The Cheese Grater THE OTHER MAGAZINE OF UCL UNION Issue 36 — Winter 2012
CHUCKLE VISIONARIES Paul and Barry’s books reviewed
IT’S ALL IN THE GAME Jeremy Bowen interviews Neil Strauss
CLOISTER CHEF Getting a taste for on-campus catering
EGGED ON Students plan radical break from NUS
KEEPING ONESELF OCCUPIED Teenager seizes sitting room from family
RUGBY BALLS-UP This and more in our UCLU round-up
KNOW YOUR UNIONS Twitter feed of neutral observer Will Rowland Last week Pi Media Society held an EGM during which a motion was successfully passed to merge Pi Newspaper with Pi Magazine. News and sport will move online, whereas Pi Magazine will gain additional sections previously covered by the paper, including science, and a new investigative section. This was only a merger in as much as a fox eating a dying pigeon can be said to be a merger. Pi Magazine has improved greatly over the last two years, from glossy nothingness to a much higher quality publication than Pi Newspaper and now Pi Magazine has
Pi Newspaper folds after six difficult years gobbled up its weaker sister publication. The death of the paper has been on the cards for a while. Killian Redden, Pi Magazine editor-in-chief, and others were overheard discussing it at the UCLU Arts Ball in May. The merger emanated from a ‘clique’ made up of the two magazine editors, Malika Giles and Killian Redden, and two magazine section editors, Louis Robertson and Ghada Habib, who all live together. Ex-editor of the newspaper Ava Lloyd said “as soon as Killian and Malika were elected they made it clear to me that they were planning a merger.” Killian and Malika persuaded Pi Media society
President Hayley Cameron to get on board, finally leading to the merger being accepted with only one vote against it. Pi Newspaper has been in a sorry state this year. A redesign spearheaded by co-editor Kit Weaver left the front page looking horrible. A huge amount of space was devoted to advertising “classic games and puzzles on the back page”. There was one puzzle, a crossword, which was easily discovered by turning the paper over. The headlines read like bizarre snatches of overheard conversations “Arts societies take performances on tour” and (Cont’d on page four)
2 Winter 2012 The Cheese Grater
Down Your Union Norman De Plume Men’s Rugby has been disaffiliated from UCLU on “sexual harassment” grounds after pornography was left by the men’s team in the Phineas bar. The club are appealing the decision, the result of which will be divulged on Friday. If the appeal is unsuccessful they will be unable to compete in fixtures. UCLU Democracy and Communications Officer Sam Gaus told us that rugby had been forced out of UCLU for four or five different offences, only one of which was the pornography left in Phineas. Our rugby club contact commented on the UCLU decision saying it was “quite convenient for the union though because they fucked up Varsity a treat this year.” Finding a venue to host this year’s match had been proving difficult. Twickenham Stoop, the previous hosts of Varsity, has refused to host the competition again due to the crowd violence last year.
Between Roxy and a hard place UCL ‘SportsNite’ will be leaving The Roxy at the end of the term. The twelve largest sports clubs have signed a contract to take the Wednesday night fixture to The Loop Bar, Oxford Street, starting from January. The committees of at least fifteen of the larger sports clubs pushed for the move because of the queuing times experienced at The Roxy. David Brucie Morris, a regular at ‘SportsNite’, said of The Roxy: “the fairytale romance will all never be forgotten… The Roxy is a palace of dreams,” but added “Wednesday nights have outgrown” the club. The Roxy and now The Loop give sports societies financial incentives to bring members to their clubs. According to one sports team insider, The Loop is offering more money to societies than The Roxy was. Another factor in the decision to move may be the new venue’s offer of free entry and a separate “elite” queue for committee members. For those who are not benefitting from the perks of committee membership, the entry price will be £3 until 11 and £5 after that. The Loop Bar describes itself as “a mecca” and “a dedicated party playground”, with a dress code of “smart but funky, casual
but clean”. One previous member of squash society described The Roxy as “just the worst” and “vile”, so perhaps the move to this so-described boozy Elysium is a good move by the sports teams.
