Arizona runs out of iced-tea, A2 ♞C7
The Longhorn Est. 1846
Grand Valley State University www.longhorny.com Tuesday, March 1, 2010
Welcome to the first issue of The Longhorn
“i‐strobe” death
by Precious, Professional Breastfeeder 2/28/2010 At 2:17 am on February 27, an ambulance arrived at Kitties and Titties strip club on Main Street in Cedar Springs, MI. Main attraction Cherry Daiquiri, By Flakey McRomeo, Kindergarten suddenly collapsed on the stage during her performance and fell into an Cop epileptic seizure. 2/10/2010 The night manager, who goes by the name "Chode", commented on the Welcome to the first edition of event. The Longhorn. We are a new "Singles were flying off her body like antiabortion pamphlets at a subdivision of the Lanthorn staff prochoice rally" remarks Chode. committed to hard hitting (Name Withheld) ran on the stage claiming to be a doctor and told investigative journalism and everyone to stay calm, giving further medical instruction to put something in responsible objectivity. Cherry Daiquiri's mouth so that she wouldn't bite off her tongue. An iPhone We hope you enjoy this first was given to the doctor and placed between the performers teeth. edition of The Longhorn. If the In the confusion, Daiquiri turned over and the iPhone slid to the back of response is positive enough, we her throat where it became lodged in her trachea. will continue to publish and The men in the club took turns attempting mouth to mouth recitation until expand. All comments, concerns the ambulance arrived. Daiquiri was pronounced dead at the scene. She was and suggestions can go to Hell, but 27. first they can stop at the desk of Chode comments, "She has been practicing her finale for weeks. She was our boyfriend publication: The going to deep throat an entire Hapanowicz kielbasa. It's a shame‐‐it would Lanthorn. If you have an opinion have been one heck of a show." you would like to share, please Sources claim that the strobe light was replaced that afternoon. None of direct it to the other performers have had any problems adjusting to the new light. editorial@lanthorn.com. No charges have been filed against Chode or the club. Again, and I cannot stress this enough: we are totally a couple A memorial service will be held this Friday at 8:00 pm at Kitties and Titties strip club at 140 S Main Street, Cedar Springs, MI. All domestic draft beers with the Lanthorn. It will be on will be half off in memory of Cherry Daiquiri. facebook soon
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NEWS AN’ SHIT
Man stuck in roundabout faces a turn of fate by Little Sister, Clumsy Voyeur 2/26/2010 Police investigate the cause of a peculiar state of affairs at Cherry and Jefferson in downtown Grand Rapids on Saturday. Officers were forced to immobilize a vehicle after receiving calls that it had been circling the roundabout for at least a half hour. “I was just concerned for the ozone,” claims Vern Walters, the Grand Haven resident who reported the mysterious activity. “I could care less about the driver—the guy was clearly out of his mind—but Mother Nature doesn’t deserve the abuse.” Upon halting the blue Pontiac, Officer Sam Parks, the responding officer, approached the driver’s window where he noted the driver to be in duress. “He was wearing a straitjacket,” Parks remarks. “13 years on the job and I’ve never seen anything like this in my wife.” (Parks’ wife is a known proponent of strange insertions.) The subject was taken to Sparrow Hospital where he was given a full medical examination. Officials refuse to comment on the results of the tests, but Parks regards his appearance upon waking to be abnormal. “He was definitely (this is a college paper, there must by typos) loopy. I don’t think he muttered anything comprehensible and I’m not even sure if English was his first language.” Medical examiners are retaining the patient until relatives can be contacted upon which future decisions will be left up to the next of kin.
