move away as fast as I normally would, which makes me feel like he thought I wanted it and liked it, even though I was saying no. I got up and started getting ready to request an Uber when he asked if I could stay the night. His argument was that my girlfriend wouldn't care because it's "just me." I told him I had to leave and he walked me to the car. I ended up telling the Uber driver the situation and he told me I shouldn't tell my partner about the situation. Which I thought was fucked up. I got home and cried in my girlfriend's arms, I felt so betrayed. I trusted him and he broke that. The next day he acted like nothing even happened. I still haven't gotten an apology for it.�
Her — January 2019
13
LUCKY
“
When I was eight years old my mom
trated me.
dated a Turkish man.
was beginning to straddle me when my
lieve me?
now know is grooming and would buy
mother started coming down the hall-
mother and I never had a good line
me presents all the time.
way and he stopped.
of communication and I am sure that
hyper child.
He did what I
I was a
At night he would give
me massages to help me sleep. they weren't massages.
Only
He would
However, one night he
This happened
Maybe, I thought she wouldn't beWhat I do know is that my
for almost two years until he did it
played a part in why I never went
to a friend who spent the night and
to her when it was happening.
she told.
do know that one of the only times
To this day I don't why I don't
I
fondle me and try and get me to do
I didn't tell until then.
I remember her standing up for me
things to him. I remember being re-
know if my mom seemed happy and I
was when she found out and made him
ally lucky because he never pene-
didn't want to mess that up?
leave.”
When I was 17 years old I had al-
blacked my eye and almost broke my
told them I had fallen on a ta-
ready moved out from my mother's.
arm while I was driving. One night
ble and the x-rays showed I had a
Right before I turned 18 I started
I was 5 minutes late getting home
fractured rib.
dating an older man, he was 11 years
from work and when I sat on the couch
could have punctured my lung set in.
older than me.
where he was laying, he kicked me.
THE BEST I EVER HAD
“
At the time, he was
the best boyfriend I had ever had.
to leave, but if I started packing
He wasn't like the other boys I had dated. This man had a job and a car. After a year or so he was injured and lost his job and eventually his car.
He started becoming physical-
ly abusive.
I remember thinking, he
The reality that he
it would cause more problems and he
"I lost every possession I owned,
would ask "Where do you think you are going." One night I went to work
many of them valuable and irreplaceable."
and never went back.
I lost every
possession I owned, many of them valuable and irreplaceable.
We were
renting a car from the landlord and had lost his self-esteem and became abusive.
So I held on to when he
gets a job again everything will be okay.
I had that towed back. When I went out to the car in the
going to risk it.
morning he had taken money and
up to my work multiple times but was
Meanwhile I'm supporting all
He tried to come
not allowed in.”
of our habits and paying all of our
for a surprise.
bills.
able to get to the hospital where I
Over a period of time he had
I was not
The next day I was
TERROR IN THE MORNING
“
Around the age of 22 I lived by my-
only a year ago did I really remember
person.
self and had my own apartment.
this happening.”
meant until I got clean.
My inno-
expecting someone to come over and
“By the age of ten I was a survivor
cence was taken so young.
I love
I had been drinking.
of physical, emotional, and sexual
me today.
would leave the door unlocked. I went
abuse. Today I am a person in long-
husband for 11 years and we have one
to sleep fully clothed.
term recovery from addiction for 13
of the healthiest relationships I
morning my bed was a mess and there
years.
know.
was a used condom in the trash.
any substances.
I was
I told them I
The next
I
I do not drink alcohol or use Today I would not
I never knew what self-worth
Today I have been with my
Today, I know love, communica-
tion, trust, compassion, and empathy
vaguely remember waking up and some-
trade anything that has happened to
for others.
one was on top of me, but I couldn't
me because I know I have a story to
else break me.
do anything about it.
share and possibly help others.
I remember
feeling so violated and pissed.
The
This
a SURVIVOR!”
was a memory I had pushed down for
things, get to the other side, and
many, many years,
come out a stronger, more beautiful
14
I am now 39 and
Her — January 2019
I refuse to let someone Today, I do not let
DRINKING GAMES
“
It was my freshman year at ECU...
About three months later I got a
It was second semester and my friend
I kind of blocked it all out of my
had just gotten a new roommate
head.
in the dorm.
I ended up having to go the hospi-
be able to pursue the case at the
friend, and his new roommate hanging
tal that night and when I was there
time, which in my mind, pretty much
out in his room and playing drinking
I kind of realized what had happened
saying they don’t have time for it.
games, what we weren’t supposed to
to me.
