Femmewise Cat part I

Communities are becoming acutely aware of the ripple effect domestic violence has. It starts behind closed doors. However, over time it seeps out into other peoples’ lives, flooding schools with dysfunctional children, cascading into the work place, onto the streets. The crime rate increases. There is depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, homelessness, social isolation and the list goes on, a king tide of problems. A counsellor explained to me that women who had spent most of their lives with violent partners were more likely to develop diseases such as cancer due to their bodies being in a continual state of stress. It was toxic.

Even in this quiet seaside town, with its shiny white yachts gliding across the harbour, there are hidden secrets. Submerged, battered ships. Most people pretend nothing is hiding there under the glassy surface. But the truth is inevitably dredged up. Some high profile people are perpetrators. And some high profile people are victims. Nobody wants their image of these people shattered. Nobody wants to know that the talented guitarist in their favourite band is a wife beater. Nobody wants to know their real estate agent suffers verbal abuse on a daily basis. Nobody wants to know their receptionist is sexually abused at least once a week. Some victims, when they speak out, are asked, “What did you do to provoke it?” And the silence continues.

Nobody wants to rock the boat.

The blokes continue to enjoy a beer together on a Friday after work, knowing that one of them is beating his girlfriend. Or the fans gather to watch their favourite local musician perform, knowing he subjects his wife and children to systematic abuse. And the real estate agent continues to inspect her properties, checking over happy households, with happy photographs of happy families propped upon mantles.

The picturesque coastal town carries on its daily business. Many people believe that if women like myself really wanted to leave abusive partners, we would. We are blamed for not leaving. It sounds easy enough, just grab a suitcase, and leave. Disappear. The reality is different. Often, victims are brainwashed into thinking they are worthless after long term systematic abuse. Their self-esteem is so low they can’t even think straight. Some are convinced they are crazy. They are more often than not, physically and mentally exhausted, completely broken down. The truth is often so awful to accept that many victims are in denial about the seriousness of the situation. Some women have nowhere to go. They have no financial support. Friends and family have given up on them. Personally, I didn’t feel I had a right to show my suffering to people, because part of me believed it was my own fault, for triggering his anger, for staying with him. I thought there must be something terribly wrong with me, that I was a ‘difficult’ woman. And then there are some victims who are too petrified to take a step out the door. They forgot what freedom looked like years ago.