Voices of Power: Black and Brown Memoirs for All Americans

Voices of Powe Voices of Powe

Black and Brown

"Until the lion writes his own story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter."--African Proverb

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expanding the voices and sharing personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the healing process of drafting, revising, and publishing memoirs, participants develop selfreflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.

This project is partially supported by a Together We Heal Creative Place grant from the City of Chicago Department of Cultural Affairs & Special Events and the Mayor's Office of Equity and Justice.” MAAFA’s mission is to significantly improve the quality of life for young men of color and their families on West Garfield Park providing dormitory-style residential support, workforce training, personal/spiritual development, and a host of wrap-around social services. The embedded ConTextos Authors Circle provides a synergistic space of reflection, connection, and healing growth as authors continue to forge new life chapters.

The powerful memoirs from the 2023 MAAFA Author Circle complicate myopic, monolithic narratives and include an array of reflections, transformative experiences and candid insights of young men on the West Side of Chicago.

"Until the lion learns to write his own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter."

African Proverb

I think that the Wu-Tang Clan is the illest rap group in hip hop history. To be sure, that’s high praise in light of such luminaries as Run DMC, Public Enemy, Salt-n-Pepa, NWA, A Tribe Called Quest, EPMD, The Beastie Boys, The Fugees, Outkast, Mobb Deep, I could go on. Still, I think that they deserve the crown because every last member is dope in his own right. Every member has his own unique style and personality that is separate and distinct from one another yet works together to create a sound that is characteristically Shaolin simpatico.

This MAAFA Circle is the Wu-Tang! Every member of this circle is dope, unique and talented in their own right. Nevertheless, they came together to make this circle the illest MAAFA Circle yet. They have brilliantly woven together a tapestry of poems and memoirs that allows the reader to peer into their world and see the beauty of their experiences growing up primarily on Chicago’s westside (their Shaolin). The reader is in for a literary treat equivalent to the lyrical supremacy of Raekwon, Ghostface Killah or Method Man, the creativity and boldness of Ol’ Dirty Bastard and the spirituality and technique of the RZA.

The power of this group ' s dynamic showed up most respectfully and admirably when authors came to every circle ready to engage, participate and be vulnerable with their intimate truths giving all of the things that are happening in their lives. On many occasions, they had every reason not to show up at all. Yet time and again they did! Heavy hearts from dealing with the death of a loved one, difficult domestic situations, challenges with the criminal legal system, personal health issues and the difficulties of navigating growing up in communities suffering from historical trauma and violence. They showed up to write about their experiences as an act of catharsis, defiance and to simply breathe. Enjoy their exhalations.

Spankey, ConTextos

Author Circle Facilitator

The book you hold is a labor of LOVE and this MAAFA Author Circle is a force of nature. A constellation of unique, powerful shining stars authoring their own life journeys while shaping new chapters of community. In our journey stories have been shared, questions raised, relationships deepened as each member engages in their own personal archaeological dig.

Did this powerful journey begin one Tuesday afternoon in early January 2023 or did it begin much earlier? The answer is both. In the Authors Circle, we do what human beings have done for thousands of years…we gather to connect and reflect, to pull back and zoom in. Together we create a space free of judgment, rich in diverse perspectives and emotions. A courageous space where we learn to walk in our own power, sharing our own truths, daring to be seen and heard in our own unique light.

Authors Circle values guide us, not only as we read and discuss literature, draft, and share, but also as we navigate daily life here in EarthSchool.

Be brave Be candid Keep an open mind

Expand your comfort zone. Collaborate. Seek diverse perspectives. Stop. Think. Feel. Ask for help. Offer support. Share and receive feedback. Embrace your growth. Embrace your truth. Step forward, Lean back. Every voice matters.

Trust and believe we live in important times. May reading this compilation encourage you to take a deep dive into your own life journey. Ask yourself what experiences and relationships have informed how you move in the world. Who are you now and who are you becoming? May the glory of Voices of Power empower you to continue becoming your full self, too.

MAAFA LOVE!

Peace and Blessings, Lisa,

ConTextos Director of Programs

Lastchance; TrustFamily; Keep calm Deon-

MAAFAAUTHORSWRITING

Brian

Love is like lust but spiritual

E D

Because I found inner peace without anyone ' s help.

Because people think they know me but they don’t.

Because people think that I’m mad when I’m really not.

Because most of my friends are my family.

Because I found out love is love and not lust.

Because blood makes us related but loyalty makes us family.

Because God loves me and He doesn’t care who doesn't!

Because I love God and He loves me more.

I can’t take when you know you don’t know it all but act like you do

I can’t take your bullshit

I can’t take these bitch thugs; they don’t even like love songs no more

I can’t take if you think I’ma laugh after you tell a weak-ass joke

At the time of the discussion, I can’t take your advise if I feel like you ' re wrong

I can’t take when we grow apart but you feel like you know my heart

I can’t take no disrespect; you ’ re right, I’m wrong, on to the next

I can’t take when niggas think I’m flexin’ when I just be chillin’

I can’t take when you ’ re not smart enough to learn your lesson

I can’t take when I cut a bitch off but she doesn’t think I’m over it; on to the next

I can’t take life for granted because I only have this one to live

Carl

You can’t have peace without freedom.

Children, since y ’all asked, I’ll tell you why I love you…

Because I made you.

Because I will help you.

Because I teach you.

Because I will show you.

