FRIENDEMIC

he mentioned playing tennis which I also love, so I asked him to play,” she says. “That day we also met a couple waiting to play tennis on our court, so we invited them to play doubles.”

Once the game wrapped, the crew went for drinks— and stayed in touch thanks to a WhatsApp group they created. “The four of us still hang out all of the time,” she says. She’d been feeling low about her social life, but this turnaround boosted her self-esteem. “I felt like I looked desperate by reaching out to people,” she says. “But then I told myself, if you don’t do anything about this situation, you will never make friends.”

Sometimes it takes an extra push, but Smith assures that it’s worth it in the end. “Feeling lonely and lacking friends is normal,” she says. “What is important is that if it is affecting you, you go do something about it. I promise that good things will come out of it.” ■

The pandemic put a strain on both our lifestyles, and on our social circles.

Covid took a toll on many things, not the least of which were some friendships. BY MYA FRASER

Jessica Ambrosio didn’t expect a global pandemic, but she also didn’t expect to lose her best friend while navigating the ways of the times. “During one of the most confusing and unforeseen times, it made me feel so lonely,” she says. “My person wasn’t my person anymore, and it happened so fast.”

Twenty-one-year old Ambrosio, a university student at UBC-Okanagan, had a conflict with one of her childhood best friends last year. And the reason? Covid. While romantic breakups are heart-wrenching, watching your best friend turn into a stranger is a different kind of pain and loss. Platonic relationships play a significant role in our lives too, yet no one talks about the hardships they can have on us. Due to their differences in the way they each handled Covid, they didn’t see each other for a long time, which resulted in a strain within their relationship. After an awkward rendezvous months later, they no longer speak. “Covid was still spreading lots, especially amongst young people going out,” says Ambrosio. “She didn’t care that we were advised to not go out much and to keep our circles small.”

And her friend was public about it too, posting on social media, and being careless about the number of contacts she had. “I needed to keep my circle small for the safety of those around me, and to contribute to stopping the spread of the virus,” says Ambrosio. “She didn’t care about having a bubble, so she was very social.”

When they met up, the conversation stemmed naturally toward Covid restrictions, and who was and wasn’t following the rules. “Once we did the small talk, it was pretty apparent we were about to address the elephant in the room.” Ambrosio told her friend that she felt they’d grown apart, and she agreed. Unable to understand one another’s side of things, it was apparent they would agree to disagree to leave things on a better note. “There were tears. It was awkward. We cared for one another, but our natural spark was gone, and you could sense that.”

Dr. Lori Walker, an instructor at Capilano University who specializes in interpersonal communications and conflict, shares just how important these platonic relationships are in our lives. “Friendships are essential!” she says. “We know this because the mechanisms for building and maintaining close relationships are baked into our bodies and brains.” She also points to evidence that connection to others is actually essential for our survival. “From the Harlow Monkey studies to studies on isolation, we know good relationships give us better health, both physical and mental.”

Ambrosio wasn’t the only one to lose friends throughout Covid. Findings from the May 2021 American Perspectives Survey state that almost 59 percent of young women, for one reason or another, have lost touch with at least a few friends, and 16 percent say they are no longer in regular contact with most of their friends.

“It’s important to resolve conflicts,” Walker emphasizes. “There is evidence that those who can’t resolve conflict have fewer opportunities in life, receive below-average service (including health care), and have less support when they need it the most.” While maintaining healthy relationships is important, how you deal with conflict when it arises matters too. The ability to resolve conflicts is part of development and having healthy relationships.

In Ambrosio’s case, she mentions she still feels sad about the outcome. “Do I miss our friendship? Sure,” she says. “Do I know we don’t get on the same way anymore though? Even more so.” She addressed how the overall experience felt fitting despite any feelings that are still arising. “Overall, it showed me what my values are and how strongly I feel about them. I also got the chance to connect with other friends more, which was pleasant and very necessary.” ■

SPOTLIGHT

What was supposed to be a summer fling quickly turned into an obsessive nightmare. John Smith shares his story of how he became the victim of a female stalker. by CLARISSA NGUYEN SEEK HIDE &

JGenevieve St-Louis is an RCMP officer in the criminal harassment department, which handles harassing behaviour, including repeated following, communication with or watching of one’s home. Stalking, she says, is defined as when “someone is followed by another individual without their knowledge, and this can also be present online (social media),” she explains. “Following someone is being aware of their routine, what they like, the routes they take to go home/work/gym, etc.” It’s not always easy to see the signs at first. When Smith looks back on the relationship, he see the red flags now.

