Second Marriages: How to Protect your Children and Deal With Your Ex

By C.L. Blackburn Staff Editor

Divorces happen for reasons, and most are based on irreconcilable differences. But the divorce is between the spouses not between the children. Relations are often fragile and yet the parents should come together in partnership to harness how to continue parenting for the good of their children and their best welfare. Parents must establish their joint responsibility and their individual responsibilities for their children and put them in a contract stating their agreement with the listed commitments in the continued raising of their children. Spouses who marry again must not assume that their new half has say so in the agreement less it become a liability. Further, if only one spouse remarries jealousy can be triggered leaving the single, divorced spouse a volatile uncooperative disruptive force. It is important that step-parents accept that they follow the lead of their new spouse in relation to their children. In the case of the step-parent who marries a widower, the widower must be very transparent with their children and new spouse. Of course, the age of the children makes a huge difference in how the children are informed. Here’s the deal, communication, communication, communication is the key. I know that you’re thinking, “that was a problem while we were married . . .”

Divorced parents must work at being respectful of one another’s time and schedules. You must work collaboratively together where your children are concerned. Working out vacations, arrangements for after school pickup, weekends and anything involving your children must be worked out between the two parents independent of the kids—no screaming or arguments in front of them or any other unattractive behavior. That includes never saying something bad about you ex in front of the children. Listen, there’s no time for paranoia or suspicion toward your spouse unless it’s always been an issue. If it’s ‘a thing,’ then it needs to be a part of the legal consideration, like does your ex-spouse have to have guardian supervised meetings with your children? Clearly every situation is different, however professionals can provide a roadmap to assist you in your new role.

Make sure that your children understand what is happening. The worst thing you can do is lie. If there is a problem between mommy and daddy say so. Explain to your children about the circumstances that are causing you to separate and or divorce. You must make it clear to children of all ages that they are not the reason for your break-up. It’s imperative that they get that they have nothing to do with the split and establish that both parents will continue to be in their lives as parents.

At some point you may remarry. You must share this information with the ex and your children. Make sure that they are a part of the process. Introduce them to your new significant other. Spend time together and let the children familiarize themselves with the new person in their parent’s life, allowing them to establish their individual relationships with them. Don’t try to force anything. Most important, note that the new relationship may add a new person, it must not take anything away from your relationship with your children. Reassure your children that they will always be your children and that you will do nothing to lessen their relationship with their other parent or you. Reinforcing this message through action and deed can be one of the most important things you can do.

It’s wise to put in place regular communication meetings between you and your ex to discuss ‘all things’ children. Fortunately, in today’s culture, it’s not as difficult to keep a standing meeting because there’s Zoom meetings, Facetime and the phone, in addition to actual physi- cal meetings. The conversations should remain centered around the needs and well-being of your children. Focus on finding common ground and seek to resolve issues, concerns, etc., having to do with your children. In some cases, a family law attorney may draw up an agreement establishing boundaries for communication.

This may include co-parenting in relation to addressing specific communications provisions or restrictions. Healthy relationships between parents go a long way on your co-parenting journey. It’s important that your children witness and experience your mutual effort to raise them. So, striving for balance is a key factor in the consistency of the meeting, the frequency of the meetings as well as their duration. Each a play a significant role in the end goal.

Things change, yes! But it’s most important that as you blend families, your children’s needs are top priority. Separation of the parents is a big deal; therefore, the introduction of a marriage can be traumatizing if not handled with finesse and care to make sure your children are secure. This requires that those family traditions remain in tack, like birthdays, holidays, and camp outings and so on. You may even host joint celebrations with your ex-partner particularly birthdays.

And finally, you may customize solutions to protect your family. Things change all the time and if you need to sit at the table again with ex and the attorney to negotiate changes in your original agreements, be open. To protect your children, that may include a pre- or postnuptial agreement.