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my husband is jealous of our child dealing with door-slamming
teenagers why children don’t need perfect parents leaving facebook
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May 2015
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morning sickness relief from that queasy feeling
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stress-free school applications where do phobias come from? parent-friendly malls
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entertainment
I’m inspired by motherhood... But all the dreams and plans in the world will never fully prepare you for it. While the birth of a baby brings immense relief and elation, it also ushers a complete upheaval into your life. How many moms have said, “Once the baby’s born, I’ll lose weight, take up yoga, running or a new craft” or “We’ll take that trip we always wanted to”? How many moms fully intend to return to work at the end of their maternity leave, only to find the direction of their lives changed by this brand-new life? For many women, motherhood is the catalyst that steers them toward new and better things, an inspiration to forge a different lifestyle or career choice. Twelve years ago, the birth of Robyn motivated me to start Child magazine. Paging through this month’s issue I am in awe of all the moms, similarly spurred on by motherhood, who display their beautiful products and services, offering support, fun food or party ideas, and décor, educational and entertainment solutions. With plenty of hard work and a good dose of admin, these women are living their dreams. Motherhood may have inspired them, but each month they leave me animated and encourage thousands of other moms reading Child magazine to follow their passion and hopefully find a little balance. Doing what you love is what’s really important; sometimes it takes a baby to get you there. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there who mean so very much to us. We love you.
Lisa Mc Namara Publisher
Hunter House P UB L IS H ING
Publisher Lisa Mc Namara • lisa@childmag.co.za
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Pretoria’s Child magazineTM is published monthly by Hunter House Publishing, PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010. Office address: Unit 5, First Floor, Bentley Office Park, cnr Rivonia and Wessel Rd, Rivonia. Tel: 011 807 6449, fax: 011 234 4971, email: info@childmag.co.za. Annual subscriptions (for 11 issues) cost R165, including VAT and postage inside SA. Printed by Paarl Web. Copyright subsists in all work published in Pretoria’s Child magazineTM. We welcome submissions but retain the unrestricted right to change any received copy. We are under no obligation to return unsolicited copy. The magazine, or part thereof, may not be reproduced or adapted without the prior written permission of the publisher. We take care to ensure our articles are accurate and balanced but cannot accept responsibility for loss or damage that may arise from reading them.
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May 2015
3
contents may 2015
12 regulars
3 a note from lisa 5 over to you readers respond
features 12 good enough mothers Meg Faure tackles the hot topic of maternal guilt
14 securing the right school it’s a battlefield out there trying to get your child into your school of choice. Anél Lewis looks for some direction
17 leaving facebook Megan Hjelm enjoys “real life” again after quitting this social media platform for good
18 only the best mouthwatering recipe ideas for Mother’s Day from Best Recipes, a new cookbook compiled by Christelle Erasmus
20 my husband is jealous of our child! what happens if a child drives a wedge between parents? Elaine Powell looks for answers
22 i hate you, mom! Gary Koen looks at the often volatile relationship between parents and teenagers
health
8 pregnancy news – constantly queasy morning sickness can be debilitating. Lucille Kemp looks at ways to find relief
9 best for baby – feeding on demand when is the right time to feed your baby? Ruwaydah Harris asks experts
10 dealing with difference – when fear takes over you can help your child with his phobias if you confront your own fears, says Samantha Page
23 a good read for the whole family 24 resource – convenience shopping here is a list of baby- and child-friendly malls, compiled by Simone Jeffery
26 what’s on in may 30 finishing touch Anél Lewis and her family went camping for the first time. She shares the highs... and a few lows
classified ads 29 let’s party
6 giving life Tamlyn Vincent explains blood types and how to donate blood
30 family marketplace
this month’s cover images are supplied by:
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May 2015
Joburg
Cape Town
Durban
Pretoria
Twinkle Star Photography twinklestar.co.za
Claudia De Nobrega Photography claudiadenobrega.com
Jana Lubbe Photography janalubbe.com
Claudia De Nobrega Photography claudiadenobrega.com
magazine pretoria
letters
putting pen to paper I found your publisher’s note on “how putting pen to paper makes you more creative” and the article on cursive writing by Marina Zietsman most interesting (Child magazine April 2015). As an educator for many years, I saw the benefit of handwriting skills and encouraged the learners to persevere with cursive writing as long as possible. The photograph you used in the article was taken at Holy Family College (The old Parktown Convent in Oxford Road) on one of our Heritage Foundation Tours. The Johannesburg Heritage Foundation does tours there for children from Grades 3–5 and we recognised the white pinafores they wear, the worksheet used and the dipping pen. It is a great experience where the children sit in an Edwardian classroom to learn what school was like long ago and it is here that they learn how to write in cursive with a dipping pen and ink. A short lesson on the history of Joburg is also given and they do a tour around the beautiful old building, which was built in 1905. They also decorate folders in which to keep the worksheets they have completed, which reinforces learning. Brenda Adam It’s funny how just yesterday I was trying to write in cursive and thought to myself: “I wonder why we were
taught to write in cursive at school and the reasoning behind it.” Thank you for a very insightful article. Kim Francke Braaf
thanks child mag I loved the “lekker lunchboxes” article. It’s simple, and I’m definitely going to try these out. Lee-Ann D Strachan I want to thank you for the delivery of Child magazine to our school. The parents, teachers and pupils love reading your magazine. Awesome work and well done to you and your team. Ms Samantha Nel – Willow View Academy, part of PLG Schools South Africa I love your magazine. I even like the way it is printed, and the pictures, everything... it’s just a great magazine. Magauta Twala
that’s the spirit My seven-year-old son joined a soccer club recently, and while knowing that it will cost me a pretty penny and that two week nights and most Saturdays will now be “lost” to me, I quite proudly joined the soccer-mom group. When he wore his full kit for the first time, and looked so proud
over to you online comments in response to the books blog “rhyme away” Rhymes are so important for developing language and reading. They also teach pitch, volume and voice inflection, not to mention patterns, memorisation and sequencing. These are literally the cornerstones of reading and cognitive skills. The Book Tree My son and I love Dr Seuss movies. He watches The Lorax over and over again. Bejanka in response to “overcoming dyslexia” I have a 12 year old and her independent school recommended we take her to a remedial school. I am also dyslexic, and at the time of decision making, I was young and had no experience with South African schools. We took her out and placed her in the remedial school, and it was the worst thing I could have done for my child’s social development. It might have helped her with learning, but it turned a perfectly normal, popular girl into a 12 year old who hardly has any friends, and cannot play sports because of the demands of school and travel time. I so want
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(I thought “cute”, but wouldn’t say it out loud), I knew it was the right decision. Come the first practice session, my son was clearly exhausted, running around for an hour and a half. But he was also disappointed, because as the new boy in the team, the others looked a lot more skilled than he did in passing the ball and kicking for goal. I could sense tears coming, and that’s exactly what happened as we drove home. He was sobbing, convinced that the goal “was skew”, and that we should have signed him up ages ago, “then he would also be good with the ball”. I lightly pointed out to him that he doesn’t have to go back if it’s such “torture”, which brought on more sobs, because he wanted to go back. My husband and I have taught him since a young age to never give up, and this time I could really see that this life lesson had taken root. Not long after this incident, he decided to practise with the ball every day. And when the first match day loomed, he confidently confided in me that if they lose, it’s not the end of the world and “better luck next time”, and if they win, “they must keep up the good work”. When I told his uncle that he complained about the goal “being skew”, he quickly reprimanded me that he didn’t say that, but only meant “that maybe they could make the goal a bit bigger”. As cute (proud) as he looks in his club gear, I am all the more proud of him for not giving up. Nicky
Let us know what’s on your mind. Send your letters or comments to marina@childmag.co.za or PO Box 12002, Mill Street, 8010.
her to go back to a mainstream school so that she can have a normal childhood, but none of the schools want to give her a chance. This is really disgusting and I am wondering where love and compassion for our children have gone. It’s important that everyone receives quality education. Moreover, not everyone is the same and we need to be accepting of those who are different. Anonymous
in response to “family adventure in North America” It was so great to read this article and just such a coincidence that it appeared in the April issue of Child magazine. My husband and I decided a few weeks before reading this piece that we want to take a trip with our girls (aged four and five) from end June returning end September, travelling through the US. Debbie Gold
Brain scan research has showed in proficient readers that the areas of the brain that process visual and auditory information, as well as the pathways that link them, are activated simultaneously during efficient reading. For a dyslexic reader, these same areas are not activated, resulting in laboured reading. There are revolutionary reading programmes that activate all of these areas, resulting in as much as a 24-month improvement in decoding ability over 10 hours. Children with difficulties often have a high IQ and put in so much hard work that it is imperative that concessions of a reader/extra time/ spelling are put in place in tests and exams so that a child with difficulties sees his results reflecting his cognitive ability and the effort he is putting in. Angela Prinsloo
in response to “separation anxiety” I am so relieved to read this article. I have been experiencing the same thing with my four year old. He was woken one night to fetch me and his baby brother from the hospital. Ever since then he won’t sleep without me or his dad sleeping next to him or with the door ajar. I sincerely hope in time he will get over his fear of separation. Anonymous subscribe to our newsletter and win Our wins have moved online. Please subscribe to our newsletter and enter our weekly competitions. To subscribe, visit childmag.co.za
We reserve the right to edit and shorten submitted letters. The opinions reflected here are those of our readers and are not necessarily held by Hunter House Publishing.
Post a comment online at childmag.co.za
May 2015
5
health
blood types
life
June is National Blood Donor Month. Here’s what you need to know about your blood and how to donate it. By TAMLYN VINCENT
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May 2015
know your type • It’s important to know your blood type because it saves time in an emergency. Hospitals will usually test your blood to determine your type, but if you have it written down with other emergency information, doctors can treat you faster. • Studies show that people with certain blood types are more predisposed to certain illnesses. Types AB, A and B, for example, are at an increased risk of heart disease. Knowing your blood type won’t decrease the risk, but it can help you look out for symptoms and encourage you to lead a healthier lifestyle by exercising and following a healthy diet. • Many people, including children with cancer and blood disorders, depend on blood donations to survive. Some blood types are also in high demand, so knowing your type could mean you are able to save more lives. Vanessa Raju of the South African National Blood Service (SANBS) says people belonging to A and AB blood groups are encouraged to become platelet donors, due to the high number of people in these groups.
did you know? Blood typing used to be a condition for getting a marriage license in some places. This was to ensure that the couple’s blood would be compatible when having children. Incompatible blood could result in a child getting Rh disease or other blood complications.
less than 1%
of the South African population donates blood regularly.
magazine pretoria
ILLUSTRATIONS: shutterstock.com
giving
Your blood type is determined by which antigens and antibodies are, or are not, present. These are allergens on the red blood cells and in the plasma. For example, if your blood type is A, you have the A antigen on your red blood cells and the B antibody in your plasma. If you belong to the O group, you have neither A nor B antigens on your red blood cells, but you have both A and B antibodies in your plasma. The Rh factor is also an antigen. Those who have it are Rh+ and those who don’t are Rh-. If you receive blood that is different to yours, you can have an allergic response to the antigens. This is one reason it’s important to know your blood type. This also means that people with O blood are universal red cell donors, as their red blood cells have no antigens so cannot trigger an allergic response. Those with AB+ blood are universal plasma donors.
donating 101 Who can donate? Blood donors must be between the ages of 16 and 65, weigh more than 50kg and practise safe sex. How does it work? When donating blood, one pint of blood (about 480ml) is taken, which is the legal limit. The needles and other equipment are sterile and used only once. Each pint of blood is tested for HIV, hepatitis B and C, and syphilis. The first time you donate, your red blood cells won’t be used but the plasma will be stored until your second donation. After three donations, if your blood still tests negative, all parts of your blood will be used. If you haven’t donated blood for a while, the whole process starts again. How often can you donate? A regular donor is someone who donates at least three times a year. Once you have donated, you need to wait at least 56 days before donating again.
