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OPINION
The Cavalier Daily
Talking about sex We must change our attitude toward sex in order to build healthy and realistic expectations
Just like those jazzy hip-hoppers Salt-n-Pepa, I’m about to implore you, Wahoos: Let’s talk about sex. Sexuality and sexual behavior get a lot of attention. But they don’t get the right kind of attention. We have been raised in a sex-negative culture. Society, whether through insufficient and inaccurate sexual education classes, movies, books or our parents, has taught us that adolescence and young adulthood is supposed to be a cringingly awkward time. We have been conditioned to believe that our sexuality is shameful: something to be hidden, something we shouldn’t mention. This is particularly true for people who find that their sexual preferences fall outside of what is widely considered “conventional.” It is unfortunate that many college students find themselves unable to claim or feel confident in their sexuality, because the freedom and social atmosphere of college presents an occasion to explore your preferences and your self-image, and you should not miss out on that opportunity because of a sex-negative culture. Sex negativity also leads to a fear of sex and a fear of seeking out resources or advice. Buying protection or
talking openly about the sexual choices you are planning to make is seen as “embarrassing,” and this can lead to unsafe or unhealthy sexual experiences. I would suggest a sex-positive alternative. If college students could embrace sex positivity, they would lead much happier and healthier lives overall. You may ask, what exactly does it mean to be sex-positive and how can I incorporate this philoso-
those decisions. They encourage people to claim and take pride in their sexual preferences, whether that means sexual orientation, sexual desires or even a choice to abstain from sex. Sex positivity encourages understanding sex as a biological, natural behavior, rather than a dirty or shameful act. It can be difficult to be sex-positive after being raised in a culture such as ours. Sex positivity is a slightly abstract idea — it sounds good in theory but is tough to implement in practice. The journey to being sex positive must begin within We have been conditioned to believe that largely yourself. Evaluate what our sexuality is shameful: something to be you want in a relationhidden, something we shouldn’t mention. ship, sexual or otherwise. Let yourself take the time to figure that out if it is not clear, and don’t feel phy into my own life? The answer embarrassed by your uncertainty. will certainly be multi-faceted. Decide how you feel about labels; Sex positivity is a concept that is determine whether you need a laslowly gaining adherents through bel for your sexual orientation, or blogging platforms such as Tum- if you feel more comfortable withblr and popular Youtube chan- out one. Do you prefer committed nels like Laci Green’s “Sex+” and or open relationships? Are titles Dr. Lindsey Doe’s “Sexplanations.” like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” Broadly speaking, people who are important to you? Is monogamy sex-positive advocate an open- an expectation or simply an opness about and comfort with sex. tion? Whatever your answers to They champion sexual decisions these questions are, know that they that are safe and healthy, regard- are acceptable. You are allowed to less of the subjective “morality” of be a serial monogamist, for in-
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Ashley Spinks
Cavalier Daily Opinion Columnist
stance, even if some people may not see the value in monogamous relationships. The only person who has to approve of your choices is you. And being able to vocalize them to your significant other can help you have a stronger relationship or perhaps understand why a relationship is not right for you. Being sex-positive can also be achieved by regulating your own speech and judgments. You should never let your impression of a person be shaped by how much sex you think or know that they’ve had. A person who dates a lot or hooks up a lot — as long as their partners are consenting and they are being safe — is doing nothing wrong. They are not a slut or stupid. We should take personal statements about sexuality at face value. It is neither sex-positive nor respectful to question the validity of someone’s sexual orientation, for instance. If someone says they are gay, but you believe that their behaviors or some arbitrary stereotypes contradict that claim, you should keep those opinions to yourself. The same goes for heterosexuality and bisexuality. The only person who gets to decide what their sexual orientation is is that person. We should challenge ourselves to stop thinking of sex as either black or white. Standards that leave no room for ambiguity
can feel constricting, judgmental and filled with pressure. Sometimes a situation doesn’t have a clear answer — people are not always “gay” or “straight”, “together” or “broken up”, “slutty” or “prudish.” These types of dichotomies help no one. The black-and-white perception of “virginity” is problematic as well. We should stop placing so much value on virginity. In addition to being a heteronormative and sexist concept, it is irrelevant. Whether or not someone is a “virgin” tells you nothing about their worth or who they are, and we shouldn’t pretend that it does. There are so many other issues tied up with and related to sex positivity — rape culture, slutshaming, sexism, LGBT rights — that I could write an entirely separate 800-word column trying to explore them all. But if college students were to embrace a sexpositive attitude, I do believe that their (sex) lives would be healthier and happier. Sex positivity can lead to a better self-image, more confidence, and the ability to ask questions like, “Are you okay with this? What do you want to happen next?”, which will help facilitate safer sex for everyone involved. Ashley Spinks is an Opinion columnnist for The Cavalier Daily.
