Unearthing Your Truth: Astrology Edition

By Maddy Black

Lockdown is the perfect time to bravely look inwards and confront your demons, whether you’re terrorised daily by existential dread or genuinely enjoyed Emily In Paris. It’s ok babe! Societal regression is sooo in right now. We’re in a collective flop era and there’s a gorgeous sense of community in that. Lockdown has given us the opportunity to consolidate what we care about and want to do when hugging your mum isn’t punishable by guillotine, and that’s a silver lining! Wow, I just sprained my Achilles tendon making that reach. Anyway, sometimes, to unearth your true self, you need to look to other planets. If finding solace in vague spiritual truths helps you to cope then that’s a certified slay. Because here’s the thing—the future is ALWAYS unprecedented (put it on a H&M t-shirt am I right gurliez). So although we can’t lay claim to any kind of spiritual authority, we thought we’d take a guess at how each star sign is dealing with the whole apocalypse sitch.

Aries: The idea of the pandemic wasting your prime years is really starting to get to you. But the truth is that your prime years will actually last well into your thirty, flirty and thriving era. Usually the life of the party, you’re probably bouncing off the walls right now, and the desire to be impulsive could not be more strong. Maybe ask some boys on Tinder why we can’t print more money to blow off some steam?

Taurus: Everything’s going pretty good apart from that festering Amazon addiction… Do you really want to put money into the pockets of people like Jeff Bezos? He looks like he hasn’t registered an emotion since childhood. That man has the face of a smooth, smooth egg. Grow up and support an independent bookstore.

Gemini: You’re very horny right now. That’s all I’ll say.

Cancer: The loneliness is hitting some harder than others, but for you, it’s being starved of romance that’s the clincher. Unfortunately, that dream has to be put to bed. Unless you’re playing tonsil tennis through two pieces of synthetic fabric, newsflash sweetheart—you’re morally bankrupt. Take a long hard look in the mirror and unless you see Shailene Woodley in front of you, drop the main character dystopia fantasy.

Leo: Oh my god, sending you all the love in the world. Attention seekers have become one of the most marginalised communities during Covid and I want you to know that your struggle is absolutely valid. Being cooped up is your idea of hell—but don’t worry! I promise people haven’t forgotten you exist just because you haven’t posted on your Instagram story in five days.

Virgo: Well it’s definitely not possible to impose order on a pandemic stricken world by buying pastel coloured highlighters…. or do you know something we don’t? Either way, try not to get too caught up in your relationship with control.

Libra: Life is starting to feel like Britney’s conservatorship—old white men telling you what to do on the daily, and you can’t help but think that by the time we get out of this the knees might not even let you slut-drop anymore… Suddenly you’re thinking—do I even want to go back to normal life? The kind of indecisiveness that usually plagues you on the daily is now making you feel uncertain about The Great After, but in reality it’s that same cautious nature that ensures the path you will eventually take is a steady one.

Scorpio: You’re usually a little intense, so throw three lockdowns in and you’ve got a recipe for chaos. Remember to take one day at a time! Negotiating all those different lockdown ambitions and plans can be mentally draining—I’m talking about the umpteenth business plans you’ve got written down in that daily planner you bought to try and girlboss-ify yourself. Calm down. It’s time to stop watering that little seed of a thought ‘Maybe I should get into the stock market’ and focus on hydrating your bod instead. In fact, this is officially a Drink Water checkpoint.

Sagittarius: Sags are famously globetrotters, so we reckon you’re probably looking at a map of Florence and drooling all over your harem trousers rn. Absolutely fair enough, but have you ever considered that true freedom comes from within… ok your eyes are rolling into the back of your head. Nvm.

Capricorn: How’s your diet of 5 different forms of media at once treating you? At this point you’ve had to evict all your core memories to make space for yet another Tiktok dance. Linear thought? We don’t know her.

Aquarius: ‘I actually…don’t even mind lockdown that much’—You (March 2020). Now? Honey, it might as well be Eat Out To Help Out the way you’re eating your words. Though you’re usually the independent type, the pandemic has made you more appreciative of the important relationships and communities in your life.

Pisces: Hey babe. I know you’ve been weeping your sexy little eyes out to those montages that your phone randomly makes from The Before Time, but I need you to stop. Feeling Absolutely Everything™️ might be your favourite hobby, but there’s too much going on right now.

Here you have it, folks! Do what you will with these but remember, at the end of the day, you decide your destiny, not some stars, planets and part-time student astrologers.