Can I donate blood for my own use? Once you have donated blood, it is collected and used for patients. However, autologous and designated donation can be arranged through your doctor. Autologous donation lets you donate your own blood prior to surgery, while designated donation is when you donate blood for a friend or family member’s use, given you have the same blood type. Because special collection, storage and testing are required, this can be costly and time-consuming.
who needs your blood? The SANBS says that donated blood typically goes to the following patients:
Most people donate whole blood, which can be split into three parts: Red blood cells These transport oxygen to the lungs. If someone can’t produce enough red blood cells, they will be anaemic and will need red blood cell transfusions. Platelets These are cell fragments that circulate in the blood. When you injure yourself, platelets collect at the site and create a plug to stop bleeding. “Cancer patients may need platelet transfusions if their bone marrow is not making enough, which can happen when bone marrow cells are damaged by chemo or radiation therapy, or when they are crowded out of the bone marrow by cancer cells,” says Raju. Plasma This is often given to patients who are bleeding because their blood is not clotting properly. Plasma is a fluid that carries other cells around the body.
• People who have had an accident and have lost blood
How long does blood last? Red blood cells can last for up to 42 days, says Raju, and plasma, if frozen, can last for up to three years. But platelets only last for five days. “If new babies need blood, they need fresh blood, so a daily collection is needed,” adds Raju.
the receiving end
• Pregnant women who have haemorrhaged
because
of complications • People in surgeries • Children and adults with cancer
and
leukaemia,
and those who need bone
national blood services The Western Province Blood Transfusion Service provides blood services to the Western Cape. Contact: 021 507 6300 or visit wpblood.org.za
The SANBS caters to South Africa, excluding the Western Cape. Contact: 011 761 9000 or visit sanbs.org.za Both are non-profit, independent organisations.
marrow transplants. Information courtesy of the South African National Blood Service.
magazine pretoria
May 2015
7
pregnancy news
relief
constantly
queasy
LUCILLE KEMP looks at ways to help you find relief from
c
morning sickness.
ape Town-based obstetrician Dr Grace Bovier* says that morning sickness, or nausea and vomiting in pregnancy (NVP), is thought to be associated with rising levels of the pregnancy hormone, human chorionic gonadotrophin and/or rising oestrogen levels. “Women who experience reflux and indigestion when they are not pregnant tend to be more prone to morning sickness during pregnancy, as are women who suffer from motion sickness. Those women who are
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May 2015
Diet Meals and snacks should be small and eaten slowly, bland food is often recommended and protein snacks have proven to be helpful. “Women need to figure out what they tolerate best and eat those things without worrying too much about whether they are healthy or not,” advises Bovier. Fluids should be taken between meals and are better tolerated if they are cold, clear and carbonated; these may include drinks such as ginger beer or ginger ale, sports drinks, lemonade and mint tea. Avoid triggers Smells, smoke, heat, motion from being in a car or lift, stuffy rooms and not enough rest are common triggers. Non-drug treatments Hypnosis, acupuncture and acupressure can create relief, and counselling may be helpful, especially if anxiety and stress are contributing factors. Complementary, homeopathic and natural medications Food or supplements containing ginger, antianxiety supplements, vitamin B6 and the homeopathic remedy sepia in a 30CH potency are a few options that women have found to be helpful. Drug treatment If none of the above treatments are successful, a woman must consult her doctor for antinausea medication.
a rare case of severity Morning sickness does not normally cause problems for the baby. If, however, a woman suffers from hyperemesis gravidarum, which is a very extreme form of morning sickness that comes with weight loss, dehydration and electrolyte and mineral disturbances, and requires hospital admission, the baby may be affected. Bovier once had a patient who, in her third pregnancy, had such persistent nausea and vomiting she spent more time in hospital than at home, for intravenous therapy. The mom became so desperate that she begged for her baby to be delivered. “After much discussion between me, the patient, her husband and the paediatrician, an amniocentesis was performed to make sure the baby was mature enough to be born and delivery took place at 36 weeks.” This is the only time Bovier has had to deliver a baby to cure a mom’s morning sickness, so rest assured that this variety of morning sickness is rare. *Name has been changed.
did you know? Couvade syndrome is a psychosomatic condition where the partner of a pregnant woman experiences actual symptoms of childbirth or pregnancy. Along with morning sickness, the partner’s symptoms include abdominal pain and bloating, back pain, phantom pregnancy, lethargy, toothache, food cravings, aversions and antenatal depression. Studies have found the incidence of sympathy pregnancy among men with a pregnant partner to be 25% to 52% in the US, 20% in Sweden and an estimated 61% in Thailand.
magazine pretoria
PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com
naturally more sensitive to smells also tend to have a more difficult time with morning sickness during pregnancy,” says Bovier. Social, cultural and psychological (depression, anxiety and stress) factors will make morning sickness worse, according to Bovier, and pregnant women with conditions such as certain placental diseases, which produce higher-than-normal hormone levels, will probably suffer from morning sickness.
best for baby
feeding on demand Should you feed your baby whenever she cries? RUWAYDAH HARRIS asks two baby experts for their advice.
PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM
t
he question of how to approach baby feeding has been a controversial conundrum and an emotive issue: is it okay to treat it like a 24-hour all-you-can-eat-buffet (feed on demand), or is it better to only feed at set times? “Feeding on demand is entirely appropriate for the first three to four months of life when a baby’s brain and tummy are still very immature,” explains paediatrician Dr Claudia Gray. “This period has been dubbed the ‘fourth trimester’ and your baby is not yet able to manipulate you, so it’s not really possible to ‘spoil’ a baby during this time.” She adds that the first few months are vital for establishing a bond with your baby and a relationship of trust as the baby needs to know that warmth, food and cuddles will come his way when he needs them. Sister Ann Richardson, a paediatric nurse and co-author of the Baby Sense and Toddler Sense books, says during the newborn phase “demand and frequent feeding stimulates milk supply and helps the uterus to contract to prevent postpartum bleeding”. She suggests, however, that once your baby has a clean bill of health and the milk supply is established, the idea of “separating calories from comfort” should apply, because babies who are always fed to comfort them do not learn the art of self-soothing, which is essential to grow contentment and healthy sleep. “Demand-feeding can lead to overfeeding, which can exacerbate colic or reflux,” Richardson says. It is important to get the cues for hunger right, says Gray. “If milk is offered for every niggle, the baby may end up with a huge digestive load and a sore tummy (some niggles
magazine pretoria
feeding basics Babies will always suck on their hands to soothe themselves – whether they are hungry or not, says Sister Ann Richardson. Although she cautions against overfeeding, she does not agree with a rigid feeding schedule either. Richardson suggests you keep feeding times flexible between two and four hours and separate calories from comfort from the get-go. • Work with a flexible timeframe. If it’s less than two hours since the last feed, it’s unlikely your baby is really hungry. She may just be looking for some comfort such as rocking, cuddling and some sucking to calm her. • If it’s more than two hours since the last feed, then feed. Never leave your baby longer than four hours without a feed. • Provided your baby is healthy and growing, the use of dummies (or even Mom or Dad’s finger), as a non-nutritive sucking measure to help calm, works well. • Never restrict feeds, nor force-feed.
may in fact be a wind or tiredness rather than hunger). The hungry baby typically begins to fuss, puts the fists in the mouth, starts with a little moan, then crescendoes progressively into a full-blown cry. A baby in discomfort often grunts ‘eh-eh’ but does not crescendo steadily as in hunger,” explains Gray. She suggests you take note of the time between feeds to estimate when your baby may be ready for a feed. Regular weight checks are also important as a guide to whether or not the baby may be under- or overfeeding.
May 2015
9
dealing with difference
when takes over
fear
Whether your child is afraid of spiders, snakes or the sensation of grass underfoot, there are effective ways of dealing with these phobias. SAMANTHA PAGE believes you can allay their fears by confronting your own.
a
t a recent wedding, as guests of the bride and groom filed into the church and took their seats amid flowers and familiar love songs, the scene was set for a day of romance. A sudden flurry of activity alerted the congregation to the arrival of the bride and – my favourite part – that first glance of the soon-to-be wife. My reverie was short-lived, however, because that’s when I heard the bloodcurdling screams from the two year old at the back of the church. It seems, from what I was later told, that the sight of the veiled woman in white was like seeing Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street. The child’s mother has subsequently declared weddings – at least the church part – off the agenda for now because her toddler was genuinely scared out of her wits by brides, veils and volumes of tulle. It’s not easy moving through the world when you’re terrified, whether you’re afraid of monsters under your bed, creepy goggas or wedding veils, and while the behaviour may seem extreme and baffling to others, it’s deadly serious to whoever is experiencing the perceived threat. According to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (Sadag), as many as 8% to 11% of children and adolescents suffer from an anxiety that affects their ability to get on with their lives. “We all have fears,” points out Doug Symons, a clinical child psychologist at Acadia University in Canada. “When they’re excessive and begin to interfere with your life, we define them as phobias.” It’s not surprising that, on average, about one in 30 children will develop a genuine phobia that meets the diagnostic criteria. These fears are persistent, last several months and could affect everyday activities, such as playing, going to school and interacting with others. They can also develop at any time and persist for a lifetime. Thirty-year-old Tania, for example, loved dogs when she was a toddler until she was attacked by one when she was five years old. Today, she still breaks out in a cold sweat when she sees dogs and gives them a wide berth if she encounters them. “After all these years, I still experience an overwhelming need to flee when I come into contact with dogs,” she says.
According to psychologist David H Barlow, director of the Centre for Anxiety and Related Disorders at Boston University, writing for Time magazine, modern people learnt what to be afraid of and how to handle it from their ancient ancestors, but while our distant ancestors may predispose us to phobias, it’s our immediate ancestors – specifically our parents – who seal the deal. He noted that as many as 40% of all people suffering from a specific phobia have at least one phobic parent, which is seemingly a clue that phobias could be genetically influenced. There is as much data that suggests that watching Mom or Dad react with exaggerated terror at a cockroach is the kind of conditioning that can also create a bona fide fear. In a 2011 study conducted at Rutgers University in the US, experts determined that we learn an aversion to creepy crawlies in the first years of our life. During the experiment, seven-month-old babies were shown two videos, side by side, one of a snake and another of a non-threatening animal. At the same time, the babies were played a recording of either a fearful human voice or a happy one. The infants spent more time focused on the snake videos when listening to the fearful voices but showed no signs of being afraid, the researchers reported in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science.
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May 2015
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PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM
from parent to child
8–11% 40%
of children and adolescents suffer from an anxiety that affects their ability to get on with their lives.
of all people suffering from a specific phobia have at least one phobic parent.