People were always like, “How do you
be doing.
When I got out of the hospital I
know you didn’t let them in?”
I got way too drunk and they were
went to the police and Greenville
I was passed out in my bed drunk,
all wanting to go to a club and I
Police told me to go campus police
and there were two doors to get
was like no, I’m going to bed.
because it happened on campus. They
through. I have no idea how they got
They walked me to my room and they
brought in a victim advocate and I
in.
put me to bed. I was passed the fuck
talked to her, told her everything
Even if I did let them in, I mean, I
out. They left and went downtown.
and wrote a statement.
know I didn’t want them to fuck me.”
And when I woke up...my friend’s
I told them I’m not staying here — I
friend and the new roommate were
said “I'm going back home I cannot
just on top of me and I was just
be here.”
It was me, him, his
call from the district attorney’s
TEACHER I’D LIKE TO F***
“
I taught seventh grade at a private
grabbed the paper with his far hand
She was like “Well, maybe you
Catholic school in New York. I was
(his right hand) and grabbed up my
shouldn’t wear skirts to work?”
23 years old.
body with his left hand.
Nothing happened with the kid...no
“A couple of juniors yelled “TILF”
-
investigation...I had to teach him
(teacher I’d like to f***) into my
nized I had been assaulted. I was
for the rest of the year. It was
classroom, and I really just want-
like...what do i do?
very uncomfortable.
ed to ignore it, I wasn’t trying to
I went to see the guidance counsel-
The school was also a huge re-
cause any waves. And a little girl
or...and in the midst of all that I
cruiting school for athletes...
asked what it meant, so I had to do
was having an observation with the
All these D1 schools would look at
something about it.
assistant principal. I was supposed
the athletes and I was pulled into
And then, I was passing out papers
to have a post observation confer-
every lunch with the coaches, ev-
on the way out the door and I had
ence with her.
ery meeting, every possible thing,
I walked into her
this other student, I still remem-
I was pulled to, simply because I
ber his name. He was probably 6’2,
school assistant principal, the
was eye candy. I told them I knew
seventh grade.
department chair and the principal.
nothing about basketball, and asked
I was wearing a fall colors: creme,
The principal was like, “You accused
why I was there. They said, “Because
tan, black, brown and orange. It was
a student of doing this.” She made
you’re nice to look at.“
an asymmetrical striped shirt and a
me demonstrate what happened. At this point I was pissed...they were
I was passing out papers on the
questioning my side of what hap-
way out the door, and this student
pened.
Her — January 2019
15
NOT GOOD ENOUGH
“
-
-
-
-
-
Puzzle solutions from page 11
16
Her — January 2019
battered
For some women, love is believing the man's lie. For some women, love is pretending the bruise was your fault.
For some women, love is forgetting the temper, rage and anger remembering happy times, nestled against the manly shoulder not the neck jarring blow sending you across the room.
For some women, love is believing the man is doing good, providing, being a father, sticking it out and so shall you.
For some women, love is skipping breakfast
Christina Ruotolo
to pat away a mistake on your cheek placed there by what you thought was love.
For some women, love is hiding in the bathroom at midnight sensing the clenching fists that made swollen the eye fear running through your mind, fear to leave.
For some women, love is forgiving and forgetting so the children won’t see or be afraid if you left he would find you, so you stay.
Sometimes its too late to pretend to love when the box gets placed six feet under covered with warm earth, echoing children’s cries for you to come back...don’t go.
All that’s left of you now is a pair of empty shoes the shoes of a mother, wife, daughter, friend and no one is left to fill them.
Domestic violence was the cause of your death a death that could have been avoided with a way out, to a safe place where fear and pain don’t live where help and encouragement are given.
For some women, love isn’t enough. For many women, this narrative will remain. Don’t be the next pair of empty shoes.
This poem is dedicated to the victims of domestic violence. There is hope, there is help! For more information, visit the Family Violence Program Inc of Pitt County, NC’s website www.c4fvp.org. You can also call the 24-hour hotline at 1-252-752-3811.
