The Cavalier Daily
HU MOR
8
Just for wits.
Fourth-year trustees begin ‘one-fifth compromise’ initiative Chris Hutson Humor Columnist
College can be a stressful time. No one knows that better than Brandon Moores, president of the fourthyear trustees. After conducting a class-wide survey, Moores and his fellow trustees discovered a startling statistic: one out of every five* members of the fourth-year class is, or has been at some point in their career at the University, “really stressed-out.” We aren’t talking about the oh-myGod-I-don’t-know-what-I’m-beingfor-Halloween-stressed. This survey revealed that 20 percent* of fourthyear students are dealing with, or have at one time or another dealt with, the paper-due-Thursday-interview-Friday-midterm-Mondaystress. “My Wednesdays are basically a wash ‘cause I have to go out Tuesdays
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in order to handle all this stress,” fourth-year psychology major Ryan Molhauen pointed out. “And don’t even get me started on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays,” he added. “ I can’t get anything done four out of the seven days of the week because I have so much stress. Something is wrong here.” The fact that two out of every 10* fourth years — that’s 40 out of 200, and exactly 500 out of 2,500* members of the Class of 2014 here at U.Va. — are exhibiting, or once exhibited, this type of stress is “alarming, to say the least,” noted fourth-year trustees vice president Haider Arshad. “It may be because we are not as mature as these fourth years, or because we haven’t had as much time here at this university, but there is no way three out of 15* members of the third-year class have experienced this stress. I mean when we’re talking one million nine hundred forty
two thousand one hundred and fifty two out of nine million seven hundred and ten thousand seven hundred and sixty* fourth-year students, the University has to intervene,” said third-year math major Mark McKirthy. The administration is taking the challenge seriously. “We as an administration need to come up with a compromise for the one fifth* of these stressed out fourth-years,” University Dean of Students Allen Groves said. “Therefore, we will allow this super duper stressed out group to miss a fifth* of their classes while still earning credit, drop a fifth* of their lowest test scores in a fifth* of their classes, and receive a refund of a fifth* of their tuition, provided they apply for these benefits before kickoff of the final home football game,” Groves explained. The fourth-year trustees, work-
ing hand in hand with Groves and the rest of the administration, officially adopted what students have been calling the “Fourth-Year-OneFifth*-Compromise” in order to help these stressed-out seniors. “The two-tenths* of the fourthyear class who carry this weight, or at least know someone who has had to carry this weight, deserve a healthy outlet for their stress, and it is our duty as administrators to provide the three-fifths minus twofifths* of the fourth-year class with such an outlet,” University President Teresa Sullivan said. Ultimately this compromise will allow the how-many-more-extracredit-write-ups-can-I-do-to-getstraight-A’s fourth years to become how-many-classes-can-I-fail-andstill-graduate fourth years, sources say. “We’re really getting back to our roots here, thinking like Mr. Jeffer-
son, in creating this compromise,” said fourth-year University Guide Felix Sneider. “I think the FourthYear Fifth*, that’s what we’re all calling it, really sets us apart as a University. It shows the world that, hey, we love our fourth years. We don’t want them to be stressed; we want them to have fun. When else in your life are you going to be able to do something like this, you know!? Go ‘Hoos!” he added, before returning to another new fourth-year body-image initiative that would allow students to run naked through the heart of the University. *The Cavalier Daily would like to thank not-so-stressed-out third-year math majors for their help converting these fractions.
Chris Hutson is a third year and staunch advocate of the new trustee initiative.
1. The Super Bowl is never as good as when you saw Manius Acilius Glabrio kill a lion in the Coliseum. 2. Your parents always complained about the gold you spent on the latest scrolls from the Scrollastic Catalog. 3. You stayed up all night to see the white smoke announce Pope Evaristus succeed Clement I. 4. Slip ’n Slides will never be as thrilling as the aqueducts. 5. There wasn’t even enough history to fill the class textbook. 6. You're so glad tunics now come in colors besides white. 7. Your uncle won't stop talking about that crazy Vesuvius eruption. 8. You had to stay home because of malaria. 9. Half your friends died of malaria. 10. You still feel how disappointing of an ending the Book of Revelations had. 11. Math class consisted of writing DIX all over your parchment. 12. During the shutdown you wished we could just have senators executed like Emperor Domitian. 13. You remember exactly where you were when you heard Emperor Domitian was assassinated. 14. You're totally comfortable pooping in public. 15. Your mom always threatened to sell you into slavery. 16. You had an Emperor Trajan sign outside your house. 17. Your Greek friends always said they were into your mythology before it was cool. 18. Your cousin went Goth so you had to burn his village to the ground. 19. You are more than 1900 years old. Peter “Methuselah” Simonsen loved growing up in all of the 90s.