In phase two of the study, three year olds were shown a screen of nine photographs and told to pick out a named object. They identified snakes more readily than flowers, and more quickly than other animals that looked similar to snakes, such as caterpillars and frogs. The children who were afraid of snakes were just as fast at picking them out as children who had not developed a snake phobia. “What we’re suggesting,” says Dr Vanessa LoBue, an author of the paper, “is that we have these biases to detect things like snakes and spiders really quickly, and to associate them with things that are yucky or bad, like a fearful voice.” Cape Town mother of two Lori Cohen makes a strong case for teaching her children to have rational fears. “They need to know it’s okay to be frightened of things, but I also encourage them to try anything once. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to do it again, but I’d never force them to pick up a snake if they didn’t want to. I’m not thrilled about holding reptiles, but I do it to show my children that I also try things I’m scared of, and it has helped me overcome my fears.”
face your fears Clinical psychologist Beverly H Smolyansky gives five steps to help you manage your child’s anxieties: Validate Your child’s perception is his reality. Dismissing or downplaying his fear might make him feel worse. Try to justify his feelings without saying it’s right or wrong. Model calm behaviour Children pick up when their parents are anxious or afraid, so if you jump on a chair when you see a spider, it’s going to be difficult for your child to overcome his fear. Try to remain calm and mimic positive behaviour. Educate yourself and your child Children and adults feel better equipped to handle the unknown or unexpected when they’re educated on the topic. Do the research and discuss your findings. It may allay both your anxieties. Teach positive self-talk When you and your child encounter a bug and she shows fear, try to rationalise with her. Ask her who’s bigger, her or the bug? Who’s stronger? And give her the words to say to herself: “I can do this. It’s just a little bug.” Start off by observing Watching an insect and seeing what it does is a great way to expose your child to it without it being an overwhelming experience. Don’t try to force him to let a spider walk on his hand or make him climb to the top of the monkey bars. Exposure should always be done methodically.
1 2 3 4 5
Remember that while childhood fears are fairly common, if it’s debilitating in any way, it’s probably best to get help. The best place to start is with your paediatrician, who may refer you to a clinical psychologist. magazine pretoria
May 2015
11
parenting
good enough mothers It’s really okay to drop the ball once in a while. MEG FAURE explains how moms can shake off their own expectations for perfection and ditch the maternal guilt.
why the guilt? All parents experience a massive sense of responsibility for their children’s lives. It relates to the priority we place on protecting our little ones and the pressure to provide the best opportunities – to be the best parent we can be. This means that inevitably we set a very high benchmark and whenever we feel we are failing, we feel guilty for not providing this perfect base – be it through our diet in pregnancy, a simple parenting choice or the decision to work. Sam, mom to two little girls, really battles with guilt. “I create expectations for myself as a mom while watching other mothers around me who always seem so together
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May 2015
– hair done; make-up done; clever, beautiful, healthy children. And when I fall short of this picture of the ‘ideal mom’, I feel like I am letting my girls and me down… and in comes the guilt,” says Sam.
Maternal guilt is a waste of energy because it rarely results in better parenting. society’s expectations Over and above our personal sense of responsibility are the expectations that modern society places on us. Many women enter motherhood after being in a successful career where they easily meet the demands of a significant workload. Adding a baby to the load and balancing yet another task seems to be an expectation that not only society has of women, but one that women impose on themselves.
Many moms take on the role of parenting while continuing to work outside the home, out of choice or necessity. The stress of a career coupled with the massive demands of parenting are often too much for working mothers. When demands get too high and a mom drops a ball or is not the “perfect” mother, she becomes burdened with guilt.
permission to fail Maternal guilt is so closely linked to expectations for perfection (from self or society) that we probably need to address these expectations first in order to decrease the guilt. According to the late paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, we are better as moms when we don’t meet our baby’s every need instantly and when we show our children that we can have a bad day or make a mistake. By failing occasionally, we give our children realistic expectations of the world and we teach them that their efforts in life are beautiful, even when they are not perfect. When we do this we are Good Enough Mothers. We are good enough to cope with the huge demands a new life has on us, and good enough to nurture this tiny human being into a caring, happy child.
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PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM
i
t has been said that “Maternal guilt comes with the placenta”, and as any mom will tell you, nothing could be closer to the truth. It begins the day you fall pregnant. You feel guilty about what you eat, that your stress may be affecting your unborn baby, and it magnifies when you decide to wean your baby off the breast – be that at two weeks or 12 months, and overshadows every decision around being a working or stay-at-home mom.
managing maternal guilt Understanding where maternal guilt comes from and freeing ourselves to drop the occasional ball are the important first steps in managing our guilt, but how do we practically make decisions with more freedom and ditch the guilt? Choose your parenting ethos When you are secure in the decisions you make, you are less likely to second-guess yourself and suffer maternal guilt. It is important to establish your own style of parenting and seek advice that reinforces this style as opposed to taking advice from people with polarised opinions. Once you have determined a secure rationale for your parenting style, surround yourself with information and advice that supports your choice, leaving little room for conflict, which will only increase guilt. On deciding to work Discuss this with your partner so you can determine your priorities and needs, including the financial needs of your family. Choosing to work is an important decision and when the rationale is right,
it’s certainly no reason to feel guilt. Claire, a mom of two children, puts it so well: “In my case, I have to work to survive and support my family – plain and simple. Yes, I would love to spend more time with my children, but in reality, it’s not possible. If I stop working, I lose my income and my children will suffer. This is my reality and it’s what pulls me up when guilt steps in.” Create balance in your day Make space for one-onone time with your child. A great idea is to prioritise Watch, Wait and Wonder time (see box “watch, wait and wonder”) for 15 minutes. Turn off cellphones and other electronic devices and sit on the floor to play with your little one – watching him play, waiting for his engagement and wondering at his delight as he plays. These small periods of undivided attention are a wonderful antidote for the frenetic lifestyle we juggle. Jenny, a mom who works full-time, prioritises this time with her little one. “I also schedule floor time. As soon as I walk into the house, I
immediately sit down with her and ask about her day and play whatever she wants to play,” says Jenny. Take time out for yourself The idea of choosing to be away from your child in the limited time you are home from work is almost incomprehensible. “Because I am working so much right now, I feel guilty for even thinking of going to the gym in my spare time and being away from them any longer,” laments Jess. Yet, short periods of time doing something that carries no expectations or responsibility – going for a walk, having a manicure or simply reading a magazine – is really important. Maternal guilt is a waste of energy because it rarely results in better parenting. On the contrary, it can paralyse mothers with feelings of regret and sadness. Whatever choices you are making, recognise that in considering your baby and getting it right most of the time, you are being a Good Enough Mother, which is way better for your child’s emotional development than a “perfect mom”.
watch, wait and wonder Developed by Elizabeth Muir, the approach of WWW play is traditionally used in attachment therapy for babies with relational or behaviour difficulties. It has been found that a modified approach of having focused playtime that is babyled really helps – not only with a baby’s separation anxiety, but also with helping moms to feel more connected with their children and to have less guilt about time spent away from them.
magazine pretoria
May 2015
13
education
securing the right
school
The big question on the minds of parents with pre- and primary school children is whether or not they will be able to get into the school of their choice. ANÉL LEWIS finds out why application has become such a challenge.
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inding a school for your child – especially at preschool and primary school age – has become a veritable minefield as children jostle for limited spaces. Parents can no longer just fill in a few forms to enrol their children at a good school in the area. Now it seems you’ve got a better chance of getting Golden Circle tickets to a Justin Bieber concert than you have of getting your child into your first choice of school – and sometimes even your second choice is a stretch if you’re looking for a good public school in a popular area. Joburg mom Candice Whitehead says it took one question from a parent at a child’s party to spark the frenzied “have you guys got your child into a school yet?” debate. “The following Monday I went to put Cruz’s name down at an independent school. He was just two at the time, but I was horrified to learn that he was number 100-andsomething on the waiting list for Grade 0 or Grade 1. I then had the bright idea to put baby Whitehead down at the same time.” Candice was pregnant with her third son. “Once Kai was born we paid the large nonrefundable deposit, which meant he was given a place straight away for Grade 000.” This meant that Cruz had a sibling enrolled at the school, and he was bumped up the waiting list. “I told the admissions office that I would take any place that became available, even if in Grade 00. Less than a year later I got the call that they had a spot for Cruz and I snatched it up.”
The demand for space is probably greater at popular public schools. And while it helps if you have some connection with the school as a former pupil, it’s no longer enough to guarantee your child’s place. I have already submitted Erin’s application for Grade R at my alma mater, but we are at a loose end when it comes to Conor. My husband is not from Cape Town, so he does not have an Old Boys’ network here that we can tap into. I’ve been told that unless his name was on a list seconds after his birth, the chance of him being considered at any of the independent schools is minimal. Fortunately, most public schools only take applications 18 months in advance. But we have also been tipped off that some schools won’t even look at our application if we are not within walking distance. Needless to say, we’ve moved house closer to the school to up our odds of being considered.
not child’s play Don’t be fooled into thinking preschool will be a doddle. It can be just as treacherous trying to find a spot for your toddler as it is to get your child into Grade R. I made the rookie mistake of thinking it would be a cinch to get Erin into the playschool I had attended for four happy years. But when I called, the receptionist was not the slightest bit interested in my memories of macaroni necklaces and nativity plays at the school in the seventies. In fact, she was brusque and dismissive.
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PHOTOGRAPHS: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM
It can be just as treacherous trying to find a spot for your toddler as it is to get your child into Grade R.
I sent through my application form, as directed, but to date there’s been no response. I guess that was a “no” then? I understand that receptionists must get hundreds of queries; some I encountered were rude and even condescending. One laughed outright when I asked if there was place for Erin when term started in six months’ time. Making calls to preschools was, at times, more daunting than any job interview I’ve ever had. I was acutely aware that everything I said during the conversation could influence our chances of being considered.
primary concerns Now with Grade R for Erin fast approaching, I’ve done my research well in advance. I’ve mapped the admission timelines in my diary and set a reminder on my phone for the earliest date when I can drop off the bundle of forms – which is more thorough than the paperwork we filled in for our bond application. Everything is up-to-date – clinic card, proof of address, recent reports. There’s no room for error in this game. While the battle stories abound – one mother admitted that putting “atheist” as the family’s religion on the application form probably didn’t endear her to the Catholic school she had her heart set on for her daughter – it seems that eventually everyone does find a place. Most of the parents I’ve spoken to say it depends on the area and the school’s feeder-zone policy, as well as whether you are hoping to get into an independent school, or a public school.
Don’t get hung up on where you have gone. A school can change so much in two years, let alone 20. Danielle du Plessis of Cape Town says she enrolled her son into an independent school close to home when he was six weeks old. “We were the last [of our friends] to have a child, so luckily we knew how difficult it was to get into a school.” She says one of the other schools they had considered made the application process feel like a business transaction, and the school has yet to respond to her query almost 18 months later. Parents often move to a specific area just to fall within the catchment area for a school. But be warned that schools have wised up to this scheme, and many will ask for a proof of address – either a title deed or lease if you are renting (and make sure you have a longterm lease). I’ve even heard of parents who’ve paid friends in a catchment area to use their address so that they can get into their school of choice.
magazine pretoria
May 2015
15
education
stress-free school applications
Zita Wicht, of Cape Town, moved to Bergvliet to get her daughter into a popular public school in the area. She applied for Grade R when her daughter was three, but the application was turned down. Fortunately, she was accepted a year later for Grade 1. “We were told by the headmaster that there were more applications from people living in Bergvliet than spots in the school. So even moving to the area does not guarantee you a spot.” Sometimes you can get a spot by luck of the draw. Kasia Cloete of Paarl said her daughter got into a school there when another pupil failed to turn up for class. Other parents have been turned away during the initial application process, only to find out near the end of the fourth term that a spot has freed up and their child has been accepted. Caminey Kuropatwa, originally from the United Kingdom, says, “We didn’t put the children’s names down at birth, but we were
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constantly being told by everyone that we were mad not to. But then when we did find the right school, it was all quite straightforward.” She eventually put her daughter’s name down for an independent school when she turned two, and Ellie is happily going into Grade R there now. “My advice would be to go and visit every school in your area and totally ignore what your friends and parents recommend. It’s so personal. Don’t get hung up on where you have gone. A school can change so much in two years, let alone 20,” says Charlene Irwin, who works for a public school in the southern suburbs of Cape Town. Charlene says Grade R is the biggest challenge for space. “Most schools only have two Grade R classes, but four Grade 1 classes. As a result, Grade R fills up with siblings, leaving little space for new families. Pick a preschool that includes Grade R and apply as early as you can.”
