annabel banks. Programme for liars By: Annabel Banks
Step one: Preparation Lie every day. This is vital in the development of a practice. You cannot be a liar if you don’t lie: the clue is in the name! Look into the mirror and say My name is Ken (unless your name is Ken, in which case look in the mirror and say My name is not Ken). Step 2: Escalation Take your lies outside. Tell your neighbour you heard a baby crying like a fox howling like a wolf and it woke you at three in the morning. Tell him a US drone came down your chimney and you spent all night chasing it out, and did he hear anything? (Don’t act surprised when he claims he did: he is also on the programme. His name is not Ken.) Step 3: Application Get industry experience. Write a CV of all the things you’ve never done. Suggest a secret fashion-blogger background. Apply for work in dockyards and kennels. Cite experience in puff pastry and drug laboratories. Use the forum to arrange references for each other—these count towards your final mark, so take your time. Professions of gratitude for saved lives and spiritual leadership are welcome, as are the more creative uses of kitchen implements. *No academics. Step 4: Graduation Congratulations! Come to the campus and drink warm wine. Your hand would have been shaken by our illustrious alumni, if they could get the time from their schedules and if we knew who they were. Your robes, therefore, will be trimmed with the colours from other institutions. Someone in the queue will ask about them. Have fun. Step 5: Destination I don’t know what you mean. Never seen him before in my life.
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