Tug McClutchin

WORDS AND IMAGE: TUG MCCLUTCHIN

GOING ON TOUR

I’D FORGOTTEN WHAT IT was like to organise a motorcycle tour.

In a previous job some years ago, organising tours for groups of riders, and then leading them, was part of my gig. It can be great fun, but also hard work. And it can test your patience. It’s also not a holiday. Not when you’re the person running the show.

I’ve also met some people on tours who became friends, so the benefits can be substantial. Just as well, because it isn’t much of a way to make money. You certainly won’t get rich running bike tours.

A month or so back I started toying with the idea of resurrecting a tour I used to run from Sydney to Phillip Island for the World Superbike Round each year. It was 3 or 4 days on the road, then the weekend at the track watching the races. They were great fun trips, with awesome roads, and obviously an international race meeting to go to, so what’s not to love?

And so, I decided that I would run it again next year. Then the planning began. And so did the headaches.

I should start by pointing out that bike tours in groups of more than about halfa-dozen is generally not my favourite way to travel. I’m impatient, and when I’m going for a ride, I want to ride. I’m worse when I have a destination. I want to get there.

I’m not one for standing on the side of the road chatting while Dazza has a smoke and Bazza takes a slash against a tree. I am unamused when a 7 minute fuel stop becomes a 45 minute ordeal because there are 25 of you who need fuel, and Lozza can’t find his left glove and Shazza buggered off to the dunny to drain the dew off her Lilypad 30 seconds before it was time to put the helmets on.

And then there’s always a Wazza, who’s skinny as a rake but eats like a bear and is always wandering off looking for a pie, lest he die of emaciation between lunch and dinner.

Shit just happens slowly on tour with lots of people. And when I have ground to cover and somewhere to be, or good roads to ride, wasting time is eternally irrational to me. But not everyone sees the world in my zealous way, and some people see touring in a group as a great way to see the world with like-minded people in a relaxed environment.

And that’s all fine.

It also means that when I organise a tour, I can’t organise it for me. I have to organise it to suit other people, and therein lies the challenge. Because there is a whole world of motorcycle riders who lie somewhere between the way I like to ride, and the type of rider who is happy chugging down the freeway on his Goldwing.

So how do you cater for everyone?

Take your choice of route for instance. If you are organising a weekend away with a few mates, there’s a pretty good chance you all have a similar view of riding, ride bikes with similar predispositions, and like riding the same types of roads. It’s likely part of the reason you are mates in the first place.

But how do you choose a route when you have a group of 20-plus people ranging from lunatic 22 year olds on Gixxers, to grey haired blokes on adventure bikes, to big guys on a Harley with so little cornering clearance they have panic attacks on roundabouts. And there will always be someone with a pillion.

All of that is to be expected. Motorcycling is a broad church and it would be boring if it weren’t.

Now, given your audience, your first choice of “all the twisty roads all the time” might not be looking like the best all-round option.

Like everything in life, there’s a balance there somewhere.

Then you have to look at the accommodation, because that plays a major role in determining what the tour will cost.

There have been times when I have shared a room with 3 other smelly, snoring, drunken riders in order to make a trip more affordable. These were trips when I was young and poor, and riding with other young and poor people. It wasn’t about the sleeping, it was about all the fun you have when you’re awake, right? Who cares if the sleeping accommodations are a little shitty.

Me, that’s who. When I take my lovely and patient wife away on holiday, I do not expect her to stay in shitholes. We’re both too old for that garbage. No, we must have decent rooms in hotels nice enough that never have you wondering if there are bed bugs.

So if you want to come on tour with me you’ll be paying for nice lodgings.

Sorry, not sorry. Life is too short to stay in bad hotels and crappy pubs. That’s the only thing I will not budge on. Thankfully, Australia, particularly in regional areas, is blessed with very good motor inn type hotels and lots of pubs that are well run and have quality accommodation, so finding places to stay isn’t too challenging, depending on your group size.

And then there’s the legal issues. Which one of these people has a family who is going to sue me when their loved one dies trying to keep up with the lunatic 22 year old on the Gixxer? Shit happens on bikes, we all know that, but sometimes people like to make things someone else’s fault, particularly if they think they can sue you.

So, we have a lawyer look over the Terms and Conditions that everyone signs and we get insurance, just in case. That’s no guarantee you won’t get sued though. Then there will be the babysitting. Throw 20 or so people together and you can guarantee some won’t get on. There will be one creepy guy who gets a bit familiar with the ladies on tour. There will be the one who’s a bit racist but thinks it’s funny. There will be the one who bitches about everything, and is very particular about the softness of pillows, and thinks it’s my job as tour organiser to liaise with hotel management on his behalf about his neck support requirements while sleeping.

There will be people that are always late. If I say we leave at 8am, we leave at 8am. Well, in my head that’s how I’d like it to work, but some people have a different attitude to timeliness than me.

There will be the one who thinks you should change the route because he’s ridden this area before and knows an “awesome secret road that everyone will love”.

And then there’s the one who wants to throw their luggage in the support vehicle and the trailer so they can enjoy their ride more, even though the support vehicle is there for the benefit of anyone who has a mechanical issue and needs to stick their bike in the trailer. That’s hard when the trailer is full of luggage.

There is also guaranteed to be someone who rides like a clown and needs to be spoken to before he hurts someone. There will be someone who is so slow it seems like you will never even reach your hotel before dinner. And there will be someone who feels it is their role as an experienced rider to point out the flaws in other people’s riding.

Someone will turn up with a rear tyre that doesn’t have enough meat on it to last the trip and expect you to find them a bike shop and have everyone wait for them while they get a new tyre fitted. There will be one who doesn’t maintain their bike and requires you and a couple of other mechanically handy people to help start their bike at least 4 times during the trip.

And there will be one who is just a pain in the arse because someone created them that way.

Then there will be the couple that comes and wants to upgrade from a twin room to a king spa suite. There will be a vegan who refuses to eat at the bakery you planned to stop at for lunch because they don’t sell salad. There will be a snorer whose beleaguered roommate demands to be swapped out, but nobody will swap in.

Why did I decide to do this again?

Oh, that’s right. Because it’s awesome fun, a great way to meet new people, and you’ll be left with memories that last a lifetime. Some of the best times I’ve ever had were on motorcycle trips.

I’m sure this one will be no different. I’m also thinking a tour to Tassie might be a good fun way to spend a week, but that’s a plan for another day.

Where else would you like to take a trip to? Any suggestions?