Cacophony Book Reports by Cliff Paragua

CACOPHONY BOOK REPORTS

Self Published Clifford Anzo Paragua August 2020

FOREWORD: Some of the short articles in the CACOPHONY triology were based on a number of books that I have read in the course of this journey. Between the covers are five â&#x20AC;&#x153;book reportsâ&#x20AC;? that I have put together so that the reader can get a grasp of the messages that the authors wanted to convey in one continuous read. SMART MOVES, written by the tandem of Sam Deep and Lyle Syssman, is a book for managers, a list of things to do to work smarter. The book also deals with the roots of interpersonal conflict, a common everyday situation at home and at work. QUICK FIXES talks about beneficial habits that will improve our life circumstances. The book, published about twenty six years ago, was written by Marylou Hughes, a clinical social worker. EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES, subtitled Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry, was written by Dr. Albert J. Bernstein. It is about those who pretend to be regular people but are actually predatory beasts deep inside. It is not

our blood that they drain but our emotional energy. IT TAKES MORE THAN A CARROT AND A STICK gives concrete advice for working with a wide variety of irritating personalities we face at work everyday. Written by Wess Roberts and subtitled Practical Ways for Getting Along with People You Canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Avoid at Work, the book reveals the workings of fifteen easily recognizable character types together with insightful and useful methods of managing, tolerating and communicating with people we canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t avoid at work. MONEY DRUNK/MONEY SOBER: 90 DAYS TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM authors, Mark Bryan and Julia Cameron, say that many people have certain forms of addiction to money or to how they handle money matters. All of us should realize that it is very important to understand how we behave with respect to money. I hope I have done justice to the authors of the books. Clifford Anzo Paragua August 2020

BOOK I: SMART MOVES That’s the title of a book that has been in my “library” for quite sometime now, authored by Sam Deep and Lyle Sussman. It is actually a “Manager’s Book of Lists”, things to do to work smarter. One portion of the book deals with the roots of interpersonal conflict, a common everyday situation at home and at work. The authors have listed eleven items on the list. Very often, conflicts in an organization can be traced to “personalities”. A person differs with another based simply on how he or she feels about that person – bias and prejudice. Some people are quite nasty and stubborn. They go through life with a chip on their shoulder and they always seem to be looking for trouble. Naghahanap lagi ng katalo. Others easily feel attacked by criticism and their sensitivity or hurt comes from low self-esteem, insecurity or even conflict in their own lives. Balat-sibuyas na, matampuhing unggoy pa. 1

Conflict also occurs where there is difference in values and perception, in the way we perceive the world. This in-congruence in our views can be traced to differences in our upbringing, culture, race, experience, education, occupation, socio-economic status, and other environmental factors. Differences over facts can also be a cause, especially if such “facts” cannot be documented or measured. For instance, if someone says, “It is a fact that you are insensitive to my feelings” – how can you argue with that “fact?” Differences over goals and priorities can also come into play in creating conflict. Another cause is differences in methods – there are many ways to kill a cat. Competition for scarce resources is surely a source of conflict, as competition for supremacy is. We usually want to outdo or outshine another person, even for promotion in the organization. Misunderstanding is often due to communication breakdown. This happens when a listener’s unwarranted inferences about a speaker’s intent lead to interpersonal 2

conflict. It pays to know all of these possible causes of interpersonal conflict so that we can step back and understand our own point of view when we deal with our friends or co-workers. The book is also very helpful to me as it gives some pointers on ten types of words to use carefully. Speakers and writers really need to take note of these types of words that are often used in everyday conversation, not only as embellishment. Take jargons, for example. This is the technical language of a profession which is of course confusing to those who don’t use it everyday. Have you noticed that many experts often find difficulty getting themselves understood by lay persons? Talk about writ of Amparo or habeas corpus to a street vendor! Euphemisms is another. The internal revenue people will say “revenue enhancement” instead of just saying “taxation” straight away. Euphemism has the effect of weakening the language as when we say “perspiration” instead of “sweat.” Idioms should be used very carefully because these are often peculiar to some 3

communities but not to others. The same can be said of slang words which are often not found in the dictionary. Profane, disrespectful language will usually be taken with offense, no matter how colorful such language may be. You may gain some impact but your listeners will not always like it. Office or company specific phrases are similar to jargon. Use them in the office and make sure that outsiders will understand such phrases or you will be branded as insensitive. There are words which are called red flag word. For instance, don’t refer to a woman as a “girl” – she will surely be offended. She will focus on that word and stop listening to what you are saying. Avoid vague or abstract language especially when giving instructions. “Please do it as soon as you can” – does not really say anything definite. It’s best to leave no doubts in the meaning of the word that we say. Mabuti na yong malinaw kaysa malabo’. Some people are in the habit of using overly complex words – “we wish to proscribe the superfluous display of one’s vocabulary” – 4

get’s mo ba? Finally, it is best to avoid clichés or worn-out expressions. Ok lang ang sabi ni Melanie, “Don’t judge my brother, he’s not a book!” Not everyone is a Melanie, of course. I have spoken in public so many times and I have been introduced so many times. The introductions are seldom to my liking and so here are some smart moves for giving a good introduction for a speaker. Rather than a resume’, it’s better to ask for a short three-paragraph biographical sketch of the person to be introduced. It will indicate what the speaker wants to be said about him or her. Of course, you can also ask permission to make minor additions or deletions depending on your own style. A short interview with the speaker is also very valuable. Ask the speaker some key questions like, “What event in your life has had the most profound effect on your career?” “Who is the person who has had the most profound impact on your life?” “What lifelong ambitions have you yet to achieve?” Tell the audience why this particular speaker is standing in front of them – don’t leave them guessing. It is not enough to rattle off the speaker’s credentials, degrees, titles, 5

awards, etc. They need to know what expertise the speaker has on the topic. Why is the speaker uniquely qualified to have the floor? When introducing a speaker, smile, be upbeat and animated. Always sound as though you are excited about the speaker’s presence and you can’t wait to hear the speaker talk. Help the speaker build instant rapport with the audience by showing the speaker as a living, breathing, compassionate and even vulnerable person. Of course, be careful not to offend or embarrass the speaker when you share something of the speaker. Remember not to steal the speaker’s thunder – introduce the speaker, not the topic. Find out if the speaker will want you to say anything about the topic beyond the title, otherwise you may compromise the entire speech! Worst of all, don’t ever say – “Our speaker needs no introduction.” Kung ganoon pala, umupo ka na at tumahimik! Say the speaker’s name before anything else. This is a bit surprising as we often reserve the last part for the name! Although this is not a hard and fast rule, you will notice that the 6

rest of the introduction will flow effortlessly after the speaker’s name is given. I will follow these tips when it’s my turn to introduce someone. I mentioned that I have spoken in public so many times and I can say that, by now, I have gained a large measure of confidence in front of any audience, local or foreign. Practice really makes perfect. By the time I got my first job as a college instructor in 1971, I began speaking to an audience. When I became a division chief in 1977 and a director in 1986, the opportunities for public speaking multiplied tenfold. Nevertheless, here are some tips from the book that all of us can use to gain confidence as a public speaker. Whether we admit it or not, all public speakers experience some amount of “podium anxiety” or “stage fright” as it is more commonly called. I still have some of this, but I have learned a few tricks here and there to take care of my anxiety. Bear in mind that your audiences are rarely hostile, so don’t mind the little butterflies in 7

