22 minute read
Verbalizing Emotions Ulyses Ramos
U: Why do you think you are always trying to help other people? Did something happened to led time where I have felt much emotional wavering, I have an incredible support network who you think this way? help bring me back down, before I destabilize. As far as who with, mostly it’s friends, family,
J: I feel like I am such a fortunate person, to have grown up the way I grew up with a supportive emotionally vulnerable with you. I have worked hard on being able to share, becoming open. family, and with supportive friends, good teacher even though I was a terrible student. But, I Generally though, I would say that I prefer not to. feel like a lot of it was taught to me at the same time I started doing it because I liked it and I
felt that I could be good at helping people. Sometimes I think it’s a good practice to do U: Do you see yourself as more critical or emotional? How do you feel about that?
something that is really difficult. Pushes you to your limit and you don’t get anything out of it, popularity right now, and I am a firm believer in it. For me, above all else, my coping make phone calls, or enjoy the breeze. I make sure to walk for at least an hour every day (except
my girlfriend. I talk to my girlfriend, my parents, and brother a lot. Daily. I feel like I can be other than maybe satisfaction. I feel it protects the purity of what you doing if you prioritize J: Oh! that’s a great question. I think that’s something better to ask the people who know me, if the profit. That became a big driver. you want a full portrait of myself. I think I have a high EQ, but generally, I don’t make emotional decisions. I definitely live an emotional life, but I find myself often making choices
U: What is a coping mechanism? Do you see one in your life? that hurt me emotionally in favor of something that I perceive to be better. Like when I moved
J: Coping mechanisms are things people do to help them manage things which are emotionally of long distance has been very taxing emotionally, but it was important to me that I continue to taxing or intellectually taxing. Right now, we’re seeing the term, “Self-Care” exploding in learn and grow in a new city.
mechanism is walking. I love to walk, it forces me to take a break from everything I am U: You were talking earlier about how challenging the training in the suicide hot line is and how studying, reading, writing, or making, and affords me the ability to slow down, relax, and it changes a lot of people. How do you think it changed you?
to San Diego, and left my job, family, and girlfriend behind to pursue my education. Two years for Fridays). This has gotten me through breakups, deaths, and two years at UCSD. I also try to J: I feel like it really helped me become myself. The first call that I ever listen to, the person calling stay vigilant for what might be considered self-destructive coping mechanisms. I refuse to was a man that just got out of prison. And while he was there he was roomed with a roommate of the drink when I am sad because I worry about building dependency, and I am still trying to figure opposite sex who offered to protect him from shower rape in exchange for oral sex. So, he would out how move away from watching TV as a coping mechanism for feeling overwhelmed by have to perform oral sex on his cell mate in exchange from protection. That was the agreement. Over how much I have to do- procrastination can be one of the worst coping mechanisms for me. the course of his six months of prison and being kind of serially “assaulted” for the entire time, he came out not really knowing what his sexuality was. Because I think he found it easier to perform
U: How did you found out about the suicide hot line? oral sex on his cell mate than he thought it would be. But he had a girlfriend on the outside and he
wanted to get back together with her but he thought “maybe I am gay, I hated but I kind of liked it”. J: I was living in (some place) Michigan and a lot of people around was dealing with some And he is trying to negotiate his sexuality right after getting out of prison while he looked for troubles, but somehow the sadness of other people wouldn’t ruin my day. So, I started emotional support from his girlfriend. It was an amazing call and a really shocking situation. That thinking, is there something wrong? Am I not emotionally available enough? Like why is it totally changed me, because from then on, I felt like I could never convict someone (in any situation) that I can have these conversations where in the conversation I feel unpathetic but then once because I feel like if the punishment would be going to prison and experience assault rape that it’s done I feel like I was right back to normal. And I thought, why doesn’t other people sadness there’s no crime worthy of that punishment. It totally changes my view of the criminal justice system affect me more? Is there a coldness to me? And I started thinking of ways that this skill could and the way it operates. And then on the other side I saw this guy negotiating his sexuality for the be used, instead of seeing it as an emotional shortcoming. Around that time, I was listening to first time and had him having the space to do that in a way that is not judgmental. There’s a necessity