Because I mentor you.

Because I cherish you.

Because I care for you.

Because I want them to have better.

Because I hate when they don’t have it.

Because I come from my kids.

Things I can’t take…

Disrespect

Life without my family

Everyone with me

People who always think they’re right

Bad food

Fake people

Fake tough people

Unspoken words

The devil

People who don’t like cheap things

Hot drinks

Cold food

Ugly people

Untied shoes

Cheap shoes

Police

Informants

Friendly wives

Fat kids

People walking around like you owe them something

Girls who don’t do it right

Broke bitches

Punk bitches

Ghetto hos

Cold feet

Day Day

Sleep, you dream; awake, dream gone

Pa Pa, since you asked, I'll tell you why I’m disappointed…

Because you were friendly.

Because you thought you could trust all.

Because you should have known better than that for your age.

Because you could’ve asked one of your daughters, grandchildren or granny.

Because you asked strangers.

Because your neighbor said not to do your plan alone, call him and he’ll go with you.

Because you told that neighbor you wouldn’t do the plan at all.

Because you lied to that neighbor.

Because you lay wait for your fate.

Because you were so nice to the point that you were naive.

Because you weren’t safe in your own home.

I can’t take…

Speaking in public

Being inadequate

Stupidity on purpose

People who who too slowly

People who think that they’re too hard

Scandalous women

Thieves Jail

Being played

Being cheated on

Arguing with family

Running late

Users/leeches

Messy shit

I am from Wilcox, Adams, Jackson, west K Town, Garfield Park area. From fast cars, illegal money and shots being fired; hatred; love.

I am from 4200 to 4300 back to 4200 Wilcox, granny ’ s crib.

I am from the trenches part of the city, mostly dirt, no grass.

Snooboo’s candy store, Nick store on Adams and Kildare, Goldblatt’s, the cemetery.

I’m from Bird and Mookie, family and homies and granny and pa pa.

I’m from Johnny Come Across, street football, alley basketball on Jackson, All Around the World, It, drinking and smoking.

And from slick talkers and players, land of the paperchasers, fast women, no nonsense, grown-ups.

I'm from “flush that attitude down the toilet’’ and “'I don’t know’ don’t live here.”

And from “stay on point,” “don’t be too nice,” “get it out the mud.”

I’m from trust none, fear none, treat people how they treat you.

I’m from Chicago, IL, outwest.

From soulfood, tastebuds, luigi’s, nuh un we got McDonalds at home.

To my future son

Son. One day you gon ’ be born and you will learn of a word called love. It is a word that you will hear your mother and me say to you before you even know what it means. Love is an action word, shorty. If someone ever tells you that they love you, you should be able to tell by the way they treat you. One day, you gon ’ find out that love hurts too. When you love someone and you think that they love you back, it’s gon ’ hurt to find out that they don’t. I hate that shit for you! But man up and don’t crash out ‘ cause it's gon ’ be their loss. But when love is reciprocated, it’s magical! The ones who love you will love you genuinely and unconditionally.

An email or text that I’ll never forget was a text message that I got from a dude I knew from the ‘hood regarding his girlfriend. I went to high school with her. One weekend, when I was high off the weed and pills, I was at the gas station when I heard a woman ’ s voice calling my name excitedly. When I turned to see who it was, I noticed her. We had a lil’ something going on in highschool. Because of that, when I approached her, I spoke, gave her a hug and grabbed her booty, thinking that it was still like that with us. She was like, “Nah, Dayquan! What you doin’?” I normally carry myself more smoothly than that but the drugs and the way that she was looking had me out of character. So I immediately apologized to her and told her that I was tweaking off the pills and not to charge it to my heart.

I REMEMBER

I remember when I was a shorty and my homie’nem wiped my nose for my stuff. Ever since then, my crib became the kick it crib because everybody used to be over there. When the guys were at the crib, my mamma would treat them.

*Wiped my nose means that I was stole from or scammed out of something.

When I was a kid, my cousin’nem used to beat my ass! But dem fools were way bigger than me, though, so they were pulling that shit. You see, I was a lil’ runt when I was a shorty. Even my younger cousins were slightly bigger than me. Anyway, though! My three cousins in particular, and one of my uncles, made it a habit to hurt the back. They made me cry on the regular. It used to be shitty but for some reason I liked kickin’ it with them. So one weekend I’m at their crib like usual (they stayed in the Greens).

*Hurt the back is slang for put me through a lot causing stress or pain.

Have I been chasing a living?

I thought that I was living until I started to reevaluate myself. After some reflection, I’ve come to realize that I have indeed been chasing. Chasing at money, cars, clothes, women, and fame. A life, or a chase, rather, that has been dictated by drugs and crime. Dictated by poverty and evil. But while I’ve been chasing, where has the pursuit led me?

It’s caused me pain, sorrow, and heartbreak. It’s caused me disappointment and severed relationships with the ones who want the good that’s in store for me. I’ve been just trying to win in life like everybody else wants to. But something keeps getting in the way of my ambitions. I know people that’s winning. So why am I still losing?