The porn identity Pornography distorts sexual expectations by portraying exaggerated fantasies
The idea that watching pornography can start to negatively affect people’s lives holds sway in popular culture. Fans of the MTV series “True Life” may recall the episode about three young people addicted to porn. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt is starring in “Don Jon,” a movie with a pornography addict as its main character. These examples show the effects of porn addiction. But it is also important to consider how pornography impacts the lives of not addicts but mere viewers. Porn may carry the stigma of being a strange, sleazy hobby for lecherous people, but everyone knows that erotic images, video and more are readily accessible free of charge on the internet. Some estimates report that as many as 40 million people watch porn on a regular basis. The
fact that this many people view pornography with such ease is striking considering the “sexual script theory”: that the kind of sex people watch becomes what they expect. Looking at pornography is far from new, but the ability to look at porn easily and cheaply online is. These factors make porn viewing more common, which changes perceptions of sex and sexuality. Porn provides an easily accessible example of intense, exaggerated sex that serves as a comparison with one’s own experience. While people watch porn for the same reason they have sex — to have an orgasm — sharing a sexual experience with another person is quite different from watching people have sex in porn. Pornography is about the shameless enactment of sexual fantasies to their fullest extent. This is not to say that people should feel guilty about their real-life sexual desires, or that
they should not seek to fulfill them, but rather that in a physical relationship these desires are shared between people as op-
consumer. Porn rarely demonstrates realistic sexual experiences. Not only could the excessive nature of this portrayal escalate the expectations of those who view it, but it could also limit expectations to where nothing except the excessive portrayal of sex Watching pornography will always be a seems arousing. Pornography also voyeuristic scenario, as opposed to real exports one’s sexual experience. fulfillment to other people. Certainly, many posed to being displayed on a people who watch porn are masscreen. Watching pornography turbating, but this relegates sex will always be a voyeuristic sce- to an individual action in which nario as opposed to a real expe- other people engage in the act rience. itself. Porn stars are paid to have By this same logic, pornogra- sex and do it in an exaggerated phy maximizes sexual fantasies, manner. If one only achieves an making use of lingerie, large- orgasm by watching actors have membered or big-breasted ac- sex in this way, one’s could be tors and actresses, and isolating prevented from doing the same fantasy from all other human in his or her own sex life, as it interactions. Porn’s portrayal could never match the depiction of sex is exaggerated, aiming at in a porn clip. unfiltered sexual arousal for the I do not mean to say that
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Walter Keady
Cavalier Daily Opinion Columnist
watching porn is universally bad. While porn can create an unattainable ideal of what sex is supposed to be, it may also stimulate one’s sex life by introducing new ideas, and can be a healthy release for sexual desire without a partner. However seedy it may seem in public discourse, I would wager that a majority of young people have seen pornography at least once, and that it hasn’t ruined their sex lives. Perhaps the best way to look at pornography and maintain a healthy sex life is to take it with a grain of salt — porn is not meant to be realistic or grounded, and should not be assumed to be so. Most importantly, however, is to be true to oneself — whether in a Google Chrome incognito window or not. Walter Keady is an Opinion columnist for The Cavalier Daily.