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backyard full of beer cans, vomit, condoms, traffic cones, and the odd comatosed rugby player. A good alternative is to have a park nearby, if only because arcane party law states that men, once pissed, are duty-bound to go and have a game of football. Neighbours, too, are a consideration when choosing a house. Beware the landlord who tells of the 'nice old couple next door' - the slightest whiff of music after ten at night and they'll be on the phone immediately, resulting in four van-loads of Plod and his mates descending on your gathering. Of course, some people don't consider it a successful party unless this happens ... Generally, it's far better to live next to other students. Strangely enough though, it's not so bad living next door to a family, Simply stick a note through their letter box giving advance warning, and come the day of the party, they'll be off to the coast for the weekend, guaranteed! A common mistake made by first-time househunters is to be impressed by rooms that look nice. Y'know, plush carpets, lovely white ceilings etc. That's BAD! If you're likely to hold parties, what you want are coffee-coloured carpets and nicotine-stained ceilings. That way, you won't have your damage deposit cruelly curtailed by your landlord at the end of the year. Talking of carpets, check to see if the house comes with a decent vacuum cleaner, ideally with an attachment that soaks up spilt beer. No party is complete without at least one pie-eyed goon opening their can of Fosters and producing a shower of epic proportions! Before signing on the dotted line, scout around the immediate area for those all-important amenities. Firstly a kebab shop, without which no party is complete. Secondly, make sure there's an offlicense nearby, otherwise all the booze will be gone by 11, and so will your guests. Finally, if you can't find a suitable house for partying in, have no fear. Pile around to your mates, tell them how it's done, and then run off home at the end of the night, leaving them to tidy up while you enjoy a good night's sleep at home.
ome survival
The ten essential nik-naks that no student hoane should be Mthout 1. BLOW UP ARMCHAIR Impress all your mates, at least until one of them stubs out their fag on it. 2. LAVA LAMP Ultimate kitsch accessory, for that allimportant sleazy 70s brothel vibe. 3. 'AMUSING' COMEDY ALARM CLOCK If someone stays the night, this gizmo'll ensure they never come back again. 4. INDESTRUCTIBLE PLANT The Queen Mum of the plant world. It'll refuse to die, despite not being watered, exposed to sunlight, and kicked over regularly. 5. WASHING BASKET Fill it within the first fortnight, and then leave to rot for the rest of the year till your parents arrive to pick you up. Nice.
6. SUBSTITUTE ASHTRA VS Y'know, plates, pint glasses, yoghurt pots- hell, even your housemate's fluffy bunny slippers if things get desperate! 7. RICHARD ASHCROFT DARTBOARD You might have to make it yourself, but the hours of fun you'll have with it will be a fair reward. 8. TRAFFIC CONE Gosh, the japes us students get up to ... Alternatives: road sign, policeman's helmet, or for the really ambitious, a bus shelter. 9. ETHNIC 'THING' Perhaps a rug, or maybe a garish drape. If possible, tie-dye it. 10.BUTLER Yes, I know it's not likely, but if four of you club together with student loans ...