PUZZLE ZONE
ACROSS 1. Village’s population 5. Suitor 7. Thin candle 8. Musical pitch 9. Skin irritation 10. Curtain 11. Restive 13. Brave deed
14. More effortless 18. Be thrifty 21. Karate blow 22. Lessens 24. Circle (planet) 25. Load-bearing post 26. Become weary 27. Final figure 28. Rock band’s sound
boosters 29. Long-handled spoons DOWN 1. Salad leaf vegetable 2. Rink 3. Learn for exam 4. Spreads out untidily 5. Shorter
6. Hail as 12. Witness (event) 15. Religious non-belief 16. Brings from overseas 17. Hare relatives 19. Male swan 20. Crayon drawings 22. Coral isle 23. Behaved
Puzzles supplied by Lovatts Publications Pty Ltd www.lovattspuzzles.com See page 11 for solutions.
THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE... AND OTHER SHORT STORIES
The Future of Cinema is a Cow and We’re Milking It By Stuart McCullough PERHAPS it’s a fad. One in which you take something that’s beloved the world over and quite possibly ruin it forever. It’s a delicate balance. The law of diminishing returns (which, in terms of seriousness, ranks somewhere between cattle rustling and failing to give way to the right at an intersection) means that things can only get worse. But in the never-ending arm wrestle between art and commerce, the former is puny stick of a human and the latter has biceps that take three days to circumnavigate by boat. It’s an uneven contest. No matter the risk, the lure of filthy lucre wins out. It’s as though all new the ideas have vanished and all that’s left is to remake things that were perfectly fine to begin with. As a result, a slew of live-action remakes of animated classics are flooding cinemas. These films not only risk tarnishing an almighty legacy but also, as a bonus, may well spoil whatever childhood memories you have left. You’ve got some nerve, Disney. ‘Dumbo’, ‘The Lion King’, ‘Aladdin’ – the list of remakes stretches out over the horizon. The only question is: why? Aladdin was a great film. I remember piling into the back of a van with my housemates on a group excursion to Southland to see it back in 1992. We were living in a seven bedroom house in St Kilda and, given the occupants were all young men in their twenties, it was precisely as unhygienic as it sounds. Trips to shopping centres for us were few and far between. It was a more innocent era - back when you could still get five weekly videos for ten bucks and watching every movie ever made by John Cusack in sequential order was considered an act of science rather than dazzling act of frippery. So what made the original ‘Aladdin’ so good? The answer is surprisingly simple. You could single out the cutting-edge animation, the script or the music for praise but, in reality, there was
PAGE 8
one thing that made ‘Aladdin’ terrific: Robin Williams. By remaking the film as a live-action movie, the folks at Disney have sacrificed the thing that made the original so successful by replacing Robin Williams with Will Smith. Don’t get me wrong: nobody likes the Fresh Prince of Bel Air more than I do, but it’s just not the same. And by ‘just not the same’ I really mean, ‘not nearly as good.’ If I’m being honest, I’m less troubled by a live-action remake of ‘The Lion King’. This is partly because I never saw the original so it can’t possibly despoil a sacred childhood memory and because James Earl Jones will reprise
Chelsea Mordialloc Mentone News 10 July 2019
his role as Mustafa, which is oddly comforting. Besides, the new version will feature Donald Glover and Beyonce; both of whom are wildly talented and can do no wrong. It’s a shame they’re not considering a live action remake of ‘Fantasia’ with Hunter S. Thompson in the role originally performed by Mickey Mouse. Now that would really be something. What I really want to know is if this is just the start of something bigger? And if live-action remakes of once-popular animated films proves to be a money-printing machine, then presumably it’s only a matter of time before it goes the other way. Whilst I’ve been resistant to the whole
‘live action’ remake trend, I’m intrigued by the possibility of animated remakes of live-action films. The possibilities are endless. I, for one, would love to see an animated remake of ‘The Godfather’. Whilst the original with Marlon Brando and Al Pacino was pretty good, it could’ve been vastly improved by including a few songs by Randy Newman. ‘You Got a Friend In Me’ would be wholly transformed in the hands of Don Corleone. It’d also be a great chance to give the world the sequels it’s long been waiting for. Hollywood loves sequels. ‘Gone with the Wind’ was okay when it had Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh, but ‘GWTW 2’ would be fantastic as claymation. ‘Citizen Kane’ with sock puppets is not so much an outlandish idea that desecrates an act of genius as it is inevitable. And if the major studios don’t have the gumption to produce it, it’ll be filmed by a 12 year old on an iPhone and will likely be lauded as being even better than the original. ‘Terms of Endearment’ will be a Manga spectacular featuring Kim Kardashian as the voice of Aurora Greenway and Boris Johnson as Garrett Breedlove. ‘Ben Hur’ would be remade as a piece of flick pad animation. It’d be heaps cheaper and much better for the horses. Soon, the local Cineplex will be chock-a-block full of brand new films that you’ve already seen. So where is all this taking us? Once upon a time de ja vu was a mildly disturbing sensation you felt from time to time for free. Now it’s a mildly disturbing sensation you experience in the dark with a room full of strangers, after parting with seventeen bucks whilst you’re up to the elbow in a bucket of popcorn. Wonders will never cease, although they probably should. So excuse me if I skip the latest incarnation of ‘Aladdin’. I liked it just the way it was. stuart@stuartmccullough.com