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THE MAN ON THE TWENTY DOLLAR BILL & THE MAN IN THE WHITE How US President Andrew Jackson Set the Stage for Barack Obama’s Presidency






p on f irst g l ance one c an b e forgiven for not perceiving the connection between the seventh president of the United States and the forty-third. Other than the usual standards among presidents, such as a charismatic personality and strong work ethic, there are few parallels between the two men. Nevertheless, despite the many differences in their personalities and values, Jackson's presidency was extraordinary important for the presidents that followed in his wake, particularly one like Obama. Obama's expansive economic policy would not be possible without the expansions of presidental authority pioneered by Jackson. In the midst of the recent historic presidential election there has been a vibrant new crop of biographies on presidents of the United States. Several of which focused on the seventh president, including Andrew Jackson: American Lion by Jon Meacham. Mr. Meacham does an admirable job of covering the life of...

he amazing trick of transmitting T a human voice over vast distances became possible on a massive scale in




POTENTIAL energy TXT to ARMS (*2767) A letter to CHESTER COPPERPOT SIP vs. The Sultans of Cellular Subliminal PROTOLINGUISTICS ANDREW JACKSON kicks your ass Adam Hasner CHUGS H8RADE P.A.I.N.T. by numbers D.I.Y. advertising (for us) MOON RAPES SUN: nihilist doesn’t care How to be a MEDIUM-SIZED FISH BUBBLING CRUDE BOOBIES POMES & IMPROPERGANDA Miss Baker gives Ciara THE SHIV MISS FORTUNE’S horrorscopes How to SUBMIT YOUR WORK

But First . . . A Brief History of Telephony BY M IGUEL E STEBAN

the 1870s with the invention of the carbon button microphone by Thomas Edison, a technology which unlocked the full potential of the worldwide telegraph network. Over the next century telephone technology evolved very little, until 1979, when Nippon Telegraph & Telephone (NTT) cut the cord & built the world’s first cellular network in Japan; & thus, the portable telephone was born. Over the last thirty years the telephone has evolved even littler. Literally. By 1989, what began as a bulky “car phone” became truly “mobile” with the introduction of Motorola’s pocket-sized MicroTAC. Two years later digital networks replaced analog when Finland introduced GSM (Global System for Mobile), followed by the introduction...


1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: 7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15. 16.

How I Cut My Phone Bill From $130 to $25 per Month (& So Can You!)

Sunshine Superband’s SubCommandante on patrol.

D R O P S IT I NT O G E A R W I TH ‘ AUTH O R ’ I T Y ! !


KRISTINA B OSWELL his is a tale about a girl named ‘Otter’ & a troll named ‘Tree’. Otter ran from society, sick of being judged “crazy”. She packed a tent, lantern, & clothes & set off to make the forest her home. She arrived on foot pushing a wheelbarrow of supplies. The Troll materialized & offered her a ride in his canoe. Up the river to the Maggie Sue, he sputtered, “It’s the perfect place for you.” The forest is your home. . . BY


We t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!

From the Copy Room...

LAYMEN&GENTLELADIES, you currently hold in your

CHECKYOURCALENDAR Gregorian: Friday, 1 May 2009 Mayan: Long count =;

tzolkin = 13 Oc; haab = 8 Uo

hands the DEBUT ISSUE of WEAKLY TELEPATH: French: 12 Floréal an 217 de la Révolution THE POPULIST PRESS, Orlando’s up-&-coming EsIslamic: 6 Jumada I 1430 sentially Mental™ newspaper. KUDOS TO JACK for offerHebrew: 7 Iyar 5769 ing up his firstborn commie lovechild for ENHANED Julian: 18 April 2009 SATIRICAL TECHNIQUES. Thanks also to BAMBI HELIISO: Day 5 of week 18 of 2009 COPTER for coining our nom de plume. And, lastly, Persian: 11 Ordibehest 1388 ECONOLOCKAHATCHEE-SIZED props to our dearly Ethiopic: 23 Miyazya 2001 departed P HILADELPHIA INDEPENDENT whose aesCoptic: 23 Barmundah 1725 thetic we plundered like PREMODERN Chinese: Cycle 78, year 26 (Ji-Chou), PAPER PIRATES. month 4 (Ji-Si), day 7 (Bing-Wu) Were we MEEK FOLK - like those proJulian day: 2454953 phesized by MATTHEW - whom shall Discordian: Sweetmorn, Discord 48, inherit (what’s left of) the EARTH after Year of Our Lady of Discord 3175 POWERMONGERS, OLIGARCHS, Douglas Zongker’s Calendar & USURPERS, on some distant & MIRACULOUS DAY share their disproportionate SLICE OF THE PIE with those under them on the TOTEM POLE, then perhaps we wouldn’t take FUNNY SHIT SO SERIOUSLY.

Alas, we are A MERICA’S I MMIGRANT D AUGHTERS & S ONS. We march to D RUMS OF L IBERTY. When we are reminded of T HOMAS J EFFERSON’S words “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance...” it makes our M ERCURY R ISE to oberve libertines S LOTHFULLY F RITTERING away their potential energy inside of ‘ C OMPLACENCY C OCOONS’. What H UBRIS D RIVES P EOPLE to blame the I LLS OF S OCIETY on the involvement of “ T HE T HEM” rather than the non-involvement of “ T HE U S”?


MY FELLOW ORLANDOANS, why twiddle your thumbs waiting for knuckle-dragging CITY PLANNERS to conjure up a “CULTURAL CORRIDOR” out of the SUBURBAN ETHER? Let’s raise our “ C-T-B-U-T-FOOL ” out of the G OO- G OO M UCK on our own! If you’re a JACK or JILL with ‘WEAKLY TELEPATHIC’ abilities, fulfill your PATRIOT DUTY by spreading your PERSONAL PROPAGANDA across CENTRAL FLORIDA & the WORLD WIDE WEB the day before tomorrow! PLEASE FEED US WORDS & IMAGES VIA EMAIL: s u b m i s s i o n s @ w e ak -



2009! Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

Vol. 1 Issue 1 Chester Copperpot 1027 S. Powderhorn Road Silver City, NM 20500

Dear Mr.




