COMEDY AT MARTHA’S VINEYARD BOOK REVIEW: THE FOUR AGREEMENTS
FINDING ANSWERS IN TODAY’S WORLD
FINDING ANSWERS IN TODAY’S WORLD
Finding your inner spirit might be the best option for surviving in today’s complicated, complex world.
We explore the options on changing ON THE COVER
13 CELEBRATE COMEDY AT MARTHA’S VINEYARD
16 GETTING OVER OUR FEAR OF WATER
Over 70 percent of Blacks say they do not know how to swim.
that number to zero.
6 MOVERS AND SHAKERS
Get to know people who are making a difference in their careers and changing the world!
There has never been a better time to return to normal, return to comedy, and return to fun. Steve Capers highlights the Martha’s Vineyard Comedy Fest returning in August 2021.
22 MAN CODES
Quotes by people of distinction.
24 THE FOUR AGREEMENTS
A magical book about creating a stress-free life filled with personal growth.
26 LET’S BE HONEST
Relationships based in trust offer the opportunity to be honest when it comes to delivering sensitive
information. The couples that achieve this status have a better chance of staying together.
31 HOT FUN IN THE SUMMER
Enjoy better summer swim trunks that showcase your fashion sense and body!
ADVERTISE WITH CODE M
Men of color influence the latest trends of popular culture, fashion, and music more than any demographic. Reach this audience when you advertise with CODE M Magazine. Call 216-273-9400 to request a rate kit.
TRANSFORMING
PUBLISHER
Bilal S. Akram
PRESIDENT
Brad J. Bowling
SENIOR ADVISOR
Alexandria Johnson Boone
MANAGING EDITOR
David Christel
GRAPHIC DESIGN
Stiff Arm Media
EXECUTIVE MANAGER/ MEDIA COORDINATOR
Paula D Morrison
EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT
To the PUBLISHER
Ladonna “Lala” Dicks
DIRECTOR OF RADIO/PODCAST
Bilal S. Akram
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY
Franklin Solomon
SOCIAL MEDIA
Rachel Woods
IT CONSULTANT
Anthony Jones
Digital Jetstream, LLC
CHIEF MARKETING OFFICER
Stephen Curry
ADVERTISING
Kevin Jones
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
Teri Martin
David Williams
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
David Christel
Anthony Kirby
Brad J. Bowling
Armon R. Perry, PhD
Bilal S. Akram
Sharif Akram
Darrell Scott
Braylon Lee
To submit comments, feedback or to inquire about advertising please contact us at info@codemediagroupllc.com
BILAL AKRAM bilal.akram@codemediagroupllc.com
BRAD BOWLING brad.bowling@codemediagroupllc.com
CMO: STEPHEN CURRY stephen.curry@codemediagroupllc.com
: KEVIN JONES kevin.jones@codemedialgroupllc.com
ADVERTISING: TERI MARTIN teri.martin@codemmediagroupllc.com
H O W E L L
Get to know people who are making a difference in their careers and changing the world! O L I V I A
OLIVIA HOWELL
The Solon, Ohio native had a delayed start to her Illinois track career after her freshman season was wiped out by the COVID-19 pandemic last spring. The bar has been set awfully high moving forward after a pair of Big Ten titles one indoor, one outdoor and All-American honors this season. Howell was named the 2021 Big Ten athlete of the year as well!
(ALFIE) A. CHATMAN-WALTER
Currently, Ms. Chatman-Walter serves as senior manager of diversity, equity, inclusion and opportunity within the People and Culture Department at the Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland. In this role, Ms. Chatman-Walter provides broad leadership among employees and senior leadership on issues related to equity, diversity, and inclusion and designs and teaches the Bank’s D&I leadership development curriculum attended by employees at all levels of the Bank.
MYKOL BROOKS
In 2015 Mykol Brooks became a star quarterback for Richmond High school. He also served on then Congresswoman Marcia Fudge’s student advisory council. He is now a commissioned officer in the US Navy. His first assignment is to train new freshman at the Academy on sailing skills, after which he will command his own crew on the USS Lake Champlain in San Diego,
Bachelor of Science in Industrial Management / Purdue University. He plans to start his doctoral program in Educational Leadership at New England College in January 2022.