Jesus Returns; Hates supposed to enjoy the gift of life when someone keeps telling you that you’re doing it wrong? This is the word of the Writing 150 By Flakey McRomeo, Curling Gold Medalist 2/25/2010 The residents of West Michigan, typically referred to as “Bible Humpers,” are tremendously excited that their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has returned. He has been spotted attending classes alongside students, and blessing Advisors and teachers, who Mr. Christ has taken to calling “The Sick” and “The Poor in Spirit” respectively. “I can’t believe Jesus is back! Wooo! I like, totally love God and shit <sic>” a slightly overweight member of a fraternity sporting a sideways hat told the Longhorn. The risen God is not similarly pleased. “I don’t have any real friends. Everyone wants to hang out because I’m Jesus and because I can turn water to wine. Classes suck. I get low marks in writing 150 because I write in ‘overly simple sentences’. Whatever. They’re powerful. I am who am, you know? There’s a reason The Bible has been around for so long: everyone can understand it.” When asked if the reason The Bible has been around so long is actually because it is the word of God, Jesus said “Eh…Not really. I mean, God loves everyone, and that’s in there. All of the hate in that book though? None of it is the word of Dad. I mean you people are really missing out on shellfish and anal sex. Seriously. Anal: best thing ever. Giving or receiving” Jesus also had thoughts about what other things GV students were missing out on: “Hard drugs, definitely. Also, block parties. The police here are A**holes. I mean, how are you
Lord.”
News for America‐ good for children, bad for cannibals
by Precious, Condom Tester 2/14/2010 Fifty‐four‐year‐old Ugolino Cronus of the Korowai tribe in Papua New Guinea is a snob when it comes to consuming children. After a recent trip to the United States Capital building in Washington D.C., where he attended the biannual international Fight For Peace conference, Cronus says that the overall quality of American children has diminished over the past few years. "I have eaten children from every continent of the world," Cronus admits. "I have never been so disappointed with the quality of the American child ever in my life." Cronus attributes this decline to children getting more exercise and eating healthier foods. He blames the FDA and their Koality Foodz program for mandating the removal of unnecessary partially‐hydrogenated oils and empty carbohydrates from school lunches. In response to this outrage, Cronus is taking steps to promote fattier foods in elementary school lunchrooms. He is currently working on a campaign called Tasty Kids for a Tastier Future to raise awareness of the sudden increase in the quality of children's food. Cronus comments, "Parents need to give their kids more processed foods to eat; let them sit inside and watch great American television and play
NEWS AN’ SHIT
games on the computer. Together, we can improve the overall meat quality of the American child." Cronus is trying to start his nutritional program, but he needs your help! If you would like to donate, visit www.cannibals4peace.com/tastyk idsforatastierfuture (sponsored by Little Debbie and Hostess Snack Cakes). Suggested donation items include Activision's Call of Duty series, DeLonghi: Cool Touch Deep Fryer, and Jersey Shore Season 1.
Clock tower kills bird‐ PETA investigates by Little Sister, Plant Psychic 2/19/2010 The bell tolls solemnly over GVSU’s Allendale campus as the chimes have been out of sync for the past few weeks. After looking into the musical disturbance, custodial staff revealed the unfortunate news. Jim Cline, the maintenance department staff member who was assigned to repair the dissonance, recovered the body of a sparrow that was trapped in the internal mechanisms of the notorious Cook Carillon Tower. “The tower is constructed with safety precautions so that this would never happen,” says Cline. “I guess that sparrow was just small enough to fit through the screens.” Claiming an anonymous tipster, PETA contacted the University earlier this week with threats of legal action if the screen wasn’t upgraded to proper safety standards. University officials assure that proper action is being taken to buffer the gaps in the face of the tower, but students say they don’t want it to hinder the sound of the chimes. “I sing along to those bells, man,” jokes Kyle Tim, a senior at GVSU. “But seriously, I count on the tower clear across campus to tell me when class is starting. If I can’t hear them because
Aliens come bearing message to the world: "There ain't no meaning to life"