Get out of my space UCL occu-bloc were back on campus two weeks ago when around forty students entered and occupied the Wilkins Garden Room on 29th November. The target of their anger was UCL Stratford: the university’s continuing plan to build a 23 acre campus in the east end, costing £1bn, and displacing 700 residents who currently live on the Carpenters estate. Of the forty or fifty people who entered the room on Wednesday, only about ten were there overnight – with numbers the next day dropping as low as five or six. During the two days it lasted residents from Carpenters estate came and visited the occupation. It was all over by Friday evening when UCL delivered a high court injunction to the occupiers. Fearing legal fees and other costs in the region of £40,000, the occupiers made a hasty exit. Some of the same faces organized a protest against UCL’s plans in the quad on the 5th December and are conducting tours for UCL students of the estate in Stratford.
Poppycock The campaign to no-confidence ULU Vice President, Daniel Cooper, over ‘poppygate’ continues. After Cooper declined to lay a wreath at the University of London’s remembrance service in November all hell broke loose on Facebook and Twitter. A Facebook group was quickly set up by angry students, many of them Conservatives, demanding that Cooper resign. UCL students involved in the push for no-con include Will Hall, ex-Tory soc president and the current Tory soc president, Matthew Corner. The clicktivists have begun collecting signatures for a petition for a referendum on confidence in Cooper, which will go ahead if it reaches 250 names. ULU president Michael Chessum has said that the signatures are being collected in an “insecure” way and for this reason the
Society Bitch According to disgraced UCL Tory, Matthew Gibbard, female candidates for UCLU positions are elected based upon their breasts. When Harry Ives, UCL Tories general sec, asked on Twitter who was with him in running for UCLU, Matthew Gibbard replied saying that a previous Tory candidate for Women’s officer had lost the election because “her breasts were too intimidating #liberation”. Ives later told Gibbard to retract the tweet, which he hasn’t. Women’s network described Gibbard’s words as “shameful”. UCL’s already saturated economics societies market is about to get a new member. The bitchily named “UCLU Better Economics Society” is having its first meeting on Wednesday. Its founder, Tom Youngman of People and Planet Society, told us he’s hoping to “create a storm”. I’ll get my brolly. UCL Lib Dems president Edan Foulgham-Levene has released a parody of Gangnam style on YouTube, named “Home Counties Style!”. The awful video includes lyrics such as: “I’ve got it made… I work in the city and I’m quite well paid… I always wear a suit cos I think I’ll get laid.” Party on Edan. petition as it stands will not be accepted; ULU trustee board has seconded this point. Even if the referendum does go ahead, the level of support for the noconfidence campaign is not clear. The ‘Dan Cooper must resign’ Facebook group has over 1,700 ‘likes’ but the proportion of those who are University of London students, or even students, is uncertain. A different page on Facebook, containing many of the same names as the sack Cooper page, has been established demanding that the sabbatical officers of ULU be abolished altogether.