your stomach. I find it best to always think that I know the topic better than anyone in the audience. This always works for me, although such may not necessarily be true. It is also good to have a good feel of your audience. The more you know about your audience, the better. The more you know about your topic, the better. So prepare, prepare, prepare. I have found myself, on many occasions, being asked to speak before an audience without any preliminaries. No preparations. But stock knowledge has always saved my day. Mr. Siddiqui, my “ninong” in ILO Bangkok (in the old days) taught me how to make use of my “mango tree” during times like these. (More of this later.) Find a way to use reassuring notes, including your “choreography”, reminding yourself when to pause, when to emphasize an important point, when to make a gesture. If possible, find some time to familiarize yourself with the room, perhaps even the lectern. This may be the best place to practice your speech, if you can. Establish eye contact with some friendly 8

faces, especially those whom you know personally or those who communicate their support or agreement with you non-verbally. As much as possible, use natural humor, more than planned jokes that may fail. You are the easiest subject to get your audience to laugh spontaneously. However, if you want to tell a joke, be sure that it has neither ethnic nor sexist tones that can offend people. Remember, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take yourself too seriously by overestimating the importance of your speech in the scheme of things. Relax lang! Earlier, I wrote about upward delegation, something which some middle managers resort to when they have not acquired a certain level of self-confidence. While managers normally frown at upward delegation, there are actually practical benefits to management in increasing upward communication. Very often, only the good news reaches the boss. However, we must tell our employees that the only bad news is the news that is not communicated upward. Managers should also practice MBWA â&#x20AC;&#x201C; management by walking around. When you do 9

this, just ask questions and listen. Don’t talk too much. Declare an “open-door” policy and follow it so that employees know that they can come and see you if they have any concern. But don’t “kill” the bearer of bad news by reacting violently. If possible, arrange for periodic informal gatherings, like those that we call “team-building.” These are times when people can be more open and tell us things that they would not say in the office. Solicit regular status reports during staff meetings but don’t be too judgmental about these reports. Of course, people will appreciate you if you can laugh at yourself and even at your mistakes. It always works if you apologize if you’ve done something to hurt an employee. To be more human is to be more approachable.

BOOK II: QUICK FIXES It is not supposed to be a permanent remedy to some personality malady but if a quick fix is put to use time and again, it becomes a beneficial habit that will improve our circumstances. The book which is entitled â&#x20AC;&#x153;Quick Fixesâ&#x20AC;?, was published some twenty six years ago by Crossroad Publishing Company of New York and written by Marylou Hughes, a clinical social worker. Seven problem areas are dealt with in the more than 200 pages book, including anxiety, worry, stress, shyness, lack of self-confidence, jealousy and anger. The author stresses that a quick fix is a band-aid approach and real cures take more time and more pain to connect to the emotional trauma and get out of it psychologically whole. The book provides many instant and easy activities that can make us feel better and bring relief. Some quick fixes are deceptively simple, but these can effectively lead to feelings of well-being. I am certain that at one time or another all of us would go through one or several of the problem areas listed above. 11

So let’s begin to understand the problems and consider some examples of possible quick fixes. Anxiety is a normal reaction to risks and to similar situations where we put ourselves on the line. For instance, we get nervous when we perform publicly, or meet our big bosses, or forced to get the videoke microphone and the songbook. Our reactions may range from mild discomfort to a full-blown physical reaction that make us think that we are about to die. Our usual experience with tense situations would involve things like sweating of the hands, body chills, internal shaking, rapid heartbeat or even temporary amnesia. Others would experience more severe symptoms – inability to breathe, feeling of a coming heart attack, head about to explode or simply going crazy. These are some quick fixes for the anxious you – read a good book, write about how you feel or just any story, watch TV, play a game, especially those that require good eye-hand coordination. Also talking to another person is an effective anxiety reducer.

You will find out that people are generally not concerned about your problem because they are too busy thinking about themselves. Then you will no longer notice your problem because you become busy thinking about others. Let’s finish quickly now and get some more next issue. After dealing with anxiety, let us now deal with our favorite – stress. It is not surprising to know that our body tells us when we are experiencing stress. We experience physical, chemical and mental reactions to situations that frighten, excite, irritate, confuse or endanger us. This may be news to all of us – stress is a part of our life – it is not possible to lead a stress-free life! Our bodies are designed to respond to stimulation every minute of the day. In fact, we respond to a perceived emergency even if a real emergency does not exist. Here’s what happens in the first six to ten seconds when we think we are faced with an emergency – the eyes dilate, muscle tension increases, blood stops flowing to the hands and feet and collects in the muscles for running and fighting, the jaws clench, the heart rate, blood 13

pressure, skin temperature, sweat glands and gastrointestinal activity all increase. This is how the body prepares for action and we become stimulated and responsive. The problem starts when stress is not relieved and feeling constant stress is what makes us sick â&#x20AC;&#x201C; and we may develop hypertension, indigestion, ulcers, backache, heart disease, headache or emotional upset. Take your pick. We can do many kinds of exercises to relieve stress â&#x20AC;&#x201C; for the neck and shoulders, for the face, for the hands and arms, for the stomach, for the eyes â&#x20AC;&#x201C; for just about any part of the body. There are also many ways to prevent stress in our work like starting on time, setting priorities, scheduling breaks and fun times. It is always good to get up early enough so that we are not rushed. Always bear in mind that we are not responsible for everything. It is always a good idea to seek and get help. Needless to say, we should try to avoid people who annoy us. At this time and age, always be prepared to wait, so bring along something that will help

you make use of your time while waiting like a good book, a PDA or even a laptop. There is no substitute for planning for stressful situations which are plentiful during our lifetime â&#x20AC;&#x201C; graduation, marriage, birth of a child, death of a loved one - or the more common money problems, car breakdown and sickness. We know that these things will happen whether we like it or not. So let us be prepared. Let us be like boy scouts or girl scouts. Given the unusual circumstances where I often find myself, maybe itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a good time to talk about quick fixes to address worry. Whether you have a case or not, you are bound to worry because everyone does worry at one time or another. The big difference lies in the way we worry. If you are a person who worries with no purpose at all, then you are simply wasting energy, causing your body to tense, giving you a feeling of helplessness, and ultimately disrupting your life. So, why worry? Di ba? Worrying will not solve your problem.

If there is something to worry about, let it simmer. Hintayin mong ma-inin, parang kanin. You will find out that many problems sometimes solve themselves. Some turn out not to be problems at all. Or let the people who own the problem do the worrying. I had asked myself – how will worrying help my situation? Parang wala namang naitutulong. Am I worrying in order to avoid something? I really don’t know. Will worrying change anything? Mukhang hindi rin. Worrying will not even make something good happen, or make things better or worse. So why worry, talaga. Then I confronted myself with the question – what is the worse that can happen? When I visualized the answer and prepared myself for this, then that should be the end of my worry. Of course, I know that doing something worthwhile will ward off worry. So, worrying it is. But there are other quick fixes. If you are faced with a situation, think about it rather than worry about it. If you can’t do anything about it, let it go. Write it off but

learn from it. It is experience, so it can teach you something. Stop worrying and make a decision. After the decision, do not keep worrying. If you cannot make up your mind, flip a coin – tao o ibon? If the coin comes up tails and you don’t like it, chances are you really wanted the other option. Sabi nila, there is nothing inherently better about taking longer to make a decision. So get your coin and decide. Don’t fight change. Having a case is definitely change – and I don’t intend to make my life miserable just because of this sudden change. I can bet my life on it. Here are other forms of self-medication, both for worry and stress. Did you know that you can schedule worry, instead of experiencing continuing and free-floating anxiety? Setting aside a time that you can fully devote to your worries can help you put them under control. In fact, it becomes easier when you can write down what is worrying you. This will help you concentrate on your worries and keep track of them. 17