During the brief time they were dating,

Smith found his stalker to be possessive and overly attached. “She was concerned where to go for university, and this was before I broke up with her. She said, ‘Oh,

I’m going to move up to B.C., just to be with you.’” It seemed like a lot of commitment from someone he’d only been dating for few months. Smith felt suffocated, and the relationship felt very one-sided. She would constantly text him, even if he didn’t respond. He started to feel more like an emotional support animal than an actual boyfriend. Even though they only knew each other for a couple of months, “I was the only one who could really talk to her about everything, so I guess at a vulnerable point I was the only pillar to talk to.” Once they broke up, her behaviour became more intense. She began doing things to get his attention. Since they stopped talking daily, “She put unsavoury comments on my social media, probably to get my attention,” he says. When Smith posted that his pet rabbit had died, she wrote that it would be better served as her dinner rather than Smith just burying her—hurtful at a time when he was feeling the loss.

Smith also found that he had to be cautious about what he posted on social media, since he knew she’d be taking notes on what he was doing. “I announced on my Instagram I was going to UBC but never specified which [campus], because I was concerned about what she would do,” he says. “And then the year I got into UBC, she got into UBC Vancouver, and I went to UBC Okanagan. And I was like, damn, I dodged a bullet there.”

She asked for his address to send him letters while dating, and after the breakup she moved from the U.S. to B.C., and to Smith’s surprise he found out that she held on to his address. “She sent letters to me; I’ve seen that on her [Instagram] story that when she moved to B.C., she

John Smith was 16 when his family took a summer cruise to Asia. has been near my house.” And that’s when he met her. They flirted. They’d hang out during the day on the ship. She’d leave him notes in the mail slot of his cabin. It A year after their break-up, Smith has engaged in a new relationship. And while his stalker had been blocked from was fun, but it was never going to be more than a summer fling. his social media accounts, he recently

When the summer came to an end, he thought they’d be online unblocked her to know if he still had to be cautious when coming home from friends—he lived in Canada, and she lived in the States. They ended the Okanagan to visit his parents and up agreeing to try long-distance dating, but he quickly found that she new girlfriend. While he’s chosen not wasn’t his type. After they broke up, the two kept in touch, but Smith to go to the police and no longer feels threatened, he’s also learned to not be was concerned that she still had strong feelings. as open to letting strangers into his per-

While he didn’t know it at the time, Smith’s summer fling would sonal life. Hindsight is one thing, of course, but turn into a stalker. how can someone avoid getting involved with a stalker in the first place? St-Louis In her six-and-a-half years of policing, St-Louis often works with cases that involve men stalking women. (In her six-and-a-half years of policing, St-Louis has never has never dealt with a case of a male being dealt with a case of a male being stalked. “I believe that men do not report these incidents, mainly due to their pride and stalked. “I believe that men do not report these not to be seen as weak or labeled as a victim,” she says.) In her experience, people are often more trusting than they should incidents, mainly due to their pride and not to be, and have already given out details that are hard to take back (just as Smith did, when he gave out his home address). be seen as weak or labelled as a victim,” “When talking to someone, some of the red flags to look for would be, in my opinion, someone who is copying how you she says. talk, dress, eat, etc.” she says. “These are signs that they are infatuated with you.” And if you have a gut feeling, she says, you should trust it. “I feel like having some sort of a wall up and asking questions like ‘Why do you need to know this?’— I don’t think it’s a bad thing,” she says. If someone finds themselves the victim of a stalker, St-Louis offers a few steps to protect themselves. First, call the police serving your community and report the incident. “You can choose to have the matter documented only,” she says. “If you know the identity of your stalker, police can talk to this person on your behalf asking them to stop the behaviour, or charges could be laid for some type of criminal harassment.” St-Louis finds it very helpful to make a case file to keep records of all the offences that someone has done to you, rather than wait for a severe action that makes you act. “I believe it is important for anyone, no matter their gender, to report these incidents.” ■