The Cheese Grater Winter 2012 3
Chessum revels while Liam Burns Student campaign group plans rival to NUS Oscar Webb The National Campaign Against Fees and Cuts, love-child of ULU President Michael Chessum and other student activists, laid preliminary plans at its conference last weekend to establish a new student organisation, the ‘Federation of Fighting Students Unions’. Inspired in part by the recently established Québécoise student federation ASSÉ, which fought for and won the abolition of tuition fees in Québec, the NCAFC federation idea is the newest move by the radical left to challenge NUS leadership in this country. On a more personal level, it seems, having failed to be elected Vice President of the NUS two years in a row, Chessum has decided to establish his own union. Although the plans are in their infancy, Chessum’s proposal suggests the ‘federation’ will function primarily as a funding channel for NCAFC’s anti-cuts, anti-fees and liberation campaigning, participating students’ unions paying affiliation fees. Chessum says affiliation fees will be used in a “fighting way”. In return for affiliation, student union officers will receive ‘activist training’ and instruction on how to make ‘radical reforms’
to their unions. Although for the time being student unions will be able to affiliate to both the NUS and the FFSU, there is talk amongst some left dominated SUs – including UCLU – of disaffiliation from the NUS. The ‘federation’ comes out of the NUS’s perceived failure to fight against tuition fees. “The NUS is the only student union in the world that failed to fight when fees were introduced and subsequently when they were raised twice,” says Maham Hashmi, SOAS SU officer and NCAFC activist. The NCAFC also see the NUS as little more than a career path for aspiring Labour hacks. “It is largely run by people who don’t believe in even the principle of free education,” says Chessum. “I hate the NUS,” said Sam Gaus, UCLU Democracy and Communications Officer. NCAFC and the radical left have been challenging the NUS’s monopoly on the ‘student voice’ for the last two years but the 21st November demo brought their dissatisfaction to a head when eggs and a small satsuma were thrown at NUS president Liam Burns. “It was a miserable route, a miserable rally led by miserable people,” said Edwin
Clifford-Coupe, UCLU Education and Campaigns Officer and NCAFC activist. Estimates of numbers on the NUS organised march range between 4,000 and 10,000 people, in stark contrast to the 40-50,000-strong marches organized by NCAFC in 2010. Add to this a route that bypassed Parliament and ended in a soggy field in Kennington and student anger in egg form was “understandable” says Clifford-Coupe. After the protest, Liam Burns was apparently bumped off Newsnight, the programme instead inviting Alice Swift, a NCAFC activist to represent the student voice. The ‘federation’ idea was presented to NCAFC conference on Saturday, getting an “overwhelmingly positive” response said Luke Durigan, UCLU activist and newly elected NCAFC national committee member. On Sunday the conference voted to hold an emergency session in spring 2013 exclusively to discuss implementation of the ‘FFSU’ idea – “It will be done” said Durigan. NUS Press officer, Alex Jones, told us he was aware of the NCAFC ‘federation’ plan but made no comment on the NUS’s position towards it.”
Pick your own NUS demo route! MILLWALL 3
COVENT GARDEN 1
CHIPPING NORTON 4
ULU (MALET STREET)
MUSWELL HILL 2
Option 1: Why waste time marching all the way to Westminster when you can endlessly shuttle back and forth between ULU and Covent Garden? If it rains you can always hop on the Northern Line instead. Option 2: If history has taught us anything it’s that whoever holds the high ground is more likely to succeed. By seizing the peaks of London, victory is all but assured. Option 3: No-one likes Millwall. No-one likes Millwall. Super Millwall. Let’s all go to Millwall. Option 4: Strike at the true heart of power by quick-marching the entire NUS body 75 miles to the constituency home of the Prime Minister. Demonstrating in the local Co-op is bound to make the establishment sit up and take note of our struggle. Also, the village green is lovely.
4 Winter 2012 The Cheese Grater
Delusions of an egotist Breaking up is never easy J D Becchio She was sat alone in the corner of the café as I entered. Something wasn’t right. I could sense it in the way she was texting – far more suspiciously than usual. She was probably BBMing her secret lover or something, mocking me behind my back. But I had to stay cool and suppress my fears – like Batman in the film Batman Begins, when all those bats fly out of that cave and he just stands there like, ‘Yeah, bring it bats’ and they fly right past him. I walked over to her. “Oh. Hello Karen. Fancy seeing you here.” “I invited you here,” she replied. “We need to talk Brian.” “What about?” “About us. You’re too paranoid Brian. And you keep referencing your own life against fictional film characters for some reason…” This wasn’t good. The direction of the
conversation was rapidly slipping out of my control – I desperately needed to interject a witty put down to re-assert my authority over the situation. “…perhaps I could’ve told you earlier in our relationship. No, I should’ve told you but-” “Could’a should’a would’a are the last words of a fool, Karen” I said, slamming my fist down on the table. I could tell from her shocked expression that my retort had had the desired effect. She was on the back foot. Now was the time to ram home my advantage – like Liam Neeson in the film Taken, when he slammed that Algerian guy’s head in a car door despite the fact he was already unconscious. “I grow weary of this conversation,” I said, getting to my feet. “We’ll continue it another time.” Noticing that I’d not drunk any of the coffee she’d bought for me, I tossed a 20p piece onto the table. “Keep the change.” And with this great
act of generosity, I took my leave. I was going to need to take a firmer hand with Karen. She’d become alarmingly candid with me of late – this being the third time she’d tried to break up with me in five days. I decided the only way to secure our relationship was to remain constantly aloof and disdainful. Then she’ll love me. Then they’ll all love me. In my haste however, I’d completely forgotten that I had no idea where to go. I was lost and alone in a city I didn’t understand – just like Babe in the film Babe: Pig in the City. Unable to continue, I curled up beneath the nearest hedge and went to sleep.