Finding Answers in Today’s World HEALTH
Finding your inner spirit might be the best option for surviving in today’s complicated, complex world.
Written by DAVID CHRISTEL
David has been ghostwriting books for well-known people since 1995. He is also the author of Married Men Coming Out: The Ultimate Guide to Becoming the Man You Were Born to Be.
Are we going to hell in a handbasket? It sure feels like it. Our country is enmeshed in a tsunami of conflict, cancel culture, power struggles, environmental issues, and violence. Oh, and the pandemic. Life is a mess right now as the usual paradigms by which we live and operate shift and force us to recalibrate our existence and reassess our sense of reality. How are we to get through this?
There are a lot of answers to that question, but there is one avenue that transcends them all: spirituality. That may not be the answer you were looking for, but let’s drill down into this subject as it really is at the heart of what’s missing in our world. First and foremost, spirituality is all about your direct and unique
connection to the universe, God, Divine Spirit, or All-that-Is however you want to term it. It’s as close as your heartbeat, as deep and expansive as eternity. It is your interconnectedness to all of life, the matrix of all being.
Okay, so what?
Considering the amount of stress, anxiety, hurt, and destructiveness we’ve been immersed in for seemingly ages, we appear to be stuck on a hamster wheel endlessly
reliving the same ol’ issues. It really is time to get off that cycle and create something better for ourselves. As Einstein said, “Insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” That’s humanity in a “nut”shell.
The second thing about spirituality is that it has only one purpose in mind: you discovering your true self. That means it’s non-denominational, doesn’t require an intermediator, has no dogma to follow, and doesn’t require you to follow
someone else’s definition or vision of spirituality or religion. Thankfully, there are a number of ways to go about revealing who you truly are, some that you may already be familiar with.
• Meditation: a practice where you use a technique such as focusing your mind on a particular object, thought, or activity to train your attention and awareness, and achieve a mentally clear and emotionally calm and stable state. In this state, you’re more receptive to seeking answers outside your usual thinking and behavioral
patterns.
• Mindfulness: becoming more aware of where you are and what you’re thinking and feeling in the present, moment by moment. This is not being hypervigilant, but more about keeping your focus in the now, not the past or future. It really listening to those around you and not being distracted, paying attention to the world around you instead of blocking things out. Try this when you’re out in nature and see what happens for you. Then try it in other life situations.
• Contemplation: similar to meditation, the object is to quiet your mind and then listen and not direct your thinking, ask questions, petition, or pray just listen to your inner voice, the universe, God, Divine Spirit, or All-that-Is. Our world is so full of distractions, as well as others impinging on our space. So, quieting the mind of all that and then tuning into the infinite is where you’ll find inspiration and guidance that right just for you and no one else.
• Oneness: a 24/7 practice wherein you recognize the Divine within everyone and all things and you seek to add the highest value in all circumstances at all times for all of humanity and the environment unconditionally. This is a whole new level of loving, serving, and giving 100 percent of the time and in every aspect of your life. The most important part is doing all of this unconditionally. means not wanting anything in return, having no
expectations, not being attached to any outcomes, remaining neutral, and leaving your ego out of the picture.
This kind of thinking probably sounds airy-fairy and is going to go up against many of your existing beliefs. But that’s the beauty of spirituality in that it only enhances your current understandings, as well as broadens them. Importantly, you don’t have to sequester yourself in some remote mountaintop cave and divorce yourself from humanity in order to practice any of these methods.
They can be done anywhere and at any time. What’s useful is to pick a time of day when you won’t be interrupted by anything or anyone. Sit in a comfortable chair or lie down on your bed, take a few deep breaths, and let your body completely relax. Then practice one of these methods for about twenty minutes each time and see what you discover.
There are many other spiritual modalities you can check out such
self-discovery because the quest to know your true self is an ongoing process. Just when you think you know something, the universe, God, Divine Spirit, or All-that-Is will reveal yet another level for you to explore.
In the process, you’ll get the chance to re-evaluate your beliefs and values, your wants and needs, the principles and conventions by which you live, and the meaning and purpose of your life experiences. Essentially, life is all about your perceptions, the meaning you give your perceptions, and the actions you take. Imagine how different your understanding and actions will be when seen through the lens of spirituality.
