Un ‘lovely’

Over my career as a counselor, I have met with numerous individuals who live in incredibly difficult marriages and relationships. On the surface, there are many reasons for those complicated relationships: differences in upbringing, cultural differences, mental and physical health issues, spiritual issues, anger, grief, abuse, and trauma, are examples. And these are all real challenges. And they need to be addressed. But, believe it or not, how we approach and respond to those issues has a much greater impact on the quality of the relationship than the issues themselves.

The root problem of a stunning number of marital difficulties is, in its simplest form, selfishness. I know that sounds harsh but, truth be told, we all want what we want and sometimes to the detriment of others. By nature, we are all self-centered. But when we receive Jesus’ love, the Holy Spirit brings the love of God into our hearts, as Romans 5:5 indicates (“We know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”). And the root cure for self-centeredness is love. Love and selfishness are opposites. Galatians 5 lists the character qualities the Holy Spirit will produce in our lives if we allow him, and these include love. When we experience God’s love in that way, we also develop the capacity and desire to genuinely express love in an others-focused way. Expressing love is the most powerful thing we can do for our spouse. There are many ways to do this: by being generous with our time, serving our spouse in ways that acknowledge their needs and values even when they don’t resonate perfectly with our own or we don’t believe they deserve them, choosing grace, humility, patience and forgiveness.

Are you feeling convicted as you read this? Don’t worry, you’re not alone! And there’s no shame in it. Remember, we are all self-centered by nature. Over the years I have challenged many clients to try this “unconditional love” experiment with your partner. How does it work? Discover your spouse’s primary love language (Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch, or Words of Affirmation) and give it at least once a week for six months, no matter how you are treated in return. I have seen hard, harsh, cruel people soften long before the six months are over. When you love intentionally and unconditionally instead of loving when you feel like it and only to the level you perceive the other person “deserves” to be loved, you can become the agent of healing for your spouse and your marriage. And you also have a much greater chance of being loved in those same ways, even on the days when you are the unlovely one.

Are you willing to give it a try? Are you at the point in your relationship where the pain of staying the same o U tweighs the fear of trying something new? No matter how frustrated you are with your marriage, are you willing to commit to loving your spouse unconditionally for the next six months and speaking his or her love language? It truly can transform your heart and your marriage!

* Note: As always, if you are in a relationship that is unsafe or abusive in any way, please seek immediate professional support and do not see this article as a suggestion to stay in a perilous situation.

Wendy is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Fargo. She is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), American Counseling Association (ACA), a certified SYMBIS Pre-marital Preparation Facilitator, and a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy practitioner. She has a passion for helping couples and individuals navigate the challenges life brings and learn to bravely live life to the fullest.