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WORLD DOMINATION fter months of anticipation, Clayton students can finally rest assured with the revelation of the CWO’s true purpose. The CWO, or Clayton World Order, is a secretive group of teachers, including Kurtis Werner, Kurt Kleinberg, Mike Nelke, Heath Kent, Lauren Compton and Doug Verby. Earlier this year, CWO members wore CWO shirts at the Sept. 4 pep rally and released the following statement: “It’s coming; it’s big, so get ready.” Big? According to a reliable anonymous source, the CWO is plotting to take over the world. A student who would like to remain anonymous recounted “There I was ... walking down the hall late after school to go to my locker, when I noticed that one of the doors in the history department wasn’t locked like all the others. The door was slightly ajar, and I heard suspiciously hushed voices. I peeked in through the small opening in the doorway and saw Mr.
Photo by Noah Engel
jeffrey cheng
Werner in his CWO shirt. I deduced that this was a Clayton World Order meeting. I heard a few words thrown around, like ‘military’, ‘revolution,’ ‘world domination’ and ‘Attila.’ I remember contemplating how out-of-place these words seemed in a history classroom and then gasping as I realized that the CWO planned to become a world domination force!” Surprisingly, most Clayton students are indifferent and disinterested towards world domination. Sophomore Ethan Leong was not startled by the new developments. “It’s not really a surprise to me. I mean, those guys would be the ones to do that,” he said. Jake Shepard was also apathetic about the CWO. “All I know is that this is a blatant ripoff of the NWO,” Shepard said. The NWO (New World Order) refers to the conspiracy theory about a secretive group of elites plotting to establish a worldwide totalitarian government. Kurt Kleinberg, a math teacher and CWO
conspirator, admitted the derivative qualities of the CWO. “Yeah, we did get the idea from the New World Order, but I don’t know about the world domination part. We were parodying the wrestling stable.” “I am not a member, apparently I was not deemed worth enough for membership,” CHS Principal Dan Gutchewsky said bitterly. “However, based on my limited knowledge of the leadership of the group (CWO), I don’t think we have anything to worry about.” CWO co-leader and history teacher Kurtis Werner adamantly denied the allegations of military activity, instead taking an existentialist approach. “It [the CWO] doesn’t exist,” Werner said. “It’s kind of like Area 51. Just accept this and you will sleep better at night.” In other news: the Clayton science department builds a potentially deadly Ping-Pong cannon.