of a stupid bird, I’m gonna be fist‐ pumping at the student senate soon.” Despite the aggravated student body, the chimes were repaired and the bird’s family says they don’t plan on pressing charges. A memorial service for the victim by Precious, Beanie Baby Veterinarian will be held at the Cook‐DeWitt Center Farmer Joe Stevenson, a lifelong on Thursday, March 4th at 6 p.m. resident of Allegan county, claims that last week Wednesday, he and his cows made contact with alien creatures. "They came outta nowhere, all green and goggly‐eyed, looked like Al Gore himself,” Stevenson remarks. “At first I thought it was him, and I ran and hid. Then I realized it wasn't Al Gore, and it was just aliens. So I went By Flakey McRomeo, Wanted Felon out and offered them some sugar 2/16/2010 water, like they did in Men In Black. The state legislature announced a Heck, I ain't gonna be skinned and put new student aid initiative called “The over any alien! I thought I'd sweet Michigan Promise: But For Real This talk'm a bit." Time”. Stevenson said the aliens declined The bill will seek to repair the the sugar water, and he took this as a damage done the last time the positive gesture because this meant government of Michigan promised they were not big bugs from outer anything. space, therefore non‐hostile Governor Granholm was on hand creatures. for the bill’s photo‐op press Stevenson reported that the conference political wankfest. creatures came bearing a message for “We believe this bill should help. the entire world: We’re totally sorry. This won’t be like "They come up in some fancy space last time. We in the government really ship an says they choosed me to give love you. We want to get back the whole world this message: 'there together.” Governor HUGEASSMOLE ain't no meaning to life.'” <ahem> Grandmole <sorry> Granholm Shortly after this interview, police told the assembled (and useless) press arrested Stevenson in an investigation corps. that spawned from several tips of drug When asked about the “last time” activity. Stevenson was charged with Granholm had this to say: “We were having equipment to make just confused, and we needed the methamphetamine. Police also money. None of that matters now. We discovered a bunker in his back yard care so much” which housed 300 pounds of “Yeah” supported her apparently methamphetamine and other meth‐ sentient mole. related paraphernalia. Public reaction to the bill has been In the police report, Stevenson painful hope. We just don’t want to insisted it was not his meth, he was get hurt again. holding the drug for a friend. Beyond that, he declines to make any further comments except to say that the aliens have erased all his memory.
State Legislature Considers New Aid Package: “Michigan Promise: But For Real This Time”
NEWS AN’ SHIT
Lanthorn Hires First Writer By Flakey McRomeo 2010 Miss Universe 2/22/2010 The GVSU Lanthorn announced today that it has hired its first writer in the publication’s history. “We’re very excited about this” said Chelsea Lane, the Lanthorn’s news editor. “We’re looking forward to the kinds of changes a writer might bring to the table.” Explaining the decision GVL Business Manager Eric Lee had this to say: “Well, we normally hire people with no interest in the craft of writing. We ask for writing samples, and try to pick the most mediocre prose we can; preferably with spelling errors. This time we decided to do something different. Instead of another staff member who couldn’t tell an article from a toenail, we decided to hire a writer.” Mr. Lee went on to explain that the publication wanted to hire a “real writer, not just kind of a
writer” and included the criteria that the hiree had to be stuffy, pretentious, alcoholic, and dressed in a leather jacket, fedora, or both. “We started in the PAC. It took us a while to find someone who met our needs. Probably an entire six minutes.” Mr. Lee said. “We hope all of that time was worth it.” Look for evidence of this new writer’s work in upcoming issues of the Lanthorn.
Human/animal rights debate
by Precious, Outhouse Plumber Jesse O'hare always knew his Labrador retriever, Susan, was special. "When I saw her at the pound, it was love at first bark" recalls O'hare. Susan is a happy, seven‐year‐ old black lab. O'hare said that their relationship began two years ago and is still going strong. "All I want is equal rights: the same benefits heterosexual and homosexual couples get.”
O'hare says that his relationship is no different than any other human to human relationship: he goes to work every day, and she's a modern homemaker. Protesters against O'hare's case say that he should be jailed for statutory rape because of Susan's age. Angry protester, Kathleen Jargonsen, a stay‐at‐home mother of two, exclaims: "Dog years don't count! Besides, that bitch can't even have his kids!" Other estrogen‐crazed, stay‐at‐ home‐do‐nothings‐who‐don't‐ have‐anything‐better‐to‐do protest against the couple, claiming Susan to be a whore because O'hare bought Susan. “The only reason she stays around is because [O'hare] provides food and shelter. He actually has her on a leash. Poor woman.” An open‐forum debate will take place on Friday March 5 at 7pm in 102 Loutit Lecture Hall
Paraphilia Puzzle of the Week! Narratophilia Urolagnia Autoerotic asphixiation Frotteurism Masochism Exhibitionism Teratophilia Ursusagalmatophilia Acrotomophilia Coprophilia