Figuring out the “why” at the core of all that is the journey, the greatest and most fulfilling journey you’ll ever undertake. It is where the greatest treasure lies it’s all within you.
Give spirituality a chance and allow yourself to truly blossom and become a greater version of who you know yourself to be. Don’t be afraid, know that you’re not alone, and let your true self shine!●
Reconnect with your inner spirit to find more balance and consistency in life.
Written by
Chris Bryant, DNP, MSN-PH, RN
Rameck Hunt, MD, FACP
CELEBRATE COMEDY AT MARTHA’S VINEYARD
There has never been a better time to return to normal, return to comedy, and return to fun. Steve Capers highlights the Martha’s Vineyard Comedy Fest returning in August 2021.
by Steve Capers
One of my favorite comedians, Richard Pryor, once said, There's a thin line between TO LAUGH WITH, and TO LAUGH AT. That I think encapsulates the history of Black comedy in our country.
Because, just as everything else in the Black experience, we’ve had to make the best of sometimes awful situations and find joy and a reason to laugh. Black Comedians have been bringing us that joy and allowing us to laugh with each other for all of our history here in America.
My name is Steve Capers, and I am the Managing Partner, along with my wife Dorothy, of Knock-Knock Comedy Productions, the founder of The Martha’s Vineyard Comedy Fest and, I hold the trademark for Black Comedy Month.
Most importantly I am a comedy enthusiast who has used comedy as a way to entertain, and as a medium to drive Black entrepreneurial success.
My professional entertainment career began in 1993 when I joined Black Entertainment Television in Los Angeles. There I worked on some of the network's most iconic shows including Video Soul with Donnie Simpson, Teen Summit, and Rap City. It was through my work at BET that I met DL Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer, and Sommore, the hosts of BET’s Comic View, and began my education in Black comedy.
I can truthfully say that I was bitten by the
The 10th annual Martha Vineyard’s Comedy Fest returns this August in New York.
comedy bug!
In 1998, I was recruited by Comedy Central to head up their Chicago regional headquarters. The network was founded in 1989 as The Comedy Channel and was the first cable channel devoted exclusively to comedy-based programming. There I planned comedy events for nationally-acclaimed comedians and personalities including Jon Stewart (The Daily Show), Lewis Black, Ben Stein, Adam Corolla, Bill Cosby, and Sinbad.
After five years with the network, and with a lot of knowledge under my belt, I launched KNOCKKNOCK PRODUCTIONS in the Summer of 2003 to produce upscale comedy events for corporations, non-profits and colleges, and universities. We tailored our shows for
conferences, fundraisers, and corporate events. My client list included Bell and Howell, North Carolina A&T, and Milliken University.
Out of that, came the idea for a monthly comedy show that I and comedian Damon Williams conceived called FUNNY FIRST SATURDAY. The show was launched in Chicago and was key to revitalizing a once vibrant comedy scene in the city that once had national recognition with clubs like the legendary All Jokes Aside in the 1990s.
Knock-Knock also produced Damon Williams’ NEW YEAR’S EVE COMEDY BASH and many stand-up comedy networking events. Along the way, we were meeting and working with a national stable of
comedians and cultivating new comedic stars.
2010 was a pivotal year for Knock-Knock productions. My wife and I were vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard in 2009 when we began to discuss the idea of putting on an AFRICAN AMERICAN COMEDY FESTIVAL.
What better place than in Oak Bluff, a spot frequented by Black vacationers going back nearly a century. Dorothy encouraged me to go for it.
Realizing that top-tier comedic talent would be expensive, I decided to work with emerging comics on the cusp of stardom. With early support from HBO, we were able to launch the Martha’s Vineyard Comedy Fest in 2010.
That first year we featured Damon Williams (The Kings of Comedy Tour), AJ Jamal (In Living Color), and Roz G. (Last Comic Standings). Damon became the host of the annual festival and we saw our roster of comedians grow to include headliners Tony Roberts, John Henton, Tony Tone, Chastity Washington, and Honest Williamson.
Our nightly, two-hour shows provided an enjoyable means of escape for our guests during our early years. The MVCF was a safe space to revel in comedy and entertainment from a Black perspective.