You can also set a specific time and place to worry, including the length of time that you must devote to this task. Not in your favorite place, of course, and definitely not before bedtime. To deal with stressful encounters with people, practice sane socializing. Siyempre, avoid people you do not like and go with those that you do like. Be polite, but steer away from people who make you uncomfortable. Dapat lang naman, di ba? Do you have any problem with self-confidence? People who have self confidence have it because they do what they do very well. They feel good about themselves and they are respected. On the other hand, cocky people and egotists are turn-offs. They think too much of themselves. They are not really self- confident; rather, they are self-centered. Self-centered people have not really learned to accept themselves. They overdo their sales pitch as they try to gain acceptance and approval from others. a

If you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have self-confidence, you have tendency towards bragging, jealousy, 18

possessiveness and prejudice. You do what you do for the favor of others. You hate to admit mistakes, fear criticism and are driven to succeed. However, you do not feel satisfaction in your success. You feel unable to get what you want. If you find yourself in this kind of situation, try to know yourself better by defining your real problem. Observe yourself and keep notes for at least a week. Write down situations where you feel competent doing things and where you feel you are not. Figure out why you feel confident in certain situations. What is there in such situations that make you confident? What is there in other situations that don’t make you feel good? Having no self-confidence situational, but not always.

often

Remember there’s a whale of a difference between people who are self-confident and those who are self-centered. Self-centered people are not self-confident. Believe this – people who have self-confidence like themselves, and, you guessed it, people who are self-centered like 19

only themselves. Di tiyak if others like them too, di ba? So you have to learn to like yourself even though others may not like you. Ganoon lang talaga ang buhay. Don’t expect everyone to like you, but it’s really tragic if you don’t even like yourself. Being liked depends on many factors over which we have very little control. There is one factor though which you can fully control – how you feel about yourself. You have to take responsibility for doing what needs to be done to like yourself. Understand that self-confidence is internal and not something which depends on external factors. Walang pinag-kaiba sa happiness. You cannot find it anywhere else except within you. Determine what you like about yourself. List them down and add to the list as often as there is something to add, including those things that you did which made you feel good. Do it now. You don’t really have to excel in anything to have self-confidence, but it helps if you do.

Doing a good job is self-satisfying. It gives us self-confidence and an eagerness to be in a place where we feel good about what we do and about ourselves. It is said that one day does not make a summer, like there is no “always”, there are no “nevers.” It is wrong to say that you don’t do anything right or you always make a mess of things. An unsuccessful occurrence is not an indication of a pattern of failure. If you have learned to appreciate your fine qualities, remember that you are not perfect. Accept yourself, including all your blemishes. Accept your imperfections as endearing, enjoyable, human and part of the package that is you. Learn to take care of your needs. Bear in mind that only you can know what you need and can go about fulfilling your needs. If you expect others to identify your needs and take care of you, it’s going to be a frustrating wait. Nobody knows what you need. You can be the self-confident person you want to be if you can do what the parent that you always wanted to have does.

Give yourself unconditional love. You may not like some things about yourself but you have to love yourself, no matter what. It’s not being vain. It’s just that you are the one person in your life that you have to live with. Accept yourself unconditionally. Give yourself praise and encouragement. When you do something you like, let yourself know it. Let it stick in your consciousness so that your self-respect goes to a high gear. Set rules so that you avoid certain behaviors or actions that get you into trouble. Rather than “do not” rules, adopt “do” rules that instill in you a healthy and self-confident life. Teach yourself skills through self-help or how-to books, by watching others or getting training. Be able. Be independent. Learn social skills, the rules of social interaction which are based on consideration, kindness and interest in others. Jealousy and envy are cousins. In fact these words are often used interchangeably. Both have negative connotations and are often associated with discomfort or uncomfortable

emotions. They are actually symptoms of poor self-esteem. They are also based on unrealistic thinking. There are realities that we need to consider when we feel jealous or envious. Only you can make yourself happy. No one else can bring you happiness. Although you may feel happier with certain people, your happiness does not really depend on their presence. What one person does or does not do will not ensure your happiness. People do things for themselves, not so much against you. If they show interest in someone else they are not doing anything to harm you. All persons can and do love more than one person, but love can mean differently to different people. Besides, you cannot always be number one. If someone loves you completely, you will not get all the attention all of the time. Realize that love is boundless. There is more than enough to go around. Also, it is a fact of life that no one does everything well. When someone speaks eloquently, it doesn’t mean that you are a lesser person if you can’t. It’s called individual differences. 23

BOOK III: EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES He was excited when he showed me his copy, perhaps having in mind that my avocation is the study of human behavior. My colleague had the book with him with the title “Emotional Vampires” and subtitled “Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry.” That same night I visited my favorite book shop and got my own copy which came with a steep price. I had to use my credit card as cash was hard to come by on that day. The book is not about people who rise from coffins at night. Rather, they are around us, even in broad daylight, in our offices and in the warm lights of our home. They pretend to be regular people until their internal needs change them into predatory beasts. It is not our blood that they drain but our emotional energy. Emotional vampires are true creatures of darkness who have the power to aggravate us. They can cloud our minds with false promises until we get tangled in their spell.

Dr. Albert J. Bernstein, author of the book, says: “They are the neighbors who are so warm and cordial to your face, but spread stories behind your back.” Sounds familiar? They are the star players in your sports team until a call goes against them and they throw tantrums like a three-year old. Emotional vampires also work in our offices. Often they are highly-paid managerial types who are often involved in politics and petty intrigues that they don’t have time to do their jobs. Dr. Bernstein also says that emotional vampires may even run companies or organizations. They are bosses who often give lectures about empowerment and positive reinforcement, then threatens to fire people for the tiniest mistakes. May kilala ba kayo? Maalala ko yong sinabi ni Francois de La Rochefoucauld: “We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.” Humarap ka sa salamin, and see whether you have vampire fangs. Malamang di mo makikita, but you may belong to any of the categories of vampires described by Dr. Bernstein in his book. But that is another story to be dealt with later. 25

He must be tossing and rumbling in his grave by now, because I have mistakenly made him the author of the book “Emotional Vampires”. I have no doubt that the father of the theory of relativity, Nobel Prize physicist Albert Einstein, did not really dwell on things like vampires, especially of the emotional kind. The real author of the book is Dr. Albert Bernstein, and as you can see, he is Albert Einstein’s namesake, at magkatunog pa ang mga pangalan nila. My mind must have wandered while writing the piece, and even when I went through it again after printing. Another colleague liked the article, saying that it “gave a label to office creatures with human face who wreak havoc to our day-to-day existence.” Dagdag pa niya, “by giving a name to the source of our pent-up emotions, we can ease the intensity of our feelings.” Indeed, emotional vampires are people who have personality disorders. Sabi ni Dr. Bernstein, people who drive themselves crazy have neuroses or psychosis. Ok lang sila. But people who drive other people crazy have personality disorders. Bahala ka nang kumilatis kung alin ka diyan sa dalawa. Baka sa pangatlo ka. 26