Live and let Pi
make changes. It wasn’t that The Tab took Pi Newspaper’s readers, as it didn’t really have any to begin with. It was more that The Tab, with its 16,000 hits a week, had challenged Pi by demonstrating that students are actually interested in reading the news. By moving Pi’s news content online the hope is to gain a share in this market. The Pi website, which has historically been neglected, has received some attention this year – several hundred pounds were paid out for a large scale redesign. Unfortunately, this updated design makes a feature of highlighting the three separate wings of Pi: magazine, paper and media. As one of these wings is now defunct the designer will need to be paid again. Renewed attention to the website has been more of the financial kind rather than the actually-giving-a-shit kind. Issue no. 44, which came out almost two months ago, has still not been put online.
If the website wants to approach The Tab’s levels on readers, the site’s editors-in-chief have to start putting up daily content in order to encourage repeat visits. The problem is that they have restricted their online content to news and sport only. There simply isn’t enough news at UCL to have content every day – The Tab keeps its website full through comment pieces. UCL deserves a good student newspaper, something of broadsheet scope to provide a foil to The Tab. Good student papers like Oxford University’s The Cherwell are run on the enthusiasm, seriousness and dedication of their non-sabbatical editors. In passing the merger under the banner of inevitable change, Pi have failed to admit how much these qualities were lacking both in the print issue of the newspaper and in their attitude to their website. Our hope is that the merger will break Pi’s stale habits and allow the editors to demonstrate these qualities.
(Cont’d from page one) “Bloomsbury Masterplan leading to ‘death of community’ in East London and potential ransack of student space”. The latter is long and false whereas the former is true but boring. Kit Weaver quietly resigned a month before the EGM. However, the merger was not sold to Pi members on the grounds of specific incompetence. Instead, it was passed on the ticket that there are fundamental problems with the very idea of having a printedition student paper at UCL. Hayley Cameron in an email to members said “it is impossible to print a weekly newspaper” and because of this “Pi Newspaper has lost its relevance”. The reasons cited for this at the EGM were the lack of a sabbatical editor and the rise of online media. The emergence of The Tab, an online tabloid concerning UCL, put pressure on Pi to
Contributors: Hugh Bassett, John Bell, Alex Daish, James Donaldson-Briggs, Bo Franklin, Charlie Hayton, Michael Hindley, Yohann Koshy, Will Rowland and Oscar Webb.
The Cheese Grater Winter 2012 5
State of UCL Union
Similar to State of UCL Union
Lizo Mzimba @lizo_mzimba Follow
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Barry Chuckle @barry_chuckle Follow
State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 18:45 Another good day for me, I’m going to treat myself to a glass of orange juice and a packet of plain crisps from the union. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 19:08 Not a good start guys. There are copies of the @LondonStudent strewn all over the floor, and people have stepped on them making them all muddy. #mud State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 19:12 As usual the lift doesn’t work, guess I will just pre-emptively burn off these crisps by taking the stairs. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 19:12 Wish people had some pride in their union. Some of the posters are overlapping and I can’t see the details. How frustrating, I love giving blood. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 19:32 Just been to the boys. The floor was all slippery and one urinal was full up with urine. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 19:35 Of course the taps don’t work. 87% 4* research but 100% of the taps don’t work at #UCL. I’ll try my luck at the Mully’s. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 19:38 Well, no wonder the lift is out of order. Someone’s done a sick in it. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 19:43 Tripped on a discarded porn mag and fell down the stairs. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 20:13 Eurgh, Mully’s smells like urine. At least I got my orange juice swiftly. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 20:27 That orange juice has gone straight through me. Need the boys again. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 20:35 The floor is very slippery in here and I fell over and banged my head on a urinal. Knocking the urinal made the wee in it tip out onto my head. When I got up I slipped over again. State of UCL Union @stateofuclu 20:41 Had enough of this and it’s well past my bedtime. That’s been your #stateoftheunion for the day followers.
