Supporting families through the loss of a baby

DEBBIE DAVIES  

Perinatal Loss Midwife Specialist

In 2016, with the support of the Middlemore Foundation, we renovated our whaanau room in the Birthing and Assessment Unit. The room provides for extended families who stay to support parents whose baby has been stillborn or died in the neonatal unit.

In 2019, we undertook a small project to rename the room and identify a symbol that could be used to alert staff when a loss has occurred in a particular room.

In consultation with our kaumatua, Te Teira Rawiri, and with feedback from bereaved parents through Baby Loss NZ, we adopted the symbol of New Zealand’s giant dragonfly or kapokapowai. The name means ‘water snatcher’ in te reo Maaori, with the symbol’s significance described as:

The spiritual meaning of a dragonfly is transformation. It is said the dragonfly appears before you when a life has gone, taking the wairua or spirit to a place of rest. The dragonfly represents light to the departing one.

The symbol, and the kaumatua’s words appear on a door card, which highlights for staff that a tragedy has occurred in that room and they should tread carefully. The card is given to the family as a keepsake of their baby that they have lost.

We also send a card to families at the 1-year anniversary of the loss of their baby (see next page). This gesture is appreciated by families, some of whom make contact after they have received the card.

We have also been given a new name for the whaanau room – Te Korowai Atawhai (the cloak of nurturing) – and are having a name plate made. The name indicates the room’s purpose, namely to nurture and support families in a time of sadness or grief, indicating that whoever enters the room will feel the warmth and support of the korowai. For parents whose baby dies after 20 weeks gestation or after birth, counselling is now automatically offered. Fifty-seven families have used the counselling service to date, some for just two or three sessions, others for up to six sessions. Counselling helps families process some of their feelings and, for longer sessions, fully understand what has happened and develop tools for coping with everyday life again. Every couple is offered this opportunity at the time of their loss, and later at a follow-up appointment (or if they do not attend their follow-up appointment, in a letter sent).

During the two COVID-19 lock downs in 2020, it became distressing for families who had experienced a loss and were unable to access whaanau support, as access to the hospital was limited. In the second lockdown, a slightly more flexible approach was adopted, with both partners and some whaanau being able to come into the hospital. Staff also ensured that casting moulds and photographs were taken, where appropriate, to provide keepsakes for the whaanau.

Since 2018, we have held an annual memorial service during International Baby Loss Awareness Week (see photo below). We held our first service on 15 October 2018, and have continued to do so every year, for the past three years, with bereaved parents able to light a candle in memory of their baby or babies.

 Middlemore remembrance service 2020. Image taken by

Heartfelt Photography.