As defined, a personality disorder is “an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual’s culture.” This pattern of behavior can be manifested in two or more of the following: how we perceive and interpret ourselves, other people and events; range, intensity and appropriateness of our emotional response; interpersonal functioning; and our impulse control. Emotional vampires see the world quite differently than other people do. Their views are clouded by their craving for immature and unattainable goals. Sabi pa ni Dr. Bernstein, “They want everybody’s complete and exclusive attention. They expect perfect love that gives but never demands anything in return. They want lives filled with fun and excitement, and to have someone else take care of anything that’s boring or difficult.” Sounds family? There are five types of vampires: the antisocial, the histrionic, the narcissistic, the obsessive-compulsive and the paranoid. They all have characteristics that people may find very attractive. Kaya dapat mag-ingat sila sa iyo! Don’t crack your brain trying to classify 27

yourself now. We can do that later when we describe each type. Baka naman iba ka! Now that we know what emotional vampires are and what havoc they wreak into our life, we can proceed to know them better and find out if we can identify some of them in our midst. The first type is the antisocial vampire who is the simplest but also the most dangerous vampire of them all. These are people who want nothing else out of life except a good time, a piece of action, and immediate gratification of their every desire. As long as they can use you to attain these objectives, they will charm you, seduce you and excite you no end. But if you stand in their way, you better watch out. Kakainin ka nang buhay! These are people who have the tendency towards antisocial personality disorder, that is, they do not heed normal social constraints or norms. They act as if they were in their early teens, often heavy in drugs, sex and even rock â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; role. The worst thing is that although antisocial vampires like to be around people and love 28

parties, they have difficulty making any commitment because they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really trust anybody. Dr. Bernstein has included a checklist in his book to allow us to identify antisocial vampires before they suck us dry. They usually act on the belief that rules were made to be broken. They can be very charming to get their way and they seldom show any signs of worry in things that they do. In fact, they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see any problem about lying to achieve a goal. Kailangan humarap ka nang matagal sa salamin, para matugunan mo ang checklist. Like a spoiled brat, they can throw a tantrum to get what they want. Antisocial vampires even justify doing bad things to people in the belief that others would do the same if they had the chance. They often find themselves with legal problems. If you have identified someone who fits this checklist, it is best to get out of the way before you suffer from severe emotional drain and stress. Mabuti pa, just think about a message sent 29

by a friend. It is food for thought. Jesus and Satan were competing on the use of computers. They did Word, Powerpoint, Excel, email, chat, just about everything that can be done on the machine. Unfortunately while they were doing some spreadsheet, nag-brown out! As usual, nag-mura si Satanas - ?#@%&$X, brown-out na yan! But Jesus simply sighed. When power was restored, Jesus started to print everything that He did. Satan’s docs were all deleted. Sabi niya: You cheated! Again Jesus just smiled because He just did what Satan did not know how to do – JESUS SAVES! The second type is the histrionic vampire. Histrionic means dramatic. What you see is all a show, so you will definitely not get what you expect to get. You may just as well call them “plastic” vampires because that’s exactly what they are. They are the best in terms of polite conversation and they always make you feel interesting. They like to do small talk, and

most of all, a lot of gossip. Plastic na, mahilig pa sa tsismis! Histrionic vampires believe that they are always in front of a camera, so they are always acting. The trouble is that they often get lost in whatever role they happen to be playing. They can forget what they really feel, or worse, who they really are. We can only discern their true intentions by reading their body language, listening to the tone of their voice or their unintentionally revealing words. So we have to hear what is not being said. Histrionics do not hear the voice saying – “it’s who you are, not what you look like”. Their desire for attention and approval is so strong that they tend to show the part of them that they think people like. Rejection often unleashes a storm of emotions that will require long hours of reassurance to abate. They will treat you as if you were a close friend although you may simply be a superficial acquaintance. Parang close na close. Palagi pa nilang binabago ang style nila sa pananamit at pangkalahatang anyo. And they

usually stand out in a crowd based on their overall looks, dress or personality. They have very little memory for day-to-day details so they often have problems doing regular chores like paying bills, doing paperwork and housecleaning. If you encounter a histrionic vampire, don’t ever make the mistake of showing your anger because they will almost always beat you to the draw. Also, don’t ever make the mistake of explaining what they are to themselves. They are totally unaware of what they are doing and why they are doing it. Last warning: they are known to invite sexual harassment and the accompanying sexual harassment suits! And they are reputed to have the capability for “pang-Famas” performance on the witness stand. An antidote is to keep your mind open and your mouth shut. The third type is the Narcissistic vampire. The term comes from Narcissus, a young Greek lad who fell in love with his own reflection. Baliw? Narcissists have big egos, and they want to live out their fantasies of being the smartest, 32

most talented and all-around best people in the whole world. They are not actually in love with themselves, like Narcissus, but they are totally absorbed with themselves. They are fully occupied with their own desires and they canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t pay attention to anything else. They hardly think of other people â&#x20AC;&#x201C; unless they need something. They are experts at showing off, especially to make the right impression. They pursue the symbols of wealth, status and power relentlessly. They love to talk about the things that they own, the things that they have done and the big people they hang out with. They often have fantasies of doing something great or being famous, so they usually expect others to treat them as if these fantasies have already come true. Also they easily become irritated when people do not automatically do what they expect them to do, even when they have good reasons for not complying. At seminars and meetings, Narcissistic vampires usually have their hands in the air and make comments to show everyone that they know as much and probably more than 33

other persons in the room. If you don’t get impressed, they will ignore you completely. There are people referred to as Narcissistic Superstars who believe that they are the most important people on earth. It is evident that to these superstars, whatever they are and whatever they have is never enough. They often achieve success in their dreams, but never satisfaction. Wala silang kasiyahan. Sabi ni Dr. Bernstein, Narcissistic Superstars seldom become beloved leaders. They don’t care about their followers so they don’t inspire trust and loyalty. To them, there are only two types of people: those who have something that they want, and those who don’t deserve to be noticed. They can “seldom resist the temptation to point out to little people how little they are”. Bampira talaga! Narcissistic vampires will never be able to follow a piece of wise advice: SIT ON YOUR EGO! The next type is the Obsessive-Compulsive vampire. These vampires are not the neurotics who manifest ritual repetition of behavior like frequent hand washing. Rather they are the type of people who are deathly afraid of doing anything wrong. 34

Also, for them, no mistake is insignificant and all the work is never done. They are workaholics and they have a hard time relaxing. They seldom give a simple yes or no answer. Obsessive-compulsive vampires always look neat and well organized. They never seem to throw anything away. Very often they require more space to keep and store useless things. You have to watch out because they resent people who are not as hardworking as they are. They are, of course, always unaware of such resentment. They often express anger by asking hostile questions that they consider as simple request for information. The great passion of obsessive-compulsive vampires is work. It is their pride, their joy, their obsession and their opium. It is the beginning and end of their existence. They can be trusted, though, because they keep their promises and they are honest to a fault. They are rigid people so they have a hard time with ambiguity, especially when morality is involved.