6 Winter 2012 The Cheese Grater
Jeremy Bowen Interviews Neil Strauss Neil Strauss, as a highly regarded pop culture journalist, what has made you recently decide to turn your attention to middle eastern politics? Well Jeremy, I’ve always tried to stay out of politics, but during the recent escalations between Gaza and Israel, the requests kept on coming. ‘Oh Neil, please use your seminal bitch-baiting techniques outlined in your best-seller, ‘The Game’, to work out some sort of pacific solution to this age old conflict!’ And I’d be like ‘Whoah bitches,
99 Problems D’Shawanda “Hey B”, said Jay-Z, home from another long day at the office. “What’s for dinner?” He enquired, exhausted from all the paperwork. “Jelly” replied Beyoncé distantly, before going back to the washing up. “Can I have it now?” asked Jay, his stomach rumbling. “I only had soup for lunch.” She tilted her head to the side, “Hmmmmm. I don’t think you’re ready.” Her curtness forced Jay to think back to
This man has many problems
calm down! I’ll look into it, just stop going on about it you silly bitches!’
fair trade coffee?’ Before you know it, I’ll be rolling knee-deep in your pussay!
And did you look into it?
Interesting, but how does this relate to the Israel-Gaza conflict?
Yeah, I did some reading on the whole thing and was shocked. I knew straight away what was going on. Look, for the past sixty-years, what we’ve been seeing in the Middle-East is nothing but a protracted case of negging. Negging? Can you explain what this is? Certainly. Negging, as outlined in my bestseller ‘The Game’, is a technique whereby you pay a cloaked insult or backhanded compliment to a beautiful woman, catching her off guard, creating a fertile opening in her erratic psychology that you can exploit to get yourself laid. For example Jeremy, imagine you’re a beautiful woman.
So, when Israel shot that teenager a couple of weeks ago sparking off the current conflict? Negging. When Hamas kidnapped Gilad Shalit? Negging. When the International Court of Justice ruled Israel’s settlements in the West Bank illegal in 2004? That was some bad-ass judicial negging. What we have is a problem of mutual misunderstanding. Both parties misconstrue each-other’s neg as a sincere insult when all they really want is to get laid. I mean, who doesn’t? Am I right guys? You know what I’m talking about, guys.
How would you say the current conflict could be resolved?
Now, in order to try and sleep with you I’d say something like ‘Hey Jezzy baby, did your mother give birth to you backwards or something? Because you’ve got a face like a slapped arse. Would you like to go out for a
Both the Israeli Cabinet and Hamas leadership need to reread their copies of my best-selling seduction book ‘The Game’. Before you know it, they’ll be kneedeep in each other’s pussays!
the earlier, happier days of their courtship. “Where’s my cardigan? You know the one with the sleeves that are a bit too long?” “To the left” she countered, without missing a beat. She duly watched him go over to the side of the room. “No, to the left!” she cried, putting the jelly in the fridge to set and closing the door with her booty. “It’s in a box.” “Found it!” Suddenly his face fell, realising he had to ask the question that had been preying on his mind the whole subway journey home. He gulped, his hesitation was palpable. “Do you still love me?” She turned as if underwater. “Your love’s got me looking so crazy right now.” He could see the light in her eyes was gone. “Yes and my texture’s the best fur, I’m chinchilla, but that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You never give me a straight answer.” She half-smiled as if unsure how to react. He sat down in the chair they’d bought
at Ikea together last April he’d never really liked. “I just need something ….real.” Suddenly, Shakira popped out of the wardrobe and cried: “He’s just a beautiful liar!” “I told you not to listen to her Bey-bey!” He cried, turning to the tiny songstress. “How long have you been in there?” But it was too late; she’d gyrated her way out of the door and was already half way to Colombia. He looked over at his wife, “Look, sometimes I just wish you’d just be a little more empathetic. I mean, if you were a boy…” She looked at him with her unfeasibly large brown eyes. Perhaps there was hope for their relationship after all. “What I’m trying to say honey bee, is that when love takes over-” She immediately cut him off. “That’s Kelly Rowland, jackass”. She stormed out of the room. Jay went over to the fridge, plucked the jelly out and ate until he was full.