Her — January 2019
17
meet
18
Her — January 2019
Domestic violence survivor finds voice, lives life out loud By Mackenzie Tewksbury Photos by Molly Mathis
For months, Amanda Natividad parked her car a mile away from her new Greenville apartment. She scraped the bumper stickers off of her car so there was nothing identifiable — a lot of people drove gold Hondas, right? Her and her two daughters — four and eight years old at the time — walked home. They shut the blinds, dimmed the lights and locked the doors. Later, they were hiding in their bathtub as her now ex-husband banged and screamed on the front door, begging to get in, threatening her. Her dog was howling, but Natividad held strong. “We were legit in hiding,” she said. “The girls and I would literally hide in my bathroom. We did this for months. That was rough because they wanted to see him, and I just had to tell them they could not go out there.” This happened after years and years of abuse, both physical and emotional, Natividad endured with her ex-husband of nearly 10 years that produced two children. Natividad met him through a mutual friend, and things started fine, even good. They talked until 2 in the morning; they were happy.
Her — January 2019
19
“He told me all these things he had done in his past, and he was so sorrowful and he regretted it so much,” she said. “I was very naive. I accepted him for who he was; I thought he wasn’t going to do those things to me. He was nice to me.” But, soon after the relationship started, he needed a place to live, and Natividad let him move in. The abuse started not long after that. He’d push her, shove her, hit her, bruise her, put knives to her throat, threaten to hurt himself or their children and one time, even bit her nose hard enough to leave a scar that she’s cleverly covered up with concealer. “Soon enough, the closet became my home, because I was locked in there until I agreed to whatever it was he wanted,” she said.“His favorite thing to do was isolate me. He literally changed the doorknob on the bedroom so it locked on the outside.” No one knew about the abuse Natividad was enduring when she became pregnant the first time. Her mother — coming from a hardcore Christian background — said she had to marry him. So she did. “So, now I’m stuck,” she said. The abuse worsened. She wore turtlenecks to hide the bruises. She told herself it wasn’t that bad. She, still, told nobody. “I never told anyone. Abuse victims are probably the best liars on the planet. We’re really good at making sure everything looks OK when it’s really not,” she said. Years went by and the abuse still continued. He stalked her at school, screaming outside of her classroom and getting her kicked out. She couldn’t look nice on Sundays at church anymore because he swore she was flirting or begging for attention. He slashed her tires after she dropped him off on the side of the road. She still couldn't tell anyone. She still told herself it wasn’t that bad. She still hid the brunt of the abuse to those around her. “Everyone had to get involved, meanwhile I’m trying to juggle this issue when no one really knows what’s going on… It’s like, ‘Yeah he’s got anger issues but it’s OK!’ And at the same time I’m living in denial, like it’s not that bad. I used to 20
tell myself all the time that he doesn’t hit me because I burnt the cookies... so it’s fine. It’s not a big deal,” she said. “It’s a big deal.” She worked up the courage to tell her mother. It worsened again. “He had taken a railroad spike and filed it…and I don’t remember what I said, but he got mad and held it to my throat. My daughter was screaming. I was screaming.” She called her mother and she drove over and packed up all her stuff while he was gone and they left. She stayed gone for a couple of weeks. But, her daughter was continuously having fevers, so she had to rush to the hospital and legally, had to call the father. It went from bad to worse for Natividad. Her mother had a heart attack that night in the hospital and died instantly. She lost the only person who knew about the abuse. Her father, because he didn’t know, bought them a little apartment — she called it the bat cave. “I was stuck again,” she said. She fell into a dark depression — not getting out of bed for nearly a whole year. He then started to hurt things she loved; breaking and burnings things that were her mother’s. “I was in this deep deep depression. You can’t really make someone cry that’s just not feeling anything — you can’t scare them. It’s almost like, ‘Whatever, kill me.’’ Things began to look up after some time. She went through what she called a "honeymoon phase." She went back to school and made a friend who had really short hair. They hung out a few times, but when her ex-husband saw them walking together, he swore it was a boy. He grew angry and violent, regardless of what Natividad told him. She locked him out and changed the locks the next day. But he broke in. That’s when he bit her. “That’s when I knew I had to get out. It took me three years to do it, but that’s when I knew.” Natividad then got a job in secret — she found a friend who was a surgical nurse with five dogs. She needed someone to hang out with her dogs during the day, and she paid Natividad under the table to do so. Natividad didn’t tell her
Her — January 2019
