The Reflection in the Mirror Be Kind: Watch What You Say to It

“The most important opinion you have is the one you have of yourself, and the most significant things you say all day are those things you say to yourself.” ~Unknown

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? What is it you look for? Do you admire the reflection looking back at you? Do you smile at her and admire her smile, her blemishes, her curves and natural beauty. Do you appreciate his bold eyes, the mustache, the dimples on his face and maybe even his thigh, or do you look at all of the things that you wish were different; or tell yourself, “If I ever win the lottery, look out plastic surgeon because here I come!”

So many times in our lives, we’ve focused on the imperfections about the way we look and what we believe to be “things that are wrong”, both physically and emotionally. Where did it all begin, you ask? For so many of us these ideas were “programmed” into our minds at a very young age. Most of the views of how we see ourselves came from other sources in our lives, be it an aunt who always commented on how chubby you’d gotten over the summer or the grandmother that registered her opinion of the fact that you were just too thin for her liking.

Rejection often comes in many forms and negative self-talk from others is often the horse it rides in on. Beliefs often are the catalyst and foundation of how we see ourselves and how we think others perceive us, as well. We tend to form our “truths” based off of someone else’s approval; or, more than not, one’s disapproval. I often refer to the analogy that Dr. Shad Helmstetter uses in his book, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. He likens the mind to a computer hard drive that has been programmed with years of negative information. And, as with any hard drive, it only understands and recognizes the data that’s been programmed into it. It then becomes the source that we use to gauge our opinions, and it’s the source in which the images of how we see ourselves are formed. In turn, we pass it on.

So, for many of us, there has been a lot of negative downloading that has taken place and it’s no wonder we tend to be critical in our thinking when it comes to ourselves. Did you know that only 4% of the women in the U.S. consider themselves beautiful? An One in 10 men think they are handsonme? Be it your self-image, your physical features, or your performance on the job, we all have had areas where we didn’t feel that we measured up. What do you believe?

For me, it wasn’t until I was an adult and began my journey of self-redevelopment that I discovered just how long ago my negative programming began. Even though it began in my childhood, it carried over into my teenage years and on into my adult life. One incident that stands out in my mind was when I learned that the first 3 years of my life were spent with my grandmother. I discovered much later in life why(that’s another story for anther day), but for many years as a young girl I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for my mom to keep me, why didn’t she love me enough, and why couldn’t I have stayed with her.

After going to live with my mom, I was about 7 years old when I was touched inappropriately by my babysitter’s neighbor. I carried the secret for many years, because the person that violated me told me he would kill all of my family if I ever breathed a word. The horrible experience was something I wore for many years believing that, again, I wasn’t good enough and that somehow this horrific experience was in some way my fault. Why wasn’t I good enough to be protected from someone with such bad behavior? These experiences began to lay the foundation of a negative image of myself. Soon, the seeds of negative self-talk began to take root and it wasn’t long before I began to accept that somehow I didn’t deserve to be loved.

This warped sense of reality had me on a fast track of seeking what I thought was love; and because of my misinterpretation of what love was and feelings of rejection from childhood, these beliefs manifested and carried over into failed relationship after failed relationship because I didn’t know my self-worth. I wasn’t having healthy conversations with myself but instead I was having very abusive conversations about never being enough. I began relationships based on the feeling that because someone showed an interest in me and wanted to spend time with me, it meant that they love and cared for me. When that relationship failed, the negative self- talk intensified. Again, I would tell myself, I wasn’t enough.

continued from page 7 Often times, we allow the experiences of our past to shape and mold how we live life. Negative experiences have a scarring effect and set us up to believe that we don’t deserve more or can’t have more. According to scientists, we have about 60,000 thoughts a day (one thought per second). And what’s even more startling is that of those 60,000 thoughts, 95% are the same thoughts we had yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. Leading behavioral researchers have told us that about 77% of our thoughts are negative and work against us in some form, and are counterproductive.

The mirror has often been seen as the reflection for correction, using it to look for anything that would need to be fixed or adjusted. I would like to suggest that the negative self-talk has you looking at the wrong reflection. The inner negative self-talk should be the focus of correction. How encouraging to know that, no matter how much negative self-talk may exist in your mind, it is never too late to replace, correct, or “reprogram”.

I co-wrote a book, Live Your BEST Life: Stories of Triumph. I’m inspired by my fellow co-author and friend Demetra Moore’s story as she shares how she had to fight against the negative self-talk of being a failure after she watched her business that she’d worked so hard to build from the ground up crumble to pieces. She talks about the feelings of despair and the agony of failing before her family, her friends, and the whole world. One of the keys to her success today was that she had to quiet the negative chatter that would show up in her darkest moments day after day until she learned how to fight back. I encourage you to go to my website and order the book. Every story is one of how we triumphed over obstacles that could have knocked us out of the race of life. If you want strategies for overcoming your hurdles and struggles in life, it’s another read that’s sure to please and help you as you journey through to success!

One of the most important keys to overcoming negative self-doubt is to first recognize it when it occurs. For many, the choice to change the way we think is short-lived because it requires an amount of discipline that many will not want to commit to doing. Just as we can with a computer hard drive, we can reprogram our mind’s “hard drive” to reduce and eventually eliminate negative self-talk. Some of the advantages of eliminating negative self-talk are that it creates positive energy and opens the channel of creativity and the ability to produce fresh and new ideas.

When you find yourself having negative self-talk, immediately redirect your thinking. Be kind to yourself. Her are some of the most commonly used negative self-talk phrases are listed below on the left. On the right are phrases that can replace the negative selftalk. “I can’t seem to stay organized.”“I am developing organizational skills.” “That’s Impossible.” “It’s Possible.” “I don’t ever seem to have enough time.” “I will schedule my time better.” “I get so depressed.” “Sometimes I’m unhappy.” “I never seem to get anyplace on time.” “I will manage my time better.”

What are some negative self-talk phrases and replacements that you will work to change?

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