The Cheese Grater Winter 2012 7
Tales of the Brothers Chuckle Dual book review of works by Barry and Paul Chloé Growler Children’s entertainment duo the Chuckle Brothers, stars of Chucklevision, Chucklemaths and Chucklehounds, have released books independently of each other in the run up to Christmas. Barry Chuckle’s effort is ‘From Me, To You!’ a glossy, large-print autobiography full of light-hearted anecdotes from his long career in show business. Paul Chuckle has published ‘Tractatus Volo Vobis: The Selected Works of a Thinking Man’, a dense 2000 page collection that includes critical essays, poetry, a libretto and an extensive dream diary, all previously unpublished. Barry’s book is full of showbiz saccharin: “Having been able to make a living through entertaining people has been an utter privilege and a dream come true.” Paul takes a nuanced view in his essay ‘Being a being being me’. He writes “my performance in Chucklevision is like Caravaggio painting a shed. Sure, he could easily prep the surfaces and apply two even coats, but he’d be wasting his talent.” This feeling of lost potential led to Paul attempting to stage his own opera ‘Poseidon’s Bell’, a venture supported by his brother Barry. “I knew Paul was unhappy with his current career when he turned to me backstage at the Swansea Playhouse and said ‘this is
making me so unhappy.’ He asked me for an £80,000 loan to fund his opera and I gave it to him. He’s my brother after all.” The opera sadly ended in the preproduction phase, Paul having “blown the budget designing and creating the 18' high bronze bell. It’s on my lawn. It doesn’t even ring.” Paul’s next passion was poetry, “a considerably cheaper medium”. Here’s his poem ‘In a Station, it’s a Tube Station’: The apparition of these faces in the crowd; People are trying to catch the Tube. Probably on their way to work, They are sad because it is cramped.
Paul writes in the accompanying notes to the poem that he “was influenced by Ezra Pound somewhat here. I read on Encarta that Pound would start with 30 or 40 lines of poetry and delete it down to just a couple. With my poetry I turn that on its head- I start with no lines at all and then just add more and more until I think to myself ‘that’ll do’. ” The brothers’ views on comedy are markedly different. For Barry comedy, predictably, is all about “bringing people together and putting a smile on their face… Chucklevision nourishes the soul like a hot sausage roll”. In
Paul’s essay ‘Comedy is a life to those who think’ he bravely comments “Comedy is pain. Comedy is death. Comedy is dropping your keys down a drain and then falling in the drain and being racked with pain and then being dead and you still can’t find your keys. Comedy is spending fifteen grand on publishing your selected works and having yet to see a return.”
Paul’s Diary of Dreams • Tried to catch a bus, I couldn’t afford my fare and my moustache exploded. An image of a dead tulip. • I was at the opera, my elbows fell off and I couldn’t afford a ticket. An image of a dead potato. • I was back at school and everyone was laughing at me because I was naked. I tried to cover myself up with a book, but it crumbled into dust. An image of a dead oak.