By 2018 we were ready to expand the Martha’s Vineyard Comedy Fest to the entire month of August and we created BLACK COMEDY MONTH™ a heretofore unrecognized commemoration of the Black comedy experience. Today, it is one of the most prestigious celebrations of Black comedy in the country, held each August.
We characterize it this way: “A Black comedian walks into a club on Martha’s Vineyard and Black Comedy Month is born.”
This long-overdue celebration of Black Comedy is more than just good, clean, family entertainment. We also provide a historical perspective on the place that Black comedy and comedians hold in the entertainment industry. We celebrate Black comedic genius and, most importantly, we provide a showcase for both new and established comics to hone their craft and MAKE US LAUGH.
Black Comedy Month also affords us a unique platform to explore the evolution of Black Comedy.
I often say the history of Black comedy has taken us from Black Face to Black Faces. If you were to read the program book for our past shows, you’d see we
not only seek to entertain but to educate. We explore the backstory to Black comedy history.
The term Stepin' Fetchit brings up negative connotations for most of us, but with just a bit of digging you’d learn that the real-life
STEPIN FETCHIT, LINCOLN THEODORE MATTHEW ANDREW PERRY, broke barriers for more than 50 years beginning in the 1920s, Starting during the Vaudeville era, he later found career success in Hollywood, until being pushed out when prevailing sentiments turned against his type of humor. Yet without his knocking down barriers, with the then studio execs, none of today’s success in comedy would have been possible.
Amos and Andy dominated both radio and television in some form over three decades. Theirs’ was the most precedent-setting, hilarious, infamous, and divisive television shows ever aired. And the Black actors who filled those roles for television were part of a training ground that directly connects to Moms Mabley, Redd Foxx, and Richard Pryor. The buffoonery that was a regular part of the show also fell from favor yet is etched in our history and deserves to be explored as a part of that period.
During Black Comedy Month, we want to explore all aspects of comedy from Playing the Dozens to Dick Gregory; from Pigmeat Martin to our recently departed Paul Mooney; from Robin Harrison to Redd Foxx and from Bill Cosby to Dave Chappelle.
For us, at the Martha’s Vineyard Comedy Fest, this is about portraying another part of our rich, and yes, complicated American history. We believe that history deserves to be told in its totality.
Our Comedy showcase is what we call “Heart and Soul Comedy.” Comedians center their routines around the ‘heart and soul’ of the everyday lives of African Americans. We celebrate the complexity of the African American experience. With us, one size does not fit all.
A famous comic once said, “A COMIC SAYS FUNNY THINGS. A COMEDIAN SAYS THINGS FUNNY.” Our comedians say things FUNNY. When they talk about everyday Black lives, they do it without the drama of foul language or questionable content.
But most importantly, our comedians are FUNNY. We feature both identifiable superstars while being a training ground for those on the cusp of stardom. After just 10 years our nextlevel comedians include George Wallace, Mark Curry, Tony, Roz G, Howie Bell, B-Phlat, and more.
And others have seen our vision and believe in it. Over our 10 years, on Martha’s Vineyard, our sponsors have included BET, The Smithsonian Channel, Redds Apple Ale, and Budweiser. We also have a commitment to the community that has given us so much and we are partners with long recognized groups including The Polar Bears of Martha’s Vineyard and the
Steve Capers is the proud owner of Knock-Knock Productions.
news organization This Week on Martha’s Vineyard.
Today, the Martha’s Vineyard Comedy Fest is a recognized brand featured in commercials, sitcoms, books, across social channels, and our shows are fixtures on streaming services. Certainly, even great ideas are not realized in a vacuum. They require hard work, persistence, and attention to detail. Our success would not be possible without the comedians, club owners, and fans who have supported us for more than a decade.
In conclusion, I’ll say the future for both the Martha’s Vineyard Comedy Fest and Black Comedy Month is so bright that I have to wear shades. Plans are underway to expand our brand with an emphasis on streaming platforms, building a performing arts center near the island’s beloved Inkwell, and, of course, more laughs.
Because we are all about funny.
I’m Steve Capers and I’m a comedy enthusiast
Thank you!
Damon Williams is the host of the 10th Annual Martha’s Vineyard Comedy Fest.