I think to myself, is there a difference in the way that they’ve been living their lives? Because I see what they have and the life that they live and I can see that we both have common goals. So I chase with my eyes desire but am I just running in place like on a treadmill with my eyes on the prize? Maybe my heart desires the wrong things or perhaps I’m basin’ my whole life around these ambitions when I don’t have the remedy to them. And while there is no wrong in having a dream, my morals within these dreams are wrong.

have been trying to acquire what to me is happiness by living a certain lifestyle. A lifestyle that has gradually evolved into who I am today. I’m a different man today than I was when I was younger. My values and thoughts have changed in order to correspond with my desires. I don’t

mean to use clichés, but I became a product of my environment. I know that because I had career goals that I wanted to accomplish when I was a child.

But those goals transformed into treacherous ambition. Why? Because I was insecure and needed things to give me confidence. A childish mistake! What makes a person acceptable? That depends on your surroundings, the hood that you live in and the people in it. I became engrossed in doing all the same things that I was exposed to in the hood. That was the thing to be to me because where I’m from, neither righteousness nor originality were acceptable. It wasn’t until we had been through all we have been through and wanted out the hood, that it became acceptable to live right. The irony in it all is that I was worried about what other people my own age or people who know better than me thought about me and I let that mold me into the man I am today

However, I ain't never been religious nor spiritual. I’ve always known that God is real, though. But what I didn’t know was that He was able as well. I couldn’t see a win in my life putting faith in that. I had no faith in nothing but me and my hood. My desires and my environment changed the way I moved. I maneuvered on the exterior. To do this, I had to let it change me on the interior. But through I had no control over my own life.

I wonder if when I was younger did those older members want better for me and the other shorties, like how I want better for the shorties today. It took me all this time to come to the conclusion that I was being

delusional. I won’t script it to you when I say there’s no storm that I haven't been through out here. I done been through it all! I know a majority of y ’all could relate. I’m still here breathing after taking so many chances in life. I’ve been locked up so many times but never had to experience getting caught up for shit that could’ve put me away for a stretch.

But jail or hell is exactly what I signed up for when my chase began. So am I exempt from losing this game? Am I exempt from the unintended consequences of greed, lust, violence, sin, the streets? Now people tell me that I need to know that I’ve been in God’s favor this entire time. my whole journey, I have always kept positive morals in the back of my mind. I never had a reason to exhibit any good morals outwardly because that didn’t apply to the modus operandi. It wasn’t until I got put in the blammer that I wanted to apply those morals. Now I’m in jail looking ugly, wanting to call on God. And because God be so gracious and merciful, I trust that He will rescue me.

When he does, however, I just get out and do the same things again until I realize that I'm running in place. I wasn’t winning none of life prizes. It seemed that I was living the same day over and over, essentially; never getting nothing I was after, taking all the same chances trying to get them.I love my hood from the bottom of my heart. I will never leave my hood but at the same time, I can't catch what I’m chasin’ by running in place. I need to accelerate forward. I got a different outlook on the picture now.I have to do what is right and that looks like putting God first.

It looks like falling back from shit that I used to implicate myself in. It looks like taking a break from my homies and outside for a while. It looks like locking in with the brotherhood I have access to at the MAAFA redemption program. I know now that it doesn’t always work out trying to get to the top by your own methods. It blows me at times that I have homies who out here still in the mix. Sometimes I still want to be in the mix too but it feels better to not take God's grace and mercy for granted. I came across major blessings under guidance of our leaders, our fellowship and our brotherhood. I want to enjoy the freedom of living righteously.I used to live from day to day. That was called surviving. But now I think about the future and the longevity of my life. I don't want to end up in that blammer doing a long bid. That's for the birds! Mental and physical freedom are a necessity because my family needs me.

I was told a long time ago that the outcome of the game wasn’t a good one. I played that advice to the left. Now I play it close because the goal is to become a successful adult. I feel like I hustled backwards. That's not where I am anymore. When he says “I feel like I’m no good for anyone, ” I can relate.

I can relate. I distanced myself from my homies because I wanted to obtain freedom but disappointed the ones who wanted to help me to obtain it. I’m doing what’s best for me and my family, my hood and my life now. I don’t have to change who I am to do that; I do need to change some living habits, though. That's why I chose the song “Heart and Soul” to be the soundtrack of my life. It's by YB. It's about him being

stuck in life due to bad habits and decisions and coming to the realization that his mistakes constantly failed him. I’m not YB but like him I too had to realize that treacherous habits and bad decisions will hold me back for my destiny. Yes, I have dreams. I just want them to become reality.

Delshaun

Time is transcendent, I transcend time.

Because when I was young, I loved wrestling but the people I loved told me to shut up about it.

Because one of those people was my father. Because I was 5 and he asked if there was something else for me to think about.

Because I felt like no one was invested in my dreams. Because everyone tells me what they want for me but never asks me what I need.

Because when I was a sophomore in high school, my mom told me that I couldn't go and live with my dad.

Because when I graduated from high school, my mom told me that I couldn’t go to the school of my choice, just the one she saw fit for me to attend.

Because I never felt like I had peaked in accomplishments or prosperity. Because the love that I once gave, I never felt it embraced. Because you never walked with me.

Because you wouldn’t do for me what I would do for you.

I R Inner me needs more of God. Who am I without the Lord. Who can I run to…God?

I don’t have time to die. Don’t fight God’s presence; embrace it!

Present supersedes the past and future.

You never lost; you ’ ve always prospered. Just move, just go, God Will!

Demetrius

Stay calm and become the future.

I’ll tell you why I love…

Because I found your mom.

Because I never felt loved.

Because I want you to be everything that you want to be.

Because I have you here with me.

Because I enjoy seeing everyone smile.

Because I had so much hate growing up.

