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• 23
The UEA Enquirer Mark McBuff prepares to jettison Dr. ~ur Thompson
UEA WNS THE TOSS UEA's mighty Mark McBuff hurled a blinder in this year's annual lecturer-tossing championships, securing the University's position at the top of the league for the second year running. Dumfries born McBuff dispensed with History lecturer Arthur Thompson over a distance of 40 metres, breaking the record he set last year. Thompson bounced twice before coming to rest on the 40.02 mark. Though Thompson himself was on a strictly liquid diet and unable to talk, he managed to avoid the coma that has befallen him during previous years. His wife, Fran Thompson, assured the Enquirer that he was delighted with the result. "Arthur is always very proud to participate in the Lecturer tossing championship." She said, arms wrapped tightly round the eighteen stone frame of her husband's del\ghted tosser, "He is
Fecal matter went flying last night as UEA failed to qualify for the second round of the inter-university fetching c hampionships . Tension was high at t he m easurement cup, as the stoic pairing of Eric Flat and Martha m enc e tried t o deposit a greater volume than t hat s e t by Essex's c hampion pairing o f Mark Sphinc and Peter Tre. As the scales tipped from Flat's spatter, though. it was apparent that the couple had been unable to equal the capacious amount emitted by Peter 'the Kleenex from Essex' Tre. Clearly distraught at the thought of a year's hard training wasted, Flat and Ulence staggered from the auditorium nursing each other with consolatory words and touching. The
pair were unable to comment following the performance. due to "nerve exhaustion". Coach Pat Revlon said of the defeat. "It was an unlucky draw. that was all. I've seen Eric pull much more than that before and, at the end of the day. we couldn't afford to be sloppy against Essex, they've just got too much experience under their belt." Essex rode high for the remainder of the competition, but the gruelling fourteen-hours of slopping was clearly taking its toll as the pair swapped positions before taking on the St. Andrews' powerhouse combination of Martin Slur and Wendy Ping. The St. Andrews Couple proved too intimidating; largely due to Ping's excellent muscle control forged by years of Ping
delighted to be the implement of the winning throw and always manages to get out of hospital in time for the competition... She also took the opportunity to rebuff recent criticisms of the sport as unnecessarily barbaric towards the lee turers that partici ate. "Arthur wrote his most famous paper as a result of his coma. how could that be a bad thing?" McBuff, with his modest self-assurance, took the time to also praise Arthur's involvement "I really couldn't have done it without him; he's a real asset to the UEA teaching community". This is the last year that McBuff will compete on behalf of UEA as he is graduating this year, prompting concerns about the future of UEA's success at the sport. Thompson will be part of the team next year, but the tossing privilege will be passed to Welshman Taff Denlaferty.
TARRED WITH THE SAME BRUSH UEA's next cross country season could be in for a rough patch after new guidelines were issued by BUSA stating that all .cross country events must now take place accross Tar Pits in order to be classified as 'crosscountry'. BUSA have decided that Britain's landscape is far too man-made and does not. therefore. qualifY as natural countryside. Under the new guidelines, Tar Pits. which generally date back to the prehistoric era. are the only known environs that have been free of Man's influence. The decision was made after BUSA's CEO, Harry Manckettle, had a conversation with an unknown Geography Lecturer who informed him of the potential irony involved in the sport's name. Manckettle has a pathological fear of irony in sporting affairs, having worked as a sports commentator alongside David Coleman for many years. He was found guilty of assaulting on a reporter for the City College Questioner, when the reporter asked him a question he took to be laced with irony.
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Pong practice. At 5am this morning. they became the first boy-girl couple to raise the golden purse in five year.s . There is still hope for UEA glory as the couple will go on to compete for the University's International Glimping Cup. which takes place over August in Latvia. UEA has always done well in this competition, but there is speculation that losing the cream of National University Felching may demoralise the pair and keep success out of reach. Next year may see the end of the championships as the town of Felch in the US state of Michigan have lobbied the US Senate over use of the word. They say that using it in this context is degrading to their townspeople and potentially unconstitutional.
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