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The preceding is a You-Sir-Whee Contract™ Additional monthly service charges are applicable includ ing Freedom Card Usurpian Package™ featuring Money Shrinker™ debt-consolidation services Distribu tion Optimator™ for enabling hands-free Freedom Card Shiny™ use & Super Whammy™, our “accidental” overbiller Additional hovering and/or hidden fees are buried in small-print which upon reading you for feit any right legal or implied to contest the fees you discover Freedom Card Shiny™ is a registered trademark of America Bank™ America Bank™ is a subsidiary of Bank of the World™ Bank of the World™ is a face-less transnational conglomerate that answers to nobody unless cornered To contact Bank of the World™  organize a massive global protest or else enlist the aid of secretive manipulators within your government If talking to a machine makes you feel any better then dial 1-800-TUF-LUCK To speak with a living Freedom Card Shiny™ associate in another country who does not speak your language max-out your Freedom Card Shiny™ first then call America Bank™’s EUCN Everchanging Unlisted Corporate Num ber] To obtain America Bank™’s EUCN first dial America Bank™’s EUCN then press ‘%’ on a touch-tone phone & follow the automated prompts to enter your Social Security number SSN] & your Freedom Card Shiny™ number followed by your address vital medical statistics & the address & vital medical statis tics of your nearest relative You ‘will be issued a confidential password that must be deciphered into Pig Latin Stay on hold while listening to muzak for nearly an hour tattoo “PATRIOT ACT” across your forehead then leave a message is accepted.


W e t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!

Vol. 1 Issue 1

{(ALMOST) FREE PHONE CONTINUED} the way back to the International I recommend Nokias since they all in-

Telegraph Union of 1865, before the clude SIP – a universal internet proinvention of the telephone made the tocol that makes VoIP easy to use on a smart phone - & also because Nokia telegraph obsolete? hasn’t succumbed to pressure from IF VoIP ISSOCOOL,WHYAREN’T the Sultans of Cellular to squash VoIP. MORE PEOPLE USING IT? Finnish Nokia offers WiFi+SIP throughout much of their product • Most people haven’t had access to line, whereas the big American & high-speed Internet until recently, & Japanese handset brands only offer some still don’t. WiFi+SIP in their expensive flagship • Wi-Fi capable “smart” phones didn’t models, which if you can afford, then hit the market until 2005, & SIP (Ses- you probably aren’t in the market for sion Initiation Protocol) - a feature en- (almost) free phone service. As the abling mobile phones to make Wi-Fi largest manufacturer of mobile deV oIP calls just as easily as cellular calls - did- vices on the planet, I tip my hat to Nokia for making mobile VoIP affordSince cellular providers charge n’t become available on mobile phones able for all. hefty fees for using the expensive until 2006. proprietary networks that they ‘UNLOCKING’ YOUR PHONE build, maintain, & operate, the • Cellular providers first lobbied ability to make (almost) free mo- Congress to ban VoIP technology in Once you obtain a WiFi cellphone bile phone calls probably sounds 1996. They have since pressured mo- (you may have one already & not even “too good to be true”. But what if I bile phone manufacturers to “lock” know it) you’ll need to “unlock” it betold you that you don’t need cellu- their handsets to work only on cellular fore you can access the Internet to use VoIP. Since cellular providers in the lar service, or even a landline, to networks & not the Internet. USA & Canada lock the WiFi funcplace 100% free voice calls over the Internet instead? Because you can! • Skype (the first major corporation to tionality of the phones they sell so As long as both parties are con- provide comprehensive VoIP service) that the Internet can only be accessed nected to the Internet, you can call sided with cellular providers by refus- via cellular. anybody you want in the world for ing to become SIP compliant, thereby simply the cost of accessing the In- making Skype only available on com- Don’t get shammed by hucksters ternet, just like when you use puters, not mobile phones. overcharging for the “luxury” of an email & instant messaging! unlocked phone. Any phone can be • Many people don’t realize VoIP exists. unlocked by entering the master reset Known as VoIP (Voice over Interthat can be found online by runCELL - code net Protocol - pronounced voy’p), CHOOSING A WiFi ning a search using keywords such as voice calls routed via the Internet PHONE “unlock”, “code”, & the model of your are an economic alternative to cel- Wi-Fi capable phones are usually ad- phone. lular service & landlines, & their vertised as “smart” phones &/or sound quality is just as good. Of “dual-mode” phones because they Unlocking is permanent & does not course, the US Sultans of Cellular risk damaging the phone. It simply – AT&T, Verizon, Sprint, & T-Mo- work with both cellular & Wi-Fi net- resets the phone to the original facbile (Alltell was recently bought by works. Since cellular providers will tory settings before it was specifically Verizon) - are scared to death of only sell you a “rebated” or “free” locked for a carrier. Of course, you this disruptive new technology & phone when you sign a new multi- should always back up phone numare waging a quiet battle to keep year contract, you’ll need to purchase bers, pictures, & other data before remobile VoIP from saturating the a Wi-Fi cellphone from the manufac- setting a phone. Yes, your unlocked marketplace. How ironic is it then turer’s website, or an alternative auc- phone will still operate normally on that the organization that spear- tion/classifieds website. Popular your old cellular network as long as headed the standardization of models include Apple’s iPhone, Black- your carrier’s SIM chip is in it (& it VoIP (Swiss based International berry models 8120 & up, dozens of will also be compatible with any other Communication Union which cur- Nokia phones (“E” & “N” series pri- GSM cellular network just be replacrently boasts a membership of 191 marily), & models by Samsung, Sony ing the SIM chip, which can usually be nations) traces its roots all Ericsson, HTC, & LG. You should ex- found behind the battery). pect to pay approximately: $250 for a {CONTINUED NEXT PAGE} new phone/$150 for a refur-

of SMS text messaging two years after that. Several years later NTT introduced Internet on mobile devices by developing an advanced Third Generation (3G) cellular network. Then, in 2005, mobile phones capable of accessing the Internet via Wi-Fi (wireless Internet hubs) finally hit the market. Basically a handheld computer, a Wi-Fi capable phone is the type you need if you want to make (almost) free calls.