53 a lot of radio and in some podcast a guy told a story about volunteering in the suicide hot line and a call that went wrong. The story was so moving that I thought “that’s what I want to do” So when I came back to the bay area I found the Suicide San Francisco Prevention Hot line, I applied and when they asked me “why are you here?” I told them about the story, about feeling that I have the emotional stability to bare the contempt on the calls and about being able to take public transit. I found out later, after they have accepted me that they have a policy that they reject every single person who mentions that radio story. That’s how I found out about it. U: Do you see yourself as an emotional stable person? J: Yes. U: Does people around you see yourself as that? J: Yes, is one of the thing that I’ve come to rely on a lot in myself not just as you know dealing with my own. But also, I have a girlfriend and for most of her friends she is the person who gives care but with me, she can depend on me emotionally. U: Most of the time you feel you are an emotional stable person, when/with whom/where do you feel unstable? J: Hahaha when talking about internal borders. It’s hard to consider. Thinking about borders this much has pushed me to an… unusual place for me that I didn’t expect. Sometimes I will come away from my work feeling totally lost and alone. But even then, I don’t know what instability means? I believe in fully letting myself experience a full range of emotions, but I try to have people in your life that are not judgmental. And it helped me to turn off a part of myself that could be judgmental. To judge people based on their actions instead of giving them the space and hearing them out. It’s helped me more than anything else to take a step away from that and listen, it is such a basic thing that everyone should do, but I had to be taught that. My world diversified after that. Also, feeling afraid of talking about intimate topics: not anymore. When you tell people that you volunteer at a suicidal hot line they start sharing with you their relationship with suicide. Even complete strangers. U: It is interesting to hear that you realize that the suicide hot line is all about giving people a free space for them to express. But, who gives you the free space? Who listens to you? J: I’m a really fortunate guy, and I think I have a lot of people in my life that might listen to me. But then also I’ve come to find that every once in a while, when you want emotional support you don’t want to go to your closest friends, you want to go to people that don’t know you that well but know you a little bit, and it’s how you become close. U: How would you describe your personal relationship with suicide? J: I would say I am one of the few people that have a positive one. I’ve known only a few people that have died because of suicide, no one I was close with, and to my knowledge none of my friend or people that I’m closed to have attempted suicide either and that puts me in a pretty small minority. I see suicide as a coping mechanism that people try to use when they are afraid that there’s no other way to stop the pain that they are in, or the exhaustion. It’s not necessarily that they want to die, they just want a break. When I think about suicide I think of people that want their lives to be better, there’s a sense of optimism there. It also makes a lot of sense why people who are suicidal might
to do it in a healthy way. I was visiting a dear friend’s grave a few weeks ago, around her decide to live. Because clearly part of envisioning suicide is envisioning things that are better for birthday, and it moved me to tears. That feels like a stable position to be in. I kind of associate them. And if there’s an alternative, and if you can help someone come to an alternative they will take
instability with rashness, and it’s hard for me to imagine a time when I’ve felt that way. Any it. Generally, people don’t want to die, they just want to feel better. ●
DRAW YOUR THOUGHTS
visit: www.collectivemagpie.org/book for the full collection of 82 interviews
The wall has become an extremely politicized symbol of the region, of SD/TJ. Twenty minutes away from our home in San Diego 50,000 northbound vehicles and 25,000 northbound pedestrians cross the US/MX border at the San Ysidro Port of Entry daily. You can stand at the closest beach to that port at the International Friendship Park and be a part of the surreal i image of three different layers of border divisions. La Mojonera, or Western Land Boundary Monument No. 258 is a 9-foot high obelisk which sits completely out of place at the beach like a tomb marker from a historic cemetery. It marks the start of the 1,952 mile line separating Mexico and the United States. In 1851, representatives of the Boundary Commissions from each nation placed the marker together in a collaborative effort that seems difficult to imagine today. A foot away from the territory marker is a sight impossible to fully ii understand. There is a 10 foot steel fence that divides the concrete, then the sand along the beach and continues on into the ocean for several hundred feet as if to attempt to divide that as well. This is a security border wall to prevent the passing of people from Mexico into the United States as a result of the 1994 Operation Gatekeeper. The wall is made of steel military iii landing mat and has small gaps between slats. Separated families have used those spaces to see each other, talk and hold hands between the bars for years. The latest wall is a double v iv reinforcement, first built after 9/11 when more federal legislation allowed for increased security at the border. This secondary wall built in parallel, several feet away from the first, also vi put an end to the possibility of physical contact through the fence. It created a further strange division of a policed no entry zone between the two fences that is occasionally opened for cultural events and often increases the pain of this division. If you go there today, you will see the barren US beach of Border Feld State Park under watch of a border patrol officer. On the MX side, you can see the lively festivities of the Playas beach front, food vendors, live musicians, seafood restaurants and children playing. What we see here is a landscape that separates families, creates tension between nations and instills fear of each other. The wall is a constant reminder of war, failed humanity and the incessant power play for the 1%. President Trump’s scheduled 21 billion dollar border wall will only reinforce and reassure us of all of many years of tension.