ex-husband, and she started shoving twenty dollar bills into a bag in a coat pocket she never wore. When she got some money together, East Carolina University was about to start school. Her grandmother said her school credits were about to expire and she should finish school. Her grandmother would move her to an apartment in Greenville, but she wouldn't move her husband. Natividad told him that. She told him she got accepted into a program and she had to move now. She couldn’t wait. She told him if he got psychological help for a year, held a job, and got a car, they could talk about starting over. “I mean, I’ve stopped lying to everyone else, now I’m lying to him. “I was tired of being so poor,” she said. “And my kids were going to have a better life. No matter what I had to do.” When she got to Greenville, it was quiet. No one was screaming. It was happy. She agreed to let him come visit for a weekend, and things started to make more sense. “It’s amazing how tense we were — and that’s when it really clicked. It hadn’t even clicked yet. I didn’t understand what I had gone through yet. It’s like I had blocked it all out; it was straight denial. It was like I just wrapped it up in some pretty wrapping paper,” she said. She then stopped letting him come visit. He got angrier. She knew she had to do something. She plugged into a church in Greenville, and asked her pastors if she could get a divorce — her old church said she’d fall out of God’s graces if she divorced him — and they said of course. She found a lawyer who agreed to take her case under one stipulation: she got help from the Center for Family Violence Prevention. “So I’m filling out this form, and there it was… years and years of abuse on a single sheet of paper. And I had endured every type,” she said. She worked with her therapist about six hours a week, learning how to set and keep boundaries and finally learning
how to handle her ex-husband. But, part of her healing process included finally actually processing what she had just endured. “The first year, I literally cried in the bathtub every night. The wounds I had gift wrapped were coming back.” She finally divorced him and went back to school. Natividad said the question she got asked the most was, “Why didn’t you leave?” Well, she said it’s not that easy. The North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence says that leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence; a study shows that threats of separation or actual separation were most often the precipitating events that led to the victim’s murder. And in her case, she knows that could have been true. “Him banging on my apartment door in Greenville, had I opened it, I mean, children die. Mothers die,” she said. “Abusers do such a good job of making you feel like you can’t do anything without them.” But when she left, she learned she could do everything without him. She went back to school, raised her children, and bought a home. She met her husband, and they married in August at her church. They have three dogs, and she graduated with a psychology degree in December. “Now, it’s just great. We have steady income, which is not something I’ve had before. We’re not worried how we are going to pay our bills or put food on the table,” she said. “I mean, it was really bad, and now, it’s just not.” As she looks back at the night she was hiding in her new bathroom when she first moved to Greenville, she realized she may have moved, but nothing was different. And she knew something had to be different. "I was still that woman. The girl that was hiding in my closet, crying in a ball, terrified. I hadn't actually left. Nothing had really changed." Now, she lives a life without abuse -- a life with no more crying in the closet or the bathroom. A life with more love and more dogs.
Her — January 2019
21
22
Her — January 2019
REDUCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT By Amanda Parmelee | Photo by Aileen Devlin
S
gt. John Guard is a bit like Liam Neeson’s character Bryan Mills — someone with a very particular set of skills acquired over a very long career. Guard, a member of the Major Crimes Division of the Pitt County Sheriff's Office, specializes in the agency’s response to domestic violence cases. But believe it or not, Guard says, law enforcement officers didn’t begin receiving domestic violence-specific instruction during their Basic Law Enforcement Training program until the year 2000 with the passing of the Violence Against Women Act. “At one time we were not at our same position,” explains Guard. “ We were not doing great things or even good things in domestic violence. And it wasn’t because of malicious intent. It was, we didn’t know what we didn’t know.”
Her — January 2019
23
IMPETUS FOR CHANGE “One of the first calls I was actually ever on [with Pitt County], and it was actually during field training, was on the initial assault of Anitra Coburn by Douglas in 1996,” says Guard. “That case ended in an abduction where Doug Carter held Anitra Coburn for 28 days, and on the 28th day he killed her and intended to kill himself.” Guard says that the Coburn case was the “impetus for change” within the Pitt County Sheriff’s Office. Following her death, the Sheriff’s office started the Domestic Violence Prevention Unit, whose members are responsible for responding to any domestic violence-related crimes within Pitt county.