Radical activism reaches Guildford Fourteen year old snatches living room from political oppressors Chad Hoy It has been announced via social media outlets that Andrew Stemley, 14, of Guildford will be occupying his family living room for the foreseeable future, in protest against what he describes as political and social oppression by his mother. When asked about his motives, he claimed that the injustice he suffers is “intolerable”, and that “occupying stuff seems to be a good way to protest. It keeps you warm and gives yourself something to do.” He has erected a tent in the sitting room and has hung a ‘property is theft’ banner from the chandelier-effect light fitting. We asked his mother Isobel, 42, about his
behaviour, and she told us that he’s “just being difficult because I stopped buying the crisps he likes.” Furthermore, she suggested that “it’s all that time he spends on the computer – I think he’s been going on the internet.” Andrew responded to these comments by saying that “Mummy is just trying to belittle my legitimate struggle against tyranny.” He is planning to dress entirely in black and wear a Garfield mask the entire time “to protect [his] anonymity”. We asked the local police commissioner about what steps, if any, he would be taking about the situation. He responded that he was keeping a close eye on the area, and
he was ready to send in a riot squad with eviction orders at a moment’s notice. He would “not hesitate” to use all and any methods necessary, including kettling, baton whacking and water pistols, to keep the peace in the Stemley household.
42 Rose Drive, site of “oppression”
8 Winter 2012 The Cheese Grater
Grater Restaurant Review E Igmamamana Venue: Digital Engagement in Archaeology: Strategies and Evaluation Methods Conference, South Cloisters Set in UCL’s resplendent south cloisters, this conference promised much in the way of classical cuisine. Always generous with their platters, the Archaeology department really delivered here, massively overestimating the number of attendees thus leaving several trays of food remaining once most guests had left. I strolled in purposefully, folder
under my arm and a determined look on my face. It said: ‘I am a digitally engaging strategist. Don’t you dare question that fact.’ Avoiding eye-contact, I first sampled the classic range of sandwiches on offer. Cut up into mini-triangles, they were no doubt intended to evoke the pyramids beneath which were buried so many Egyptians in the early dynastic period, as I nonchalantly remarked to a bearded man in brown corduroys and a knitted sweater, presumably the captain of the archaeologists. He definitely bought it, backing away slowly, probably conceding to my superior knowledge. The tomato and chicken was boldly sweet, with a hint of fish, possibly due to its situation next to the tuna on the platter. Next, I tried the cucumber and cress sandwich, which promised so much, yet instead of transporting me to a dappled orchard on a cool summer’s day, had a flavour reminiscent of a Yakult on the turn. Overall however, there was a commendable range of dishes, and with screw-top wines on offer and half a carton of apple juice left, it’s hard to complain in this price range. Moving down the table I was greeted with a miniaturised confectioner’s delight, with mini fruit tarts cleansing the palate nicely π before mini chocolate éclairs and mini custard tarts provided a sweet conclusion to a π delightful meal. My only criticism would be that they were a bit small. Whilst licking my plate, I spotted brown corduroys talking to security and I decided to take my leave, but π not before I indulged in yet another mini Eccles cake, which, to my mini surprise, had π a sweet coffee filling. Overall, the archaeologists should be commended on their culinary adventurousness, gross over ordering and π failure to realise when a student who knows cock all about archaeology is just in there for π the free food.
WHAT WILL BE CHRISTMAS #1? Peter Kay ft. Rick Astley, Five Star, Sinitta, Mel and Kim, Go West, Justin Lee Collins and The Cast of Rainbow Didn’t Wagon Wheels Used to Be Bigger Than They Are Now? 100/1 Krishnan Guru-Murthy Channel 4 Rap
L’il Wayne Why I Love Listerine (‘cos it keep yo grill clean)
Katy Perry I’m an Erotic Unit
The X-Factor Allstars Original Sentiment
Calvin Harris ft. Dave Lee Travis Acceptable in the 80s (remix)
Cliff Richard and Lulu Glass That Cunt
Rating: **** Next issue: The European Institute’s Austerity Debate comes with an austere range of dips.
UCL UNION CHEESE GRATER MAGAZINE SOCIETY President and Editor—Will Rowland Investigations Editor—Oscar Webb Humour Editor—James Donaldson-Briggs
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© UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.
Published on Feb 10, 2013
In this issue: Pi newspaper is no more; radical left puts up two fingers to NUS; the Chuckle Brothers release books in run up to Christmas a...