• Do your research. Find out about the admissions policy of your preferred school(s). While some independent schools welcome admissions “far in advance”, many public schools have an 18-month policy. • Make sure all your documentation is updated and complete. Many parents have been told that the school won’t even consider an incomplete application. • Follow up on your application. I was told by one of the preschools I contacted that they make a note each time a parent calls to follow up. It shows “interest” in the school, and these parents on the waiting list would be considered first if there was an opening. • Don’t see the waiting list as “second best”. Grab the opportunity with both hands. So much can happen during the year. Accepted applicants may move, or have a change of heart, and a place for your child could suddenly open up. • Don’t hedge all your bets on one school. Make sure you have options and apply to more than one school. That way you can be assured a place in at least one of your top three choices. • Speak to other parents about their experiences so that you know how the process works. But try to avoid the negative chatter about all the difficulties – it will just make you more anxious. • If possible, apply to schools with Grade R as soon as you can. These classes fill up quickly.
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spotlight
leaving facebook MEGAN HJELM has had enough of flippant “likes” and noisy timelines, opting instead for real-world interaction.
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his article isn’t going to make me popular. And perhaps that’s what lies at the core of our fascination with Facebook: our need to be popular. I had that need. I spent my adolescence in search of popularity. I still feel a pang when I’m left out. Yet I’ve just walked away from the biggest group I know. Since leaving school, I’ve tried to surround myself with kind friends – you know the type – the ones that build you up, not break you down. I’ve rejected groups in favour of individual friendships with people I truly value. And my motley friends are the best. They do not form a group though, and barely know each other. But they are my people.
PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com
I think I see the drawcard: the more “friends” you have, the more “likes” you get, the more popular you feel. As a mother of a nine year old and an 11 year old, I find it mildly distressing to watch cliques of mothers form and dissolve in the school car park before my weary 42-year-old eyes. I watch and wait until I find someone I can really talk to. But, just when I think I’ve figured out my way, another group materialises, a huge one that I find difficult to avoid: Facebook “friends”. Reluctantly, I initially join Facebook so I can be a part of my old school’s twentieth magazine pretoria
reunion communiqués. Afterwards I remove myself from Facebook at the first opportunity. A few years later, I rejoin because of a writing retreat’s group page. I tell myself I have a good reason. Within weeks, the writer’s group becomes a forum for the facilitator to market her products, and for spatters of inane chatter that are far removed from the quiet of the retreat we all shared in the shadow of the Drakensberg. I feel myself being sucked into the social-networking quagmire. I work from home and I can be frantic; and I can be totally bored. In the quiet times, I find myself logging on more and more. I even sneak a look on my phone while waiting for my children in the car. I am a slow, rolling stone, gathering “friends”. I think I see the drawcard: the more “friends” you have, the more “likes” you get, the more popular you feel. Despite my inner writer’s yearnings, I pat myself on the back for resisting the impulse to post, and I am not very active on Facebook. I pride myself on subtlety and understatement. But that doesn’t stop me peeking. I’m not even doing anything wrong, I tell myself. It’s all legitimate spying, merely reading what people are putting on my wall. Anyway, this is what they want. I look every time I’m bored. It’s like a drug. And my head fills with noise. An ex-boyfriend from the other side of the country turns up in the party photos of a fellow school mother. What’s he doing here? A woman who once threw herself at my husband befriends me. Really? I see Joan had a birthday celebration and didn’t invite us. Candy was obviously left out
too, because she promptly comments, “I see we didn’t crack the nod this year!” A school mom writes that she gave her son an iPad last week on condition that he gets an A in the exams next year. Huh? I see that Sam really loves his wife: he posted a dripping love letter. Does this make his love more real? Have I missed something? Shouldn’t he share this with her, not his 167 Facebook “friends”?
I find that I’ve cleared some debris; I can now hear the sounds of my life… Is everyone really having this much fun? Endless parties, flowing wine, posed smiles all round. The dinner Laura and Ben went to last weekend looked amazing. And there they are, arms around each other, looking so happy. Only I know that the summons was served on Monday. The noise in my head gets louder and louder. I feel awful, and can barely find my way through the clouds of criticism and judgement my thoughts have become. My heart is heavy and bitter. I take a long sobering look at this unhealthy relationship: Facebook and me. Does it make me feel good? Ever? Am I a better mother to my children because of it? A better wife to my husband? A better friend? Does it build me up? Have we all lost the plot? So I leave. I leave without any fanfare. When I posted a new profile picture on Facebook
months ago, somehow all my “friends” got a notification. When I deleted my account, not a soul was notified, I simply disappeared as if I had never existed. Social media experts remind us, however, that every keystroke we’ve ever made, every photo we’ve ever posted, can be retrieved later – word vomit will never go away. In the days that follow my departure, I feel the odd pang of loss. I miss that useful community group that lists items for sale at great prices, and the group that reviews the latest books. Regardless, a lightness creeps in and my shoulders drop. I find that I’ve cleared some debris; I can now hear the sounds of my life: my children shouting ‘Mooom’ for the fourteenth time this hour; my dog barking at a bloated frog; the tone of my friend’s voice when she says she’s fine about the photo that was posted last week, even though she’s not. I still know about the parties that count: the ones I go to, spending time with good friends and laughing. I still know about my friends’ children and their achievements. But I hear about these things over a cup of coffee or sitting in the sunlight on a bench or on Skype. And I hear the whole story now: the achievements, the struggles, the funny little anecdotes. I am present to the moments in my life. I do keep checking the postbox for that dripping love letter from my husband; I’m sure it will arrive any day now. I’m slowly building up my reserves, my energy, to put into what matters to me: my family, my work, my precious friends. And quiet. May 2015
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book extract
e h t b e y l s n t o
melt-in-the-mouth oxtail Merle van den Berg, Beacon Bay Serves 10 to 12 It’s worth the extra effort to reduce the oxtail’s fattiness by starting the procedure the day before the dish is required. ingredients • 2 large onions, coarsely chopped • 4 carrots, coarsely sliced • 4 stalks celery, coarsely sliced • garlic to taste • 2,5–3kg oxtail • 1 bottle (750ml) dry red wine • 1 sachet/bottle (130g) sun-dried tomato pesto (or 20 rehydrated sun-dried tomatoes) • 10ml white sugar • 30ml soy sauce • 15ml Worcestershire sauce • 15ml dried mixed herbs • 45ml crème fraîche or sour cream • 30ml chopped parsley method Preheat the oven to 150˚C.
Sharing a satisfying meal around a table with family and friends is a tradition worth keeping. Best Recipes, compiled by CHRISTELLE ERASMUS, will give you some great ideas to spoil mom on Mother’s Day.
caramelised butternut and pear salad
Prepare the vegetables and place them, together with the garlic, on the base of a casserole dish. Cover with the oxtail and pour over the red wine. Add the remaining ingredients, except the crème fraîche or sour cream, and the parsley. Cook, covered, in the oven for 6 to 8 hours until the biggest pieces of meat are tender. Remove the pieces of oxtail with a spoon and place in the refrigerator overnight. Strain the liquid from the vegetables and store the liquid and vegetables in the refrigerator overnight in two separate containers. On the following day, remove the thick layer of fat from the liquid. The larger pieces of oxtail will still have pieces of visible fat. Remove with a knife. Discard the fat or keep for roasting potatoes on another day. To make the gravy, place the strained liquid from the vegetables into a saucepan and heat. Blend the vegetables until smooth using a stick blender or food processor and add to the liquid. Stir until mixed. The mixture should be thick enough so that you shouldn’t need to add a thickening agent. Simmer gently and add the sour cream or crème fraîche. Place a layer of the gravy into a serving dish, and then add a layer of oxtail pieces. Repeat the layers, ending with a layer of gravy. Reheat in the oven for 1 hour at 150˚C before serving with mashed potatoes flavoured with chopped leeks, and your choice of vegetables or salads. Homemade bread is also a good accompaniment – especially with the wonderful gravy. Sprinkle parsley over the oxtail just before serving.
Elma Heyns, Bloemfontein Serves 6
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The flavours in this salad complement one another beautifully, particularly the saltiness of the prosciutto with the sweet caramel flavours. This salad is also very versatile – it can be served as a starter, a light lunch or as a side dish with beef fillet grilled over the coals.
method
ingredients • 500g peeled butternut, cut into chunks • 3 pears, peeled, cored and quartered (and then each quarter cut in half) • olive oil for grilling • 30ml honey • 15ml balsamic vinegar • rocket leaves or curly lettuce leaves • 5 slices prosciutto • 50g pine nuts, toasted in a dry pan until lightly browned and flavoursome • Parmesan cheese • balsamic reduction • balsamic and olive oil dressing
butternut and pears and mix through until well
May 2015
Preheat the oven to 200˚C. Place the butternut and pears on a baking tray and rub all over with olive oil. Drizzle the honey and balsamic vinegar over the coated. Roast in the oven until caramelised and soft. Give the mixture a stir halfway through the PHOTOGRAPHS: Danie Janse van Vuuren
cooking time and spread out again in an even layer. Set aside to cool. Place the rocket leaves on a serving platter and arrange the cooled butternut and pears on top. Tear the prosciutto into strips and scatter over the salad with the pine nuts. Top with some shavings of Parmesan cheese and drizzle sparingly with the balsamic reduction. Serve with balsamic and olive oil dressing.
magazine pretoria
jaco’s mexican chip thingy
pancake parcels with milk tart filling and orange sauce
Barbara Roux, Linden Serves 4
Annerien Vermeulen, Centurion Serves 12
My friend Jaco makes this dish often and it is great for fun social gatherings. It’s very filling and in winter it helps to provide heat from the inside. ingredients • 15ml olive oil • 2 onions • 500g mince • 250g mushrooms, sliced • 1 tin (410g) chakalaka (as hot as you like it) • lettuce • 1 each red, green and yellow peppers • cucumber • cherry tomatoes • 1 large packet (250g) sweet chilli pepper Doritos corn chips • grated cheese method Heat the olive oil in a saucepan. Slice one onion and fry until translucent. Add the mince and stir-fry until cooked. Add the mushrooms and fry until cooked. Add the chakalaka and simmer until the sauce thickens.
ingredients | pancakes • 500ml flour • 625ml water • 125ml cooking oil • 10ml baking powder • 2 eggs • 3ml salt • 12,5ml vinegar • oil to grease the pan
Slice the lettuce, the remaining onion, peppers, cucumber and tomatoes and keep them all separate. Arrange the ingredients on a large platter as follows: start with a layer of corn chips, followed by lettuce, onion, peppers, cucumber and tomatoes. Spoon the mince mixture over the top and sprinkle over the grated cheese. Serve immediately and dig in.
