Reimagine: Neighboring

by Mark Shoemaker

When thinking about building relationships with the people who lived in our apartment community, the thing that was an advantage for me was considering neighboring in the international missions context first. I wanted to be sent to a different field. “God, use me internationally. I want to be sent around the world so I can have a great impact.” But somewhere along the line, I realized that I wouldn’t say I have ever had a very great impact where I am right now. There’s no magic in being sent farther. Here I am asking to go and have a profound impact where there is great cultural and language distance, sometimes racial barriers, a different history; a much more complex ministry context somewhere else. I wanted to be used without ever doing it.

So, when my wife, Emi, and I got married we began to consider how we could use our home as home base for ministry. If we want to get good at being sent far away, we need to get good at being sent close—serving people who live near us, who shop in the same places, who cheer for the same sports teams and eat at the same restaurants. We wanted it to be authentic, not something we exceled at when we left our house, but stunk at when we were home. We wanted our lives to provide an aroma of hope in our neighborhood, something countercultural enough to stand out and create life-giving conversations.

Apartment living has been our experience of home and I must say it is very motivating to live in harmony with your neighbors when you literally share a roof. We are going to be shaped by these relationships one way or another, so Emi and I are very intentional about how we begin our interactions from the moment we move in. Everyone is wondering whether we are the kind of neighbors who want to be left alone. Do they need to be suspicious of us? Are we for them or going to make their lives difficult?

When we moved in we wanted to send the message right away that we want to be interested in their lives. This is where Emi shines. She is typically the bridge builder. She doesn’t see new relationships by the boundaries that are there, but only as opportunities for new friendships. She is anxious to get started with new experiences and build our new story together. There is no right way to do it, no wrong way, you just have to meet them. In our experience it has sometimes been the most awkward attempts that have been the most memorable. Emi took every opportunity to ask one of our new neighbors about shamrock shakes and his favorite McDonald’s burgers until she realized he worked at MacDonald Contractors, not the restaurant. And they still laugh about those clunky first attempts at friendship.

We have found that while you may not have a bunch of people who want to start relationships, all you need is one person to help pave the way into the community. Jesus referred to these individuals as persons of peace (Luke 10:5-7), individuals who serve you in various ways, giving you access to their relationships and resources. We have learned to be open minded about who that is. They have not always been who we expected, not necessarily the most like us, but they have their own sets of skills and strengths, and networks of connections. Steve and Erika (not their real names) have been persons of peace for us, offering us their friendship and help in all sorts of ways. And together with them we shared time and meals and laughs and teamed up to get to know our other neighbors.

Relationships in our apartment building really started to cement after Jack moved in and we noticed that he needed help from more than just one family. Good days would find him in his smoking chair on his patio, but if we didn’t see him there we knew he was struggling and probably hadn’t eaten that day. Neighbors stepped up, sometimes dropping off meals, sometimes offering a ride, helping in whatever way they could. And in his way, Jack responded by setting out another smoking chair on his patio and sharing free stuff he could pick up at various agencies. We started to drop by with ice cream or treats when his kids were there for visits and one of the neighbors gave him a TV and paid for internet so the kids would have something to do. When we organized a building block party we made sure to schedule it on a day that his kids would be with him. Jack was so proud to be able to introduce us as his friends.

He took our neighborhood friendships very seriously. So seriously in fact, that when the community had reason to confront him, he responded with deep concern. Neighbors had been noticing unsafe people regularly coming and going from Jack’s apartment and I was the delegated spokesman to talk to him. I was able to let him know how much we cared for him, but that his decisions were putting our families and children in danger. He was deeply moved that we thought enough of him to talk to him directly and jolted to realize the impact his decisions had on all of us. He made the needed contacts that day and we never saw those individuals again.

Jack died right before his birthday. We had planned to take him out for dinner at a place of his choice. We knew he wanted lasagna, but he didn’t make it to his birthday. We, as friends from the building, had come to know that because of the nature of his struggles, he didn’t have other friends and had burned a lot of bridges of relationships throughout his life. Because we were all he had, it was important that we honor him. So, we went out to eat on his birthday to remember him. We told Jack stories to honor him, to laugh and cry as a community. Everyone spoke fondly of Jack, but also told really honest stories—our genuine stories of Jack.

I don’t think we really knew the true impact we had on Jack until his funeral. His family included us in his eulogy. We were what he told his family about; the block party, providing meals for him, caring for his children. We were his neighbors and friends.

Emi and I have observed that even if people don’t really understand it, they are drawn to healthy community. Jared and Cathy moved from an apartment down the street into our building because they had been invited to our block parties and wanted to be part of our neighborhood. Karl moved to another city, but brought his new girlfriend back to our block party because he wanted to introduce her to his friends.

Mike came from all kinds of labels that could have made him a stranger to the church. He was so far out on the margins I didn’t know if he would feel welcome or if it would feel alien to him to join us for meals and gatherings. Still, he came to neighborhood gatherings and brought his kids. He said, “This reminds me of childhood. There is something so safe and good about this.” He was not a believer, not somebody who would want any sort of church activities or functions. He came from a very secular and hostile perspective to the church. Yet, when surrounded by a community of people who were living out these shared values it felt good, like the way things should be.

We love our neighbors and love the community we are building together right here at home.