The interviews transcribed in this publication share a Mexican-American border patrol officer reflecting on illegal immigrants, a criminal sketch artist profiling the accused inside the court, first hand observations of how the legend of Tijuana, the dangerous city, continues to haunt families over 3 generations, a self described racial identity fading away from racial tension, the resolution of an internal struggle caused by external violence, a pathway from religious crisis to the questioning of freedom and much more. These stories are tragically frustrating, violently unforgivable, some cringe worthy, or confusing at times, are all warmly exchanged, immensely complex and most surprisingly, they are strikingly honest and personal. They ignite the border from the inside rather than from the outside reminding us that the border does not start at the line between US and MX but it is here, embedded in our lives, in every one of us.
These are the stories that are here and remain here as a memory and history. These are the stories of the border residents. These are the stories of our border—the border that matters.
54 w i t h r e s i d e n t s o f T i j u a n a - S a n D i e g o READ ALL 82 CONVERSATIONS Q: What is the first thing you have in mind when you walk into class? Coalesce: fuse, unite,integrate | Self - Interview Merge: Coalesce, Consolidate, Absorb, Combine Martha Salazar Cintora Martha S. Cíntora was born in Mexico City on May 12 of 1986, lives in Tijuana since she was 9 years old. She studied Visual Arts and has a Master’s degree in Art from Universidad Autónoma de Baja California in Tijuana. She's been an art teacher for 6 years in diverse school grades kindergarten, elementary, middle school, high school and since 3 years ago in the same bachelor degree that she graduated from. Currently she’s pursuing a PhD in Education because she is interested in the relationship of student - teacher- teacher- student. Border can be defined not as a territorial division, but a space lived in a merging state, in a mixed way. Martha S. Cíntora was born in México city on May 12 of 1986, lives in Tijuana since she was 9 years old. She studied Visual Arts and has a Master’s degree in Art from Universidad Autónoma de Baja California 1 in Tijuana. She's been an art teacher for 6 years in diverse school grades kindergarten, elementary, middle school, high school and since 3 years ago in the same bachelor degree that she graduated from. Currently she’s pursuing a PhD in Education because she is interested in the relationship of student - teacher- teacher- student. Transnationals b o r d e r F O U R 1 7 c o n v e r s a t i o n s PREFACE & THANK YOU We are humbled and grateful to have had the honor and privilege to cross back and forth between San Diego and Tijuana, listening to the experiences of people living in these borderlands, over these last several years. Those who have shared their personal stories, for others to read, have inspired this rich publication. We thank you all for extending your sincerity, labor and trust in each other and to us—two complete strangers—during our Globos Workshops*. The generosity extended by each participant opened a space to consciously engage together, reflecting on the complex close(d) relationship of living within the region of the most frequently crossed border in the world—And all the mess, beauty and challenges that are a part of it. The resulting 82 conversations on the subject of border were produced via four seminars from an experimental Art & Ethnography course series: HOT AIR BALLOONS and INTERVIEWS from 2015-2017. The seminars were held in conjunction with the Culture, Art & Technology Program, University of California San Diego; the Transdisciplinary Program, Woodbury University at the School of Architecture; and the concluding seminar, Transnational Edition was held in partnership with the Museum of Contemporary Art San Diego, in addition to multiple sites in both border cities. MCASD hosted the seminar extending access and content to the their permanent collection and enabling the seminar to exist between multiple colleges, allowing joint participants from Southwestern College, University of California San Diego and Universidad Autónoma de Baja California. This interview collection and artwork consists of a series of transcribed interviews conducted and edited by millennials working collaboratively with each other and with us. * Globos Workshops were developed to produce a fleet of 25ft unmanned hot air balloons to be launched over the US/MX border at Friendship Park, TJ/SD. Balloon construction workshops were held at both sides of the border within many different communities and cultural centers. This publication is a four part series of conversations about the border. Preface & Introduction by Tae Hwang & MR Barnadas of Collective Magpie. Design by Adrian Orozco & Abigail Peña. Copyright. 2015-2018 All authors. . Printed at Diego & Sons, SD. Complete free download of 82 interviews can be accessed at www.collectivemagpie.org/book
A: I always have a structure plan of what I’m going to do that day, I’ve already checked what's you do get 4-5 students in a group of 23 which are older than 25. And in the visual art degree as the next theme and have a plan for it, for example it can be pastel 2 , I have a theoretical a whole have like 10 students that are above 40 4 . presentation with videos and information that I checked the content the day before to
remember the script for the presentation. I check the videos to see the things I want to Q: When do you feel you know your students?
emphasise, I've check for artist that work with the material to give them examples of how can
Q: How are your students like? What do they expect of the class?