mediterranean vegetable stack with roasted pepper pesto Carolyn Trollope, Rynfield Serves 6 ingredients | roasted pepper pesto • 1 large red pepper • 60ml fresh, torn basil leaves • 20ml Parmesan cheese • 30ml olive oil • 60ml pine nuts • 1 clove garlic, minced • dash of balsamic vinegar • salt and pepper ingredients | vegetable stack • 1 brinjal • salt • sheet puff pastry • 6 baby marrows • 2 rounds feta cheese • olive oil to brush • rocket to garnish method | pesto Grill the red pepper under a preheated oven grill, turning every 10 minutes or so until the skin is blistered and blackened on all sides. Remove from the oven and immediately
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put into a bowl and cover with plastic wrap, allowing it to sweat. Once cool, remove the skin, slice the pepper and de-seed it. Put the pepper, basil, Parmesan cheese, 15ml of the olive oil and the pine nuts in a processor. Blitz together, then add the garlic plus the remaining olive oil and balsamic vinegar, and whiz until smooth. Add salt and pepper to taste, and add more olive oil if a thinner consistency is preferred. Put into a sterilised jar and seal for at least 1 hour before using. Preheat the oven to 200˚C. Grease a baking tray. method | vegetable stack Slice the brinjal into rounds, sprinkle salt over both sides and leave on a rack for 10 minutes. Rinse and pat dry. Using a cookie cutter, cut 6 rounds of puff pastry, place on the baking tray and bake for about 30 minutes or until golden. Cut the baby marrows into rounds and brush these and the brinjal rounds lightly with olive oil, then grill on a greased baking tray until cooked through. Place a puff pastry round on each plate, then layer it with brinjal, baby marrow and feta until there are two layers of each. Top with some pepper pesto and garnish with rocket. Serve immediately.
ingredients | filling • 75ml flour • 500ml milk • 75ml sugar • 1 cinnamon stick • 2 egg yolks, beaten • 1ml salt • 25ml butter • 5ml vanilla essence ingredients | orange sauce • 125ml sugar • 50ml water • 500ml fresh orange juice • 5ml grated orange zest • 30ml orange liqueur (Van der Hum) • 30ml brandy • a pinch of salt • 50g butter, cubed method | pancakes Mix all the pancake ingredients together until smooth. If necessary, add more water to thin the batter. Set aside for about 30 minutes. Preheat a lightweight pan until very hot. Add just enough oil to the pan to grease it. Using a soup ladle, spoon some batter into the pan. Add just enough batter to cover the
base of the pan; the pancakes shouldn’t be too thick. As soon as the edges of the pancake start to lift, turn over the pancake and cook the other side for about 30 seconds. Tip out the pancake onto a plate. Continue making pancakes until the batter is used up. Keep a container of oil nearby and add about 5ml oil to the pan after every second or third pancake. method | filling Mix the flour with 50ml milk and 10ml sugar until it forms a paste. Heat the rest of the milk, sugar and the cinnamon stick until it comes to the boil. Stir in the flour paste. Remove from the heat and stir in the egg yolks and salt. Return to the heat and stir for one minute until the filling is smooth and thick. Remove from the heat again and stir in the butter and vanilla essence. Discard the cinnamon stick. method | orange sauce Place the sugar, water and orange juice in a saucepan over low heat. Stir until the sugar has dissolved, then add the orange zest. Cook over low heat for 30 minutes. Stir in the liqueur, brandy and salt, and add the butter, a cube at a time. to assemble Place a good spoonful of filling in the centre of a pancake. Fold over the pancakes so that it resembles an envelope or parcel. Place the pancake parcel on a plate and spoon over some of the sauce.
about the book Boasting South Africa’s best home cooking, selected from Leisure Books’ intrepid home cooks, Best Recipes (Human & Rousseau) compiled by Christelle Erasmus, will take pride of place in your kitchen. With more than 100 recipes – from bread and soup to enticing starters, delicious mains and desserts for the sweet tooth – it offers something for every taste. Some of the recipes are old favourites that have been given a new lease on life, while others are fresh ideas using exciting yet easy-to-come-by ingredients. Best Recipes is available at all good bookstores for R295.
May 2015
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relationships
my husband is jealous of our child! The arrival of a baby is supposed to bring families closer together, but what happens when your child appears to be driving a wedge between you and your partner? ELAINE POWELL finds out what makes some fathers – and mothers – jealous of their children.
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that he admitted that he resented the attention I was giving Jack, and that he felt jealous of his son. I was floored. Was it something I was doing? Was I doting excessively on our son? Had I failed Mike as a wife?
unresolved issues Well, it seems my husband’s reaction is not uncommon and it’s certainly not unique to fathers. Gauteng-based counselling psychologist Brian Blem says these feelings of resentment are quite normal and based on two key factors: the health of the relationship prior to pregnancy and children; and the extent of any “unfinished business” from childhood that each partner may be carrying. “The feelings of insecurity that are triggered in the father are often regardless of the sex of the child, although it may be the case that a male child is more threatening for certain fathers,” says Blem. But these feelings can be experienced by mothers struggling to bond with their children too, he adds.
finding the source Once the elephant in the room had been exposed, I wanted to know what had caused my husband to feel this way. Mike explained that he felt left out when Jack and I were together, and that I tended to put the children’s needs ahead of our priorities as a couple. Something as simple as kissing Jack before I had greeted him when I came home really bothered my husband. He also got irritated if Jack wanted to sit on my lap, or be picked up. I really struggled with this. My maternal wiring was telling me that the children, especially when they are so young, should come first. But Mike vehemently disagreed, and said that this put us at an impasse in our relationship. Blem says the birth of a child will change the husband-and-wife dynamic to include a father-and-mother dimension. “If the spousal system is already under strain, usually due to a breakdown in communication, then adding the extra pressure of operating a parental system, where couples are challenged to support each other as parents, the
magazine pretoria
PHOTOGRAPH: shutterstock.com
p
arenting involves a rollercoaster of emotions: love, devotion, fatigue and sometimes even fear. But I never expected jealousy and resentment to rear their ugly heads, and certainly not in my husband’s relationship with our son. Jack*, now almost three years old, has always been demanding. But his devotion to me seems to have intensified in the past six months to the point where he won’t even let his father dress him. I put his preference for me down to normal toddler clinginess, and thought nothing of it. But then my husband, Mike*, started to treat Jack differently. I noticed that he was becoming less tolerant of Jack’s antics. While his sister, Jade*, could get away with normal childish naughtiness, Jack was immediately and often harshly reprimanded. At times Mike was cold and even dismissive of Jack. Other people started noticing Mike’s attitude towards Jack. Concerned, I warned Mike that he would come to regret the way he was treating his son, and it was only then
especially during the early months. “Open and honest communication at this time is critical, and couples would do well to have built a solid platform of dealing with issues and resolving conflict before starting a family.”
what can you do?
chances of misunderstanding and resentment are even greater.” Unfortunately, these feelings are then projected onto the source of the frustration – the child.
under pressure Mike was keen to be a father, and he was delighted when we had our pigeon pair, so I never expected he would feel resentment towards either of them; especially not his son. But Blem says it’s often only when the pressures of being married and having children are applied that a parent with unfinished business from childhood will start to reveal these hurtful patterns. “When our primary needs for safety and significance are not being met in our relationships, anyone else who appears to be getting or preventing what we believe we need, will be at the receiving end of our pain and frustration.” Blem says men who were reluctant to have children could also be dealing with unresolved childhood issues, and this could make them behave negatively towards their children.
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I’ve also been concerned that Jack may have picked up on Mike’s attitude towards him, and that this could make him reluctant to bond with his father. Blem says children, being sensitive and perceptive to their parents’ moods, will identify who they perceive as the safer parent to be with and this may exacerbate underlying tensions between the parents.
the blame game So, was I at fault for being too absorbed in my children? Blem says a healthy attachment between a mother and her child is important, especially in the first year. “However, this should be a shared responsibility, and hands-on fathers make a huge difference to the process of helping new mothers to get the balance right. In the process, fathers should also build a strong attachment to their child by getting as involved as possible with the help of their partners.” He says it is to be expected that fathers will go through a period of getting less attention from their wives,
Hands-on fathers who share the joys and pressures of parenting will find themselves less needy of their partner’s attention, says Blem. So get your husband involved as soon as possible with all aspects of childcare. Communication is key. Talk about your expectations of parenting, and of marriage, so that you both understand your respective needs in the respective relationships. When the children are older, set aside a day where just one parent spends time with a child. I’ve started taking Jade out to do something “girly” so that Mike gets to do guy stuff with Jack. It’s valuable bonding time for all of us. Also make time for “date nights” or opportunities where you can spend quality time with just your spouse. Some families will benefit from therapy or counselling. “This could be just the call to growth that individuals and couples need to respond to in order to ensure that their relationships and family context becomes a healthy and ultimately happy one,” says Blem. “Our unfinished childhood issues remain just that – unfinished, until we have the courage to face our problems directly and take responsibility for the things that have happened in our lives. The beauty of couple counselling is not just two for the price of one, but that you don’t have to go it alone – you get to go on the journey of healing with the person you love.” *Names have been changed and Elaine Powell is a pseudonym.
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parenting
o
ne of the more common issues I’m confronted with in my practice is a seemingly entrenched breakdown in the relationship between a parent and their teenager. The most common reason for this breakdown is the firmly-held belief by each of them that the other person is not listening. There are two main sources of conflict between parents and teenagers. The first is the presence of limits (in the teenager’s mind, the imposition of limits). The second source of conflict is often due to difficulties caused by the natural separation that takes place between parents and children during the teenage years. Conflict caused by limitsetting is normally easy to identify. It’s not necessarily easy to resolve, but at least it’s a lot clearer what all the fighting is about. Conflict due to issues of separation, on the other hand, is a lot less clear and more difficult to acknowledge, and can take longer to sort out. Differentiating between these two causes is central to understanding and resolving parent-teenager breakdowns.
be allowed to do whatever you want, and if you carry on speaking to me like that, instead of getting more privileges, you are going to end up with a lot less.” This approach will not necessarily prevent conflict, but it will prevent a breakdown of your relationship.
acknowledging difference Conflicts caused by issues to do with separation are very different. One of the fundamental, defining aspects of adolescence is the natural separation which takes place between parents and their children – in short, the realisation that you and your child are two separate people. This may sound simple, but many parents find it quite difficult to realise that their child actually does exist as an entirely separate, entirely unique human being in their own right. Teenagers need to believe that they are their own person with their own thoughts, ideas and opinions. This is an essential part of their growth, and has very little to do with the parents. We are not supposed to be threatened by this need, nor are we supposed to envy it.
testing the limits
You are allowed to say whatever you like, but you may not do whatever you like. Now, before you recoil in horror, please understand that you don’t have to disclose this principle to your teenager; just be conscious of it when conflict arises. In the heat of the moment, this principle is a tool that will enable you to carry on dealing with the issue. You can deal with the manner in which your teenager has spoken to you after the dust has settled.
working it out The important thing to realise is that the conflict is taking place within the context of your relationship. As the parent, you need to be determined and committed
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i hate you, mom! GARY KOEN helps parents get to the root of parent-teenager breakdowns by asking: “What is the fight really about?” to working it out no matter what it takes. Furthermore, the principle of allowing your teenager to say what they want but not necessarily do what they want, is an acknowledgement of their separate mind and separate experience. The conflict you may be facing is being driven by difference. In many ways, this approach also shows your teenager that you can survive whatever they throw at you and proves that you are even willing to tolerate their hatred of you, if you believe you are acting in their best interests (even though they may not agree). Once the screaming has stopped and calm has returned, there will be an opportunity to work out exactly what happened. You will also have an opportunity to deal with the way in which they spoke to you. I suggest you say something like this: “What you said was abusive. However, I can, and would rather, put up with your abuse of me, than knowingly allow you to go out and do things that I know are going to be harmful and destructive. So understand this: you are not going to
Teenagers need to believe that they are their own person with their own thoughts, ideas and opinions. Parents often make a common but quite serious mistake when they assume that “Because you are my child, I understand you completely”. When the teenager attempts to communicate something different, or expresses an alternative point of view, the parent cannot listen because they are unable to comprehend that their child may have a different experience to them. The underlying fear is that this difference will drive them apart. Very often the intense frustration that a teenager feels is in direct response to the parent who claims to infinitely understand them. Then “I hate you!” takes on significantly different proportions. What the teenager is really saying is: “I hate the way you see me (or don’t see me). You only see what you want to see!” If you dismiss this as just another example of teenage angst, do not be surprised if they then explode into a furious rage and stop talking to you altogether. This kind of breakdown normally requires professional help because it is almost impossible for the parties involved to resolve it themselves. The simple goal of therapy in such cases is to create a space where they are able to start listening to one another again. The truth is that most teenagers are not comfortable living with this kind of emotional violence in their lives and, provided there is a mutual acknowledgement of wanting to work things out, are generally receptive to a solution.
