6 TheCheeseGrater December 2008
Letters Home
Dear Mummy, It’s been a busy term here at university, what with all the important jobs - thank God for free coffee! With this in mind, I’m keen that this year we have a stress free and cosy holiday. I don’t think, mummy, that we can afford to call it Christmas anymore - libel action from the Church could ensue; I’ve noticed that the name contains a not-so-oblique reference to a certain famous saviour. I’m no lawyer mummy, I have neither the Latin nor the intelligence as we know, but my instincts say that this is asking for trouble. Might I suggest some alternatives? I was thinking, either ‘The Clinton Non-Affiliated Festival’, ‘The Period of (noncopyright encroaching) Jollity’, or my personal favourite: ‘Blank Fun Day’. Further to this I would advise that you give careful consideration to the exact nature of our decorations. We don’t want to offend anyone. Like it or not, we are living in the 21st Century now, and other religions don’t need our Christianity shoved in their faces. Keep it simple mummy. Not wanting to offend any tastes or stir up any trouble, I can thoroughly recommend the sparse, barren image that we’ve adopted in the public areas here at UCL. Plus we can afford to spend a little extra this year because I’ve noticed there’s quite a bit of money left over in the Union budget. I feel I’ve more than earned the right to spend this. Health and safety is another issue I would like to address. Keen to avoid such drama as we saw during last year’s Nana-gate incident, I propose the creation of an adivsory board with me as Chair to give the house a once over. In the mean time can I suggest plastic cutlery and fire extinguishers? Food temperatures must be constantly monitored during Christmas lunch; after all, I like my potatoes lukewarm. If you follow the simple steps that I have laid out here, we can all look forward to a lawsuit free Christmas. Yours sincerely, Charlie, x x x
You Can’t Get Me, I’m part of the UCL Union
Exclusive previously undisclosed minutes! How UCL Union Council members really voted to grant themselves free drinks in the Union... Tuesday, 2nd December, 2008, at 6pm in the J Z Young Lecture Theatre, Anatomy Building. The chair opened the meeting at 18.30 because he overslept. UC08/12/1 Apologies UC08/12/1.1 Apologies were noted as per the attached attendance list. Council member no. 7 noted attendance was at a record high of 9 out of 64 elected Council members. UC08/12/2 Announcements UC08/03/2.1 Charlie Clinton expressed interest in submitting a motion which would result in his being referred to as ‘Our Dear Leader’ in all official documents, and being referred to in person as ‘Sir’. UC08/03/2.2 Council member no. 4 expressed his disapproval. Council member no. 4 left, helped by two burly gentlemen sporting knuckle dusters. (18:35) UC08/03/2.3 All other Council members expressed their sincere approval of the proposal with a spontaneous round of applause. APPROVED UC08/03/3 Discussion of new privileges voted to the Council Members UC08/03/3.1 Council member no. 2 (who proposed the motion that all Council members should be entitled to free hot drinks at UCL Union outlets) felt more incentives should be given to the Council members as a reward for their invaluable and honest work for the divine institution that is UCL Union. UC08/03/3.2 Council members discussed privileges which they would be entitled to. UC08/03/3.3 Privileges which all present agreed will be granted as of Term 2, 2008: • Any undergraduate who espies a Council member walking towards a puddle must immediately throw their outermost layer of clothing in the puddle to prevent said Council member from getting his / her Converse wet. • Free anything from all UCL Union outlets and all affiliated bodies including HSBC and the Bank of England. APPROVED Council member no. 8 left the room in order to have a cigarette (18.45) UC08/03/4 Drinking UC08/03/4.1 Council member no. 2 suggested the meeting adjourn to The Court. UC08/03/4.2 In a rare display of good taste, Charlie Clinton instead suggested the meeting instead adjourn to the Bricklayer’s Arms, as it was reckoned to be the place where one can purchase the most units of alcohol per pound sterling around campus.