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OK. . . BUT IS IT LEGAL? The European Union has ruled against cellular providers locking phones. This means that when you purchase a cellular phone in Europe you can use it on any GSM cellular network in the world, & access WiFi hotpots for free, while making VoIP calls at your leisure. The US Congress has not been as protective of consumer rights, however the government isn’t going after the little guy over it either. The US Copyright Office, whose task it is to enforce the DMCA (Digital Millennium Copyright Act), exempts individuals who unlock their phones “for the sole purpose of lawfully connecting to a wireless telephone communication network” from prosecution. To date, nobody has been prosecuted for unlocking a phone, but I wouldn’t recommend opening a store that sells unlocked phones. Then again, it’s currently a huge business on EBay!


2009! Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

you to choose a phone number from almost any area code in the country (like Skype & Vonage). However, Gizmo5’s software lacks crucial features & customer service is non-existent. Despite an email response claiming that my service would be turned-on within minutes after I paid over the website, it took over a week for service to commence, & nobody ever bothered to respond to my email inquiries regarding the matter.


• Change the settings on your phone to makes VoIP calls by default & only dial cellular when WiFi is unavailable.

• It’s confusing enough to have two networks - with two different phone numbers - operating on the same phone. Go online & change your VoIP settings to forward incoming VoIP calls you don’t answer to your cellular number. That way you only have to hand out one number - your • TRUPHONE: Truphone also features VoIP number - but calls will get great call quality, plus smart user- through to you no matter what. friendly software that assists nicely in making VoIP work seamlessly on a • Since calls you don’t answer will be smart phone. I’ve been a satisfied Tru- forwarded to your cellular number, phone customer for over four months to you’ll be using cellular for voicemail. date, & am likely to remain one until a True to form, the Sultans of Cellular competitor throws it’s hat in the ring charge you for calling your own numwith an enticing offer. (Or, just wait ber to check voicemail. Fortunately, until Google lays down the whammy & you have two free options: You can backs the Sultans of Cellular against the wait to be in WiFi range to check your cellular voicemail using VoIP, or betropes by finally unleashing GTalk’s full ter yet, you can search online for your functionality on mobile devices that use cellular provider’s service code that Google’s Android operating system - lets you call your voicemail for free possibly in collaboration with Apple & For example, on AT&T’s “Go Phone” Nokia.) I spend an average of plan, all you have to do is enter 3 at $12/month with Truphone’s the end of your phone number, like $4.00/month + $0.02/min plan. Two this: 1-407-XXX-XXXX-3. (I don’t more plans are available: a flat know why this works, but it does.) $0.05/min plan, & the whole shebang: Reprogram your phone’s voicemail unlimited minutes for $17.00. hotkey to include the service code so you can check your voicemail anyHOW TO SETUP VOIP + where, anytime, for free.

Currently there are hundreds of VoIP service providers to choose from. To date, only a couple of providers in the emerging VoIP industry - Skype & Vonage - have managed to become household names. Unfortunately, because of to the politics of modern telephony, Skype & Vonage are not available for CELLULAR ON ONE PHONE use on mobile phones, except for rare exception such as the iPhone & Nokia Of course, you’re still going to need celN95, but even then the Skype software lular service to fill in the gaps in coverage between WiFi hotspots, & in case of routes the calls via cellular. emergencies, since 911 cannot be called VoIP providers offering SIP compati- using VoIP. However, a service contract bility include: with the Sultans of Cellular defeats the • FRING & NIMBUZZ!: I don’t recom- purpose of an (almost) free phone. mend Fring & Nimbuzz! despite their Therefore you’re going to need a “pay-asability to route Skype calls onto your you-go” plan, which is overpriced at phone via their own servers. The $0.10 - $0.25 per minute, to entice you sound quality sucks too bad to hold a into signing a service contract, of course. conversation, & their bloated software But if you can be disciplined & try to drains your battery life in record time. make most of your calls using VoIP you’ll save plenty of money. • TIVI PHONE: TiVi Phone is the only VoIP provider that provide encryption Of the Sultans of Cellular, I recommend so that nobody can hack your call to AT&T & T-Mobile over Sprint & Verizon snoop. But they’re based in Russia. Try because their networks are GSM & your at your own risk.. phone will work almost anywhere in the • GIZMO5: Gizmo5 features great call world if you purchase a local SIM chip. quality, is a US-based company, & allows


• If you text message a lot (or even if you don’t) you should consider purchasing a monthly SMS package with your cellular plan. (AT&T Go Phone charges $10/month for 1000 messages). That way you can still communicate for (almost) free via cellular when not in WiFi range. Caller ID will let you know who is calling & you can message them to determine the urgency of returning their call.

DON’T FORGET: The more people you encourage to use VoIP, the more people you can call 100% for free, kids!

< Contact the author with questions, or help setting-up your phone:

Visit his sporadically updated blog at: >

W e t h i n k . . . so you d o nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ha v e to!