about the author Gary Koen is a clinical psychologist working mainly with adults and adolescents. As a father of three, he is heavily invested in everything he says. For more information, visit garykoen.co.za
magazine pretoria
PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM
As I wrote in “parenting within bounds” (Child magazine, November 2013), teenagers need limits. It makes them feel safe knowing that someone (preferably the parent) is capable of drawing a line, which they will invariably need to challenge while the other person stands their ground. Teenagers need limits, because without them they are unable to grow, but this doesn’t mean they want them. Most of the time these limits appear to prevent them from doing the things they enjoy. They’re unreasonable, unnecessary, illogical and merely designed to spoil their fun. Teenagers may accept these limits at times, but they often lead to arguments, which can quickly spiral into fullblown shouting matches where irrational and hurtful things get said. It’s not uncommon for an aggrieved teenager who is being thwarted in their desire to do something to storm off screaming “I hate you!” at either of their parents, slam their bedroom door and collapse onto their beds shaking with anger. While this sudden, furious level of conflict can leave the whole family feeling shaken and traumatised, I find that at times like these it is quite helpful to employ this simple principle: “You are allowed to say whatever you like, but you may not do whatever you like.”
books
a good
read early graders
preschoolers
toddlers Thank You, Jackson By Niki and Jude Daly
Busy Machines: Let’s Dig! By Julie Fletcher
Look Who’s Hiding!: Counting By Sharon Rentta
(Published by Scholastic, R103) Children from the age of three years old will enjoy this colourful book packed with vehicles from a building site. They will love turning the chunky shaped pages and discovering a big bulldozer, a busy digger, a tall crane, a spinning cement mixer and a noisy dumper. With bright illustrations, simple rhyming text that is perfect for reading aloud, and easy-to-turn pages, this is an ideal first book for toddlers.
(Published by Scholastic, R123) Squirrel is planning a picnic and she wants some friends to join in the fun. Toddlers will love pulling the super-sturdy, slide-out pages of this chunky board book to reveal one badger, two foxes, three owls, four rabbits and five ducklings. With lots of humour along the way and a fabulous cast of animal characters, this is a delightful way to introduce children to counting. Other titles in this series cover animal sounds, colours and opposites.
(Published by Jacana Media, R108) Jackson, an old donkey, goes up the hill to market with his heavy load, until he suddenly sits down and will go no further. The farmer pushes and pulls, but Jackson will not go! Now the farmer picks up a big stick… “Stop!” calls his little son, Goodwill, and he whispers something in the donkey’s ear. Could Goodwill’s whispered words save the day? This warm-hearted story, with stunning illustrations by a worldrenowned artist, shows the importance of courtesy and kindness.
Love from Pooh By AA Milne and EH Shepard (Published by Egmont Children’s Books, R110) One should not really attach this little gem to a particular age group; it’s for anyone who loves Winnie-the-Pooh. It’s a great read for when you feel like wearing your heart on your sleeve, as the book features words of love from Winnie-the-Pooh through original quotations from AA Milne’s stories and poems: “Wherever I am there’s always Pooh, there’s always Pooh and me. Whatever I do, he wants to do; ‘Where are you going today?’ says Pooh. ‘Well that’s very odd ’cos I was too.’”
for us preteens and teens
George and the Unbreakable Code By Lucy and Stephen Hawking (Published by Random House Group, R180) George and his best friend Annie haven’t had any space adventures for a while and they’re missing the excitement. But not for long… Soon, seriously strange things start happening. Banks are handing out free money; supermarkets can’t charge for their produce so people are getting free food; and aircraft will not fly. It looks like the world’s biggest and best computers have all been hacked. George and Annie will travel further into space than ever before in order to find out who is behind it. Co-written by the brilliant theoretical physicist, Stephen Hawking, this edition for children from the age of 11 years old also includes amazing facts about space. magazine pretoria
Cake Decorating with Grace Stevens By Grace Stevens Leaving Before the Rains Come By Alexandra Fuller (Published by Random House Group, R350) In 1992 Alexandra Fuller embarked on a new journey, into a long, tempestuous marriage to Charlie Ross, the love of her life. In this frank, personal memoir, a sequel to Don’t Let’s Go to the Dogs Tonight, she charts their 20 years together, from the brutal beauty of the Zambezi to the mountains of Wyoming – the new adventures, the unexplored paths, the insurmountable obstacles… and the many signals that they missed along the way.
(Published by Struik Lifestyle, R207) The much-awaited Cake Decorating with Grace Stevens follows on the success of Grace’s previous book, Celebration Cakes. This book boasts more sugar flowers than the original, and also includes new fondant figures, wedding cakes and theme-specific celebration cakes for Easter and Christmas. Grace’s enchanting fondant figurines and cakes are unique, and the step-by-step full-colour photography and detailed instructions make their creation highly achievable. The in-depth techniques section will also teach readers how to sculpt, fill, stack, ganache and dowel cakes.
Tech-savvy parenting Parenting By Nikki Bush and Arthur Goldstuck (Published by Bookstorm, R229) Nikki Bush and Arthur Goldstuck, a technical commentator, will help parents get a handle on what’s happening in consumer technology. In this sensitive and insightful guide, they carve a path through the maze of terminology, dangers and opportunities to help parents navigate new spaces together with their children, with greater confidence. In explaining the technology, they never ignore the human context: to place children’s use of technology in the context of the relationship between parent and child. May 2015
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resource
convenience shopping SIMONE JEFFERY rounds up the malls in Pretoria that will welcome you and your children and make the store-run easier.
An open-air shopping mall with brandname factory outlets as well as a Baby Boom, Toys R Us and a Super Spar. Changing and feeding There are baby-changing and feeding facilities in the men’s and ladies’ bathrooms near the Super Spar, and below Mr Price Home. Parking and security There is free covered and uncovered parking. Entertainment The Atterbury Fairies entertain in the centre court every Saturday between 9am–2pm, where children can play games, enjoy a story time or get their faces painted. The centre also holds events throughout the year. Area Atterbury Rd, Faerie Glen Contact 012 991 4744 or visit atterburyvaluemart.co.za
forest hill city This new shopping centre has several department stores, grocery stores, familyfriendly restaurants and fast-food outlets. A nice touch is the signposts throughout the mall, which inform you of the estimated time to walk to the various destinations. Changing and feeding They offer baby-feeding and changing rooms at four of the bathrooms in the mall as well as a baby-changing facility inside Pick n Pay. Parking and security This is a single-level mall with covered parking located in the centre allowing for easy access from any point in the parkade as well as open, external parking. Entertainment Children will be entertained for hours at the heated wave pool, Olympic-size ice rink, arcade, tenpin bowling, bumper cars and the SterKinekor cinema complex. The wave pool is suitable for children six years and older. Area cnr Marie St and Marius Ave, Monavoni, Centurion Contact 012 007 0917 or visit foresthillcity.co.za
irene village mall This is an open-air mall with tranquil water features, tree-lined passages and unique sculptures. Their monthly market, the Fare on the Square, offers organic produce and creative crafts on the last Sunday of every month, from 9am–3pm.
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Changing and feeding There are baby-changing and feeding facilities at both ends of the mall. Parking and security The centre has round-the-clock security plus numerous undercover and open-air parking bays. For those who need to nip in and grab a few essentials, the first hour of parking in the open-air area is free. Entertainment Children can play in the ground level fountain, with a sculpture of a cow lying belly up, while parents sit back, relax and enjoy a cup of coffee or a meal at the restaurants surrounding the area. Entertainment is also provided by the Ster-Kinekor cinema. Area cnr Nellmapius Dr and Van Ryneveld Ave, Irene Contact 012 662 4446, info@ irenevillagemall.co.za or visit irenemall.co.za
kolonnade shopping centre A multilevel shopping centre with over 150 tenants ranging from major fashion outlets and department stores, to book stores, optometrists, pharmacies and furniture stores. Changing and feeding Beautifully decorated baby-feeding and changing rooms, where moms can see to the needs of their babies, are situated on the upper level near Edgars and on the lower level near centre management. Parking and security There is ample undercover and free open-air parking options. Guards patrol the open-air parking 24/7 to ensure your safety. Entertainment These include a Ster-Kinekor cinema complex, a tenpin bowling alley at The Mega Magic Co.
and indoor go-kart racing at K1 Racing in the undercover parkade on the upper level. Area cnr Sefako Makgatho Dr and Dr Van der Merwe St, Montana Park Contact 012 548 1902 or visit kolonnadecentre.co.za
lynnwood bridge This open-air mall has speciality stores focusing on sport, outdoor activities, jewellery and kitchen appliances as well as a host of top-quality restaurants. The Planet Fitness at Lynnwood Bridge has childcare facilities. Changing and feeding There is a full-family bathroom with babychanging facilities, apart from the normal men’s and ladies’ bathrooms. Parking and security There is an open parking area for a quick stop as well as two levels of basement parking, both with 24-hour security guards. The centre has security cameras on all high risk areas as well as all entrances and exits of the parking. Entertainment The Atterbury Theatre holds a varied programme of theatrical productions and concerts throughout the month. Area Daventry Rd, Lynnwood Manor Contact 087 845 1150 or visit lynnwoodbridge.co.za
menlyn shopping centre The centre caters to your needs with over 500 stores specialising in all areas, from banking and stationery, to electronics, fashion and home appliances. They are currently undergoing an expansion and refurbishment, but are still operating. The
mall is situated 10km from the Hatfield Gautrain Station and is on the H5 bus route. Changing and feeding There are family toilets with baby-changing facilities throughout the centre as well as within The Fun Company. Parking and security Moms and tots have designated parking bays with a wider berth, designed for prams on parking level 1 on the eastern side of the building. Parking is free from 5pm until midnight from Monday–Thursday. The centre’s Men in Black, eight agents dressed in black suits, ties and green sashes, are stationed at all the entrances to the centre and are there to assist you in any way needed. Entertainment Children can enjoy movies at the Nu Metro cinema complex and at The Fun Company they can take part in tenpin bowling, glow mini golf, spin bumper cars, an arcade, laser maze and 4-D theatre. Area cnr Atterbury Rd and Lois Ave, Menlo Park Contact 012 471 0600 or visit menlynpark.co.za
the grove mall The mall features an inside-out section with 14 olive trees, adorned with faerie lights surrounded by a selection of restaurants. The Mediterranean Market takes place on the second and last Saturday of every month from 9am–2pm. Changing and feeding There are baby-changing and feeding rooms at all bathrooms as well as within Pick n Pay, and a change room for children who have splashed around in the water play park. Parking and security There are dedicated moms and tots parking bays at several entrances and a special parking card (available at the guest relations desk), which enables you to park free on Mondays. Entertainment Children can enjoy the ice rink, water play park, SterKinekor cinema complex with an IMAX and Cine Prestige as well as The Fun Company with its bumper cars, tenpin bowling and 4-D Theatre. Area cnr Lynnwood Rd and Simon Vermooten Rd, Equestria Contact 012 807 0963 or visit thegrovemall.co.za magazine pretoria
PHOTOGRAPH / ILLUSTRATIONS: shutterstock.com
atterbury value mart
magazine pretoria
May 2015
25
calendar
You can also access the calendar online at
what’s on in may
childmag.co.za
Your guide for what to do, where to go and who to see. Compiled by SIMONE JEFFERY
1 fri
special events
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FUN for children
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only for parents
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bump, baby & tot in tow
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how to help
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SPECIAL EVENTS
FUN FOR CHILDREN
All Directions A tribute to the music of the British pop boy band, One Direction.