COVER
With water playing an important role in offering therapeutic options, the time has never been greater for Blacks to learn how to swim and enjoy the healing powers that water offers.
Written by BRAD BOWLING
Brad Bowling is the President of CODE Media Group, LLC. Bowling has his BA in mass media communication and an MBA in marketing. He contributes articles to the magazine continuing his love for writing.
Water offers amazing options to those who seek a relaxing and balanced lifestyle.
GETTING OVER OUR FEAR OF WATER
Life as we know it has changed for everyone. It seems like there might be a second wave of the pandemic that has nothing to do with being physically ill. The second wave appears to be all mental and no one saw it coming.
Water plays a huge role in therapy for many Americans. But for Blacks, our fear, or lack of exposure to water, leaves us with very few options when it comes to finding places to rest and recover.
In the US, almost 3,500 people die every year from drowning, just under ten a day. According to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the rate of Blacks dying by water is three times higher than the national average.
Seventy percent of Blacks who were surveyed said they had no, or a low ability to swim; twelve percent said they were self-taught.
CHANGING THE NUMBERS
Because water is 75 percent of the planet and offers amazing mental, physical and emotional healing powers, Blacks must consider facing their fear or lack of access to water.
Richard, from the YMCA, says, “Swimming can
provide great assistance in relaxation, recovery, and just overall comfort to a body when stressed. The calming effect of water is why so many people gravitate to it. We love to be in the water, live around water, and listen to it when it rains.”
Requiring swimming lessons in schools could be one way to impact the low numbers of Blacks who swim. In the United Kingdom, swimming is a part of the education system, so all citizens learn how to swim. Here in the US, swimming is not taught in school. If your school district has an indoor or outdoor swimming pool, it could be taught as a course elective.
VACATION
Black
Love
Matters:
When considering a vacation, water is always a top priority. For some families, learning how to swim became mandatory if their kids were going to be around water.
they understand where the pool begins to deepen before allowing them in the water.
FEAR FACTOR
Many black parents are not teaching their children to swim. Some might assume the fundamental reasons would be lack of money for swimming lessons or living in areas where there are no pools, but the reality is more complex.
A fear of drowning is the primary reason many people avoid learning to swim or simply interact with water. The other reason is history. In some cases, “My parents didn’t swim, therefore, I can’t, and I didn’t teach my children how to swim.” That cycle needs to end with everyone in the family getting swim lessons.
“Because I have four kids, I knew that if we were going to be in a pool that all four kids needed to be able to swim,” Brian, from Warrensville, said. “There was no way I would be able to save one or all of them if something happened, so we enrolled them in swim lessons,” he explained.
Authentic Men’s Voices on Marriages and Romantic Relationships does a deep dive into understanding how Black men approach life, women, and their own emotions when it comes to finding love.
If you are going to consider including water in your next vacation, it’s a good idea to use float vests or support devices that help keep people afloat. Constant monitoring is always necessary if you have any children in the water. Lastly, have children who cannot swim stay in the shallow end of the pool and make sure
The YMCA offers swim lessons that teach the basics of swimming for the entire family, from young children to adults.
WATER FOR THERAPY
Let’s discuss the wide-ranging ways water can provide a serene environment for those who need to recharge their mental and emotional batteries.
Water has always been a calming way to reduce stress. For
those that would like the opportunity for a cost-effective way to relax, water provides an abundance of relief from the everyday cycle of the way we tend to live: work/kids/bills/life.
Cleveland offers several beaches and waterfronts that are excellent for taking a dip or sitting near water. If you prefer something a little cleaner and safer, there are pools all over Northeast Ohio, so check out each community’s pool hours and enjoy.
Hot tubs offer another excellent way to relax and calm the mind. This option might be more difficult to find because there is no public access to a hot tub unless you check into a hotel that offers this as an option. There are, however, fitness centers that have hot tubs included in their membership.
If you still feel like being up to your neck in water is too much for you, there are other ways to engage with water for therapeutic healing and relaxation.
HYDROTHERAPY
Hydrotherapy includes such therapeutic treatments as saunas, steam baths, foot baths, contrast therapy, sitz baths, and colonic cleansing. These options allow you to interact with
water on a more intimate level. Steam baths and saunas offer relaxing, cleansing, and healing options where you can chill and allow the heat from the water to penetrate your skin for better hydration. These treatments also are good for joint pain and finally giving you an overall feeling of heath because they can help lower blood sugar levels, prevent constipation, increase circulation, supply more oxygen to the tissues and cause sweating, which helps to remove toxins from the body.