“We attended a lot of trainings, we changed our policy internally, and we built good relationships within the criminal justice system and the local
Officers responding to an incident of domestic violence conduct an 11-question Lethality Screen with the victim. Those individuals screened as high-risk are informed of their victimization risk and notified that individuals in similar circumstances have been killed. The officer encourages the victim to speak with an advocate, using the officer’s cell phone on scene, to discuss immediate safety planning assistance and arrange further services. Information gathered in the on-scene assessment is shared with the domestic violence service for future follow-up. Guard knows that the journey to where they are now hasn’t been easy, but he’s proud of the progress that the Sheriff’s Office has made in its response to reducing domestic violence in the community. “This has not been a cakewalk over the years. We’ve bumped our heads a number of times. We’re learning the process. But the thing I am really proud of is we’ve never looked at the issue and said, ‘It has to be done this way because it’s always been done this way.’ We kind of go off what the definition of insanity is — doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
advocates. And from there it’s been basically the same thing — continuously identifying gaps and ways to improve services to crime victims.” Another change to the department came after the 2012 death of three-year-old Jesse Adams, killed by his father as an act of retaliation following ongoing domestic issues with the boy’s mother. Adams’ death prompted then-sheriff Neil Elks to apply for a federal grant to assist the department in preventing domestic violence-related murders. In 2013, Pitt County was one of 12 Phase One sites chosen to receive the grant. Through on-site visits and grantee submission, Pitt County was one of only two sites invited to move forward based on their readiness for model implementation and data-sharing capacity. Phase Two funding allowed for the implementation of a domestic violence homicide prevention model developed by the Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence called the Lethality Assessment Program. The program is a collaborative effort between local law enforcement agencies and domestic violence services to assist state and local officials identify potential homicide victims and conduct risk-assessments for known offenders. 24
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER Guard knows that a strong community and increased knowledge is essential if the Sheriff’s Office is going to succeed in reducing domestic violence. “Anyone, whether you’re a victim or not, has the potential to help someone who’s affected by domestic violence help them to become safer,” says Guard. “It is a necessity that all members of our community become aware of what domestic violence is and what it is not and have that knowledge base.” Guard also encourages community members to understand the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship. “Learn about the indicators of power and control, because domestic violence isn’t as simplistic as some people think it is,” Guard says. “Individuals who perpetrate domestic violence do not go out on the first date and slap the individual. It just doesn’t happen. There is a good 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 dates and then the behavior evolves into control. Controlling how they’re around, what they wear. You see more and more put downs targeting an individual’s self-esteem and self-confidence; they isolate the potential victim from family, from friends, and their support network, and then they’re alone. They’re on an island by themselves. And the defendant then, that power and control in a lot of situations evolves into physical violence.” That isolation is exactly what Kameron, a local woman who experienced abuse at the hands of her husband,
Her — January 2019
escaped last month, in part thanks to the Domestic Violence Unit at the Sheriff’s Office. “He isolated me from all of the people around me that loved me and lifted me up,” Kameron explained. “And then he isolated me from him, on his terms. I would only get his love when he felt like I was about to leave. It was accepting that I loved [him], but you don’t love me enough, or the right way, and you never will. It will be like this forever until I die.” That isolation was peppered with bouts of violence, including one in March of 2018 that required a visit to the emergency room for stitches. Unfortunately, Kameron’s drug use kept her from reporting any of the violence to police for fear of losing her children. “I was always scared that I would be in trouble because he was driving me around on drugs,” she says. “But had I been alone, or had he not been pushing them, I wouldn’t have taken all of them. But I got clean. I got clean while I was still in the situation [of domestic violence]. “[When I was talking to the detectives] I was like, look, here’s the only thing. I will tell you everything. I will tell you the parts that happened in that time, and the reason why I didn’t pursue charges further at that time is because I was scared of getting in trouble. So my only requirement is that I can’t be in trouble. You cannot take me away from my children. I don’t get arrested for being a drug addict. I don’t get arrested for any of those things.’ And he’s like, we don’t arrest victims.” Although Kameron doesn’t like the idea of calling herself a victim — she prefers the term “former victim turned survivor” — it was still a nerve-wracking time for her after she made the decision to leave. “The last week before, I told him to get out twice. I wasn’t scared if he left. I wanted him to leave. That’s when I knew. That’s when the acceptance came that he is narcissistic, and I can’t take that. This [expletive] is never going to change and I’m going to live this life every day and I’m not doing it. Whenever I can get my [expletive] together, I will know when it’s time. And I did. You have to believe that intuition.” But Kameron says that the more she spoke to the sheriff’s office, the more detectives realized how dangerous of a situation she was truly in. Once they started putting all of the pieces together and pulling up the reports from March, they were like, ‘Oh my God, we’ve got to get you in front of a judge.’”