Because you make life easier.

Because you make me feel the best I’ve ever felt.

Because when you love someone it opens up doors to things you never thought possible.

Because I love being your father and making you smile.

I can take losing

I can take disrespect

I can take back talk

I can take hate

I can take love

I can take the world’s problems

I can take opportunities

I can take advice

I can take criticism

I can take emotional problems

I can take life

I can take advantages

I am from Wilcox, Adams, Monroe and Jackson

From Hot flamin and cheeses is bussin’

I am from off the street clubn where a kid can be a kid

I am from vacant lots playing tag, catch one catch all, and cop and robbers with bean poppers.

I’m from De’Andre and Destiny

From brotherly love and emotional love

And from where what I need they’d help me out

I’m from where if you don't stand for something you will fall for anything

And from "I don’t give a fuck about anything you said Fam."

I’m from MAAFA Redemption Project

I’m from the west side is the best side

From tastebuds, Baba’s and Church’s Chicken

From Lil Hulk, D-Mar, Tooly, Smitty, Skone and Shoe Game

I am from chillen

You can become whatever you want.

Forever is not forever, remember that!

Who am I; therefore I am.

They only love you when you ’ re dying.

Deon

Fight for power; become the future.

Kids, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I changed…

Because I had to grow up.

Because God showed me different.

Because I have a great family.

Because it’s tough.

Because you changed my life.

Because I got shot seven times.

Because I got tired of going to jail.

Because I lost loved ones.

Because I got my highschool diploma.

Because my relationship with you is great.

S Pain never lasts; elevate from it. Quit living life worrying; trust God

O I R

I was down, now I’m motivated. Last chance; trust family; keep calm. Get off your feet; get active. They always assume but know nothing. Why do I do this job?

A bumpy road ahead for everyone. Sometimes nothing is better than anything

D

Pop’s, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so hurt…

Because you ’ re gone, I had no discipline.

Because I never had my own dad to question.

Because I never got to show you my talents.

Because I blamed mama for your absence.

Because I never knew you.

Because I wanted to know the feeling of having a pop ’ s in my life

Because I followed your footsteps.

Because I looked for your guidance.

I can’t take judgment

I can accept opinions

I can’t accept being overlooked

I can’t accept my emotions

I can accept risks in the name of the Lord

I can’t accept the way people talk about me without even knowing me

I can accept sacrificing things for the better

We are put in a system where we lose and the owners of the whole operation win. From our clothes, food, movies, technology, we are being disconnected from God and the planet. White folks understand the connection we have with God and the planet.

This is a space bigger than us.

Because I watch you fight your whole life.

Because you saw no wrong in me.

Because you would’ve killed a brick about us.

Because you left and never came back.

Because you’ll never get to meet your grandchildren.

Because you took a piece of me that I can never get back.

Because you never got to see my accomplishments.

Because all we had was the weekend; now we have nothing.

H I N G S I C A N T A K E I can take a hit but I can’t take a life

I can take love but I can’t take hate

I can take noise but I can’t take loudness

I can take change but I can’t take change

I can take a smart mouth but I can’t take disrespect

I can take your girl but I can’t take her cheating on me

I can take opinions but I can’t take judgment

I can take Hip Hop but I can’t take Rock

I can take it to trial but I can’t take the stand

I am from 5500 Block

I am from potholes in the street

I am from throwing eggs and rocks at cars.

I am from hooping in the alley on a crate nailed to a tree or street pole.

I am from “be in the house by the time the street lights come on ” .

I’m from Sharita and Shirley because Glenn didn't raise me.

I’m from icy cups and hot chips with cheese and meat.

I’m from smoking nickles.

I’m from when we get in this store don't touch nothing, look at nothing.

I’m from God Almighty the most high.

I’m from cook county

I’m from west suburban

I am from an alcoholic.

I’m from Uncle Remus, Baba’s, Barney’s and Portillo’s.

I’m from 1 fight y ’all all fight.

I’m from “ on that car!”

I am going to swim with dolphins.

I am going to jump out of a place to feel the rush, the air slapping against my face, defying gravity.

I am going to Mount Rushmore to imagine my own face up there.

I am going to Africa to see my people and see how it looks for myself-not a “help the children” commercial.

I am going to get closer to God.

I am going to stay focused.

I am going to start fasting and praying more to get closer to God.

In the future I am going to start a movement to stop poverty, killings and to protect our children and women.

I am going to leave my kids my legacy, my love, peace of mind and a whole lotta money.

Only thing life guarantees is death.

Your view, my view, our view

You can’t have peace without freedom.

Freedom is life while chains are death.

Life is like a bag of chips.

Death is like an old tree stump.

Truth is freedom, lies are chains.

Everything is made possible with God.

Love is life, hate is death.

Jakie

The Devil burns souls that God doesn’t soothe

I am from South Englewood

From gunpowder in the air and bloody concrete

I am from decorative window panes

I am from outside, sunny skies and clear air.

I’m from my mother and myself

From being birthed and from incredibly loving.

I’m from “always watch your back” and from “stay safe at all times.”

I’m from a strong Christian faith

I’m from Chicago/Holy Cross

From soul food on Sundays

From my mother is my greatest inspiration

I am from a real, authentic hard knock environment.