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May 2015
ONLY FOR PARENTS
bump, baby & tot in tow
how to help
French art classes Learn French during a fun, interactive art class.
Moms, babes and tots workshop A programme designed to stimulate gross and fine motor development, and more.
Butterflies for Kids with Cancer Mosaic a beautiful butterfly in aid of the Little Fighters Cancer Trust.
magazine pretoria
PHOTOGRAPHS: Val Adamson / SHUTTERSTOCK.COM
Wally Hayward Fun Run The Wally Hayward Marathon honours Wally’s exceptional running career that spanned six decades, and raises funds for six worthy charities.
1–2 May – Lollos 7
SPECIAL EVENTS 1 friday Fijnwyn Food and Wine Festival Taste, experience and buy wines from the Cape while sampling food and enjoying the live music. There is children’s entertainment, including pony rides. Also 2 May. Time: 10am–6pm. Venue: Shokran Events Venue, plot 99 Luiperd St, Tierpoort, Pretoria East. Cost: adults R120, children 12–18 years old R50, children under 12 years old free. Contact: 082 335 5659 or visit fijnwyn.co.za Lollos 7 Join Lollos, Lettie, Minki and Disco as they go on an adventure to the uttermost parts of the world in search of a special box and discover different cultures and dances along the way. The production is in Afrikaans. For 1–9 year olds. Also 2 May. Time: 10am–11am. Venue: Cedar Junction, plot 404, Graham Rd, Zwavelpoort. Cost: R90, children under 12 months old free. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com Wally Hayward Fun Run Take part in the 42,2km marathon, 21,1km half-marathon, 10km, 4,9km fun run with a fancy dress aspect, or the 1km children’s race. There is supervised children’s entertainment hosted by Child Welfare Tshwane. Time: 6:30am. Venue: Hoërskool Zwartkop, Mopani Rd, Zwartkop. Cost: R15–R126. Contact: 083 268 5613 or visit wally.org.za
2 saturday PSC Casual Day Find out more about the Pretoria Sailing Club and get your children to try out sailing during informal coaching
magazine pretoria
sessions. Take a change of clothing. Booking essential. Youth coaching for 8–18 year olds. Time: 10:30am–1pm. Venue: Rietvlei Nature Reserve, Nelmapius Dr, Rietvleirand. Cost: free youth coaching, R100 youth boat rental. Contact: 012 660 2016, 081 866 8831 or visit psc.org.za
6 wednesday
Swartkops SAAF Museum Airshow Get there early to secure the best spot from which to view the dozens of aircraft taking part in this year’s air show, from jets that will blow your hair back to the vintage planes of yesteryear. Time: 7am–6pm. Venue: Swartkop Air Force Base, off the R101, Swartkops. Cost: R50, children under 12 free. For more info: visit saafmuseumairshow.co.za The Winter Sculpture Fair A contemporary wonderland with largerthan-life sculptures dotted across the landscape and Franschhoek’s top chefs and vignerons with their signature dishes and varietals ready for you to sample. Tickets are only available online. Also 10 May. Time: 10am–5pm. Venue: Nirox Sculpture Park, 24 Kromdraai Rd, Muldersdrift. Cost: R150, children under 12 free. For more info: visit wintersculpturefair.co.za
14 thursday
Needleless to Say open day A needlefree baby clinic for overall healthcare for mothers and their babies. Moms and dads are given a free immune booster shot to experience what their baby will experience during a needle-free injection. Also 9 May. Time: 2pm–5pm Wednesday, 9am–1pm Saturday. Venue: unit 6 Pony St, Tiger Valley Office Park, Pretoria East. Cost: free. Contact: 076 288 4310
Mama Magic – The Baby Expo For everything you need for your busy 0–5 year old and an opportunity to gain knowledge about pregnancy, being a parent, and the latest products. There is a variety of talks and daily interactive shows by everyone’s favourite purple dinosaur, Barney. Ends 17 May. Time: 9am–6pm. Venue: The Dome, cnr Northumberland Rd and Olievenhout Ave, North Riding. Cost: tbc. For more info: visit mamamagic.co.za
7 thursday
16 saturday
Student Expo This expo provides high school students with guidance, direction and inspiration. In addition to potential fields of study, students learn more about the specifics of student life. Ends 9 May. Time: 9am–6pm Thursday–Friday, 9am–3pm Saturday. Venue: Brooklyn Mall, cnr Veale St and Fehrsen St, New Muckleneuk. Cost: free entry. For more info: visit student-expo.com
Curro Thatchfield open day Find out more about this independent school that caters to children from 3 months old through to Grade 10. Time: 8:30am. Venue: Curro Thatchfield, 3512 Barbet St, cnr Brakfontein Rd and Barbet St, Thatchfield Hills, Centurion. Cost: free. Contact: 012 652 2906/08 or visit curro.co.za
9 saturday Deutsch Schule open day Meet the teachers and view the facilities of this independent German school that caters to children from Grade R. Time: 9am–12pm. Venue: Simon Vermooten Rd, The Willows. Cost: free. Contact: 012 803 4106/7/8 or visit dspretoria.co.za
17 sunday Centrum Kids Like2Bike cycling series Event number three in the series consists of a 2km, 5km, 10km, and XL 20km cycle. For 2–14 year olds. Time: 9:20am. Venue: Rosemary Hill, 257 Mooiplaats, N4 East, exit 18, Pretoria. Cost: online pre-entry R120, late entry on the day R130. Contact: 083 326 6721 or visit like2bike.co.za
29 friday MTN Bushfire Festival A three-day African music festival with a compelling line-up of theatre, poetry, dance, art exhibits and installations, storytelling, puppetry, film and themed workshops. There is a Kidzone with a medieval castle theme and a variety of organised games, dress-up stations and PlayStation consoles. Ends 31 May. Time: all day. Venue: Malkerns Valley, Swaziland. Cost: from R100, children under 5 free. For more info: visit bush-fire.com
30 saturday Woodhill College open day An opportunity to view the facilities and meet the principals, staff and pupils. For parents of learners in Grade 000–12. Time: 9am–12pm. Venue: Woodhill College, De Villebois Mareuil Dr, Pretoria East. Cost: free entry. Contact: 012 998 1774 or visit woodhillcollege.co.za
FUN FOR CHILDREN art, culture and science DinosAlive – The Exhibition This exhibition features 25 life-size animatronic dinosaurs and fun, hands-on activities such as dino rides, excavation sandpits, a
28 World Play Day
thu
Cotlands is hosting a series of activities across the country to advocate for the right to play. You can be a part of this event by donating towards their activities or by promoting this fundamental right with your child and at your workplace. Venue: contact Cotlands for a venue closest to you. Cost: free. Contact: 011 683 7201 or visit cotlands.org
May 2015
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Tekkie Tax
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Wear your tekkies and sticker of choice and support a good cause. The funds go towards a selection of 15 national welfare organisations. Venue: nationwide. Cost: R10 for a sticker, R30 for tekkie tags. Contact: 012 663 8181 or visit tekkietax.co.za
fri
dino movie and a jumping castle. Tickets are available through Computicket. 11 April–17 May. Time: 9am–5pm. Venue: Tshwane Events Centre, Soutter St, Pretoria West. Cost: R85–R120, family ticket (two adults and two children) R350. For more info: visit dinosalive.co.za The Art of the Brick View the 75 art sculptures created from more than a million Lego bricks. Ends 2 August. Time: 9am–6pm. Venue: ground floor, The Zone @ Rosebank, Rosebank. Cost: adults R140, children under 18 years old R95, children under 2 free. For more info: visit theartofthebricksa.co.za
30 May – Woodhill College open day
classes, talks and workshops Chocolate workshop for Mother’s Day Write a personal message on a chocolate stiletto and beautify it with flowers and hearts, and other chocolate treats. Booking essential. For 8–13 year olds. Younger children may be accommodated by prior arrangement. 8 and 9 May. Time: 2pm–4pm Friday, 10am–12pm Saturday. Venue: Snyman Sjokolateur Boutique Factory, Waterkloof Ridge. Cost: R145. Contact: 074 140 1087 or info@snymanchocolates.com Gymathstics classes A weekly educational maths programme that doesn’t use pen and paper activities to teach mental maths. For 4–10 year olds. Time: 9am–11am every Saturday. Venues: Centurion, Pretoria East, Pretoria North. Cost: R180 per month, R400 per term. Contact: 076 342 2005 or visit gymathstics.co.za
family outings Guided tours of Van Gaalen Kaasmakerij Take a guided tour of Van Gaalen Kaasmakerij (cheese factory) to see how cheese is made and taste the special Dutch cheese. The tour takes 75 minutes and includes a cheese tasting, cup of coffee or juice and a slice of Dutch apple cake. Time: 10am every Wednesday and Saturday. Venue: Van Gaalen, at the R560 and R512 T-junction, Skeerpoort. Cost: R90. Contact: 012 207 1289 or visit vangaalen.co.za
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May 2015
finding nature and outdoor play Monkeys on a mission This primate sanctuary offers guided tours through indigenous forests on elevated walkways where you can view a variety of exotic primates. Time: 9am–4pm daily. Venue: R104, Hartbeespoort. Cost: adults R210, pensioners R195, children 4–14 years old R105. Contact: 012 258 9908/9, 071 791 7712 or visit monkeysanctuary.co.za
markets Melrose House Antique Fair Buy antique bargains and enjoy food from stalls while you walk around the grounds and visit the museum. 1 May. Time: 8am–4pm. Venue: Melrose House Museum, 275 Jeff Masemola St, Pretoria. Cost: R10, includes entrance to the museum. Contact: 012 358 9999 or visit tshwane.gov.za Princess Christian Home’s mini market There are bargain prices on items such as clothing, kitchenware, handbags, baked goods, linen, books and magazines. All proceeds go towards the Princess Christian Home. Additional donations are welcome. 8 May. Time: 8am–12pm. Venue: Princess Christian Home, 120 Middel St, New Muckleneuk. Cost: free entry. Contact: 012 460 2221 or visit pch24.org The Stall night market A niche food and wine market with live entertainment. 28 May. Time: 5pm–9pm. Venue: Southdowns Shopping Centre, cnr John Vorster Dr and Karee St, Irene, Centurion. Cost: free entry. Contact: 012 472 8926 or visit southdownscentre.co.za
on stage and screen All Directions A tribute to the music of the British pop boy band, One Direction. Also on the bill are artists who share the airwaves, charts and award-winning nominations with the group, such as Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Avicci, Taylor Swift and more. 2 May. Time: 2pm. Venue: Barnyard Theatre Parkview, shop F92 Parkview Shopping Centre, cnr Garsfontein Rd and Netcare St, Moreleta Park. Cost: R100. Contact: 012 368 1555 or visit barnyardtheatre.co.za Aspoestertjie A brand-new Afrikaans pantomime based on the well-known fairytale, Cinderella. This romantic comedy has been adapted to incorporate nuances that will leave adults in stitches, while the little ones will be enchanted by fantastical costumes, dance and song. 1–31 May. Time: 8pm Wednesday–Saturday, 11am and 3pm Saturday and Sunday. Venue: Theatre of Marcellus at Emperors Palace, 64 Jones Rd, Kempton Park. Cost: R180– R250. Contact: 011 928 1297/1213 or visit emperorspalace.com