A: They're very enthusiastic, because is their 1st semester of their bachelor degree, they come with a lot of expectations and energy. They come with a very good sense of drawing, they're normally say things like: I'm the one student that was always drawing in class, so they're interesting in drawing and painting very realistically, and do new things like sculpture and printmaking (most of them have never done any of those) they don’t care for abstraction or conceptual art, mainly because they don’t know much about it or understand it. They have never been exposed to it. Their idea of an artist is almost like a da Vinci type of artist with
their easel and brushes, painting away, with a beret (laughs).
The students I get are interested in movies, tv, cartoons, illustration (a big chunk of them are into illustration and digital art), hanging out with friends, they like to be on their computer, Facebooking, Tumblr, Instagram and Pinterest. They are normally not that outdoorsy, they are young people that like to be in their house in their computer, listening to music and watching tv series. Also, some of them, like 35% have a part time or full time job as well, making it really hard to focus on their studies.
Q: What do you think of them?
A: I think they are young... I see myself in them because I was like them. As I was growing up I didn’t know much about art, I used to watch MTV a lot in high school, and there use to be in the commercial section little video art clips (that at the time I didn't know there were video art), and I loved them but didn’t know what there were, so I was into art without knowing it was art. And when I entered to the visual art degree I didn’t know anything about materials and techniques. So they remember me of my younger self, because I too only knew how to draw when I started my undergraduate degree.
A: The freshmen's of the visual art degree are entering mostly straight from high school: 18, but they work with them. And it goes like that: 60 - 90 minutes presentation, 15 minutes videos, A: I talked to them a lot, even in class, because it's their first practical class and it’s the first time 3-5 examples and a 2- 3 hrs. working process with various exercises. someone push them to do something good (drawing representationally) 5 and I’m very demanding and obsessive with achieving a good skill level in everyone but I have to do it in a
Q: How do you begin your first day of a new class, when you don't know any of the students? way that they don’t feel threatened or insecure about it, there’s this stigma that as an artists if
you are not good enough you shouldn't be there, so I try to be very careful in correcting them A: I enter very loosely and calm with my coffee, I set up the projector (because it’s a workshop and pushing them. What I normally do is I sit down with each student individually, the space, the projectors are in the main office of the building), I turn on my computer, check that classroom studio is organized as a horseshoe form and I have a chair in the middle that I can everything works and I start with a presentation of the class: “Welcome everyone this is move around the student spaces, I will then be in a front interaction with each of them, and I Introduction of the visual discipline, this is your first practical class 3 , my name is Martha you always sit. If I'm standing I will be looking down on them and I don’t like that. I approach can call me by my name or teacher or whatever you want”, I start talking a little about myself, (normally the ones struggling with the exercise) with a: how are you doing? What's up? While about how not long ago I was a student of the faculty, just like them, so I understand and we work I will start a conversation of anything, like their clothing, movies, music, video know what they're going through, I present the syllabus for the class, the evaluation games, cartoons, trying to chat with them in a more personal level to loosen them up, I have agreement and I end with a presentation of the class, I asked them for their name, the high better results that way. So I have a sense that I know my students when I learn their names school they come from, age, what do they like, if they work and expectations of the class. (and I always try to learn their names) and know how they work and what types of things they
like.
Q: Do you know why do they want to pursue art?
A: They normally don’t really know. They are like: I like to draw and I like cartoons, and anime, (we have a lot of student that like anime), they like the idea of painting and drawing but they don’t really know what contemporary artists do. For instance, in the career there's a lot of theoretical subjects, in the 1st semester they ask them to read, and write a lot and they normally don’t understand why, they are like: Why do I need to read and write, I just want to paint! And I'm like wow! for your information, contemporary artists need to read and write a lot, so you
better get used to it. (laughs).
Q: What do you say when they say they like anime and they want to do manga?