If getting into water just isn’t your thing, listening to a water fountain can be very relaxing. There are hundreds of fountains available for the home or office that can help create a more serene atmosphere. Or just listening to a recording of a water fountain, running brook, or waterfall can help you shed built-up stress and help you sleep.
Whatever way you decide to introduce more water into your life, CODE M Magazine wishes you a very safe and healthy summer.
Black parents must make it a priority to teach their children how to swim.
MAN CODES: QUOTES BY PEOPLE OF DISTINCTION
Compiled by Bilal S. Akram
“Being a swimmer and spending time in the water does not make you a fish.” - African Proverb
“Sun is shining. Weather is sweet. Make you wanna move your dancing feet.” - Bob Marley
“This life is like a swimming pool. You dive into the water, but you can't see how deep it is. “
- Dennis Rodman
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.” - James Dent
“If there is a dream or a goal that you want you have to go for it 100%. Give all you have for the goals that you have.” – Alia Atkinson
“Human nature is like water. It takes the shape of its container.” ― Wallace Stevens
“When the sun is shining I can do anything; no mountain is too high, no trouble is too difficult to overcome.” Wilma Rudolph
“We forget that the water cycle and the life cycle are one.” Jacques Yves Cousteau
“In one drop of water are found all the secrets of all the oceans; in one aspect of you are found all the aspects of existence.” ― Kahlil Gibran
“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” John Lubbock
“Thousands have lived without love, not one without water.” W. H. Auden
"Friends, sun, sand, and sea, that sounds like a summer to me." Unknown
“I believe that water is the closest thing to a god we have here on Earth. We are in awe of its power and
majestic beauty. We are drawn to it as if it’s a magical, healing force. We gestate in water, are made of water, and need to drink water to live. We are living in water.”― Alex Z. Moores
Revelation 21:6 (NIV) He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.”
Dennis Rodman.
THE
AGREEMENTS
A magical book about creating a stressfree life filled with personal growth.
Tby Brad Bowling
he recent CDC guideline of not having to wear a mask has only added to what some might consider a stress-filled existence. The pandemic brought with it family concerns and has created a new kind of worry for some people. That worry can be compounded when there is no outlet or apparent solution in place.
The book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom might be the perfect solution for those seeking an alternative to worry and anxiety. The book offers four simple principles to live by to reduce stress and simplify your lifestyle. For those who find it too literal, it is recommended you use what you can from the book and consider the rest advice.
For those who need to reset their focus and regain some direction for personal growth, this book can be a guide for doing just that. The Four Agreements offers lessons on life, patience, and persistence. The book offers readers a chance to create boundaries for how they live and interact with the world. These new boundaries will reshape the mind and refocus the heart.
If there is any downside to the book, it’s that some people might take the book’s directions too literally. That could lead to extreme behavior and make one’s decision-making worse. If you determine that what the book recommends is in alignment with your own beliefs, you should find the book helpful.
Here are the Four Agreements and how to interpret them.
Agreement 1: Be Impeccable with Your Word
What this means: Agreement 1 highlights avoiding gossip, empty promises, lies, and the ways we cause harm with our own words. The first
agreement expresses a goal of only saying what we mean and to understand the damage we cause others when we are not careful with what we say. The goal is to leave people in a better position than when we found them.
Sometimes we do not realize the power we have with just words. From 2016 to 2020 the political climate was based on people speaking carelessly, without compassion, and aggressively. This made some people’s anxiety level skyrocket and it made others self-isolate. This book can help return a sense of balance and connection.
Agreement 2: Do Not Take Anything Personally
What This Means: Living in a world filled with cancel culture and to not take what someone says personally can be tough. Agreement 2 deals with the understanding that other people’s actions are a reflection of them only. We cannot let another’s opinion be the reason we feel bad about ourselves.
The book goes on the explain that everyone has bias because no opinion is truly objective. Our experiences shape our beliefs and therefore our opinions. Agreement 2 wants us to be aware that all advice is not good advice, and any advice must be tempered with the understanding that how people view themselves is how they will view the world. Take their advice with a grain of salt.