H I N G S I C A N A N D C A N ’ T T A K E

I can take love

I can’t take fake love

I can take life with family

I can’t take a fixed mindset

I can take a growth mindset

I can’t take emotionless people

I can take emotional growth

I can’t take life without family

I can take learning lessons

I can’t take being broke

I can take brotherly love

I can’t take racial hate

Hello. My name is Jakie J. Ridley. I am the son of the most loving, blunt (real), helpful, beautiful and amazing mother a man can be blessed with. To me, my mother is more than a rock or an anchor, she is my tethering connection to this Earth. We’ve been through a lot too: fighting poverty, protecting each other (she protected me first until I was able to protect her), learning life's lessons and how to avoid negativity.

We’ve had our ups and downs as well. They made our bond stronger. She taught me to be truthful, knowledgeable, and attentive to life and progress. Truth be told, my mother could've left me and my siblings but she sacrificed her life for us. She dedicated her life to my life, not merely my survival in the streets of Chicago. I cannot make it without her! Period!

Without my mother’s love and affection I would be no good. I've come to learn that all I need is my MOMMY to have the strength of Superman. I just want to say that I love you with all my soul, ma! I know that I have to show you with my actions.

Thank you so much for being there for me.

Jay

Stay with hope, love, free, peace.

I can’t take love

I can’t take ignorance

I can’t take simple-minded people

I can’t take a nagging-ass person

I can’t take a loud ho

I can’t take a fake person

I can’t take a too tough person

I can’t take a disloyal-ass person

I can’t take a frontin’-ass person

I can’t take messy shit

I can’t take ho shit from men

Be careful with love because you can love somebody and not get the same love back. People in today’s world don’t really know about genuine love. The kind of love you get from your grandparents. A lot of people think that lust is love but it’s not. Love is a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion and commitment such as caring, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection, and trust. Lust is a part of love but it’s something you will feel when it’s the right time.

Jelani

I’m very loyal, humble with myself.

Grandma, since you asked, I'll tell you why I’m hurt…

Because Florence is supposed to be here.

Because you said you were gon ’ be here forever.

Because you never got the chance to meet your grandchildren.

Because you left my mother alone.

Because I miss your smile.

Because I miss coming to your house.

Because you showed me how to treat people.

Because I never said goodbye.

Because I miss your voice.

Jireh

Trying to make my mom happy.

My Mom always being there for me.

My daughter growing and needing my love.

My life getting on the right path.

God always being there when I need him.

Being a better person.

I’m a proud son trying to make my mom happy. My goal is to make my mom proud because I know I put her through a lot. I just want to show her I can change my ways. I want to show her I can do it on my own.

Juwaun “Coop” Muhammad

I deserve peace; I deserve love.

Grandma, since you asked I'll tell you why I'm so passionate.

Because you work two jobs.

Because my mother had me at 15 years old.

Because you lost your first grandson.

Because my aunt lost her first son.

Because our family is broken.

Because there are no men around.

Because you taught me to chase God’s heart.

Because I’m gifted.

Because I’m an empath.

Because I’m a big brother.

Because I'm zealous.

Because I have hope.

Because they told us we would never be shit!

Because they don’t care about us.

Because we ’ re not free!

Because we ’ re stolen people.

Because I want to be my higher self.

Because I want a virtuous wife and kids.

Because I need knowledge.

Because I love people.

Because I want to break our family curse.

Because I want to be the best man our bloodline has ever witnessed.

JUWAUN “COOP” MUHAMMAD

W H A T I C A N T A K E

I can take…

Good weed and good music

Opportunities

Constructive criticism

Love and gospel

Pain and growth

Ups and downs

Life, death and testimonies

Emotions and risks

Advice and help

Sacrifices and initiative

Brutal honesty and differences

Change, a hit, a loss

Heartbreak and failing because I know for sure

I’m getting back up again

JUWAUN “COOP” MUHAMMAD

I am from Lawless, the low end

From Christ the King and Majiid Al Hassan

I am from the hood, Marvin Gaye's "what’s going on, " incense, granny ’ s mac and cheese and Pops ‘73 Impala.

I am from rainy days and partially green grass. It was always raining and the grass was never fully green.

I’m from Ebony Muhammed and J Cooper

From illegally changing my name but never forgetting my father And from burning passion, charming actions

I’m from the decisions you make today will determine the foundation of your kids

And if a man doesn’t work he doesn’t eat.

I’m from “treat people how you want to be treated.”

I’m from bridging the gap. I’m from Egyptian musk.

I’m from fasting, keeping your gaze low and staying chiseled.

I’m from Chicago! Bronzeville to be exact!

From dirty rice, Harold’s, banana pudding and champagne

From Johnny D.

I am from grace and grit, peace and love and some whole other shit.

In thirteen days I'll be fasting for the month of Ramadan, one of my favorite times of the year. This year, I hope to have the best Ramadan I’ve ever experienced. Because I'm older, my preparations and goals are different this time around I’ve been fellowshipping with MAAFA, my Christian brothers, for the past seven months and I see this experience to be a huge component of my development as a true child of God.

This Ramadan I’m going hard! Up at 4am, reading my bible and Qur’an, working out consistently, eating properly, attending Masjid daily and most importantly, praying religiously.

Ramadan begins on March 22 and officially ends on April 22, my birthday. For that duration of time, my present to myself is to work hard everyday and strive to reach my highest spiritual self. I’m honing in on leadership and all the qualities that come with such a responsibility.

JUWAUN “COOP” MUHAMMAD

Lonnie

Lies don’t care who tells them.