They are always preoccupied with details and they can be considered as perfectionists. Doing everything correctly eclipses the importance of the task itself or even the feelings of other people. Basta magawa nang maayos ang trabaho, wala silang pakialam sa iyo, may problema ka man o wala. Obsessive-compulsive vampires are angry much of the time. Anyone who doesn’t follow the same rules about work and morality that they do is subject to free-floating resentment. They frown at the laxity of others, often sighing, shaking their heads and muttering under their breath as they work. Although they always moralize, rationalize and keep and follow a pile of rules, they are actually bullies. They are always controlling, although they do not see themselves as such. They simply see themselves as doing the right things. May kilala ka ba na palaging siya ang tama, at laging ikaw ang mali? Kung wala pa ay ipakikila kita. Sabi ng vampire sa asawa: “Honey, if I don’t survive this operation, ikaw na ang bahala sa lahat, basta I Love You!”

Sagot ni misis: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Tumigil ka! Wala pang namatay sa TULI!â&#x20AC;? We have completed the types of emotional vampires, people who drain us dry. Have you identified what category of vampire you belong to? Or have you made up your mind that you are not a vampire? Ano ba ang sabi ng katabi mo? The antisocial vampires just want to have a good time, some action and immediate gratification of their every desire. The histrionic vampires like excitement, attention and above all approval and they will sing and dance their way into your heart. Narcissistic vampires believe that that universe revolves around them as they live out their fantasies of being the smartest, most talented and all-around best people on earth. The obsessive-compulsive vampires see their existence as a perpetual battle against the forces of chaos, being deathly afraid of doing anything wrong. Paranoid vampires see the confusing and uncertain details of life very clearly and they

drain us with endless probing of such uncertainties in our life. Ngayon, humarap ka sa salamin at tingnan mong mabuti kung alin ka diyan. Maaring di mo makikita, at di ka naman talagang vampire. Sana. To deal with vampires, we should always remember that we are in control. If we submit to their will, matutuyuan talaga tayo. Let us trust our old friends and hold tightly to our values. Let us not run scared but turn around and face our fears. Remember, garlics and crosses will not save us from these vampires. Our best defense is our knowledge about them, the maturity that we need to have and good judgment that we need to make. Sana nakatulong ang book na ito sa ating lahat.

BOOK IV: IT TAKES MORE THAN A CARROT AND A STICK I just started reading a book by Wess Roberts entitled “It Takes More Than a Carrot and a Stick” and subtitled “Practical Ways for Getting Along with People You Can’t Avoid at Work.” It is a book that gives concrete advice for working with a wide variety of irritating personalities we face at work everyday. It also reveals the workings of fifteen easily recognizable character types together with insightful and useful methods of managing, tolerating and communicating with people we can’t avoid at work. These may be good lessons for you, but they might as well be good lessons for others – because you might belong to any of the fifteen character types. The author says that it is easy to get along with our co-workers who are not out to destroy our self-esteem, crush our enthusiasm, or hinder us in any way. They treat us with respect and so we return this respect in kind. We don’t need no advice. 39

But we eventually work with inflexible and counterproductive people who lack the self-awareness or incentive to change. We don’t have to seek them out; they will find us. They impair our functioning, create distress in the workplace and present extraordinary challenges to our ability to get along with them. They may be our superiors, peers or subordinates. The more influential their position, the more detrimental their effect becomes. May kilala ka bang ganyang co-worker? Next issue we will look at the first few character types. Be ready to identify yourself! The book’s subtitle, Practical Ways for Getting Along with People You Can’t Avoid at Work, is very descriptive. Here is the first character type. Try to see if you fit the bill. Mr. Wess Roberts, the author, puts the Imperious Jerks first of the types, and describes them as domineering, overbearing and driven by a “grandiose sense of self-importance.” Madaling makilala, but if you have not met one, may mga ipakikilala ako sa iyo na tunay na tunay na IJ. 40

Imperious jerks are also conceited and arrogant authoritarians who consider themselves unique and extraordinarily capable achievers, with insatiable need for constant recognition. Ganyan talaga sila. Tandaan: You cannot change anybody. IJs are easily offended by the smallest slights. They are resentful of anyone who overshadows their limelight. They look like a sore thumb in a time when humility, congeniality and benevolence are desirable personal traits. Mr. Roberts says that as managers, imperious jerks are arrogant but they will listen or even yield to a different idea when such ideas can be used to their advantage. You see, they develop relationships based only on what other people can do for them. So if you want to â&#x20AC;&#x153;liveâ&#x20AC;? with imperious jerks, better make yourself useful to them. The second character type that you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with are the Empty Suits or the fashion models.

Mr. Wess Roberts, the author, describes the ES as “superficial and deceptive”, people who “rely on their social adeptness to thrive in the workplace.” The sad part is that they sometimes fool themselves into believing that they are what they are not. The illusions that they create about themselves tend to become their reality. ES people are high-strung, insincere, manipulative and good with words. Although they often lack technical ability, they can succeed at work just by sheer interpersonal skills and guile. Madaling makilala ang mga ES, because they don’t usually take strong positions on issues, always ready to compromise principles to please authority figures. Sounds familiar? Don’t expect them to look after your interest because they are always busy looking at their own. They survive in the workplace by persuading others to do work that they would rather not do for themselves. Superbasketbolista, magaling magpasa. Mr. Roberts says that as managers, empty suits make decisions largely on intuition, not on facts. Maraming tinatanong, they listen to 42

words we say and read our body language, look for signs of uncertainty and make decisions. Siyempre pa, they are willing to delegate responsibility, pero iba nang usapan ang authority. When results are good, accountable sila, but if results are bad, someone has to take the blame. Alin ka sa dalawa, IJ or ES? May mga susunod pa. The third character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with are the fiercely independent Lone Wolves or LW. Mr. Wess Roberts describes the LW as “impulsive and fearless”, people who “are self-assured mavericks driven by an extraordinary and constant need to prove themselves.” Lone wolves are basically non-conformists who like to do things their own way. They don’t want situations where their freedom to act is regulated or when they are placed under tight control. They are not self-centered, but they are individualists.

Teamwork is not their kind of game because they are not natural team players. However, they will take on seemingly impossible assignments and complete these quickly and proficiently, even better than a team of their peers. They can do this because of a strong independent instinct which compels them to march to the beat of self-reliance. Mr. Roberts says that as managers, lone wolves have no patience for average performers, preferring to drive them out of the organization rather take the time and effort to transform them into competent self-starters. Kaya kung sa tingin mo ay average performer ka, watch out for lone wolves. LWs have very little patience in meetings and they consider committee work as necessary evil only for their co-workers who do not have the competence or guts to make independent decisions. Have you identified character types are coming.

yourself?

The fourth character type that you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with are people who totally depend on 44

other peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s goodwill. They are called Androids because they are blindly obedient, mindless, compliant and insecure people pleasers. Mr. Wess Roberts, describes Androids as self-conscious, submissive worriers, unimaginative with despairing view of consequences if they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t please others. We need to be careful with Androids because they internalize their personal feelings and generally keep negative feelings about others unspoken. Baka bigla na lang sumabog. Android managers have difficulty motivating people, delegating responsibility or making decisions. More often, they stifle spontaneity, creativity, innovation and risk taking. Of course, Androids also have some plus side. They are always dutiful, follow directions and seldom cause any problems for anyone. Kabaliktaran sila ng mga pasaway at pakialamero. If you have identified some Androids in your workplace it pays to encourage them to be involved in your activities. If you isolate

them you will simply aggravate their already low self esteem. If we cannot get rid of them, we may as well help them. The next character type that you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with are Workaholics who are power-starved. Workaholics are people obsessed with the notion that working excessive hours builds their power base. Mr. Wess Roberts describes Workaholics as extremely tense, generally unsociable, exceedingly competitive and overly domineering. All in one basket. They desire power as the first link to a progressive chain of selfish motives: power begets opportunity which, in turn, begets personal wealth which leads to financial freedom â&#x20AC;&#x201C; their ultimate goal. This quest for financial freedom is guided by ruthless ambition which often impairs their judgment. People put in long hours for various reasons: to get a project done, to make a living, to escape having to deal with unpleasantness in their personal lives. To workaholics, though, work is something that will never end. 46