Crown of the Russian Ballet Graduates of the best Russian choreography schools have prepared a special programme devoted to the great Russian composer Tchaikovsky. 1–3 May. Time: 3pm. Venue: South African State Theatre, 320 Pretorius St, Pretoria. Cost: R150–R280. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com Sing On! This play brings to life all the perils and pitfalls of performing theatre productions, especially when done with more pride than professionalism by an amateur company pleading for pity while their prayers to St Genesius, the patron saint of actors, clowns, musicians and torture victims, go unanswered. 1, 2, 8 and 9 May. Time: 7:30pm. Venue: Irene Village Hall, Pioneer Rd, Irene. Cost: R70, pensioners and children under 12 years old R40. Contact: 079 697 6647 or visit quicket.co.za Tomorrowland In Disney’s latest mystery adventure, a jaded scientist and an optimistic teen embark on a danger-filled mission to unearth the secrets of an enigmatic place somewhere in time and space known only as Tomorrowland. Premieres 22 May in cinemas nationwide. For more info: visit disney.com/tomorrowland
sport and physical activities Cliffhanger This is an indoor climbing gym suitable for children and adults. There are introductory courses for beginners. Time: 4pm–9pm Monday–Friday, 10am–8pm Saturday, 10am–6pm Sunday and public holidays. Venue: Climbing Barn, plot 210, Korhaan St, Mooiplaats. Cost: adults R70, students R65, children R60. Contact: 082 335 3220 or visit climbingbarn.co.za Like2Bike MTB skills course This clinic is aimed at entrenching safety and bicycle control. Booking essential. Fundamental skills course for 2–12 year olds 10 May; intermediate skills course for 6–14 year olds 31 May. Time: 9am–11am. Venue: Northern Farm, R114 to Diepsloot, Nietgedacht. Cost: R250, pre-entries only. Contact: 083 326 6721 or visit like2bike.co.za
only for parents classes, talks and workshops An introduction to mindfulness An introductory workshop for parents and teachers who wish to have a greater understanding of the benefits of using
mindfulness to reduce overall anxiety and stress in their lives and the lives of the children in their care. Booking essential. For parents and children 12 years and older. 23 May. Time: 11am–1pm. Venue: Alkantrant Library, cnr Daventry Rd and Lynburn Rd, Lynnwood Manor. Cost: R200, R250 for one adult and their teen, includes introductory manual and CD. Contact: 072 645 2984 or visit mindfullivingacademy.com Basic photography workshop A basic course on understanding your camera’s settings so that you can take better photos of the moments that matter. Presented in English and Afrikaans. Booking essential. For adults and teenagers 13 years and older. 9 May. Time: 9am–1pm. Venue: Laughing Chefs Restaurant, 217 Soutpansberg Rd, Rietondale. Cost: R800, includes a light lunch. Contact: 082 436 3546 or visit moniquebrits.com French art classes Learn French during a fun, interactive art class that takes place twice a month. Booking essential. 9 and 23 May. Time: 9am–12pm. Venue: 99 Rivier St, Sunnyside. Cost: R180 per month. Contact: 012 343 6563 or info.pretoria@ alliance.org.za
on stage and screen Gershwin Songbook Featuring the Charl du Plessis Trio performing musical gems by American composer and pianist George Gershwin. 10 May. Time: 6pm. Venue: Atterbury Theatre, 4 Daventry St, Lynnwood. Cost: R130–R190. Contact: 012 471 1700 or visit atterburyteater.co.za The Impresario Mozart’s comical oneact opera, Der Schauspieldirektor (The Impresario), is a quirky, hilarious production performed in German with a modernised English text. 27, 29 and 31 May, Time: 8pm Wednesday and Friday, 3pm Sunday. Venue: Greenlyn Village Centre, shop 21, cnr Thomas Edison St and 13th St, Menlo Park. Cost: R115–R220. Contact: 012 460 6033 or visit brooklyntheatre.co.za
out and about Coffee tasting Hear the story of coffee and learn about palate development and how to prepare the perfect cup. Booking essential. For 16 years and older. 16 May. Time: 10am–1pm. Venue: Simo’s Coffee Roastery, Karoo Café, 141 Lynnwood Rd, The Willows. Cost: R250, includes coffee tasting and a light meal. Contact: 082 562 3121 or visit simoscoffee.co.za
Think Theatre’s Othello
18 mon
A vital learning aid for secondary school learners studying Shakespeare’s stage tragedy as a set work. The great play continues to hold today’s audiences in its grip, as its core themes of love, envy and betrayal remain powerfully relevant to the human condition. 18–22 May. Time: 9am and 12pm Monday–Friday. Venue: Brooklyn Theatre, Greenlyn Village Centre, cnr Thomas Edison St and 13th St, Menlo Park. Cost: R100, pensioners and scholars R75. Contact: 033 343 4884, 084 556 0668, doreen@thinktheatre.co.za or visit thinktheatre.co.za
magazine pretoria
Free day for seniors Senior citizens older than 60 years can enjoy free entry into the zoo, the aquarium and the reptile park. The day starts with complimentary tea, coffee and biscuits at the zoo’s Flamingo Restaurant. Bookings at the restaurant are essential. 12 May. Time: 8:30am–4:30pm. Venue: National Zoological Gardens, 232 Boom St, Pretoria. Cost: free for senior citizens, adults R85, children R55. Contact: 012 339 2700, info@nzg.ac.za or visit nzg.ac.za The Harvest Festival A day of fun with more than 30 top wine farms, gourmet food, and live demonstrations by the SA Chefs Association and Johan Badenhorst from Voetspore. There are complimentary transfers from the Gautrain and secure parking close by. 1–3 May. Time: from 9am. Venue: Leriba Hotel and Spa, Centurion. Cost: R130. Book through Computicket: 0861 915 8000 or visit computicket.com
support groups FAMSA Pretoria Provides assistance to families and individuals in need of counselling. Venue: 218 Lange St, Brooklyn. Contact: 012 460 0733/8, famsa@absamail. co.za or visit famsa.org.za
bump, baby & Tot in tow
classes, talks and workshops Baby and Toddler Care course Childminders are taught all there is to know about caring for your little one, from hygiene, safety and HIV awareness to nutrition, balancing housework and childminding, and changing a nappy. Booking essential. For caregivers of babies and toddlers. 23 and 30 May. Time: 8:30am–3:30pm. Venue: Castle Walk Shopping Centre, cnr Lois Ave and Nossob St, Erasmuskloof. Cost: R1 500. Contact: 011 467 0831, 083 625 8033, marinda@nanniesintraining.co.za or visit nanniesintraining.co.za Moms, babes and tots workshop The programme is designed to provide activities that help to stimulate gross and fine motor milestones, and aid in sensory development, progression of play, emotional and social development, and parental education. Classes are bilingual. For babies 2–36 months old. Time: varies. Venues: Centurion, The Willows, Pretoria East and Pretoria North. Cost: varies. Contact head office: 011 469 1530 or visit momsandtots.co.za
it’s party time
Kindermusik
support groups
For more help planning your child’s party visit
childmag.co.za/resources/birthday-parties
Down’s syndrome support For parents of newly diagnosed babies and/or older children born with Down’s syndrome. Contact: 012 664 8871 (8am–1pm Monday–Friday) or visit downs.org.za Post Natal Depression Support Association of South Africa A nonprofit association dedicated to supporting women going through postnatal depression. Contact: 082 882 0072, help@ pndsa.org.za or visit pndsa.org.za
how to help Butterflies for Kids with Cancer Join the Mosaic Association of South Africa (MASA) in creating cheerful butterflies in mosaic to be displayed at entrance halls to oncology wards and other wards that look after children with cancer. You can make the butterfly on your own or take part in one of the nationwide workshops on 9 May. Proceeds will go towards the Little Fighters Cancer Trust. Closing date 28 August. Time: 9am–12:30pm. Venue: workshops in Boksburg, Fourways, Midrand, Nigel, Meyers Park, Witbank and Hartbeespoort. Cost: R50 donation, children under 18 years old can donate voluntarily. Contact: 082 923 2299, info@mosaicassociation. co.za or visit mosaicassociation.co.za SPCA Pet Photo Competition Submit a photo of your pet and stand a chance to win a prize. The proceeds go towards the Tshwane SPCA. 1 March–30 June. Cost: R50 per entry. Contact: admin@spcapta. org.za or visit Facebook: TshwaneSPCA
playtime and story time Kindermusik A music and movement stimulation programme for children from birth to 8 years old. Time: varies. Venue: Stimustation, 44 Alexandra St, Doringkloof. Cost: tbc. Contact: 012 667 5199 or info@ stimustation.co.za
1 March–30 June – SPCA Pet Photo Competition
don’t miss out! For a free listing, email your event to pretoria@childmag.co.za or fax it to 011 234 4971. Information must be received by 30 April for the June issue, and must include all relevant details. No guarantee can be given that it will be published. To post an event online, visit childmag.co.za
magazine pretoria
May 2015
29
finishing touch
roughing it ANÉL LEWIS discovers that camping is hardly glamorous, onor, almost three, has started expressing his dislike for things. He’ll point to something, such as a piece of cauliflower, and say: “What’s this?” And then when told, he’ll promptly respond with, “I don’t like it.” Much to our annoyance, it seems to be his default setting at the moment. So we weren’t sure if he would be too enamoured with a weekend away, spent sleeping in a tent with not an iPad or Thomas the Train DVD in sight. Erin was easier to win over. She loves trying new things – as long as it involves chocolate somewhere along the way. I’ve only camped once with my husband – back in the day when we were still in the early blush of our relationship. Carefree and spontaneous, we somehow managed to pack all the food and clothing we needed for our camping trip into two panniers attached to our motorbike. Today we could do with a moving van to get all the gear to the campsite. And that’s just for the children’s stuff! Erin packed four blankets, three dolls and insisted on bringing her
Erin, Anél and Conor
gumboots – just in case. Conor refused to get into the car unless he had a couple of train carriages and a few random pieces of railway track in his hands. With all these “essential” items loaded, we managed to set off for our first family weekend away from the comforts of home. Conor still sleeps in our bed, so we weren’t sure if he would share a mattress with Erin during the trip. But after several hours spent exploring the campsite and riding their bikes with new friends, both children were exhausted.
In fact, they were so knackered that they put themselves to sleep on their mattress without so much as a peep. We were not so lucky with our sleep setup. Our blow-up mattress, bought circa the bike trip of several years ago, had developed a few punctures. Of course, we only discovered this at about 2am when I woke up to find my face mashed against a tent pole as I lay flat on the cold ground. The following night, we put two mattresses on top of each other in the hope that the second one would provide some
buoyancy when the damaged mattress deflated. But it ended up operating like a waterbed, and at some stage in the early hours of the morning, I found myself rolling around like a rubber dinghy in Hout Bay harbour during a southeaster every time Craig turned over. Finally, on the third night, tortured by the cacophony of Craig and Conor’s combined snoring, I relocated to the car where I slept like a baby. Mattress problems aside, the experience was magical for the children. They swam in the river, played with new friends and spent the evenings riding their bicycles under the stars. And as we packed up the car to head back home, where Thomas was waiting and firm mattresses beckoned, we heard Conor say loudly to Erin: “Camping. I like it.” Anél Lewis is recovering from her camping experience with some long baths and extra pillows on the bed. She’s also trawling the Classifieds for an extra-strong blow-up mattress – and repair kit – before she will consider setting up tent again.
family marketplace
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May 2015
magazine pretoria
PHOTOGRAPH: Susie Leblond Photography
c
but it can be a truly magical experience for children.