In North Carolina, in 2018 there have been
48 domestic related homicides as of Sept. 15, 2018
STOP
Pain from Varicose Veins Reduce Leg Pain & Swelling Eliminate Bulging Veins at the Source Safe, Comfortable Laser Energy Treatments take Less than an Hour Easy Recovery
2101 W Arlington Blvd, Greenville 252.754.5253 | easternrad.com
Her — January 2019
25
panel
H OW D O YO U
W H AT WO U L D
THINK WE CAN
YO U D O I F YO U
HELP PREVENT
K N E W A L OV E D O N E
S I T UAT I O N S
WA S S U F F E R I N G
OF DOMESTIC
FROM DOMESTIC
V I O L E N C E / S E X UA L
V I O L E N C E / S E X UA L
A S S AU LT ?
A S S AU LT ?
Help them find counseling/support group and get out of the situation —Susan May, 45, Tarboro Speak more on the topic. Be a voice for those who are silent. —Felicia Vines, 42, Greenville I would talk one on one with him or her, have resources available and stay in touch them. —Mamie McCray, 48, Bethel Encourage them to use their voice & speak up by first going to the police. —Carla R Cannon, 33, Greenville I would start by talking to the abuser, some people would say just leave but if they have been in the relationship for a while it's not that easy to leave because of the fear. —Theresa McKoy, 60, Greenville I would try to encourage this person to get out of that situation and get help. —Lucile Yoakum I would ask the loved one if we could talk, if they say yes, I would be there to support that person, I would give advice if they only asked for it. If they chose not to hear my advice, I would let them know I was there for them whenever they needed me. —Jeannie Cleaton, 68, Ayden
Take a RAD (Rape Aggression Defense) class from Greenville PD or ECU PD, which teaches self defense. —Susan May, 45, Tarboro Knowing the causes and signs of domestic violence and being a good friend that communicates; it’s important that people aren’t isolated. —Mamie McCray, 48, Bethel By NOT ignoring red flags early on. —Carla R Cannon, 33, Greenville We can educate the abuser and they must want the help. —Theresa McKoy, 60, Greenville Domestic Violence needs to be talked about, workshops taught about the dangers of DV. Make our women and children know that this is not alright and it’s not their fault. —Lucile Yoakum We must empower women so that they know they do not have to deal with that kind of treatment and there are ways to get away from it and start over. —Crystal Hildenbrand, 45, Greenville
H E R PA N E L CO N T R I B U TO R S
FELICIA VINES
26
Her — January 2019
S U SA N M AY
C R YS TA L H I L D E N B R A N D
If you would like to be one of our panelists, email Mackenzie at mtewksbury@reflector.com.
W H AT WA S YO U R FAVO R I T E PA R T A B O U T 2018?
W H AT A R E T WO O F YO U R 2 0 1 9 G OA L S ?
Write more goals. Continue full force on my uncompleted 2018 goals —Felicia Vines, 42, Greenville To be more creative and effective in all that I do. —Mamie McCray, 48, Bethel My 2019 goal is to love more with all the hatred in the world today love is the only thing that will help us. —Theresa McKoy, 60, Greenville My goal for 2019 is to shop @ Tiffany's & Cartier of NY because I've never been! Secondly, I need to work on my patience toward others especially when someone impatiently gets into my lane while driving! ;-) —Lien Hou, 45, Grimesland
Going to events with my loved ones and friends. —Susan May, 45, Tarboro The birth of my niece and every moment I spend with my Mom…both are precious to me. —Mamie McCray, 48, Bethel Building a solid team for my business! —Carla R Cannon, 33, Greenville My favorite part of 2018 was welcoming my new granddaughter Harmony & being a part of my son's wedding proposal —Theresa McKoy, 60, Greenville My favorite part of 2018 was that my mom wasn't hospitalized and i rescued a 5 day old kitten Harley. —Lucile Yoakum
To enjoy everyday with my husband, none of us ever know what life will bring us in the future. To live healthier. —Jeannie Cleaton, 68, Ayden
We were very blessed to purchase a place on the sound. It’s great to be able to get away and meet new friends and enjoy activities with them. —Jeannie Cleaton, 68, Ayden
Buy a house and run an ultra marathon —Crystal Hildenbrand, 45, Greenville
2018 was highlighted by our decision to radically change our life by permanently living in our RV in a lovely campground community. This transition was surprisingly smooth and was a great time of the year for my husband and me. —Mary Anne Pennington, 73, Winterville
2019 goal #1 is to focus on knowing God's Will for me; and goal #2 is to continue to live a grateful and healthy life being a productive "senior" member of society. —Mary Anne Pennington, 73, Winterville
CO N N I E M O O R E CO R E Y
CA R L A R CA N N O N
J E A N N I E C L E ATO N
Her — January 2019
MARY ANNE P E N I N GTO N
27
nutrition
NEW
Years Making
Resolutions by Jennifer Klutz
Holidays can be fun and full of activities, friends and family. They can also be stressful and exhausting. You may feel relieved that the festivities are over for another year…then the year’s end sneaks up and hits you with the obligatory New Year’s Resolutions! You may have the best of intentions, but they are oftentimes very broad, which can lead to frustration, then to giving up. It’s time to break the cycle! Keeping your resolutions small and realistic can help you stay on track. Below are some common examples with tips that can help you to stay on-track with those New Year’s Resolutions!
