Inside
It’s Satire Stupid! ks n i r d s lan p n e w Co lus u m i t s ry t s u d n i e g a k c a p
Piano falls down mineshaft leaving A flat minor Billionaire’s will was dead give away Judge to rule on nude beach Man gets nine months in violin case Storm rips through graveyard; hundreds lie dead Politician who got too big for britches was exposed in end Cowen wins on budget, but more Lies ahead Woman repossessed after not paying exorcist
SU’s five-year plan The recent spate of cold weather isn’t the only similarity between UCD and Stalinist Russia. It seems the Soviet, oops, Student Union has finally succeeded in its mandates of absolute sycophancy and total dictatorship. Students have reacted with fear now that the SU President Gary “puts the Red in Redmond” is part of a ‘Senior Management Team committee’. It has become apparent that the Redmonites have just made a deal with the college authorities to impose a complete dictatorial regime upon the University. The SU are now taking steps to cleanse its ranks of anyone with the audacity to disagree with it, or fail to fit into the strict criteria of unquestioning devotion. Out with those who believe it’s for the students! In with those who uphold the ideals of a boy’s club, with their ignoble links to Fianna Fail, the birth giver of all corruption. When bored of motions of no confidence,
the Union likes to bring forward motions of some confidence. Attendees at one council meeting were informed that “Gary Redmond defeated fees”* by one Officer who was able to remove his head from Redmond’s sphincter long enough to speak. Surely the Greens would take issue with this view? The same Officer, who ought to be concerned with looking after the welfare of students, seems to be more interested in offering students the chance to squeeze his rubber balls. Stress relief indeed. The only thing those balls will be busting is the Union’s budget. (Not to be confused with the €5,000 for pens and pencils eh, lads?) The Turbine recommends that the SU wake up and smell the donkey shit, as it appears they will soon fall from their high horses with chants of ‘Glorious Union’ ringing in their ears. *Fact
SS to deal with underground infestation UCD President, Hugh Brady, has called in the elite SS paramilitary group, the Einsatzgruppen, to deal with the growing Dramsoc members in UCD’s underground. Plans reveal members are to be rounded up and forced into a ghetto on the campus. This ghetto is currently being built near the sports pitches. Its construction has been masked as a new student centre in order to catch Dramsoc by surprise. It is to be surrounded by high walls in order to spare students the misery of facing the enthusiastic thespians, as they go about their daily business. Students are to be educated in order to help them recognise members of Dramsoc. If any are sighted around the campus, their presence is to be
reported immediately to the authorities so they can be extricated to the ghetto. Members of Dramsoc share certain characteristics, which make them stand out from normal students. Chief among these is their overriding enthusiasm about everything. This is normally demonstrated by clownish smiles and a tendency to run towards fellow members screaming, only to spend a worrying amount of time hugging each other. This is believed to be part of their secret communication methods as is the curious language they speak to each other, which consists almost entirely of nicknames and nonexistent words. Dramsoc predominantly inhabit ar-
eas in the underground of the Arts block where they can be seen surrounding male members who play guitar, while others sing bothersome songs. This is believed to be part of some bizarre mating ritual; they are known to be extremely incestuous in their relationships. They also spend copious amounts of time rehearsing for plays they put on in order to hypnotise unsuspecting students with the aim of adding them to their ranks. Dramsoc are considered very dangerous; it is requested that students beware of them. Their confinement is welcomed by all rational thinkers in the university. This is not Halloween, this is Christmas.