Vol. 1 Issue 1


President Jackson focusing primarily on his two terms as president of the United States from 1829 to 1837. It becomes quickly evident that president Jackson was a man who elicited strong feelings from his fellow Americans. Born in the Carolinas, Andrew Jackson grew up in fronter state of Tennessee. In American Lion Mr. Meacham outlines Jackson's difficult childhood, and often relates how his experience shaped his attitudes toward those close to him. Growing up in the shadow of the American revolution, Jackson gained an enormous degree of national admiration by leading the United States to victory over British forces in the Battle of New Orleans, the only significant American victory of the War of 1812. His role in this victory, combined with his populist rhetoric, gave him a base of goodwill among common Americans which would last for his entire political career. With an expansion of the popular vote in the election of US presidents, Jackson was able to use his popularity to defeat his opponent and previous president John Quincy Adams. Unlike the previous seven presidents, Jackson did not see his role as restricted to enforcement of legislative will. In breaking with his predecessors Jackson injected a high degree of politics into the office of the presidency, transforming the more or less judicial nature of the post into that of a more active and partisan one. In doing so he created a rift between the executive branch and the legislative branch, particularly the Senate who saw the transformation as a corruption of the founders' intent. Mr. Meacham's biography of Jackson also highlights his belief that the office of presidency was the most in-touch with the will of the people, a belief that Jackson felt justified an expansion of presidential power. Although this is a relatively unremarkable correlation in modern American politics, in the early nineteenth century this was a particularly bold assertion. This further disassociated Jackson from the established political order of the senate and previous US presidents.

His expansion of power was tenaciously resisted by his already bitter political rivals, who labeled Jackson a tyrant who was seeking to undo the revolution. Jackson's popularity would shield him from most of his opponents' rhetoric, and would lend legitimacy to the idea of an expanded presidency. This is where Jackson's presidency is most relevant to the forty-third president. Without Jackson, and the presidents like Franklin Roosevelt and George W. Bush who would use their political capital to expand the powers of the executive office, the Obama administration would have certainly taken a far less dramatic form. The nature of his presidency was also particularly groundbreaking in terms of how he obtained the office. His campaign was greatly helped by an expansion of the popular vote into the realm of presidential elections in several states where otherwise the more establishment oriented legislature would have held a controlling interest in the election of the president. Jackson used his popularity combined with a strong, genuine populist sentiment which resonated with the newly expanded electorate.

Jacksonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s presidency was a model for the modern, powerful, version of the executive office. This injection of populism also marked the beginning of the modern US presidential campaign. No longer a polite sparing match between competing political elites, the Jacksonian campaign introduced new campaign tactics which changed the nature of how a politician became elected. The campaign for president now more closely resembled that of a congressional race. Campaigns for congressional positions (the lower house of the legislature) by the nature of their popular elections and short two year terms, where already typified by populist rhetoric by candidates. In addition, Jackson's election was also the made the most contentious yet by the first instance of personal gossip being interwoven into the campaign. Although Jacksons presidency was a model for the modern, powerful,


version of the executive office, his positions were naturally quite different. Much of this has simply to do with over a century of volatile social change brought on by the radical reformation of society from the industrial revolution and the attendant social revolutions. The obvious differences would lie in the issue of race, with Jackson being an unforgiving advocate for slavery and renowned for his cruelty in killing off the Native Americans. The personalties of the two leaders are also rather different. Obama's latest book, The Audacity of Hope, although not a traditional autobiography provides a great deal of insight not only into his policies, but also into his background, values, and especially his thoughts on governance. In his short political career, Obama has earned a reputation for especially calm and rational leadership. Andrew Jackson was often derided (although often too harshly, as Mr. Meacham's biography well argues) for his inability to restrain his temper, particularly in his personal life. Yet, while they're personalties and policies were often rather different, they do share many traditional American outlooks on governance and basic values. The Audacity of Hope mostly consists of Obama's personal views concerning modern American politics and a prescriptions for curing ills created by poor governance. As such, it is not an autobiography in the strictest sense, but is typical of books written by modern American politicians (not too imply that this is a new trend however, of that I cannot comment). Where the politician provides a type of argument sorely lacking in the modern cable news monstrous mash of sound bytes and innuendo. In which the subject lays out their world view, biographical revelations and their relation to policy that they are advocating. In addition to providing valuable insight into Obama's potential policy decisions, it allows the reader to really relate to Obama as a person. This is not so much an innate characteristic as other politicians and political figures have often been unable to accomplish despite using the same format (A Country That. . . {CONTINUED NEXT PAGE}

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Works by Andy Stern comes to mind). It becomes quickly apparent that his writing is every bit the equal of his famed speaking ability. His biographical revelations are expertly interwoven with their attendant policy arguments, in a manner that only rarely comes off as stilted. Obama's critique of American politics is one that has been gaining ground in American intellectual circles recently. He is particularly worried by denigration of the famed “bipartisan consensus”, and while he points out that politics has always been contentious he notes the very noticeable rise in partisan squabbling in the past thirty years. On a similar note, while left of center he places himself as the very embodiment of the growing mistrust in ideological imperatives which ironically enough has started to become an imperative in itself. There is also familiar indictments of the role of money in politics, the reducing of political speech to sound bytes, and other factors contributing to the decay of American politics. He does not hide the fact that he is complicit in these trends and in doing so outlines the struggle that even morally good politicians must face. It is difficult as a reader to fault him for this as he is able to show how integral to the process things like money and sound bites have become. As someone of, what is considered in America at least, radical political precepts, it is an enlightening read. I personally cannot fathom whether or not I would be capable of doing as well as he has, but I fear that I could not do considerably better, if at all. Between them, the two biographies do an excellent job of providing a biography not only of the subjects, but to the political nature of the US presidency. Jackson is undeniably one of the most influential American presidents, and without his expansion of presidential power much of what the Obama administration already has done would have been impossible. The idea of the presidency providing the political means to bailout massive financial industries would not have been thinkable without the dramatic change in American governance undertook by Jackson. Obama's biography is without a doubt a must read for anyone who wants to know how his administration will unfold, and Meacham's is crucial for anyone who wants a deeper understanding of the US presidency and the early years of t h e A m e r i c a n r e public.