Mr. Roberts says that being around Workaholics is like having a shark in your bathtub. They never seem to sleep, just as a shark must swim constantly in order to breathe. They need to keep busy all the time in order to survive psychologically. He stresses, “As managers, Workaholics make excessive, unreasonable demands on their subordinates’ time without any thought about the consequences for those people’s lives. Having no lives of their own, Workaholics have a difficult time relating to such concerns.” No further comment is necessary. The next character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with are Sloughers who rarely focus on fulfilling their duties. They tend to be bright people who are simply not inspired by their assignments. The book’s author describes Sloughers as people who have “the knack for seeing that someone else accomplishes the tasks that are uninteresting to them.” Mahilig magpasa ng trabaho sa iba. As managers, Sloughers hire only competent and self-motivated subordinates who require very little direction to produce 47

results. For them, delegation of responsibility and accountability comes easy without fear of disappointment from bad results. If you happen to work for a Slougher, try to solve problems by yourself because they are not interested in addressing things that they think you are capable of doing. Being their main goal in the office is to avoid work as much as possible; they will be pleased if you offer to do work that they should in fact be doing. As peers, Sloughers always seek to do that part of the project which requires the least effort. They can make it appear that they have done a great deal of work by manipulating their peers. Mr. Roberts says that Sloughers can be likened to “police officers who spend their day sitting in a patrol car with a box of donuts, relying on traffic violators to write their own citations.” Kung may hihigit pa diyan, ewan ko na! The next character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with are the Gatekeepers. They are people who are fixated on procedure rather than substance. 48

Gatekeepers are described as “ritualistic rule followers who, like devout disciples of orthodox sects, obsessively abide by the letter of the law.” For them, it is a sin to make decisions based on the spirit of the law. As managers, Gatekeepers strictly play by the book. They are more followers than leaders, precisely because they merely follow the rules as if rules exist for their own sake. If you happen to work for a Gatekeeper, make the rules fit the situation. It is the only way. Rules are always based on speculations about what will happen in the future, something which is not always possible to forecast accurately. For this reason, rules, logically, can be changed. As peers, Gatekeepers seek to exert power from their only source, an exasperating devotion to detailed policy and procedure. They don’t actually get your work done; they actually create more work than you need to do. Mr. Roberts says that Gatekeepers will use policies and procedures to excuse themselves from personal responsibility. If their actions result to undesirable consequences, they are

quick to point out that they did what they were told to do. We must take note that Gatekeepers are not really following the rules, but their own interpretation of the rules. Gatekeepers often pester us with their constant need for guidance because of their excessive attention to detail. The next character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with are the Faultfinders. They are people who are considered inflexible, secretive, self-appointed members of the morality police. Faultfinders are extremely reserved and tend to be deliberate, easily offended and hypocritical. They are severely judgmental but take extra care to avoid being judged themselves. As managers, Faultfinders are “rigid, authoritative and hyper-alert to anything out of the ordinary”. They “interpret mistakes as an indication of corrupt moral character instead of a fact of life from which no one is spared”. Grabe! As peers, Faultfinders breed an atmosphere of suspicion and general distrust.

As subordinates, they perceive change as threatening and they often envy the attention received by their co-workers. They always assume the role of eyes and ears of the boss, in effect creating a disruptive and destructive work environment. Faultfinders need constant reassurance from the boss. In the process they transform the work environment into one that is polluted with petty bickering, widespread suspicion, cynical distrust and needless stress. Makakatagal ka ba sa ganyang situation? If a Faultfinder is causing you any problem, confronting him or her directly will sometimes remedy the situation. This strikes right at the heart of the Faultfinder’s false sense of power. Sitahin agad siya para di na lumawig pa ang problema. You will surely meet this next character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with. Called Bungee Jumpers or Thrill Seekers, they are people who are easily distracted and driven by “an uncontrollable, incessant need to try something new and sensational.”

Bungee Jumpers are “haphazard in both thought and action”. They are most attracted to activities which are exciting and stimulating but serve no real purpose. Basta mukhang kuwela at “in”, tuloy ang ligaya. Ang sabi pa, Bungee Jumpers have a deep-seated need to be the center of attention to the extent that they often interrupt other people’s conversation, mapansin lang. As managers, Bungee Jumpers are usually unorganized and poor planners. They often take more projects that they or their subordinates can handle and over commit their resources. As peers, they tend to disrupt the activities of others and tend to speak out of turn. Pasok nang pasok. They will not hesitate to betray their co-workers for personal gain. As subordinates, they don’t have sufficient self-discipline to work independently and typically need instructions to be repeated. Bungee Jumpers have superficial knowledge about many things but are not experts in anything. Para kayang jack-of-all-trades? We can help Bungee Jumpers by making them realize that there is more thrill in 52

knowing how to do their work and from the successful execution of their duties. These are the things that really matter. Hindi ba? The whiner or bitcher is the next character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with. The whiners are more commonly called the Perpetual Victims. Their most prominent trait is an inability to cope with the least bit of adversity. They are extremely high-strung, impatient and emotionally erratic. Perpetual Victims are “easily frustrated, blame others for their problems and generally unsociable”. They are pessimists who take life too easily. They always expect the worst and do nothing to prevent it from happening. The glass is always half-empty. They have difficulty developing trusting relationships because they tend to be suspicious of others. They exhibit excessive emotional anxiety over any situation that makes them feel as if they have been mistreated. Ang sabi pa, Perpetual Victims are inconsiderate of the feelings of their 53

co-workers, although they want others to like them. As managers, Perpetual Victims are the kind of bosses who make us dread going to work. Matindi ang paniniwala nila na something bad is going to happen. Mabuti na lang, Perpetual Victims are seldom placed in managerial positions. As peers, they are difficult to tolerate and they often attribute personal shortcomings to their co-workers and watch out because they are suspicious even of good intentions. As subordinates, they are really very difficult to manage, insisting on doing things their way. Perpetual Victims will threaten to quit when they cannot have their own way or if they feel that they are not getting enough sympathy. We can help Perpetual Victims by helping them to experience the rewards of taking responsibility for their behavior. Let us not allow them to whine and bitch for every little thing at work. Delikado tayo sa mga ito: the Backbiters, the Rumormongers and the Saboteurs. They belong to the next character type that you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t 54

avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with. They are more commonly called the Colleague Slayers. They are characterized as “relentless snoops who poke and probe for ways to destroy their co-workers’ reputations.” Ang sabi pa, they are so evil that they are not wanted in Heaven at natatakot naman si Satanas baka masapawan siya. Colleague Slayers are self-centered, ruthless, methodical villains who are not bothered by lying, stealing or cheating. Of course, they normally attack you if you have offended them or if you are a threat to them in the battle for power and prestige. As managers, Colleague Slayers will not tolerate any attempt to intrude into their business but will not hesitate to invade another manager’s space without invitation. Matindi talaga. As peers, they are generally cheerful and cooperative with co-workers, but only to those who have not offended them or pose no threat to them. Pag kalaban ka, they will not respect your privacy or right to carry out your assignments without any interference.