1. Lose weight Start with a realistic goal of losing 5-10% of your current body weight. Research shows that a modest weight loss can significantly improve health and decrease the risk of certain diseases. For example, if you weigh 160 pounds that would be a goal weight loss of 8-16 pounds. Once you reach that goal, you can modify it.
2. Start Exercising Set a specific goal. For example begin walking 10 minutes per day. Just remember, before you start any new exercise program, it is always recommended you speak to your physician.
3. Eat Healthier Perhaps you can start with a goal of eating one extra serving of fruit or one extra serving of vegetables daily or decreasing soda by one cup daily. Once you are comfortable with that small change, you can choose another improvement to make. Small steps in the right direction add up over time to make a bigger impact! Keep those New Year’s resolutions real, and if you have a moment of weakness, remember that tomorrow is another day and a fresh start! You CAN make those resolutions stick!
and sticking to them 28
Her — January 2019
healthier
CREAMY
CHICKEN & BROCCOLI CASSEROLE
I N G R E D I E N T S • 1 (12-ounce) package steam-in-bag broccoli florets • 1 tablespoon canola oil • 1 cup chopped onion • 2 (8-ounce) packages pre-sliced mushrooms • 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour • 1 1/2 cups fat-free milk
• 1/2 cup plain fat-free Greek yogurt • 1/4 cup low-fat mayonnaise • 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper • 1/4 teaspoon salt • 2 ounces sharp cheddar cheese, shredded (about 1/2 cup) • 1 ounce Parmesan cheese, grated (about 1/4 cup)
I N S T R U C T I O N S Preheat broiler. Prepare broccoli in microwave according to package directions. Heat a large ovenproof skillet over medium-high heat. Add oil to pan; swirl to coat. Add onion and mushrooms; cook 12 minutes or until mushrooms brown and liquid evaporates, stirring occasionally. Sprinkle mushroom mixture with flour; cook 1 minute, stirring constantly. Stir in milk. Bring to a boil; cook 3 minutes or until thick and bubbly. Stir in broccoli and chicken; cook 1 minute. Remove pan from heat. Stir in yogurt, mayonnaise, pepper, and salt. Top evenly with cheeses; broil 2 minutes. Note: Delicious served over brown rice!
Nutrition Info: Calories 250; Fat 10g; Sat fat 3g; Protein 29.g; Carbohydrate 12g; Fiber 3g; Cholesterol 66mg, Sodium 285 mg Modified from Mom's Creamy Chicken and Broccoli Casserole at www.cookinglight.com
• 3 cups chopped cooked skinless, boneless chicken breasts
Her — January 2019
29
“One Word!” By Coach Chris
Hello Ladies! I pray that this article finds you kicking the
Bishop Rosie S. O’neal of Koinonia Christian Center…my
it! I was reflecting upon the fact that I have been writing for
ONE word for 2019 is “RECOVER.” She was talking about
HER since 2012 and it has been a blessing for me to be able
the story of this Bible character named David who was fac-
to share with you on a monthly basis things that I have been
ing some serious defeat but was told by His Lord to Pursue,
through, experienced, and learned. Thank you for being avid
Overtake and Recover All. This was a powerful story to me
readers of what I contribute, I really appreciate each of you
because David really could have just given up in the face of
and I pray that this year will be the most prosperous and
all that he was going through (losing his home, losing his
blessed year that you have ever had thus far!
family, losing some of the people who were on his team, and
I have an Executive Mentor who is an integral part of
losing some other very valuable possessions) but he chose
what I call my “Dream Team…” (I firmly believe that every
to listen to His Lord and KEEP GOING! After he obeyed His
person who sets out to be successful and significant in life
Lord, David was able to RECOVER all that he lost! It was an
must have good people around them). I believe that you
amazing story packed with so many lessons!
