Copyright ©️ Liz Mytton 2019.
The Line
Liz Mytton asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Characters TELEPHONE JOE PUBLIC OLD TIMER JOURNALIST THE LINE
giant phone that speaks to quiz queuers person with several babies on his back elderly person interviewing queuers for TV group of people in the line, queuing
Enter JOURNALIST, dressed in bold suit with giant tie, speaking in style of a live broadcast. Makes his way through the audience, asking if they’re ‘...in The Line?’ while preparing to start show. THE LINE enters in a line along with JOE and the OLD TIMER. Carrying various bags, boxes and backpacks, they are waiting for something, shuffling slowly. There is a giant telephone standing solo. J’LIST (hand to ear, listening) Are we live? Counting down, okay (adjusts clothing)... Good morning everybody, Hope you’re hearing us just fine Reporting live from central Brum At a place known as ‘The Line’ The situation’s very bleak A crisis for the nation A million plus on waiting lists For safe accommodation
Some live with friends, some on the streets, Distressed and on their knees Early today, I spoke with Joe, A single Dad of three
J’LIST starts to interview JOE. JOE
(nervous) Well, we lived in private rented That’s me, the babbies and wife Not perfect, but we did okay Just got on with our life
The LINE breaks from the line to physicalize JOE’s story. Their bags and boxes are props, transforming into furniture, etc.
The wife worked in the orchards Brought the harvest in by hand We saved for a deposit Through her sweat spilt on the land
Our two bed flat above a shop Was small with bits of mould But still we got to call it home And felt like we’d struck gold
Until last year when the landlord came And caused our joy to end Said students fancied Handsworth As ‘authentic and on trend’
That the market justified a raise ‘Not a charity, have no doubt!’ So he gave us notice, black and white And two months to get out
And then the harvest completely failed Metaphorically and real It’s like Brexit loomed and Shriveled up a multitude of seeds
My wife’s boss shut down overnight Destroying every root Left without her wage that Friday Just a basket full of fruit
Then she sunk into depression Swatting fear her new full-time Said she left us for our benefit Then I came to join ‘The Line’.
ALL
(singing) (singing)’Queue Jumping’ by Plan B You got ‘em waiting in line, waiting in line But I’ll jump the queue You got ‘em waiting in line, waiting in line Just so I can talk to you
THE LINE get back in line.
J’LIST
And what a tale that was from Joe, But sadly not that rare Fifty seven thousand homeless just last year, And few who seem to care
With many down here sleeping rough You think I’d get an earful But at ‘The Line’, the mood’s been light Might even call it cheerful (turning to a person in the queue)
O’TIMER (speaking into mic) We’re really grateful to be here The service is fantastic! J’LIST
Could you expand on that for me You sound a bit sarcastic?
JOE
We’re not allowed to be annoyed.
J’LIST
There’s rules round your mood?
JOE
We can’t upset the apple cart Even though we know we’re screwed They try and filter out the dudes Who cry or show frustration Those who have the ‘wrong’ type attitudes Get sent back to their first location
There was a man in front of me For 9 months give or take He did things right without complaint And never took a break Even did his pee while standing up In a tiny little bag But one cold day he was hit with cramp And his strength began to flag Cried out in pain and someone heard Took his weakness as a risk Sent him backwards from the 4th in line To eight thousand and sixty six
J’LIST looks shocked JOE
He broke the rules and paid the price And besides, I’m one step nearer I’ll get a job real soon when I’ve beat this queue And my future’s so much clearer
J’LIST
I’m sure that’s true, Joe, interesting What you hint about your fate That people in ‘The Line’ have to give up work Just to make sure they can wait
(reading from a card) ‘From three AM to midnight, A perfect line you all must keep’ I’m sure our viewers want to know Exactly how you sleep?
O’TIMER We do it standing up Taking shifts throughout the day JOE
Ssh...you’ll get yourself in trouble!
O’TIMER I’m too old to send away! The LINE breaks from the line to physicalise O’TIMER’s story.
