But, what if it’s just her everyday issues? Take a deep breath and tell her you will call her back. When you are finished your coffee and paper, decide how much time, if any, you can give her. Only then do you call her back, feeling strong, and in control of your own resources.
Remember, if you use this process and say “yes” to someone, you are not allowed to complain! You made your decision so move forward.
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Back to the friend who called you on your quiet Sunday morning: how do you cope with her call when you need a day of peace? If there really is a crisis, you may need to take the call and handle the problem.
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External: Someone asks for your time, money, and/or energy.
This is where most of us fail. We answer right away based on what we think we “should” do or, sometimes, what will help us avoid a messy confrontation. When you get the request, do not say “yes.” immediately. The most appropriate response is: “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This is polite and shows the person that we honour and respect her request as well as our own boundaries. It also gives us breathing space to prepare for Step 2.
Internal: This step is missed by most people.
Do an internal check by asking these questions.
Q1: “Do I have it to give?” If you answered “yes,” then proceed to Question 2.
If you do not have the resources the requester needs, say “no.” Do not apologize; simply find a polite way to tell them.
Q2: “Do I want to
give it?” If you answered “yes,” proceed to Question 3. If you answered “no,” then you have your response. Again, do not apologize, just politely tell them.
Q3: “Under what circumstances
am I willing to give it?” Think how you can best fulfill this request with all the other demands on your time, money, and energy. Think about getting something in return, or what the consequences will be.
External: Negotiation
Get back in touch with the person making the request, state your conditions, and consequences. If she is unwilling to accept your conditions, then she is making a decision to look elsewhere to meet her needs. You can feel good that you took her request seriously, and you took your own needs seriously. The final decision is hers.