Agreement 2 also suggests that we should not take ourselves so seriously. We need to learn to become less reactive, reduce our defensiveness, not be as retaliatory, and to work to maintain a healthy balance in our lives. Developing these patterns will reduce negativity in our lives and help us create a more positive outcome.
Agreement 3: Do Not Make Assumptions
What This Means: A lot of stress can be created when we assume we know what other people are thinking without checking in with them. Understanding that other people might have different motivations for their actions, even drastically varying worldviews from ours, and remembering to really try to understand others and discuss these motivations before jumping to conclusions about their behavior, can go a long way toward preventing interpersonal conflict.
Taking this advice to an extreme may cause us to ignore our intuition about people or common sense about someone’s behavior that is personally damaging to us. It can also open us up to manipulation if we train ourselves to believe someone’s explanation of negative behavior rather than judging the behavior on its own. For instance, an example of this in action could be not believing we are being cheated on if our partner is exhibiting erratic behavior and showing classic signs of infidelity, but he or she vehemently denies wrongdoing.
Agreement 4: Always Do Your Best
What This Means: Ruiz wants readers to know that doing their best is what is expected after they finish reading this book. Doing and giving our best effort is the real goal. There are some days that we are going to do better than others. But the effort is what is expected of us. If we put our all into everything, we will be able to sleep better at night and will know that we did everything we could. There should be nothing to be ashamed of or regret.
Doing our best also means making good decisions. It takes so long to recover from a bad decision. So, we need to take our time and make sure we make good decisions. That policy will allow us to put forth the correct amount of effort, because we made a good decision.
The Agreements should not be over-thought. Take the information you can use and realize that we are all different. Focusing on all four Agreements can make a huge difference in your life. If followed, these suggestions can help you with stress, anxiety, and the potential overall feeling that the pandemic has reduced your life to anxiety, stress, and worry. There is an answer, in fact many answers. The Four Agreements are four deeply integrous solutions that will take you far in life while bringing you a renewed sense of balance, peace, and wellbeing.●
LET’S BE HONEST
Written by Armon R. Perry, PhD
Armon R. Perry, PhD, is a professor in the Kent School of Social Work at the University of Louisville. He can be reached at arperr01@louisville.edu or 502-852-3234. To order a copy of Black Love Matters, click here. https://rowman.com/ ISBN/9781793622044/Black-Love-Matters-Authentic-Men'sVoices-on-Marriages-and-Romantic-Relationships
Relationships based in trust offer the opportunity to be honest when it comes to delivering sensitive information. The couples that achieve this status have a better chance of staying together.
In our formative years, many of us were taught that honesty is the best policy. In fact, I’ll never forget the time my grandmother told me that one of the benefits of telling the truth was that you never had to remember what you said. And although there is certainly value in telling the truth and being a person whose word is their bond, is telling the truth always the best idea? And perhaps more importantly, are there times and circumstances that keeping it less than 100 is a more advisable approach?
In my recently published book, Black Love Matters: Authentic Men’s Voices on Marriage and Romantic Relationships, we explore the virtues of truth telling. As you might imagine, in most cases the men I interviewed agreed that being honest with their partners was usually a good idea and a philosophy that they subscribed to. However, many of the men shared that they had experiences in which actually telling the truth and being completely transparent did not end well and instead had long-lasting negative effects that damaged their relationships.
In these cases, this was more than a little white lie in response to a leading question like the age old, “How do I look in this dress?” Rather, these were more serious situations such as men attempting to be direct about whether or not they either were or envisioned being in an exclusive dating relationship. To be specific, several of the men talked about dating women casually and how they were up front about not wanting a serious or committed relationship.
In other cases where the men were involved in a committed romantic relationship, answering honestly about whether the intensity of their feelings
matched those of their romantic partners led to some miscommunications, heated exchanges, hurt feelings, and sometimes even a breakup.
When this happened, the men were left feeling confused and disillusioned. If honesty was the best policy, why was telling the truth something that landed them in hot water? Was the take-home message that it was better to tell their partner what they thought they wanted to hear? In the future, should the men communicate in a manner that was less forthcoming or an outright lie to avoid uncomfortable discussions that might turn confrontational or argumentative? If so, what did this mean for the viability of the relationship going forward? Was having a surface level, but safer relationship more desirable than one that had depth but was riskier? These were the questions that several men found themselves pondering.