2009! Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!





n Monday April 27th, the Florida Security Council and the International Free Press Society hosted a “Free Speech Summit” in a Delray Beach synagogue. The event was assembled to highlight the anti-Islamic views of Dutch politician Geert Wilders, who was the featured speaker at the summit. Wilders is the subject of criminal prosecution by the Dutch government for his controversial statements about Islam, such as equating the Koran to Adolf Hitler’s Mein Kampf. The court of appeals in Amsterdam has judged that some of these statements may amount to inciting hatred towards Muslims; the act of inciting hatred is illegal under Dutch law. Furthermore, Wilders was barred from entering Great Britain, as a spokesman from the Home Office made clear, "The Government opposes extremism in all forms. It will stop those who want to spread extremism, hatred and violent messages in our communities from coming to our country.” In his introduction to the Free Speech Summit Wilders refers to Islam as a threat to Europe stating that Islam is , “...endangering our history, our freedom, our prosperity and our culture”. He goes on to state that “Islam is not a religion. Islam is a totalitarian political ideologue. Islam [sic] heart lies at the Quran, and the Quran is a book that calls for hatred, that calls for violence, for murder,


for terrorism, for war, and submission … We should also stop pretending that Islam is a religion .. .the right to religious freedom should not apply to Islam ”. Also present was the state representative of district 87 and leader of the Republican party in the Florida house, Adam Hasner. Hasner is also listed as a sponsor of the summit. From all observation this is not Hasner's first sign of involvement with blatantly anti-Islamic elements. In 2007, he hosted a showing of "Obsession: Radical Islam's War Against the West", for state legislators. He has also attempted to block Florida Muslim Capital Day, sponsored by Council on American-Islamic Relations. In an e-mail he sent to several Jewish lobbyists he attempted to organize opposition to the event saying, “By now, I can't imagine you haven't heard about this upcoming lobbying day for Muslims in Tallahassee ... Do you all intend to be part of an information campaign in opposition to it?” He has since claimed that this attempt to block the assembly was not part of an action against Muslims, but rather against the organizing group's leader stating that the, “well-documented ties that this group’s leader has to organizations that are affiliated with terrorist groups such as Hamas”. Hasner has also gone as far as to leave the floor of the legislature during the first prayer given by an Imam, only to return as soon as the prayer ended.




THE POPULIST PRESS *Fill me full of your rainbow juices!

W e t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!

Vol. 1 Issue 1

‘M OON’RAPES HIS S I STER‘SUN’ : an Inuit myth In the old days, when everything began, a brother lived with his sister in a large village which had a dance house. At night it was lit with stone lamps burning seal oil, and once the sister was dancing and singing there, when a big wind blew all the lamps out. While everything was a black, a man copulated with her. She struggled against him, but he was too strong, and it was too dark to see who it was. Thinking he might come again, before she went back there next she blackened the palms of her hands with soot. Again a great gust of wind blew out all the lamps. Again that man threw her upon her back, got on top of her, and entered her. But this time she smeared his back with soot. When the lamps were rekindled, she looked for the one with a sooty back and was enraged to see it was her brother. She cried, “Such things are not done! Such things are unheard of!” She was so angry that she took her sharp knife and cut off both her breasts. Flinging them at her brother she cried, “As you seem to enjoy me, as you seem to have a taste for my body, eat these!” She grabbed a brightly burning torch and, maddened and wild-eyed, ran out of the dance house and into the dark night. Her brother snatched up another torch and ran after her, but stumbled and fell down in the snow. The snow put out the flames of his torch so that only it’s embers flickered feebly. Then a big windstorm lifted both the sister and her brother high up into the sky. The girl was turned into the sun, and her brother into the moon. She stays as far from him as she can as long as the moon shines, she hides herself, coming out only after he is gone. If the brother had not let his torch fall into the snow, the moon would be as bright as the sun.


You will grow and think And think, and think, and think And what will you gain What does all that thinking give you That makes you any better than that mindless worm? Can you guess?

THE N IHILIST’ S S ERMON Welcome to the world Little boy, little girl Here is where you will live And here is where you will die All that has been given to you Has been given to be taken back

(I can tell you have guessed wrong) Let me tell you Every waking thought is simply something To regret on your deathbed Another precious gem you try to hold close to your breast When death turns your mind to mush And your body to dust

You are f luke An accident at best No more or less deser ving of life Of love, of opportunity, of joy and sorrow Of all that you could possibly hold dear Than a lowly worm But here is where the joke gets good A great, mighty spasm of a great, indifferent god That worm will never know what it means to live It will wander till the end of its days Stupid, indifferent, and content As it squirms through dirt and stone


You can hope for an immortal soul A body of work to survive your death A tomb which will inspire the living To give you life beyond what death decided to rend But you know deep in that 'soul' you pray you have That when your body is dead, That's the end BY


2009! Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

Vol. 1 Issue 1

Ob se r v e r Yor t' s E nc y c l o p e d i a o f the H um a n Ra c e , -1st & F i na l E d i ti o n (Pre-Departure Recording)