Son, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so proud

Because you ’ re my son and I’ll always have your back.

Because I love you, son, I’ll never steer you wrong.

Because I wanted a daughter; I thought that raising a boy would be difficult.

Because I’m doing a good job loving you, it makes me proud to see your smile and dimples.

Because of your smile I’ll always go the extra mile.

Because your last name ’ s McClain that makes you my lil’ Swaine (you inherited my nickname).

Because of you, I know exactly what unconditional love is.

Because of you, I know exactly what a real hug is.

Because I believe in you, I want you to believe in yourself and always remember that you never fail until you stop trying.

Because I don't want you to ever forget that no matter what you go through in life, your Pops will always love you.

Randal

Exhale the bad, inhale the good.

Because you take too long doing simple stuff.

Because you pick yourself over other people.

Because you didn’t see your worth.

Because you don’t understand every situation.

Because you let your homie die.

Because you were never like that.

Because you think too simple minded.

Because you believe everyone too easily.

Because you know everything and still do wrong.

Because I never liked you!

Things I can’t take…

When a person steps on my shoe

When my bitch sneezes and you tell her “God bless you ” before I do

When people talk too much

When you sneeze really loud

When you cough without covering your mouth

The devil

Life without my family

Ugly grown females

Bad kids

A girl with no rhythm

A girl who doesn’t do it right

A girl who talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk

I am from Lafollette

I am from Laff Park, Ms. Griffin and playing basketball.

I’m from off Potomac by the green and white church

I am from the park with big trees and open fields with flowers

I'm from Randolph and Dede

From bullying people in the park

And from “have a soft heart but an iron fist.”

I’m from “stay out of grown folks business.”

And from “bring your big dumb ass here.”

I'm from God himself!

I'm from the west suburbs.

From Taylor Port and Milargo

From G-baby or Randallette

I am from turnt and unstable.

I always wanted to see big money because my motto is: See it, Touch it, Obtain it.

I want to go to Heaven because it’s a lot of real niggas and loved ones up there.

I'm looking forward to my birthday because I’m going to be 21 years old. My goal is to be stable in life.

I want to see a lot of people change their attitudes because if they did then the community would too.

I want to bless my son or daughter and give them my life lessons and morals.

I went all the way to Dolton for my sister's birthday party on November 23, 2022. During the party I got a text message to my android from a private number saying, “I’m gonna kill you. ”

I thought it was an empty death threat but it made me feel some kind of way. 45 minutes later, somebody came and shot the house up. They shot 2 of my friends and a girl. They shot my friend in the head and in the shoulder. They shot my homie in the side of his temple and back of his leg. The other lady got shot in her chest. At first we didn't know there were 3 people shot because that lady got shot in the car and Dolton has no trauma center. She ended up dying in the car.

People blame people to this day for this stuff. There's nothing anyone can do! We got shot! She had begged us not to go but we went anyway. We took an Uber there. I felt lost and confused at the moment. Then it dawned on me that they came to kill me. I've been feeling weird ever since. My sister passed out. She had a panic attack. We thought she was dead. When we went home, my mom had serious convo for me. She told me I can't go outside. We only have house parties now. It's just us now. That night I was high and numb. Right now, I'm grateful but depressed. They didn't deserve this. It's a trip.

BROKEN HEART

I got this broken heart when my twin sister passed away. I felt as if I needed to get something to immortalize her and how I was feeling. She was my whole heart and when she died it broke me into pieces.

OUCH

Today while playing basketball, I sat up to take my shot and I missed it. As I ran up to get my rebound and put the ball in the rim, I rolled my ankle and it was the worst thing I ever felt.

NO DISRESPECT

I was in the room with my brother playing music and chilling with our favorite friends when my mother took it upon herself to come into my room and yell at us. I tried to walk away from her but she took it as disrespect and before I could walk away, she had pulled my hair, dragged me in the room and told me to send they asses home.

You bleed to feel alive. Free to think, costs if you don't

Rashaad

God's Miracle child, a determined man

I am from the 1000 block of Kedvale in K Town. From jumping gates and climbing garages.

I am from an orange and red brick house with red overheading. I am from abandoned lots with garbage and grassy fields of dead dandelions.

I’m from Mae Smiley and Sharnonda Washington. From Christmas grab bags and extravagant Easter egg hunts. And from being outspoken, outgoing, creative and understanding.

I’m from “put that down” and “be quiet.”

And from “ go to school” and “ never let no one dictate your pace or movement.”

I'm from a house full of women dragging you to church with them. I'm from Rush and Oak Park.

From ribs, chicken, Dusse, Bellaire and card games. From Rasta and Sharnonda.

I am from a grateful and happy place from out west ....…despite what you heard!

Reheem

Jumping over mountains; falling in valleys.

Clarence, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I feel betrayed

Because you drank milk after you ate chili.

Because my show ended.

Because when they made a reboot, it was trash.

Because when I pet my cat it bit me.

Because when I got in the tub it was cold.

Because when you gave me ice cream it was chocolate.

Because someone messed up my order.

Because my pencils broke.

Because you say that I cheat in Uno.

Because you deleted my saved file.

’ T T A K E

I can’t take green apples

I can’t take stress

I can’t take bright lights

I can’t take chocolate ice cream

I can’t take overly sour food

I can’t take cornbread

I can’t take when people touch the top of my head

I can’t take loud noises

I can’t take when someone falls asleep on a movie and then wakes up asking to watch it again

I am from the street the cars come from.