As subordinates, they feign loyalty to the boss, siyempre. But when opportunities to subvert a colleague present themselves, they will respect neither person nor position. Everybody is fair game. Getting along with Colleague Slayers may really be stressful because we have to watch our back, front, sides, pati bumbunan at talampakan natin. Mahirap na. We have to be cautious about leaving sensitive information in readily accessible places. Kasi, they are known to have the “dogged tenacity of tabloid reporters sifting through thrash containers.” Make way for the Productivity Rebels, the next character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with. They are people who are sullen, cynical, intentionally ineffective and considered secretly defiant against authority. Mr. Wess Roberts says that Productivity Rebels “express their combative nature by covert obstructionism, pigheadedness and purposefully wasting time.” Tigas-ulo sila! With a low level of self confidence, they resent others whom they perceive to be 56

successful. They are also argumentative for no apparent reason and quick to criticize others. As managers, Productivity Rebels are often hostile to their superiors and always try to develop overly dependent relationships with their subordinates. They spend a lot of time sharing their pessimism with their associates, thus sowing the seeds of despair and impeding productivity. There is always something wrong or unfair with this and with that. Para sa kanila, walang tama! As subordinates, they can be very frustrating to manage. Kasi, they often appear to be dedicated to their job, with sufficient skills to accomplish their tasks. Pero pakitang-tao lang lagi, and they rarely deliver or perform according to their abilities. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hang out with Productivity Rebels because pessimism becomes infectious through frequent exposure to it. It is always good to practice proactive damage control by making frequent checks on their work. Mabuti na yong sigurado. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let their negativism convert you into what you are not!

They are teeming with inner rage, unstable, disgruntled and appear to be mad at the world in general – these are the Temperamental Tyrants – the next character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with. Temperamental Tyrants are “so cantankerous and volatile that they can burst into a tirade at the least provocation.” Huwag lang na di mo makanti, puputok na agad. Galit talaga sila sa mundo. They have difficulty forming healthy interpersonal relationships because they are never truly happy, even in the most fortunate circumstances. They are easily offended and are known to exact their own brand of justice. Baka “an eye for an eye” palagi. Temperamental Tyrants will attack anyone who intrudes into their space, often injuring the innocent in their attempt to harm their offenders. Mahirap tamaan ng stray bullet nila. As managers, Temperamental Tyrants are preoccupied with authority and they are irritated by anyone or anything that interrupts or distracts their preoccupation. Frequently their minds are made up before they ask others for their opinions. May kilala ka ba – 58

magtatanong pa kunwari pero kanya rin ang nasusunod? As subordinates, they can be doggedly obedient, but only to influential members of management and only to those who can provide what they need. Pag wala kang pakinabang sa kanila, wala ka. Kungsabagay, this is not really very surprising. Working with a Temperamental Tyrant is like petting a rattlesnake – you are sure to be bitten – it’s just a matter of when. If we want to get along with Temperamental Tyrants, we have to “show grace in the face of capricious fire, to keep calm when you might be justified in getting angry, and to help them become more self-aware.” Napakahirap gawin, pero hindi imposible They are often called the “Social Workers” although they are not connected with the DSWD. They are the Touchy Feelies who are hypersensitive, meddlesome and often affectionate for the wrong reasons. They are the next character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with.

The author says that Touchy Feelies “place so much emphasis on social acceptance and recognition.” They tend to resist authority and are easily frustrated. They spend much time over small petty details so they end up worrying about things that should not really be worried about. As managers, Touchy Feelies emphasize impressions and appearances rather than people and productivity. They have a tendency to be overly protective of their associates to the extent that they will overlook behavior that requires disciplinary action. As peers, they tend to meddle in their co-workers’ personal lives. They become overbearing in their effort to make their coworkers feel happy. As subordinates, they exhibit excessive devotion to their boss, but when they feel rejected, they become sullen and withdrawn. They are reluctant to ask for help kasi, para sa kanila, ang role nila sa buhay is to help others. We can help Touchy Feelies by making them reshape their distorted image as caretakers of the happiness of others. We have to help them understand that taking care of

their own work is top priority. They are better appreciated if they accomplish their job! They are the last character type that you can’t avoid at work which you have to learn to get along with – the Frequent Flyers – sometimes called “the entitlement chasers”. They are characterized as “shortsighted and self-justifying” with an “addiction for using their organization’s resources as if these were their own.” They have “situational ethics” which stems from their belief that the rules that they break or policies that they violate do not apply to them. Masaya talaga sila! Frequent Flyers “have a clear conscience when indulging in unauthorized use of their expense accounts, making personal use of their organization’s tools and equipment, helping themselves to office supplies, or performing any other illicit activity that feeds their habit of fiscal corruption”. Napakalinaw na description! The author goes further – “Frequent Flyers are individualistic, shallow, and greedy. They have a relentless pattern of serving their own interests first and foremost – an interpersonal

style that routinely infringes on the rights and violates the trust of others. “They become flushed and flustered in situations where they can’t abuse their access to organizational resources for personal gain. And they get defensive when confronted with their transgressions – Frequent Flyers are masters of denial.” Here’s Mr. Robert’s advice for people who work for Frequent Flyers – WEAR YOUR ETHICS – show them that you will never disrespect the trust that others have placed in you. Kasi, Frequent Flyer managers are good at talking their subordinates to do things they know they should not do. And if this happens to you – you should be ready to live with your decision. It is a fact that no decision involving money and resources can be kept secret for long. Sisingaw din ang baho kahit paano tatakpan! Kapag nangamoy na, di naman niya aakuin ang pagkakasala at responsibilidad – basta bahala ka sa buhay mo!

BOOK V: MONEY DRUNK/MONEY SOBER Like me, many of you possibly don’t realize that it is very important to understand how we behave with respect to money. Mark Bryan and Julia Cameron, authors of the book “Money Drunk/Money Sober: 90 Days to Fiancial Freedom” say that many people have certain forms of addiction to money or to how they handle money matters. Let us begin dissecting the types of money drunks and see whether we can identify ourselves. We begin with Compulsive Spenders who relieve the anxiety in their lives with the “high” that buying and spending produce. Sabi ng mga authors – “when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping”. Dagdag pa nila, “more than any form of money addiction, the need for compulsive spending is easily viewed as an attempt to block feelings of inadequacy.” Here are a few questions that will help us diagnose ourselves – are we compulsive spenders? Do you buy things and hide them? Do you worry more about having money to spend than how to make it? Do you 63

impulsively buy things that you don’t need or can’t afford? Do you shop in order to alter your mood? Do you find it impossible to stay within your budget or shopping list when you shop? Do you continually drain your savings account or fail to have one? If you answered yes to four of these questions – you are no doubt a compulsive spender. Like me, unfortunately. At this time, I will not yet deal with any “treatment” to this addiction. This is still the diagnostic phase, although I will start reading on the “prescriptions” for compulsive spenders since I answered yes to many of the questions above. These times it is really of utmost importance that we recognize our money addictions. It may not really be too late. Like in any other kind of addiction, recovery can only come after the denial phase and the acceptance and desire for the need to change for the better. Kaya ko binili at binabasa yong libro. If you have not classified yourself as a Compulsive Spender let’s look at the second form of money addiction described by the authors of the book “Money Drunk” – the Big Deal Chaser. 64