R ule #21 o f the 42 P r inc iple s o f Pla n e ta r y In f ilt ra t ion: “B e a med ium s i z ed f i sh in a med ium s i z ed p ond.” < T h e follo w ing transmission is to b e distr ib ute d to ob ser ver Y-45 1 4 . I f yo u a re not Y-4514 , yo u are re queste d to ter min ate yo ursel f p o s t-h a s te ! > Congratulations earned, constructed sentient Y-4514, for the status of your studies (i.e. Completed). Your final class standing of 21 out of 42 has demonstrated your excellence for modesty. As a result you have been assigned the most important assignment among your kind, within the specification of your class. Y-4514, you have been dispatched to the 3rd planet of the [Milky Way galaxy] to observe all sentients pending the Decision. What follows is the preliminary notes of the planet. Notes are to be understood as incomplete; otherwise your mission would be officially over. Since you have not begun your mission, it cannot be defined as over, unless, and this is not the case in this particular instance, the beginning was the end. Therefore, because of this not being either the end or beginning/end of your mission, you are advised to pay attention. The planet is spherical, and all available evidence indicates that the planet was not terraformed. The atmosphere is a pleasant nitrogen/oxygen mixture, and roughly 71% of the planet's surface is composed of water. Initial testing has shown that the water tastes like crap. The gravity is a stable and uninteresting, 7.3 pffft units. Of the 86.3 million species on the planet earth, plus [the platypus], the only species capable of developing toasters is the species [homo-sapien]. Initial reports show that the [homo-sapien] is incredibly territorial and capable of creative acts of mass violence. They have a diverse set of cultures and religious beliefs, far beyond the norm of the civilized races of the cosmos. In the latter many attribute a unique trait in ascribing ethical modifiers, usually positive, to the Great and Indifferent Creator.

of multiple [homo-sapien]s is acceptable if enough [homo-sapien]s not being terminated agree in addition to the major authority figure of the group of [homosapien]s seeking termination, and state their intentions before attempting to terminate aforementioned [homo-sapien]s.

to create your avatar. It should, and has, been noted that your body is not 100% accurate, as such all medical facilities should be avoided. Furthermore, you will be subject to 98.4% of all possible forms of death that happen to afflict the species of the target sentient.

(3) Sexual organs are to be concealed in public. Greetings do not involve sexual organs, and is considered to be criminally weird.

In the advent of a situation that is 85.6% likely to result in termination of yourself, you are to efficiently aid in its process. Failure to do so will result in a series of fines in the afterlife. In the event that there is no afterlife, you will be punished by not being able to participate in any of the afterlife activities that we have planned. In the event that the situation that is 85.6% likely to result in termination does not result in termination, you will be recalled to a new assignment to explore what happens post-termination. It should also be noted, and is being noted, that the teams on current assignment to explore post-termination events have currently not returned and are believed to be terminated.

(4) Certain other species may be eaten for nutrition or pleasure. The other species are considered unacceptable to eat because of one or more of the following: they are currently being made extinct, are defined as “icky”, are being oppressed by a [homo-sapien] overlord, or are too cute to eat. (5) [Homo-sapien]s have a concept of “private ownership”. Under this system only one human being must have primary ownership over an item. The primary owner may allow access to this item to other [homo-sapien]s if it so wishes. Attempting to gain access to an item without the primary owner's consent is generally considered to be a “very bad thing”. (6) Seriously, do NOT eat their young. (7) Worth of a [homo-sapien] is determined by the amount of stuff possessed, minus fecal matter.

Communications are to be delivered on the 9th [calendar unit] of the [larger calendar unit], and are to be sent in encrypted, burst transmission. You are to invent at least two acronyms per communication, and the transmission must be at least 25 [non-translatable unit of measurement] in [non-translatable sensory input]. Intercepted transmissions are to be considered problematic and all efforts must be made to destroy any compromised transmissions, or to tarnish the credibility of any source attempting to distribute said compromised transmission. Allied tabloid reporters have been deployed to your assigned planet and have successfully deflected attention from the Yeti, Elvis, Super Hitler, and Jesus.

The appropriate self visual and tactile programs for your avatar have been downloaded into your internal storage device. Upon deployment you will acquire an identity from a local sentient, and assume its position in the alien society. The sentient is to be cryogenically frozen and will be implanted with false memories as is in adherence to protocol Initial survey teams have constructed the 3-A2, subsection b1, of the 42nd and final You are to prepare for dismissal at following guide to the basic etiquette of edition of the Planetary Guide for Infil- promptly 4.2134 planetary cycles from the completion of -1st edition of the tration. the majority of [homo-sapien]s. Planetary Guide for Infiltration and the We must put forward a cautionary series 1st edition of the Omni-pedia of Sentient (1) Avoid eating their young. of words for the usage of your avatar sys- Species. As is custom, you are to collect (2) Termination of an individual [homo- tem. It will replicate a target sentient to no more or less than 42 objects, displaysapien] is discouraged and not allowed 98.4% accuracy. During which, as de- ing exactly 1,764 qualities. Do not forget unless enough additional [homo-sapien]s signed, your body will disperse its mass to bring a towel. and collect any necessary materials say they don't mind. Termination BY T HOMAS A DRIAAN H ELLINGER


Vol. 1 Issue 1


old men? they wear hats. . . old women? they all have cats. . . kids nowadays suck!

Tree, the troll, had been living in the forest for ten years with a chainsaw & beer. He cooked potatoes i see & fresh catfish for Otter. peek-a-boo! you hiding behind yourself The food & the boat were & me behind me worth the risk of keeping the troll’s company.

W e t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!

unorthodox hiakus by Major Osmosis

In a piss drunk growl he tells all the campers that he works for the ranger. They encourage his makebelieve. He chops firewood for them & gives ferryboat rides. Otter becomes the sidekick to his play. They stage shows together; demanding to see campers’ permits, &, enforce that they keep the forest clean. It ’s a jolly r iot . T hey make a d as tardly team. The forest was their home. . .


insert your poem title on the line

the liquor of words is poetry, it is best sipped slowly & quick

I. the hot springs

The forest is a good home. . .

Ahh… but there was one thing that drove a wedge between the duo. The troll had a foot fetish. His mind was occupied with feet. He loved Otter’s feet. He wanted her feet. One day she threw sand in his mouth when he tried to touch them. She reacted with pure grit; crawling fast - UPHAND - BLAM BRAWL!!! Tree rolled onto his back in defeat. Sighing in absurdity, Otter returned to the city.

a maid is handy everyone needs a maid including the maid


always i can feel steam swelling my pores minnows nibbling my sores even in february when frosted weevils & brittle bells hang in haphazard isolation amongst frozen stones that vibrate regardless of the milk of the moon or the slice of the sun freefalling down to a secret lagoon with grassy shoulders & a floating fire that we rediscovered while climbing hand over hand under the jagged silence of magnetic guardians

II. ghost trance

initiation begins in a ring around geronimo’s log & the (is that writing? on the) canyon wall when what you sought to find suddenly slips asunder & the sky is transformed with an infinite way of falling all around you BY



The forest is Tree’s home. . .

