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sports Matt Comely Subpar Writer

That ass who sits next to you at home football games was recently hired to replace Mike London as coach of the Virginia football team. In announcing the decision, Athletic Director Craig Littlepage said the little prick’s decision-making ability was far superior to London’s. “The guy is an absolute genius,” Littlepage said. “Never once have I seen a college student with such profound insight into the game of football. I’m just upset we didn’t

The Cavalier Daily


‘That prick’ named new football coach Littlepage cites extensive Madden experience, laughing at ESPN anchors’ one-liners in decision to make hire

track him down sooner.” The new coach comes in with no actually coaching experience, but he reads Grantland every couple of weeks and watches SportsCenter at least three times a day. But most importantly, he cannot shut up about Virginia football. “London totally should have called timeout at the end of the Virginia Tech game last year,” he said. “And running the ball on third and long at least three times a game really hurt us down the stretch. Oh, and don’t get me started on London’s choice to start David Watford at quarterback!” London would have begun his fifth season at the helm of the Virginia football team this fall. Dur-

Teven Jones named National NaeNae MVP #Blessed #Respect #ACCREFS #TRUTH #lovemybrothers

Courtesy Virginia Athletics

Did you know that Virginia is the only NCAA Division I team named the Cavaliers, but both Northern Arizona and Stephen F. Austin are the Lumberjacks?

ing his previous job at Richmond, he lead the Spiders to a Division I Championship Subdivision national title. Then, in just his second year at Virginia, he led the team to the Chick-fil-A Bowl and captured ACC Coach of the Year honors. Despite his win total tapering off in the past two years, which ultimately led to his dismissal, London has excelled in recruiting. “Recruiting?” the new head coach said. “Oh. Um, yeah. I can do that. Sure!” Despite his lack of experience, the new coach has been praised for his passion, most clearly demonstrated when he leaves Virginia football games at half time when the team is down by 20.

Paris Lerrantes

Cavalier Daily Adult Film Correspondent

The No. 1 seed Virginia men’s basketball team concluded one of its most successful seasons in decades Friday night at Madison Square Garden, falling 61-59 to No. 4 seed Michigan State in the Sweet Sixteen. Individual accolades kept rolling in Tuesday morning, however, when sophomore point guard Teven Jones was honored as the unanimous National NaeNae MVP by both the coaches and the media. “Boy, God has carried me a long way! #Blessed,” Jones tweeted Tuesday upon receiving the award. “Nobody in the game has moves like me right now. I’m sorry, just being honest… #Respect,” he continued, along with multiple fist emojis. Jones was the only unanimous selection to the NaeNae All-American first team, receiving more than twice as many votes as Mercer senior guard Kevin Canevari, the second-leading vote-getter. “I think this year more than any I can remember, the decision was a no-brainer,” said Virginia coach Tony Bennett. “I’ve coached great

Courtesty Wikimedia Commons

Professional baseball player Oscar Gamble once said, “They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.”

dancers before in the past, but no player has ever had the body control and sheer passion that Teven brings to the court every night. He’s truly breathtaking to watch.” Bennett himself was a 1992 honorable mention All-American during his senior year at Green Bay for his pregame performances of ‘The Carlton,’ from the hit sitcom series "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." He also led former point guard Jontel Evans to a pair of first-team NaeNae All-American seasons during his junior and senior campaigns, but Jones is the youngest All-American as well as the first MVP selection under Bennett. “That’s a major part of the reason we hired coach Bennett,” Virginia Athletics Director Craig Littlepage said. “There are a lot of potential coaches who have danced at high levels, but Tony’s moves were just so suave that we knew right away he was our guy.” Jones credited Bennett and Evans with helping him perfect a sizable number of the dance moves currently in his arsenal, including the Bronco and the bow and arrow. “You know, coming to Virginia, I feel like I had a lot of moves I could

break out during various points of the game,” Jones said. “But I have to give it to coach Bennett, he is all about the process — ‘two feet on the step,’ he always says. He, along with some of the older guys on the team, have really helped me take my NaeNae game to the next level.” Freshman point guard Devon Hall, redshirted because the Virginia Beach product dances “less gracefully than Charles Barkley’s golf swing,” according to a source close to the team, has reportedly sought out NaeNae lessons from Jones. Hall hopes to improve his dance moves enough to have a prominent role next season during pregame and sideline celebrations. Though the Cavaliers bowed out of the NCAA Tournament following Friday’s loss, Jones said he will take just a week off before traveling to the LeBron James NaeNae Skills Academy in Las Vegas, Nev. to hone his craft. “That’s just the way Tev is, man,” sophomore guard Justin Anderson said. “He knows we depend on him for those dance moves and he’s always working to improve — he’s never satisfied.”

Football team breaks ties with ACC, hopes for more wins Virginia football relegated to CAA, London returns to roots

Laughing Otters

Cavalier Daily Chief of Security

In a dramatic press conference on a dark and stormy Saturday night, Executive Associate Athletics Director Jon Oliver announced the University will

trade conference memberships with James Madison University for football beginning in 2016. Under the plan proposed by Oliver, the Virginia, a founding member of the ACC, would sever its 61-year-old ties with the conference to join the Colonial Athletic Conference in football only.

Virginia would remain in the ACC for all other sports where historically they have enjoyed varying measures of success. In concert with this move, JMU, the only Division I football program from the state of Virginia to defeat Virginia Tech in the last decade, will join the ACC

in football only in 2016. In an answer to a question from the assembled media, Oliver said joining the CAA in football would “give coach [Mike] London the best opportunity to create a winning program." "London was a successful CAA football coach — winning

a national championship at Richmond — and we expect nothing less from him with a return to his roots in the CAA," Oliver added. When reached for comment, Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer said, “Huh? U.Va. has a football team? That’s news to me.”

Tuesday, April 1, 2014  
Tuesday, April 1, 2014