must have someone who pours into you, someone you are
The word “Recover” means: to return to a normal state of
able to pour with, and someone you are able to pour into.
health, mind, and strength; to find or regain possession of
A dream team is critical because these people help to push,
something stolen or lost. Let me share why this word means
pull, and promote you in ways that are critical for your
so much to me and will carry me through 2019. You see,
success and destiny in life! Well, my Executive Mentor is one
there are some things that I have been trying to accomplish
whom I consider a “Questions Expert.” What I mean by that
and see happen in my life since 2011 and the battle has been
is, he just has a way to ask you questions to help you get to
exhausting…I have cried some tears over the years and
the heart of the matter, so to speak. He frames things in such
made strides in some areas and fell by the wayside in other
a way that empowers you to sit and reflect and then come
areas…but when I think about RECOVER, I think about pos-
up with an answer to help you move forward in life.
turing myself to regain ground and win—even in the face of
So, I was taking a class with my mentor back in Novem-
past challenges. Sometimes when you have tried to succeed
ber of 2018, and he posed this question to the group: “If you
and failed, you can find yourself in a mental posture of being
had to chose a ONE word focus for your life for the next
stuck but for me, not this year…I refuse to allow various
year—what would it be?” At this point, my mind starts
areas of my life not to progress…I plan to RECOVER all that
racing because I am thinking of all the possible words that
I lost in years past—just like the Biblical character David!
mean something significant to me…I thought “Routine”—
Listen, as you approach 2019, I want to encourage you to
because I realized that routines lead to results,
think about choosing your ONE word focus. Let this be the
then I thought about “Health” because I need-
guiding word that helps you to maintain a posture of win-
ed to make some serious adjustments in my
ning in 2019. I cannot promise you that every day is going
life as it relates to a healthy lifestyle, then I
to be easy. You may have some difficult days. But, you will
thought about the word “Focus”….but to
have some victorious days as well! Don’t get caught up in
be honest with you, none of those words
the hype of the “New Year”…instead have a strategic focus
were doing it for me.
and then go after it with your whole heart! You were made
I kept pondering and pon-
advice 30
service listening to a profound message being delivered by
year off with a bang! Well, 2019 is here! I can hardly believe
to win in life…and I believe that 2019 will set the stage for
dering over what my ONE
the most productivity and results that you have ever seen
word focus for my life could
in your life up until this point! Until we connect again,
be and it hit me one day
have an amazing January and remember… all
while I was sitting in a church
need is ONE Word!
Her — January 2019
you
resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
If you suspect you or someone you love is a victim of domestic violence, the The North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence outlines some things to look out for: • Showing jealousy of the victim’s family and friends and time spent away • Controlling who the victim sees, where they go, or what they do • Dictating how the victim dresses, wears their hair, etc.
Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the US, anytime, to talk via text about any type of crisis including domestic violence.
Center for Family Violence Prevention PO Box 8429 Greenville, NC 27835-8429 Office: 252-758-4400 Crisis: 252-752-3811 Fax: 252-752-4197 Website: c4fvp.org
Ruth’s House - A Domestic Violence Shelter for Women and Children
• Stalking the victim or monitoring their victim’s every move (in person or also via the internet and/or other devices such as GPS tracking or the victim’s phone)
228 W Main St, Washington, NC 27889 Phone: (252) 940-0007
• Preventing the victim from making their own decisions
800-656-HOPE (4673)
• Inequality between the people involved (i.e. the abusive person shows a lack of respect or concern for the other person)
North Carolina Coalition Against Sexual Assault
• Lack of choice • Fear or uncertainty (i.e. one person feeling “on guard” or afraid because of the abusive person’s unpredictable behavior or language • Suspicion or lack of trust (i.e. the abusive person constantly demanding that the other person prove themselves or account for their whereabouts or behavior)
National Sexual Assault Hotline
811 Spring Forest Road, Suite 900 Raleigh, NC 27609 Phone: 919-871-1015 Fax: 919-871-5895
REAL Crisis Intervention 1011 Anderson St. Greenville, NC 27858 Administrative Line: (252) 758-4357 Crisis Line(s): (252) 758-HELP Fax: (252) 758-0455 Website: www.realcrisis.org
East Carolina University Victim Advocacy 127 Umstead Building Greenvlle, NC 27858 252-737-1466 ecuva@ecu.edu
Her — January 2019
31
RE
OR
THE
Y REF DAIL LECT
F L E C T O R.C O M