The authors say that this is “one of the most difficult belief systems to change”. What is a “big deal”? Sabi nila – “it is a sudden change that changes everything else.” Big deal chasers believe in fairy tales – there is a pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow. The big deal is the big idea that will make us rich, a new job that will pay us five times what we earn now, the new invention, the new client, the hot tip, the lottery. These are the things that influence the way we handle money matters – the addiction to “revenge” – because in the minds of big deal chasers money will fix everything. They believe that they are what they earn. They are what they own. They are what they owe. Big deal chasers refuse to watch their finances because they believe that the “big deal” is going to make everything all right. Worse, they spend the “expected proceeds” of the big deal even before it actually happens – like counting chicks before they are hatched. It is even worse when we spend on borrowed money because we expect the big deal to take care of our debts. The struggle to rise above our present predicament often becomes addictive and 65

some big deal chasers may mistakenly hunt ways to make it out of poverty through illegal means like drug dealing, gambling, swindling or even prostitution – some ways by which they expect to cash in big. One thing has to be borne in mind – for the money drunk the “big deal”, the future, the final payoff never happens. We must remember that “even the most noble causes are pursued one day at a time”. There is no “big deal”. There is nothing to chase. Big deal chasers are forever hoping that tomorrow the grand payoff will come so they spend money as if they have already cashed in their winnings. Come to think of it, compulsive spenders may also be big deal chasers. If you are in this kind of bind, then there will be an endless spiral, unless someone gets in the way and help you recognize your addictions. This is the first step towards recovery and redemption. The third type of “Money Drunk” is referred to as the Maintenance Money Drunk, someone who does not appear drunk on money but who leads a life of quiet desperation – either not really knowing what his/her dreams are, or having too little faith to 66

pursue them, or knowing all too well that he/she cannot risk the security to pursue them. Maintenance money drunks are the most difficult to detect because there are often no outward manifestation of behavioral dysfunction. They don’t appear to be drunk but they are neither really sober, using money to medicate their discontent. The lives of maintenance money drunks are often shaped by people and forces outside of themselves, by their family’s expectations, or by socio-cultural mores instead of personal ones. As a consequence, they pursue money and money-related stature without questioning why they are engaged in such pursuit. “Do I love my work?” is a question that is consciously avoided. “How much does it pay?” is a more relevant concern. The pursuit of happiness equals the pursuit of money. It is said that a telltale symptom of the Maintenance Money Drunk is the phrase “I am going to”, said over and over again but without any action towards the intended goal. The worst happens when the Maintenance Money Drunk has been lying to himself so long about doing this or that “later” that he begins 67

to lose faith in his abilities. Then he stays where he is out of fear. And he begins to hate himself for it. He then uses money and his job to cover for his own feelings of loss and helplessness and boredom. Nangyayari ba sa iyo ang ganitong eksena? If this is happening to you – and you realize it – then you can go through a period of rebellion. Tell yourself – “I am not going to take it anymore!” This is the beginning of recovery. The fourth type of “Money Drunk” is referred to as the Poverty Addict, someone who strives for a life of austerity – crossing an invisible line and becoming addicted to self-deprivation. It may seem difficult to believe that some people suffer from this kind of addiction, but many people really do. Lack of money get them high and they feel martyred, virtuous, self-righteous and self-pitying. But their lives are ruled by money itself. Poverty addiction is an addiction to constant worry and complaint. It “darkens our dreams and becomes an excuse for not living up to our potential for life, for the thrills of adventure and experience.” Worse is when you 68

believe that there is some virtue in being poor or when you have some money you tend to spend it on others rather than for yourself. Some Poverty Addicts act as though they are seeking sainthood through their poverty. They try hard to “rise above such petty feelings as comfort and material concerns.” And they cling to this like a sense of moral superiority, believing that all matters of money are matters of shame. May kilala ka ba na ganito ka-martyr? It is said that Poverty Addicts are often obsessed with judgments of the shallowness around us and they fail to become mature persons. Refusing to own and nurture their lives, they take spiritual pride in eternal adolescence, refusing to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives. When they look for a job they never take a job that pays them enough money. “Money is not a consideration,” they tell themselves when they accept a job. But the reality is that money is all that they think about. Poverty addicts underprice their skills or feel guilty about asking people to pay them for their work. Is there really such a person? 69

The last of the Mohicans is the cash co-dependent, someone who actually supplies money to the real “money drunk” and suffers because of the tendency to focus on the roller coaster ride with the accompanying violent mood swings of the real addict. Ang co-dependent ay parang kunsintidor. When the real “money drunk” spends extravagantly, the co-dependent sustains such extravagance even to the extent of digging deeper into hard-earned savings. This is the simple “money is love syndrome” that should be avoided at all cost. A spouse who “tolerates” a partner’s shopping habit actually allows him/her to go on compulsive spending. This results to a situation where our life and our finances become unmanageable. It is best to keep a very close eye on the ways we learn to manipulate those around us, especially our mates. Don’t we often use treats as small bribes? Don’t we sometimes buy a little something for our mate after a fight to soothe troubled waters? These actions are no different from offering beer to an alcoholic to nurse a hangover. The story repeats itself. 70

It’s as if we get our self-worth from helping others to feel dependent on us, instead of taking care of ourselves appropriately. Whether you are a compulsive spender, a big deal chaser, a maintenance money drunk, a poverty addict or a cash co-dependent, you are an addict and you have a money addiction. This means that you have to go for “rehab” and hope to get rid of your money addiction. It’s the only way. Otherwise you will be an addict all your life and you will definitely die an addict. It doesn’t sound like a good prospect so we better look at some ways by which you and I can get rid of our addiction. According to the authors of the book, the most important rule, to begin with, is the “No-Fault Rule”. It means that while we now accept responsibility for our financial mess, we no longer accept shame for it. We have money problems, but we are not our money problems. Quite a difference, there. Of course, we need to be aware of our money problems before we can do anything about them. Other than this, we have to realize that changing our attitudes is not enough – we 71

also have to change our actions. Change will have o have concrete manifestations. The road to recovery begins with a simple task – counting. Count how much money you make, and count how much money you spend. Don’t make any judgment at this point, just count and make a list. The results may even surprise you. Do you spend more than you earn? Do you buy this and that and yet skip on certain basic necessities? Would you rather spend your money on a new pair of shoes and go hungry for a few days? Aside from giving us an idea where we place our priorities, the list also tells us just how much it costs us to live each month or where our salary or income is really going. Don’t delay, let’s start today! While we are doing this, let’s declare a “Time Out” – huwag munang mangutang, iwasan ang mga malalaking gastusin at dapat sabihin sa pinagkakautangan na magbabayad tayo sa takdang panahon. Let’s stop hiding from our creditors. If we can do all these, then we can continue. 72

Since I wrote the series on the types of “money drunk”, I have been a bit conscious about my buying and spending habits. And they are really buying and spending habits – hard to break – but not impossible to break. Do you agree? I have allowed myself the debate about “needs” and “wants” especially when the item that I plan to buy is for me or for my own consumption. Truth is I have postponed buying many things for myself, and hopefully such postponement will be permanent. I have found out that on many instances, not buying something that I want doesn’t really make a lot of difference. When the intensity of the “want” wanes, then it loses its “want-ness” and I just forget all about it, especially when budget is tight. Another possible reason is the fact that these days I have to allocate whatever little income I have to real “needs” – allocation for my daily gasoline consumption, cellphone bills and my lunch “baon”. Di puwedeng tumakbo ang sasakyan sa tubig lang!