The Cheese Grater Spring 2017 7
David Cameron delivers speech to plucky youngsters Former man visits Eton College on the last day of term Ned Potism It’s the last day of term at Eton College. and David Cameron is giving a speech. “Thank you, thank you. It seems like only yesterday I myself was leaving this fine school, ready to be thrust out into that wide, wide world. I am glad to say Eton College gave me the best education a boy could ask for. I got into Oxford, I did my degree in PPE, I went into Parliament. I’m sure plenty of you are thinking of doing the same! (Laughter.) And of course, I became Prime Minister. You know, I’m certain that there’s at least one young man here today who’ll occupy that position sometime
in the future. It’s a good job! You get a house in London, state dinners, you get to meet the most amazing people. Obama, Bill Gates, Silvio Berlusconi! Now there was a man who knew how to party! Booze, drugs, women. Countless mornings I’d wake up, covered in mozzarella, and Berlusconi would leer down at me: ‘You wanna some more, you biga fuck-a de porco? Huh?’ Most importantly, you got respect. Every morning, I would wake up and I’d be briefed by the chiefs of our armed forces and intelligence agencies. I could tell you what time Vladimir Putin picked his nose. I had the launch codes. Now I go round conference rooms advertising Blockchain. Blockchain! I don’t even know what that is! Now it’s a struggle to get up before midday.
You know what my favourite time of day is? It’s the five seconds after waking up when you can’t remember who you are or what you’re doing. Sometimes I don’t get off the sofa. I sit there in my underwear and watch Big Bang Theory, shovelling brownie mix into my mouth. I shit where I sit. Samantha won’t even look at me anymore. It’s seven months since we last had sex. She just lay there. I can’t remember the last time we actually made love. That’s politics for you, I suppose. It sucks you dry and spits out your shrivelled husk. Have a nice day kids. (Applause.)
Meat-Free Mondays/Mexican Mondays Mix-Up Vegetarian eats Mexican man in “tragic misunderstanding” Linda McCartney The Cheese Grater can reveal shocking developments surrounding the death of UCL student, Carlos Gonzalez. Mr Gonzalez, a first-year student History student was found bloodied and half-eaten in the Print Room dropbox containing copies of The Cheese Grater magazine. “It’s lucky we ever found his body at all,” said lead investigator Mick Salsbury. “No-one’s been near that dropbox for weeks.” Last night, Miss Hannah Cardinal was arrested for the murder and attempted eating of Mr Gonzalez. A source within the internal UCL investigation, who asked to remain anonymous, spoke to The Cheese Grater and suggested that the whole event had been an unfortunate
misunderstanding. Miss Cardinal, a wellmeaning vegetarian and patron of UCLU Bars and Cafes, was simply “confused” by recent changes in UCLU policy. “Miss Cardinal had been diligently following UCLU’s ‘Meat-Free Mondays’ policy for years. When this policy came to an end earlier this year, Miss Cardinal presumed that ‘Mexican Mondays’ – the bar deal that replaced £1 Mondays – was actually taking the place of the vegetarian policy. Consequently she killed and ate a Mexican man.” “A tragic misunderstanding, but that’s why pencils have erasers.” Police are currently attempting to the find Gonzalez’ left ear.
following budget strains at the union. David Dahlborn, resident moustache, told The Cheese Grater that had £1 Mondays continued, UCLU would have been facing severe financial difficulties and would not have been able to complete its mission of covering every square inch of London in “Boycott the NSS” posters. Regrettably, The Tab’s latest investigative piece ‘What your UCL panini says about you’ has taken an unexpectedly dark turn. A friend of Cardinal told The Cheese Grater that the accused had always been a ‘Roasted Butternut and Squash & Feta Tortilla’ girl. The Tab’s description of such a person? ‘Some people don’t know when a joke’s gone too far’.
£1 Mondays came to a close in January
Contributors: Olivia Angier, John Bilton, Peter Daniels, Ollie Dunn, Katarina Edgar, Peter FitzSimons, Oumou Longley, Liv Marshall, Ben Munster, Jason Murugesu, Will Orton, Ollie Phelan, Jack Redfern, Weronika Strzyżyńska.