* write your own poem & publish it instantaneously



2009! Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

Vol. 1 Issue 1


pixie dust when an old redwood dies the seeds that have fallen from its farthest branches finally meet the sun they rise into a ring of redwoods

mountain sides i'd scale on all fours twistin the puffballs on my bobby socks like cotton gearshifts shoutin’ four wheel drive! chirstmas tree meatball hunting fishing for dinner plucking lost fairie wings from fern beds we never wanted to be real

carter says there are fairies in the tree rings wishes under sand dollars my dad could squeeze the space we were marionettes between what and what if no strings flat like the frizbee till my father we tossed in a hotel lobby tied down in court go long! stripped of his stealtoes and jeans arms outstretched from blue collar like when we'd dance to orange jumpsuit at the redwood mountain fair construction worker skin fading don't let go! like the time he carried me into the like a blueprint in the sun he told me once ocean eating was hard don't let go showed me how he wanted to i worried we'd lose the shore crouch like an animal sink forever over his food shove his mouth full i worried so none could be taken away more than he ever did i never tried to imagine the tight hot terror of empty cages dad? i only envisioned iron bars can we afford for me to have a that dreamt of becoming redcandy bar? woods klepto fairies guzzle gatorate in the tiny window wishing it could aisle seven capture the sunset but dad! won't they get mad if we put their in the canyon fairies cut lines of washcloths pixie dust in our suitcases? nympho nymphs pass out i never visited on hand towels my father in prison dad! that's why i didn't recognize him do we have directions at my high school graduation DAD! haircut like a suburban lawn did you remember snowchains that careful man dad! was not my father will you really be there at noon? the treetop fairy orgies had been siphoned from his blood he never was and anything we could imagine was never really possible the same reckless joy but at the top of westhill drive that let him crack open his days there's still a redwood with cocaine needle haired fairies in its veins held my childhood and the ocean inside a storm of possibility is still impossibly huge so the porch light on a dark night and deep became a lightening storm piles of quarry rock rugged BY J ARED R ICE

“Don’t adopt an attitude, create one.” - Beach Club bathroom graffiti circa 1984 (formerly Barbarella’s - now Independent Bar) 13

W e t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!

F R O M J O S E P H I N E B A K E R T O C I A R A H A R R I S ... hen I see you in your videos, bare midriff like a welcome mat, I swear I hear gunfire in the Congo; The songs of a thousand diamond mines ground to dust; A generation of footsteps once marching forever silenced.

their songs played in clubs their ancestors weren’t allowed to • It’s ever y Carman Miranda / enter. I left the Stork Club with geisha girl / concubine / Venus Grace Kelly because I was denied Hottentot / witchdoctor with a service. You associate with those bone through his nose / cannibal who crown themselves nappy boys with an explorer spinning above and wear Africa as a status symthe boiling pot. bol. Kids who wouldn’t know When I made the rhythm my lover, racism if it was tied around their they called it ‘Le Danse Sauvage’: necks. Child, I’ve seen orchards. The Dance of The Savage. Do you think a vote for Obama You may have traded the tom-toms will destroy prejudice? Will L a for 808s, replaced your voice with B aker ’s ghost saunter out of Auto-tune, but they still see you as black-&-white photographs into a animal. The word mulatto comes Technicolor promised land? Sorry from mule. Brown-skinned canary, Dorothy, the world is still gray where is your real voice? Don’t you outs. The wizard is just an- other know you were once livestock? alpha male behind a curtain. When are you going to speak up? I rose from the streets of St. Louis My hands are not clean; these to perform in Paris and Carnegie. pearl necklaces weigh heavy like Hemingway, Picasso, Christian rattling chains. I knew the joy of a Dior, F. Scott Fitzgerald; all carefree fuck, relished by the emchampioned me as their muse. brace of Egyptian cotton. I know one day you are an independent The greatest trick the Devil ever woman and the next you are pulled was convincing us he doesn’t telling them I’ll Cater 2 U . Therevolution will not be fetishized, Ciara! exist. First, the goodies stay in the jar. I was the only woman to speak at Then you blossom into a Go Girl. the March on Washington. When The second was making us forget Still, every time you Drop It Like Martin died, his wife Coretta that ghetto is short for GET OUT. It’s Hot . asked me to carry his flame. I re- When will you remind them? fused because I didn’t want to orIt’s another shot of me in my ba- phan my children again. Nightingale, when are you going nana skirt. to sing the songs you were meant Of what are you the ambassador? to sing? Every time you get crunk on 106 & Park , it’s another shot of me in my I can see it in your eyes … by the You: banana skirt. way that you was watchin' me. Just keep dancing. . . • It’s another 12-year-old suck Does proper grammar poison Just keep moving. . . ing dick in some back alley. your tongue? Literacy is a privilege. That’s why slaves were kept But what are you going to do when • It’s another pre-teen convincing away from books. the spotlight goes out, darling? herself this – THIS – is love Your peers worr y about getting BY



Vol. 1 Issue 1

May 2009

You are likely to suffer the misfortune of snagging a new romantic partner this month, or if you already have a “significant bother”, the intensity of your relationship is bound to make Ike & Tina (or Lindsey & Samantha if you prefer a modern analogy) resemble mature, mutually respectful, partners in love serenely lazing away their days playing shuffleboard & sipping vanilla milkshakes. Take your cue from this DEVO lyric: I don’t care if you feel small. . . love without anger isn’t love at all!