I am from the ground where it’s both dark and filled with different colors.

I’m from Clarence and Sadie.

From riding bikes.

I’m from where people tell you to look both ways. And from where not to miss what was said.

I’m from where I believe in God.

I’m from Chicago.

A time I felt safe is when I was on the front porch in the Summer sitting in a chair with a cold drink in my hand. The Sun was beaming down on me and there was a slight breeze. I was watching people and cars go by but there were very few birds flying around tweeting.

I

I was then but here now.

A scary beginning; a street ending.

A cloudy day; a clear night.

7 for Luke, 7 for Suzy.

Jumping over mountains; falling in valleys.

Sun shows success; you still burn.

Before nervous, now happy and proud.

Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I needed help…

Because I couldn’t help at the moment.

Because I couldn't work at the time.

Because I couldn’t understand things.

Because I couldn’t ask anybody for help.

Because I couldn’t sell things.

Because it wasn’t enough.

Because I couldn't believe I was a fool.

Because I couldn't imagine my future.

Because I couldn’t live like this no more.

Because I couldn't motivate myself.

Because I couldn't make them happy.

I am from Chicago, wild city.

From watching violence and families crying.

I am from where gunshots go off every night.

I am from a mother who was born in Mexico.

I’m from Mama and my sister

From family memories.

I’m from “treat others the way you want to be treated.”

And from home cooking.

I’m from MAAFA, who believes in making a difference.

I'm from Chicago.

I’m from coffee and family movies.

My stomach was hurting really bad so I went to the hospital. The doctor told me that I needed to have my gallbladder removed soon or I would continue to have pain and other problems down the line. That news troubled me and I became emotional and nervous. I called my mother and my sister because I knew that they were the only ones who would be there to support me. I agreed to the surgery and they removed my gallbladder.

After the surgery, my mother and sister were right there sitting beside me. Deep in my heart all I wanted God to do was to deliver me and let me open my eyes to see the two people that I know will always be by my side through thick and thin or worse. True love sticks by your side.

KEEPING AN OPEN MIND

It’s hard sometimes. There are things that I don’t want to speak about. However, in times when I do open myself up, I feel like I realize myself and I feel good about expressing myself.

CHILDHOOD LIFE

As a child I always loved cartoons. They made me laugh and smile. I would especially like it when I watched them with friends. At night, we would still be watching them quietly so we wouldn’t wake anybody up.

COMING HOME FROM PRISON

I did a five year bid. Before coming home from prison, I used to sit in my cell thinking about what people would say about me when I get out. Things like: “he’s always getting into trouble,” “he never listens,” “he’s always breaking the law,” “he never pays attention to anything.”

STRUGGLE

Coming back home from prison, I thought everything was gon ’ be all good. I had no idea how much it was going to be a huge struggle. I needed money fast to help myself and my family out with the things we needed. However, I told myself that I would never put myself at risk to leave my family alone again.

THE HOPE OF THE CITY OF CHICAGO

Is to give people with criminal histories more chances to succeed. We know our city and the problems that we face and how we struggle with doing the right things as opposed to the wrong ones. But we have to become better.

A BAD PHONE CALL

We were teenagers. Me, my brother and sister. There were always shootings and violence going on in the ‘hood 24/7. I was always nervous because friends would get shot inside their cars or in front of their houses. One night I got a call, a bad call. They told me that my brother got shot in the head two blocks away from our house. I rushed over to be with him but my sister was unaware that I did. I remember my mother calling my sister to find out if everything was ok. My brother being shot was bad but telling my mother what happened was even worse. It broke my heart! My brother’s shooting hit us hard in our hearts.

Ronail

Bless everyone, so they can be someone else's blessing

My fear is gaining. The young ones out here banging. I listen to my elders as they speak on how much this world has been changing. More guns start raising, Momma's gotta pray! But have no control of what her child does outside of her home or outside of her presence. And fathers out here tryna teach a better route of structure or influence the wrong route. But when u older all yo ’ parents can do is support and pray. Now the streets getting cold, hearts being put to froze, regretting or missing the loved ones that's gone.

I walk down the street and pray to make it back home. I move in silence. I stay away from gun violence. The unexpected can be inspiring. Giving you hope to keep rising and shining. Now that might seem surprising. But your mind starts to change when you feel a type of way from everything through the way. Doing drugs to try to recover from the pain. The reason they kill is because some mistreat them and abuse them. Might be a person you know who influenced them. You become numb to situations so much so, it don't be surprising.

Use to say more now you walk around real silent. Looks can be deceiving, no telling who’s violent. That's why it's too much racial profiling. So much it stops the kids from smiling; makes them more influenced to violence. My parents lecturing me about my wildin’. They began to hurt; wasn't smiling. Made me reroute to make choices to make them smile but I didn't do it to make them proud. I did it because I have dreams and accomplishments. Be the one who handles things. The one that's gon ’ stand on it! Tryna be the best I can be; staying out these streets.

So I won't betray our ancestors. Being the white man ’ s slave, telling you how to behave, when u can bathe, locked up in chains, in groups of gangs! Receive commissary or eat slop day after day. What would our powerful, outspoken, visualist civil rights activist say? Think they will feel betrayed? They fought for us to get out of segregation, not for us to segregate ourselves into gangs and neighborhoods, which for some they have become boundaries to growth.