If it’s true that most people value honesty in relationships, why is telling the truth so complicated at times? Just like the men I interviewed, on numerous occasions, I have been involved in what were otherwise benign conversations that went sideways because I was too open. In the aftermath, I have found myself thinking that lying, saying less, or nothing at all would have been a more prudent approach. Given my propensity for taking the path of least resistance, this is indeed a strategy I have employed from time to time over the years.
Of course, I recognize that lying or avoiding difficult conversations is not a long-term solution if the goal is to have a healthy and sustainable relationship. However, if the truth is something we value and expect from our partners, I firmly believe we also have an obligation to create and cultivate an atmosphere that fosters openness, honesty, and transparency.
As with any living organism, romantic relationships need supportive environments to facilitate their incubation. If they are expected to grow and evolve, they need to be nurtured in such a way that their roots can become strong enough to withstand adverse conditions. To manifest this in your relationship, I offer the following advice:
safe enough to be honest.
• Be sure to not use being honest as an excuse to be excessively or unnecessarily harsh, crass, or critical of your partner.
• Assess whether or not you encourage your partner to be truthful with you. This includes listening atten-
associated with being truthful should be appreciated and received as the fertilizer that nourishes our relationships and ensures they continue to bloom for years to come.
Armon
R. Perry, Ph.D., is professor in the Kent School of Social Work at the
If it’s true that most people value honesty in relationships, why is telling the truth so complicated at times?
• Take time to reflect on whether you trust your partner enough to tell them the truth, even when it is uncomfortable or difficult.
• Examine your partner’s response to being told uncomfortable or difficult truths and engage them in discussions about what you need from them to feel
tively to their needs and assessing whether you have worked to create an environment that facilitates honesty.
Simply put, choosing to tell the truth should not result in one being left out in the cold. Instead, the vulnerability
University of Louisville. He can be reached at arperr01@louisville.edu or 502-852-3234. To order a copy of Black Love Matters, click here. Use the code LEX30AUTH20 at checkout for a 30% discount.
HOT FUN IN THE SUMMER
Enjoy better summer swim trunks that showcase your fashion sense and body!
by Anthony Kirby
Finally, we can get back to vacationing, family outings, and BBQs and summer wouldn’t be summer without going somewhere that has sandy beaches. With most of the restrictions lifted, we can engage in jumping into some cooling water on those hot, humid, and hazy summer days to come.
But first before you head out the door for your vacation, you might want to check to make sure that pandemic weight you gained or lost you can still fit into your swim trunks. You may want to toss those and do an upgrade. Thankfully, there are a lot of options to choose from. You don’t have to have “The Rock,” aka Dwayne Johnson, body to look good. It’s all about being comfortable in your skin and choosing the type of trunks that speak to your taste.
Here are some things to consider when making your decision about swim trunks:
• Length does matter. The ideal length would be about two inches above your knee. The trend is that trunks have become more multipurpose. Styles have become more like wearing everyday shorts, which
Riviera Recycled
Trunks
www.chubbiesports. com
$64.00
can be worn around poolside, seaside, in restaurants and around town, and even when traveling.
• Fabrication: trunks are treated for fast-dry and lightweight fabric. The majority of swimsuits come in nylon, which is quite durable and dries quickly.
• Patterned swim trunks can run the gamut from bold to classic. Have fun in your selection of trunks: florals, deco prints, or neon solids. No worries, you won’t offend the fish in the water.
• Drawstring vs. elastic waistband. I would recommend either one since they both adjust to your waist size if your waist tends to fluctuate. Most brands tend to be sized XS to 3X.
• Pockets are always a good feature to have on swim trunks. There are some that allow you to carry your cell phone in a waterproof cell pouch, as well as your keys. The models can come with back, side, or cargo pockets.
Nowadays, swim trunks have become a diverse market with options for every activity and style. Take note that wearing a Speedo is the ultimate in confidence if you have the personality to match. So, don’t limit your creative style when choosing a pair. We’ve longed for summer after a cold winter season.
