news & Opinion | News of the weird Witness Protection
Even dangerous felons sometimes serve short sentences, but Benito VasquezHernandez, 58 — guilty of nothing — has been locked up for nearly 900 days (as of early March) as a “material witness” in a Washington County, Oregon, murder case. The prosecutor is convinced that VasquezHernandez saw his own son, Eloy, murder a woman in 2012, and the case is on hold until the victim’s body is found. The judge has given Vasquez-Hernandez two opportunities to leave, both impractical (pay a $500,000 bond or give a video deposition, but he speaks no English, is illiterate in Spanish and, said his lawyer, might be mentally incompetent). (Consolation: Material witnesses in Oregon earn $7.50 a day.)
cockroaches’ legendary survivability. A Mother Nature News commentator wrote, hopefully, that understanding roaches’ personalities might make us “less quick” to “grab a shoe.”
U-S-A! U-S-A!
• Americans Abroad: (1) American sisters Lindsey, 22, and Leslie Adams, 20, were convicted, fined and deported by Cambodia’s Siem Reap Court in February after taking several nude photos of each other at Can’t Possibly Be True the Preah Khan temple, apparently for their • Ranson IB Middle School in Charlotte, social media “friends.” The Angkor ArchaeoNorth Carolina, has a strict logical Park, where the dress code (requiring, for temple is located, is reportexample, only “hunter green” edly the world’s largest reliouterwear). Thus, on Jan. 27, gious monument. (2) Two when parent Chanda Spates other American women dispatched her three kids in were arrested in March for ted cruz, improperly hued coats, Rancarving 8-inch initials into canadian hero son officials confiscated the a wall at Rome’s ancient “contraband” clothing, leavColosseum and then ing the three (along with 20 snapping selfies for their other sartorial miscreants) to friends. • Recurring Theme: The Continuing Crisis make their way home after Among the most recent • The trendy St. Pauli neighborhood in classes with no outerwear at lives ruined by badly historic Hamburg, Germany, suffers its all — though the temperabotched prosecutions: (1) share of uncouth revelers who wander out ture that afternoon was in Joseph Sledge, now 70, from nightclubs seeking restroom facilities the 30s. (Following parental was released from prison but too often choose walls of storefronts outrage, the administrators in North Carolina in Januapologized.) and private homes, reported London’s The ary after wrongly serving • A female teacher workGuardian in a March dispatch. The solution, 36 years for a double muring for the Arizona Departaccording to the civic group IG St. Pauli: der; hair samples (revealing another man’s ment of Corrections was brutally assaulted paint jobs with an “intensely hydrophobic” in prison by a sexual predator and has sued DNA), long thought to be lost, were discovproduct known as Ultra-Ever Dry,” which ered in a court clerk’s storage room. (2) Kirk the department, but in February the state somewhat propels liquid aimed at it right Odom, 52, served 22 years after his wrongattorney general’s office, contesting the back toward the source by creating an air ful Washington, D.C., conviction for rape lawsuit, told the judge, basically, that the barrier on the surface. In other words, said and robbery; a court in February awarded teacher understood all along that she could an IG St. Pauli official, it’s “pee back” time, him $9.2 million in compensation, but on get attacked in prison. She was adminisand shoes and trouser legs should expect the other hand, after several prison rapes, he tering inmates a GED exam, but that day splashes. had no guard support, not even one to hear had contracted HIV. (Odom is one of sev• We have “139 frogs, toads, lizards, eral D.C. men convicted of rape or murder her screams, and was given an emergency turtles,” Ms. Thayer Cuter told Seattle’s based on erroneous analysis by an “elite” FBI radio tuned to an unmonitored frequency. MyNorthwest.com in March, touting her hair-analysis unit.) Nonetheless, Assistant Attorney General Edmonds, Washington, amphibian rescue shop, especially the heroic job done recently Jonathan Weisbard essentially shrugged: “The risk of harm, including assault, always Least Competent Criminals on Rocky, the Texas toad who came with stones in his tummy. “He had to have a lot of exist(s) at a prison like Eyman.” Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Tyler enemas (but) Rocky is rock-free now” and, Lankford, 21, attempting a robbery of after passing all the pebbles, is finally able Compelling Explanations Minerva’s Bakery in McKeesport, Pennto eat. Added Cuter, turtles are underrated Clueless in Florida’s Panhandle: (1) sylvania, in January, committed (according pets, “very social” and love massages and Debra Mason, 58, was arrested for theft of to police) the rookie mistake of laying his “cuddl(ing).” a pickup truck in Destin, Florida, in Janugun on the counter so he could pick up the • The Job of the Researcher: Cockroaches ary — and according to police, Mason said money with both hands. The clerk grabbed can be bold explorers or shy and withdrawn, she knew it was stolen property but “didn’t the gun, and Lankford fled but was arrested according to recent work by researchers at think it was ‘that’ stolen.” (2) Ten miles away in March. (2) There are expert counterfeitBelgium’s Universite Libre de Bruxelles, in Mary Esther, Florida, in February, Robert ers, and then there is Cass Alder, 22, conwho caught a bunch of them, affixed radio Pursley, 54, was arrested for DUI and was victed by a court in Canada’s Prince Edward tags and studied their movements. “Explor- asked about items in his truck. According Island of trying to pass $100 bills that had ers” are necessary for locating food sources, to the police report, Pursley insisted that been printed on napkins but affixed by although, obviously, they are also most everything was his — “except for anything Alder onto thicker paper. likely to find Roach Motels; “shy, cautious” illegal.” A baggie of cocaine was in the truck’s roaches are necessary for survival and group center console. stability, and a mixture of the types ensures
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Is This a Great Country, or What?
“America’s Game” Is Gaming the Government: The U.S. Treasury recently took in more than $40 billion by auctioning off part of the wireless spectrum, but one buyer — the Dish satellite-TV provider — got a discount worth $3.25 billion by convincing the Federal Communications Commission that it is a “very small business” (despite its market value of $34 billion). Using aweinspiring loophole-management, Dish created a separate company in partnership with a small Alaskan Natives’ group, which theoretically “managed” the company — though the Alaskans’ hands were tied by an earlier Dish-friendly contract. Thus, Dish got the benefits of being “very small” while retaining control — a “mockery” (said one commissioner) of the FCC’s simple-minded attempt to help small businesses.
The Jesus and Mary World Tour (allnew!)
Recent Personal Appearances: Swansea, Wales, January ( Jesus in fur in a Yorkshire terrier’s ear); Crowthorne, England, January ( Jesus as bird poop on a car); West Kilbride, England, December ( Jesus on a stone in a garden); Pocono Summit, Pennsylvania, November ( Jesus on a serving of chicken breast); Polk City, Iowa, November (Mary on a tree trunk); Memphis, Tennessee, September ( Jesus on a tree trunk); Fresno, California, October ( Jesus in a plume of smoke in a house fire); Ecorse, Michigan, September ( Jesus on a pierogi); Liberty, Texas, September ( Jesus on a downed tree); Jackson County, Mississippi, May ( Jesus in a rusted air-conditioner unit). Swansea:
A News of the Weird Classic (April 2010)
Supervisors at the Department for Work and Pensions in Carlisle, England, issued a directive in March (2010) to short-handed staff on how to ease their telephone workload during the busy mid-day period. Workers were told to pick up the ringing phone, recite a message while mimicking an answering machine (“Due to the high volume of inquiries we are currently experiencing, we are unable to take your call. Please call back later.”) and immediately hang up. By chuck shepherd UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
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