Consider yourself lucky that your love life is doomed to dry up like Death Valley’s Lake Badwater this month. Despite being a spring-fed oasis offering a glimmer of hope to passersby traversing one of most inhospitable places on Earth, Lake Badwater is too salty to drink, & therefore, serves as an apt metaphor for your stiflingly over-possessive love. Rather than waffle about in a codependent stupor, focus your raging libido to get your financial house in order. That way when (not if) you suck your lover’s essence dry - like a parasite - you’ll stand a chance of survival on your own. Geminis often choose sex over love, or rather, they expect sex with a stranger to blossom into a sexual friendship. Conventional wisdom dictates that Gemini can evolve romantically by flipping the script. However, such adaptation is likely to lead to a successful long-term relationship; which, in turn, greatly increases the chances of fulfilling the God-fearing/Darwinian ideal of creating offspring. You are heretofor,e advised against having sex with anybody you meet before the beginning of the month, or better yet, anybody whose name you already know! Sex-obsessed Venus & war-mongering Mars are in the house of Aries this month, which is the first sign of the Zodiac, thus signifying new beginnings. Why, then, if you haven’t finished yet dealing with yesterday’s problems, are the stars & planets conspiring to whammy you all over again with a brand spank in’ new slew of problems? The easy answer is: It ’s the economy, stupid! Alas, the hard knock truth is that nobody gets a 100% fresh start, not even a newborn. Everybody knows Leos think so highly of themselves that unless they get treated like the center of the Universe they become suicidal (which is of course itself a ploy to be treated like the center of the Universe.) Either use your charisma to help folks in greater need than you, or else, don’t you dare come crawling back to me when your new beau dumps you after wearying of treading on eggshells 24/7! If you do I’ll cutout your sexy-smart tongue so quick it’ll still be swearin’ like a coked-up sailor when it arrives on the doorstep of my favorite Leo - Leonardo DiCaprio - who is a Scorpio! There, I said it.

Unlike most everybody else on the planet, you are destined to do very well financially this coming month. To avert this catastrophe, I suggest publicly donating your surplus booty to charity; otherwise, you are bound to find yourself without family or friends since you’ll have no choice but to blow their heads off to protect your stash from the zombie hoard! On the sunny side, such an outcome promises to inject some much needed pizzazz into your nearly catatonic love life. Go get ‘em you emotionally challenged necrophiliac! Did you know the stars & planets are aligned to make this the perfect time of year for you to go on vacation? However, before you attempt to save your sanity by flying the coop, bear in mind that, according to the WTO, the average American spends 13 days per year vacationing. Meanwhile, our economic competitors the Japanese average 25 days, Canadians 26 days , & Germans 35. Why risk becoming a fat, lazy, producer of inferior products - like workers in the aforementioned countries - merely to “live a little” before you die? Instead, follow the example of industrious Mexico - where the average annual vacation is 6 days - & get back to work!

Scorpio, oh Scorpio. Wtf is wrong with you Scorpio? Don’t deny thy blabbering, don’t refuse thy blame, & if ye do that, be but scorned like OJ’s glove so I may continue to poke fun at you. Thou are thyself & not to blame, says who? Why not blame you? Because my heart, & mind, & experience, & place. . . & every other part, belong to you! Oh be some other blame. What’s in a blame? That which we call Scorpio, by any other blame is Libra; or Sagittarius; or Aries. . . Success may as well be a four letter word for many of the prodigiously talented souls born under the Sagittarius sun sign. Do the names Francisco Franco, G. Gordon Liddy, & Anna Nicole Smith ring a bell? You’ve had to learn to be a tough cookie, Sagittarius, because inevitably cookies crumble! Nevertheless, can you imagine getting in the May Day spirit by organizing your clan to take action &, in unison, break yourselves once-&-for-all of the hilarious habit of doing the opposite of whatever people think is best for you? Neither can I! Your independent streak is your greatest strength, & weakness. To all the naysayers I say: Burn the cookie factory to the ground Sagittarius!

Capricorn, things suck for you this month - or maybe they don’t - I’m not sure & neither are you. Sometimes something can be so good it’s bad. Like, for example, when you take a drug for fun until you get addicted & it doesn’t get you high anymore. This month, Mercury - the Messenger - is in retrograde, which means that communication will become more difficult. Unless, of course, you are an Aquarius! While others babble on incoherently like Bonobos in heat, you are able to express your idealistic, New Agey, mumbo-jumbo so eloquently, that, unless you already live in self-imposed exile with a cult of moon worshippers on an organic pomegranate commune. . . you will soon. . . just not by choice! Economics is much simpler than financial gurus would have you to believe: If your inflow exceeds your outflow, you’re rockin’ the casbah! If your outflow exceeds your inflow, you don’t answer the phone around dinner time & keep on the lookout for dudes who want to break your kneecaps! In the coming weeks you’re going to conjure up some brilliant ideas for earning money. Why? Because you’re a genius! Alas, instead of acting on any of your ideas (or even bothering to write them down) you’ll waste your money impulsively. Why? Because you’re a Pisces!

Vol. 1 Issue 1

We t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!

p a t h & Po p u li st P r e le e T y l ss eak s o on si W f is a r t m e ic le b s, car u Th ing s k o t e edi r , ia s ls e ie tor s p o t e is s r t o s , s h o f a d s ), o r any o t h e r g e r y, n o o n re t ( s p o o r fu n n y o ri g in a l s d a s tuff sp s &/ u o i in nd ou ar r y our of se ot kickin’ a e f g m or u e s be co y o u ’ v . H e l p u in Or lan do & m t o on th um h e c ra n i one d w i t s s io mi b n s su k c b e r e t ! E m a i l : @weak ly tele p a th c . om rne Inte

Weakly Telepath May 2009 Vol. I  

The WEAKLY TELEPATH is an underground, non-profit magazine circulated in Orlando, Florida. We may be the new kid on the block, but we are t...