Blue Mountain Review / june 2021 man, I don’t care what anyone else says.”
I kept reading the same sentence and stopping halfway through: On such days all the colors are soft-
ened; they are bright without being gaudy… Every time I told myself I should quit listening, give him some privacy, his words broke through my concentration, the tight black letters going blurry in my vision. The little monster was breathing that deep whistling breath of contentment I wished she were breathing in her crib, her cheek mashed against my chest. Her hat had slipped back to show the soft crown of her head, skin taut over the fontanel and pulsing like a tiny drum struck from the inside. I tried to crane my neck to see the speaker, but all I could catch was a long skinny arm, a black pattern etched into pale flesh from elbow to wrist.
“If they’re right about how far along she is,” he said, “and you count back, I mean, that’s got to be last
September, when we were down in Utah. Things were going really well then. She was happy, hardly using, and man, we were doing it all the time, like five times a day, you know what I mean? Those were the best weeks we ever had. And I swear, the desert, you think there’s nothing out there, but it’s beautiful, man, all that sand and rock and sky. What’s missing is all the bullshit. You could just fucking breathe there, you know, and the sunsets just about made you want to cry. Anyway, if it started last September, then it’s definitely mine, there’s no doubt about it. I’ve always know it’s mine. But Stacey says she can’t be sure, not a hundred percent, says maybe she wants to do a paternity test, which is fine by me, I say let’s just do it and get it over with.”
The throaty voice said something then, too low for me to distinguish any words. But they made the
speaker pause and let out a long breath. When he started up again, his voice was slower and strained. “Thing is, even if it isn’t mine, I don’t care, I love her, man, I’d take care of her and the kid both. Says it could be Runt’s or Adam’s. Maybe someone she doesn’t even remember. When she’s high, she’ll open her legs for anyone. That fucking H, man, it messed her up so bad sometimes she didn’t even know who I was when we were going at it. And I don’t blame those guys, beautiful girl like Stacey gives herself to you, you’re not gonna turn it down, even if you know she’s been with your friend forever. But I swear, man, the kid’s mine, and even if it isn’t, I’m the only one gives enough of a shit to take care of it. I still love her, even after all this mess. And we would have gotten through it all, too, everything would’ve worked out if we hadn’t gotten busted, and now her goddamn probation officer telling her she can’t have anything to do with me, like he’s got the fucking right, like we’re in fucking China or something, and he can tell her who she can and can’t see.”
His voice had sped up at the end, and risen, too, and I moved a hand toward the little monster’s ear to
block the sound. But then the throaty voice spoke up, and for the first time I heard it clearly. “Easy, man,” it said, and from the other came another big breath, followed by a surprising laugh, higher in pitch than I’d expected but humorless.
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