Now, I’ve worked since I was 15 Making tools down at the forge Did my time over in Whittington In service of King George
Got sent across to Coventry Was bombed out in the Blitz And never did I once complain But now I’m in the pits
Had to sell my house to pay the cost Of my old sister’s care At 95, she needed help So I had to do my share
I worked the numbers back and forth And calculations clear I moved her to a nursing home At £12000 a year
But then (taking out a calculator with receipt) I thought: (reading quickly) ‘Sixty thousand pounds divided by one thousand pounds per month for care, plus seven hundred and fifty per month for a ‘studio flat’ – bedsit - basement entrance, no garden, shared bathroom, close to all amenities equals...less than two and a half years of being able to live!
Now the odds are set against us All by virtue of our genes Cos we’ve all lived past a hundred Going well beyond our means
And I know it’s wrong to say this Cos I’d really be bereft But I’m hoping that she’ll die soon So I’ll have some options left
I’ve begged the Lord to take her For my pleas to qualify To have some hope at harvest time For my pie in the sky
Of course, it’s all a lottery Fingers crossed that we’ll be fine ‘cause in any case that bedsit went So I’m standing in ‘The Line’
THE LINE get back in line. ALL
(singing)’Queue Jumping’ by Plan B You got ‘em waiting in line, waiting in line But I’ll jump the queue You got ‘em waiting in line, waiting in line Just so I can talk to you
J’LIST
And when a person’s turn comes round Once in the premier zone They then must pass a final quiz To earn themselves a home
You may have spied this giant phone Bracing itself for action Though some have deemed this final test An unjust interaction
PHONE opens its eyes. PHONE Good day to you, Joe Public. JOE
(eager) Good morning, Sir, to you.
PHONE Please state your reference loud and clear. JOE
Zero five six six two two.
PHONE The postcode of your last address. JOE
B20 9LA.
PHONE Nationality and place of birth. JOE
British, born in JA
PHONE (hesitates) One moment please. There’s a moment of silence. The PHONE closes its eyes and some ‘hold’ music plays. PHONE opens its eyes. PHONE You have been transferred to our regional customer service centre due to an anomaly in your application. You will need to answer additional questions. Please place your hand on the scanner. JOE
What’s the anomaly?
PHONE Sorry, I did not understand your response. Please place your hand on the scanner. JOE places his hand on the scanner on the PHONE.
PHONE Verification complete. Question 1. What are the names of Henry the eighth’s wives? JOE Er...Catherine of Aragon, Catherine Parr, Catherine Howard, Anne of Cleeves, Anne Boleyn and Jane Seymour? PHONE One moment. (Slight pause) Question 2. In season 1, episode 3 of Peaky Blinders, Grace Burgess goes to the races with Thomas Shelby. What is she wearing? JOE A red lacy dress, red wide brimmed hat, a black gypsy style embroidered shawl and some delightful red Mary Jane shoes. PHONE One moment. (Slight pause) Final question. How many Birmingham’s are there? JOE A ha! I know this – 13! There are 12 in the US and our very own Birmingham where I’m standing right now!(Excited) I’ve done it! PHONE Unfortunately, that answer was incorrect. There is also a crater called Birmingham on the moon, and a star named Birmingham in the Cygnus constellation. JOE What?
PHONE Please move to the back of the line. Thank you for your cooperation. Do not make a scene. JOE moves slowly away, broken by his failure. The PHONE shuts down. OLD TIMER rubs his hands with expectation as he moves forward. J’LIST
Well, life is tough down at ‘The Line’, We simply cannot lie But Birmingham is not unique In squeezing people dry
With several cities struggling to Rehouse its population There citizens must simply wait To find accommodation
But we must question, viewers at home If waiting is sufficient If society that stands idly by Is shamefully deficient
JOURNALIST pauses, lowers his microphone. Okay, we done? Great. I’ll catch you later then, bye.
JOURNALIST loosens clothing, and squeezes into the line himself. He joins in with the song. ALL (singing) (singing)’Queue Jumping’ by Plan B You got ‘em waiting in line, waiting in line But I’ll jump the queue You got ‘em waiting in line, waiting in line Just so I can talk to you END
You got ‘em waiting in line, waiting in line But I’ll jump the queue You got ‘em waiting in line, waiting in line Just so I can talk to you