They wouldn't really understand today. From their era, as older people, they compare their generation to ours, saying "back in my day, we used our fist" which means they settled their problems out fairly. Now, today, you think hard about “fair.”

While they use pistols with extended clips for someone to slip without the heat. Most try to keep up with the fashion to look like they are more taken care of than others. Or u can call it "juice.” Also, many chase clout to amuse. Until it fires back and it becomes trouble. Maybe someone familiar or a stranger. Never know! What if the situation switches position and you get joked and laughed at? But forget that I put on my thinking face. Brainstorming to help me get away from these dirty streets where you get awakened in your sleep by bullets and police.

R.I.P to the good ones that’s not here with me. The reason ain't no fun no mo ’ . Many memories crumbled. Someone taking that bond you shared; a piece from a mother's heart would never be no mo ’ . One day we’ll see when we get older, let the time run and learn from our mistakes in order to prevent repeating them for ourselves and our kids' lives.

What I like about the Authors Circle is that we share our own thoughts whether they are wrong, right, weird, even mind blowing. We sit and bond and feel other people’s pain, learn from their experiences. Everyone is useful for their own purpose. We all have one, just need a push and an environment that cares about you. When you ’ re wrong, if no one gone tell you, who will? We don’t have to listen, but another voice is always something to hear. I pray God bless everyone with wealth and lessons so they can be someone else’s blessings.

WHAT IS THE HOPE OF NEXT MONTH?

My hope is to master my school lessons with social media such as recording and editing, bringing new ideas to my surroundings and learning to work with and push others.To stay focused starting with myself and giving different interpretations to what has been shown and given to us, reaching outside the box.

WHERE I’M GOING

I’ve always been interested in traveling. I want to build a great media company and grow it into a multimillion dollar business where my family and I can build generational wealth. I want to make sure that I leave a legacy, especially for my daughter.

I went to the hospital to see my grandad and the doctors told me to wait. While I was waiting, I got a call from a family member telling me that he was dead. I felt sick! Working in a hospital brings back the trauma of that situation. It makes me uncomfortable and brings back hurtful memories because my grandad and I were not on good terms when he died. Today, I can often still hear his voice.I made up the work and my teachers sent me an email telling me how proud they were of me for coming back to school and finishing my work.

Shaun

Since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so sad…

Because Ace is supposed to be here.

Because I never got to meet my mother.

Because I know better

Because I saw the casket close.

Because I went to jail.

Because I got old.

Because it’s emotional.

Because I lied too.

Because she had an abortion.

Squeakey

I am a real humble person.

My voice been squeaky since birth. Squeakey-

T T A K E

Things I can’t take…

Broke bitches

Candy from the store

Snitchin’

A woman not watchin’ her kids

Drunk people

Dirty dishes

Dirty clothes

Mice and rats

A loud woman

My phone being turned off

I am from the Austin community.

I’m from Shoonie and baby D.

From basketball.

I’m from “ come in the house on time.”

And from “do your homework first before you go outside.”

I’m from Christ.

I’m from Chicago.

From chicken and steak.

From Dre Money and Squeakey.

I am from good.

I was asleep and my ex-girlfriend called me and asked me if I were ok. I was like, “yeah, I’m good.” Then she started telling me that she’s sorry for my loss. “What loss you talkin’ ‘bout,” I asked. “Your uncle Jelly,” she responded. “He passed away. ” “No he ain’t,” I told her. “He’s downstairs outside with his homies.” Confused, I got off the phone with her and called my granny to ask her if there was any truth to the matter. It was.

My uncle Jelly was gone.

SQUEAKEY CANDY STORE

My grandma worked at the candy store when I was in grammar school and it made me want to get my shit together at school.

LOVE

Love is a beautiful thing when both of y ’all have butterflies in your stomach for each other or can’t go a day without seeing each other. When two people have the same energy for each other everyday is love.

GETTING BACK ON TRACK

I was about to get kicked out of high school for fighting so my grandmother wrote a letter to the school to prevent that from happening. It worked. I didn’t get kicked out. When I returned to school, I had a lot of school work to make up in order to advance to my senior year.

I made up the work and my teachers sent me an email telling me how proud they were of me for coming back to school and finishing my work.

Taye

Time will never stop; changes as you go.

Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so disappointed… Because you are a beautiful, strong, highly intelligent woman who I know can do great things.

Because you put all your boyfriends before us. Because we want nothing but the best for you. Because you gotta love yourself and live your life. Because we grew up angry and embarrassed. Because we were struggling.

Because we knew you were going through a lot. Because whatever you going through, we going through. Because we want you to be happy and healthy. Because we don't wanna be mad or disappointed in you.

Born at night; I am the light.

D Bro, since you asked, I'ma tell you why we were never locked in…

Because I wanted a better relationship

Because why we don’t talk?

Because we go left!

Because I'm lost.

Because of what happened to us.

Because it’s life.

Because I understand.

Because I forgive you, it’s cool.

So last night I was at the slot with some lil’ breezy’s just chilling. There was a table full of money that I was counting. Suddenly, the alarm went off and it was all gone. Reality’s a bitch! Fuck dreams!

Born into darkness,then came light.

MAAFAAUTHORS ATTHETABLE

To learn more about our work, read memoirs, and other compilations written by our Authors visit: www contextos org

Front cover image by Naimah Thomas

Photographs by Dimitri Hepburn

Book design by Naimah Thomas